theyearof50

You have a choice.  You can be on the offense and move the puck or ball forward.  Or, you can be on the defense and protect your zone.  Despite the fact that I am a huge sports fan, this post really isn’t about sports.  This is about relationships.  Are you playing offense or defense in your relationships?

Defensive behavior seems to be one of the leading causes of ongoing conflicts with partners and with family and friends.  It is the type of behavior that will lead to long-term damage and actually end up destroying a relationship.  I’ve seen it and experienced it.

Being defensive tells your partner that you don’t really care about their ideas or feelings.  Instead, it’s about being right.  And, once you establish how right you are, someone has to be wrong …

If you can (honestly) look at arguments with your partner you can see that defensiveness is really based on feeling attacked and generally not safe.  This results in the other “side” putting on their armor and fighting back — and also having to be defensive.  This is how the battlefield is set.  There are no winners here.  Just a bloody mess.

I read a study on communication which found that defensive behaviors are often a sign of childhood issues (aren’t they all??).  Those who had childhoods where there was no one who “listened” to their needs or feelings, ended up being much more defensive as adults.  Those who grew up with someone who “listened” to them, were less defensive as adults. (good reminder for those of us raising kids!)  Easy enough, huh?

Sadly, defensive behavior is often difficult to change.  For many people it is easier to point out how their partner should change or what he/she should say rather than digging in, looking at their own S#$% and working as a team to solve the problem.  Defensive people feel more comfortable with a win — not a compromise.

But if we want to (and not everybody does), how do we really, truly love proactively and offensively?  How do we find love without walls, fear or judgement? And why is it so hard?

I leave this open for future debate.  Sometimes, it’s just enough to see and think about it.  Change will come when we really look at our behavior and are open to making a change.  Just don’t put it off until tomorrow.

Let’s enjoy the beautiful weather!

I’m Italian.  I’m superstitious.  They go hand-in-hand, don’t they?  Does being a bit Jewish make a difference too?

I’m a wood knocker.  Not just your average piece of wood and not one just in front of me.  No, that’s too easy.  If I’m out on a run, for example, and I think of something terrible or think of something good that I don’t want to change, I will run to the nearest tree and knock on it.  I try to avoid people seeing me but I can’t always be sure. I’m sure I look weird knocking on a tree in running clothes.

My mom used to tell me that it was “normal” to be so superstitious.  Maybe because her family was so wacky that way that it just seemed “normal.”  (like pinching heinies (butts) by the grandmas of the house to the grandkids of the house.  Don’t get me started on this one).  Having certain foods at funerals. Or, saying something in Italian  (with hand gestures) if someone said something bad.  I could go on and on.

I do know that I am not the only one who knocks on wood.  Many people will do similar things to avoid jinxing themselves if they comment or think about something good or bad and want to avoid making the “thing” coming true.  Athletes are notorious for being superstitious.  Like not shaving a beard or always wearing the same shirt under a uniform (to my boys — don’t even think of it!).

Athletes do not have a monopoly on superstitious behavior.  Most of us have at least one superstition.  I have to eat a banana before a marathon.  I need my shoes tied just right before a race.

I know generally that stress makes people more superstitious.  How  (not) surprising!  Clearly, we want to find reasons for the things that happen to us.  The less control we feel we have over our lives, the more likely we are to try to gain control through the mental gymnastics of superstitions.

Sometimes we’re smart like Calvin’s mom.  Sometimes not.  I won’t wage an opinion on this particular “idea.”  Being a parent of an adolescent is legendary for its difficulty.  Here Calvin’s mom played his game and won.  She was taking care of herself and Calvin by teaching him a lesson. As we know, that’s not always easy (or safe) to do!

Teenage boys and girls can be difficult and different.  Parenting a teen girl is about emotions.  Mine is the first-born so she’s a bit more compliant and helpful.  She doesn’t egg on her brothers the way they do to her.  She pushes away but gently (I pushed away like a Mack truck, but that’s another story!)

The boys, however are pushing away in an entirely different way from her.   Boys tend to brood more and talk less.  Sure, we see this in girls, but in a much more emotional way.  Boys can also be a bit darker as they move through this period.

With both I have to give clear and reasonable guidelines but with the boys I have to be careful not to over analyze their emotions and states of mind.  With boys, in particular, I can’t check their “temperature” too often or they will shut down.  Hmmm, as I write this I note that this is the same with grown men (sorry, guys!).

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed: most teenage boys don’t like engaging in long, philosophical conversations with their moms (although mine have been known to blow me out of the water with incredibly deep and meaningful discussions).  I’ve grown to understand that I should be satisfied with short answers and find other ways to obtain the information I’m looking for.  Gosh, again sounds like grown men?  Maybe, I’m missing something here????

The work of parenting is difficult, draining and time-consuming.  I’ve done a lot of dumb things as a parent.  I was telling someone that I got so frustrated the other day, with one of the boys, that I took my fist and smashed M & M’s that were on the kitchen table.  So adult-like of me!

What’s the lesson here?  Smart parents not only recognize that kids need to make a few mistakes, but they also learn to take care of themselves.  They take time away to rejuvenate – whether on a vacation or reading a book or a trip ALONE to Target (which usually does it for me!).

I actually enjoy this teenage time with my children.  I can really experience their moral compass now and I’m thankful for what I see.  Yet, I’ve also got to remember to be smarter, let them make a few mistakes and, at the same time, I need to take care of me.  Obviously, the goal is to not feel like smashing candy on the kitchen table (which, as you can imagine simply resulted in more for me to clean up!).  🙂

I’m heading out for a long run to keep me smart today.

Have a great day!

Why do we hate change so much?  This is one of the oldest questions in the relationship/life book.  I think we hate change because it requires us to rethink who we are and where we’ve been.  We have to regroup and alter our way of thinking about ourselves and others.

Yet, as we know, change is necessary if we want to continue to improve and grow.  Change also requires a certain amount of faith (not necessarily religious faith).  Faith that you can and will adapt to something new or different.

I had quite a bit of change this week.  And, by last night, I was a bit overwhelmed.  Yet, as if the week wasn’t enough, more was piled on by day’s end.  So, last night I started to think about why all the changes and why all of a sudden.  I forced myself to take out the “why me” and look instead at the bigger picture.

I also started to do some reading on this subject (as you might expect) and found 4 basic reasons why change is difficult:

It’s scary –One of life’s greatest fears is the unknown. It causes us to resist those things for which we cannot easily discern an outcome.

It’s challenging – Change stretches us out of our comfort zone.  Some of us like to be stretched more than other people do.

It’s uncertain – When we change, we are often introducing untested waters.  We prefer certainty.

It’s unpopular – The resistance to change is universal.

When change has occurred in my life, in the past, I’ve tried to sit back and say “this is happening for a reason and everything will be ok.”  This is easy to say but more difficult to actually accomplish.  Asking positive question rather than focusing on the “why me” has helped me through these periods.

I have decided that today I am going to welcome all the changes that happened this past week.  I am starting my week anew today.  I’m going to look for the next silver lining for me and for those around me who are also experiencing changes.

Frankly, we have two choices in life: Accept what is happening (and try not to control the change) or just become a puddle on the floor.  I’ve got enough water in my yard, so I’m going to try the former!

Have a great day!

Yesterday was a day full of cranky people. At first I wondered if it was me.  Was I cranky?  Was I making people cranky?  Was it the weather?  I never figured it out:

For example:

In the morning I watched as a woman rudely talked to a barista at Caribou who had made a mistake on a cup of coffee.  A small mistake!

I heard a guest at Target hammer a clerk because he couldn’t find the “stuff” that was on sale but the guest couldn’t recall the “stuff.”  Really?

A few of my kids were cranky about almost nothing.

They guy at the soup place (where I got lunch) never smiled once.  Not once!

I was flipped off by a guy who was pissed that I was going the speed limit (I have a few tickets so I have to go the speed limit!).

Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe some people are just naturally cranky.  Of course, it’s not hard to spot these people.  They’re always paying attention to what they want and are often accusing the people around them of “causing” their bad mood.   Could we liken them to black holes? Suddenly coming out of nowhere and sucking the life out of anyone around them? Sounds so exotic!

I hope none of you run into cranky people today.  But if you do, just ignore them. It’s great if you can be emphatic but better to just ignore them.  Don’t do as I did, which was to confront the nasty person at Target.  I tried to be nice and to offer some help.  I also suggested that he could lower his voice because it sounded like he was yelling at the poor  (and young) Target employee.  This did not help the situation and I found myself being yelled at by a guy twice my size in the vitamin aisle and getting a stare down from him in the check out line.  I think he needed a prescription of “something.”  Oh well.  I knew better.

So, I am going to make this short and sweet.  Be happy today.  The weather will change and we will all be feeling better soon.  If you feel cranky, try my “when-I-am-cranky list.”  Go for a run, a swim, lift a few weights, have a cup of java with a friend, or find a good book.  The feeling will pass and you’ll feel better for staying calm.

Have a great day!

I had an unusual experience yesterday.  As I was coming into downtown, off the freeway and onto 6th Street, I noticed a blind person being helped around a delivery truck so she could cross the street.  Nothing unusual, but I noticed it.

I went just one more block and there was another blind woman crossing the street. After she got to the far corner, she shortened up her “cane” (I’m not even sure what you call it) and begun walking down the sidewalk, quite confidently, without using it.  Cool, I thought.

I literally went to the next corner (now I’m at Nicollet Mall – and oddly, hitting every red light) and there to my left are two blind people.  One seems to be talking to the other so I roll down my window.  While both are blind, one seems to be helping the other learn to cross the street.  I can hear the younger woman say that she knew the corner from when she had sight but she felt scared relying on her hearing.  The older man, put his arm around her and reminded her what a beautiful day it was and how nice it was to be outside.  “Don’t worry,” he said. They then crossed the street in front of me.  I, as you can imagine after all these blogs, started to cry.

How lucky I am.  How quickly I take for granted the ability to see, hear and just move.  How many people are out there who have, what I might deem, less than me, yet are incredibly happy?  Frankly, who am I to judge more or less?  Don’t we all know people who have “more” but are unhappy and those how have “less” but are very happy?

When my sons was 8 and my daughter, 10, we were downhill skiing and on the chair lift one of the boys turned to me and said, “Mom, I guess we’re Muggles.”  (normal people, from Harry Potter).  I said, “You’re right, we just don’t have the magical power of Pure-Bloods.”  The other turned to me and smiled, “Well, we might be Muggles but we have the power of LOVE.”  “Yes,” they all agreed – we have the power of love.  That’s the attitude I want them to have!

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much I could be doing out there in the world, but am not.  Doesn’t that ever happen to you?  Don’t you ever just step back and wish you could help everyone  —  just do more?  How wonderful that man was, helping the young woman walk down the Mall and how happy he seemed while doing it.

I have no particular direction for this blog post, nor am I sure why I happened to see what I saw yesterday.  But it reminded me to put my life in perspective.  To appreciate what I have today.  Maybe it will do something for you too.

Have a wonderful day of feeling thankful!

Jugglers usually they start with two or three balls and then they add another and another until there is a dizzying number of objects flying in a circle around the juggler.  At some point, either a ball falls or the juggler will stop because he or she knows that one can only have too many balls in the air at a time.

I have not figured out when I have too many balls (Def. of Balls: Kid, Partner, Job, Boards, etc.) in the air.  Maybe it’s my ego and enthusiasm, thinking that I can (and should) do it all.

We are all like jugglers to a certain extent.  We have jobs, kids, houses, social and volunteer activities, etc.   There are times when I feel like I have too many balls in the air and they will all come crashing down at once.  Sometimes I am so fed up that I just want to throw them all in the air and let them come crashing down.  While this latter activity may provide short-term relief, I still have to pick up the balls and get back on track.

So, I think I need to ask myself: Are there some “balls” that are taking me away from some other “balls?”  (The answer is YES, because some of those “balls” have loud voices!).  Do I need to add one more board to my agenda?  Do I need that additional volunteer activity?

I’m also wondering if my juggling too many balls has caused me to not be as careful with other balls and results in my having to reprioritize all the time …  which takes time away from other things!  I think this happens over and over again.

So, in order to increase my proficiency in juggling (which we all need to do),  I need to stop for a minute, put all the balls down and make sure that every “ball” is necessary and that some “balls” are not getting ignored at the expense of others.  However, with so many things going on, we often don’t take the time to do something like this.

I don’t claim to have the answer here (or really the answer to any question) but for me, and my loved ones, this is going to be a worthwhile review.  If nothing else, it will force me to slow down and look at my life and those things that really are important to me.  Maybe that’s half the battle.

Put a few balls down today and enjoy the weather!

p.s. To my partner in this blog … Don’t think for a moment that I count working out as a “ball!”  That’s what keeps me from the funny farm!  🙂

I started a conversation with two young girls at a coffee shop the other day (sorry, to my daughter who thinks this is so awkward … Honey, you didn’t know them, so no worries!).  These girls were waiting to get a high calorie/high caffeinated  treat.  I told them that when you get to be “my age” you just can’t have those fancy drinks too often.  One asked me, “How old do you think we are?”   I told them that I thought they were 19 (I knew they were much younger, but I wanted to see their reaction).  They were so pleased that I thought they were older than they actually were.

Forty years from now, they probably won’t be delighted with the same answer.

This brings me to the word, “wrinkle.”  This word is cute and would make a fun dog name … no way boys, don’t get any ideas!  So, why isn’t IT (a wrinkle) cute?  Why do we want to look older when we’re young and younger as we get older? Why aren’t we happy looking great for our age rather than younger than the calendar says?

What does fifty look like anyway?  Does it look like me?  How about seventy?  If you’re lucky enough to get to be ninety, is it ok to look ninety or do you want to look eighty?   Why can’t we all agree that wrinkles are beautiful signs of character and growth rather than OLD(er) age.

I take the position that wisdom comes with age.  And, if that’s true, why do we feel the need to look like time has stopped? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin (although I do have work out ADD) and not worry about the wrinkles I find on various parts of my body.

Men, same for you.

Today’s the day I start the “prep” for my now-I-am-50 appointment tomorrow.  Everyone says the prep is worse than the procedure.  Frankly, what’s bugging me is that I have to drink some stuff that makes me nauseous just looking at it and that jello and broth are on my agenda for today.  Moreover, going 30+ hours (I counted) without food seems unthinkable for a person who is eating every two hours.

This reminds me of my “yearly” appointment when I turned 40.  The nurse practitioner told me, before the doctor came in, that I could expect to gain about 10 pounds in my 40s and that sex would become much less “interesting.”   I was incredulous (neither one of these things happened, BTW, for those of you reading who are under 40!).  Then, when the doctor came in, he told me that he was glad that I had kids because I’d already started menopause and having any more kids was off the table.  By that point I was sobbing.  Not because I wanted more kids (OMG!), but because an arbitrary age was setting some sort of plan for my next ten years.  (the poor doctor asked me if I was crying because I couldn’t have any more kids.  I said, “No, I’m crying because I’m in menopause – isn’t that what all women do in menopause?” Duh!)

So, here I am at 50.  No one told me that I would gain 10 pounds at this appointment. They just said, “your skin will get dry, the rest of you will get dry, you will start to forget more and you need a colonoscopy.”  Seriously?  Do these appointments get better at 60?  Because they are brutal at 40 and 50!

Maybe by 70 or 80, they don’t really care what you do anymore.  Maybe that’s why the older we get the more relaxed we get.  My dad has donuts for breakfast almost every day.  He’s a thin guy and his response to me, when I question him on the healthiness of it all is that he can do whatever he wants now.  Yea!  Looking forward to giving that response.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a good book (one that I intend to write about in the coming blogs), we’re going to clean the garage and the mud room, so I can be close to the bathroom (read, “they will clean …”) and I will be back in the saddle (no pun intended) by 3:30 tomorrow afternoon.   I’m sure the next time you see me will be with food in my mouth … the way g-d intended it to be!

Enjoy the weather today!