Monthly Archives: September 2013

Post 365. I am crying and filled with gratitude.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”  Buddha

Life just keeps moving on.  Our kids get older, relationships change and grow, 365 days pass quickly and our loved ones leave this earth.  There’s no stopping it.  No slowing it down.  It just happens.

We have a few options: (1) we can become fearful and stagnant about the marching of time; or (2) we can embrace the inevitable and make every effort to live without regrets.

My (should be our) goal?  To give out as much love as we can – regardless of how much we get back and to live each and every moment without regret.  

Clearly, I’m not entirely successful.  Who is?  But, it is my simple goal for as long as I’m allowed to be here.

I’ve learned more about myself in this last year than in any other year(s) before.  I attribute that to you.  I was at a cross roads in many areas of my life when I turned 50.  I was questioning my direction, my focus and my purpose (isn’t that an AARP example of a mid-life crisis??).  I wanted some answers and didn’t know how to find them. While I did find some answers, others I’m still searching for (maybe I’ll find them tomorrow at age 51!).  Yet, I’m a different person than I was 365 days ago:

1. I’ve learned that I’m not perfect.  I knew it before 50 but just hated to admit it.  I learned that at those times when I think I’m doing something perfectly, I’m totally not.  I need to let go.  I’m still working on that one.

2. I realized that the world needs us to pay attention.  I’m busy.  But when I am paying attention, I have those experiences and meet those people who mark my life.  Friends, we have to slow down.  You know if I’m talking to you.  We move from one thing to another.  We’re not paying attention.  Let’s change that.  I have a feeling it will result in amazing experiences.  Even if just for today.

3. I fell in love all over again.  I have always loved love. That’s the joke with my kids – “Love, is her middle name.” (Jessica Lipsky (Love) Roe).  But, this year I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone.  I’ve loved people I never would have loved or was afraid to love.  I’ve loved those strangers whom I didn’t even know.  I even tried to love those who don’t like me (this latter one hasn’t worked as well as I expected, but I’m still trying!).  All we need is love.  Seriously.

4. I found you.  Words can not describe how thankful I am for all of you who’ve shared this first experience with me.  Those I run with, who cheer me on, clients who’ve become life friends, those who pick me up when I’m a pancake flat on the ground, those I meet at fundraisers, my family and friends, or just those I meet at gas stations! You all make my life so amazing beautiful.  You fill my life with color.  I’m a totally different person because of you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Here’s what I put in my first post … I start this year a mom (and lawyer) with three great kids (teenagers!), fantastic friends, supportive family members  and some very special people who help keep me sane.  The rest is, as the Minnesotan’s say, “gravy.”  So, I welcome you all to the year of 50.  It’ll be interesting…

With that, I quietly end my year of 50.  I’m the same person I noted above but much different and a tad bit wiser!  I do love each and every one of you.  Thanks for being in my life and sharing this year with me.

Have an amazing day!

p.s. I’m sure you’ll hear from me again …  XOXO

 

I really don’t deserve it.

I think a lot about why things happen and I almost never have an explanation.   I’ve definitely spent time thinking that I don’t deserve the life I’ve been fortunate enough to have thus far.  Maybe that’s a common theme for some of us.  While I don’t think I deserve these people, I’m grateful they’re in my life:

Somehow, I’ve been afforded a second chance at having a relationship with my dad.  Friends, never give up on a relationship that you know in your heart has potential. So worth it!

When the boys were born, the blonde one came out first.  I muttered to my husband, “That one’s yours!”  While he looks nothing like me, I know he’s mine.  He’s got the most curious and positive view of the world.  And, he’s confident and comfortable with himself.  When we was 6, his siblings made “jewelry” for me.  He was devastated that he didn’t make something, so I took him to a gift shop to buy his.  He could barely see over the counter, but he found a big bowl of rings.  He looked at each of them and picked one. It was $2.99.  It says LOVE.  I have worn it for the 8 years.  S – you’re fantastic! Love ya.

I got one son that looks Italian!  And, he’s so much like me (although much smarter!).  He’s got my dark looks, my temper and my deep passion for people.  When he was 9, we were driving home from school and he saw an older couple (70’s) walking across the street.  He could see the light was going to turn red before they got across.  When it changed, he made me pull over (in rush hour traffic) so he could be sure they got across safely. That’s him.  A huge and loving heart.  You can’t teach that trait!  I love you, E.

When my mom was diagnosed, I asked her to stay and help me raise this first-born daughter.  I was scared.  I was such a horrible teenager and I figured I’d get it back twofold.  I got something very different.  She’s the kindest and gentlest of souls.  She gets the world. She’s thoughtful and wouldn’t hurt a fly (other than her brothers!).  I think my mom is in her.  While I’m always going to be a mom first, I can see how amazing my friendship will be with this beautiful girl.  Thanks lovie, for being  you. You’re a delight!

So, while I don’t feel I deserve this life … I’m so incredibly thankful for it and them.

Finally, THANKS kids for putting up with this blog.  I know there were times when you couldn’t believe I was sharing our “stuff” and just plain thought it (I) was crazy. But, you were graceful, gave me great topics and I love you for letting me share our lives.

Tomorrow is 365.  I’m feeling awfully sad.  Yet, I’m excited that I made it.  Still not sure what comes next.  Maybe I’ll get a “sign” today.

Have a fantastic Monday!

I’ve intentionally avoided this blog topic in the yearof50.

When I set up this blog, I decided to avoid a few topics, including my personal romantic (or lack thereof) life.  I’m typically quiet about that topic.  I’ve been divorced a long time and it seemed to work well … neither of us getting married and both of us working to manage and support our children.  My theory is: if you can’t be married to the father of your children, he should at least be one of your closest friends.  That’s not always possible.  Thankfully, for me it was.

When we separated, I had three under three.  I was working full-time and my mom was gone.  The thought of dating was so far out there that I didn’t even feel like spelling the word!

Then, one Sunday afternoon, when no one was at the office and I needed to go use the restroom (yes, I know … always the bathroom!), I met someone at the elevator. The floor was empty except for the two of us.  We talked for about five minutes – I don’t even recall the conversation.  He recalls exactly what I was wearing.  I’ve joked that after that brief meeting, I would not have been able to pick him out of a crowd.  He called me two hours later (got my number from a friend!) and said we had to have dinner.  I made up an excuse and said no.  We eventually went. Now, reading from his journal from way back then, I am shocked by the clarity he had about that meeting.  He knew dinner (and more) was in our future.  And, while I didn’t buy it for many years, I’ve since come around to the same conclusion.

We’ve had the rockiest of relationships/friendships.  We’ve been together over the years and not.  I’ve been quite ambivalent for a long time and he fed off that to create his own form of ambivalence.  I’ve not wanted to commit and rock the boat I have with my kids.  “Nothing serious” has been my mantra for many years.

But, as I have only a few blogs left, I have to make a point of recognizing him.  You never know when you meet someone, how they’ll fit into your life.  But sometimes you just know it will be important (a shout out to my new friend in Arizona).  That’s what makes life so awesome!

So, here we are – 10+ years later.  Our kids have grown up together and we have too.  He has taught me more than I could ever have imagined.  I can’t say for sure what will happen in the future, but I can say this — I’ll never be able to replace the experiences, lessons and love I’ve had from knowing him.  Never.

People do that.  They change your life.  Or maybe that is life…

So, before I get to my last yearof50 post, I want to thank him.  He was right – it was the most important bathroom break of my life!

Have a wonderful day everyone!