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In my cave I have a nice new lap top (I have wireless too) with a software program that I have designed myself (you’re likely saying, “this’ll be good!”).  This program allows me to take all my feelings (the ones driven by fear work best) and transform them in to facts.  I mean hard facts. The kind that I can internalize and then act on.  Then the computer program gives me step-by-step directions (like a YouTube video) of stupid things to say and do that are supported by these newly created “facts.”  You can imagine what comes next …  I then take these new “facts” and use them to operate in a reality that is based on fear and nothing else.  How great is that???!!!

My close friend knocked on the door of my cave this weekend.  I opened it a crack and out came waves of my newly created “facts.”  He gently reminded me that I was in my cave and that sometimes what seems clear in my cave is not reality… WHAT??? YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! (Geeze, I hate it when someone calls me on stuff like that).

He’s right.  We (ok, me) get stuck in those “facts” or assumptions that are based on fear.  Sure, sometimes our fears become reality and then I suppose they become facts.  However, more often than not if we talk about our fears the other person can change course so the facts don’t materialize as we assumed.  Or, at the very least, the discussion can center on admitting (ok, me admitting) that my plush Coach bus with a big clean bathroom (I gotta have that – I’m 50 you know) is being driven by Ms. Fear and taking me to No Wheresville.  Hopefully, the person we are “sharing” with knows enough to acknowledge our fears.  That’s a critical piece and is important when dealing with anyone … whether it be our children or our partners.

Hey, I  know I am the only one with this issue.  But, if by chance you find yourself in this same situation, call me.  I’ve got my CDL license and I am happy to drive you in my Coach for a visit to the cave.  I promise I won’t let you stay there for long!

Have a great day!

I spent the evening with two guys who are best friends.  They’ve known each other since college – some 40 years ago.  They don’t live in the same state but they have found a way to stay connected all these years.  While I was with them another friend of theirs called.  I listened them on a speaker phone.  There’s something about the playful, non-serious banter of guy BFFs that is so fun!

My daughter has a BFF.  She “lives” at our house.  She’s like my second daughter.  With her, my daughter can share all her secrets and knows they will stay right there.  I can’t tell you how much I enjoy watching the two of them.  Even my boys have said that they want to have a best friend like their sister does … I wish that my boys saw each other as best friends, but that might be too much to ask right now — they will see it someday.  I have to say – when I see my two guys laughing and just enjoying one another’s company — I’m in heaven!

I too have a number of close friends.  I have one friend who lives in NM – she’s known me since I was 5!  She is amazing and even if I don’t talk with her for a long stretch, when we finally do connect it feels like we haven’t missed a beat.   I can be my authentic self with her like no one else.  I love that about her.

One of my best friends was my mother.  I thought I would never replace that relationship – but I have – with my father.   It is amazingly different and incredible all the same.  Sometimes out of a tragedy comes a miracle.

We rely on our friends for comfort and support.  Sometimes our best friends are our spouses.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes we have more than one best friend.  Regardless of the relationship, it requires nourishment and attention.   Honestly, the best thing about a BFF, is their ability to listen – not solve – but listen.  And for me, those relationships that I cherish are those like I saw last night – a touching  base, a connection, questions  (not solving – but giving much-needed advice, however) and listening.

Call a friend today and just thank them for being your BFF.   Imagine how you’ll feel getting a phone call like that today.

Have a great day!

I was a teenager monster!  Seriously.  I ran away from home (went all of a mile, called my dad and asked him to pick me up!), I hung around with the “wrong crowd,” brought friends (secretly) into my house at all hours of the night … I think I made my mom’s life miserable – sorry mom (she died 13 years ago and I still miss her as much now as I did then).

Talk to my mom when I was a teenager???  No way!  All my friends thought mine was the coolest mom.  She listened to their deep dark secrets, had thoughtful responses, she was a “hip” dresser and made cookies when they were around.  I, in turn, was embarrassed that she was my mom.  I thought she had no idea how to listen to the smallest of my issues, she had the ugliest clothes (unless I needed something from her closet) and I hated the cookie thing!  I totally missed the boat.

We had a few “things” come up this week.  Nothing serious but I found myself wondering how my mom might respond in the same situation. While I’m thankful that my kids talk to me about what’s on their mind, I’m not so cocky as to think that it will always be like this.  I know I need to keep working at it.

I started early with my kids.  I wanted to keep the lines of communication open, trying not to judge (stink at that), making sure that I initiate conversations with them about every day items that relate to our lives and trying to actively listen (stink at that too).   My goal is to learn to LISTEN not just while I am doing dishes or folding laundry  – but when I can sit down and fully engage (I can just hear my kids wishing I wouldn’t say this stuff!).   I think my mom did all that too – I just wasn’t paying attention.

I remember that somewhere in the 6-week period between my mom’s diagnosis and death, I begged her not to die.  I told her that I needed her help during the teenage years – I didn’t want to do it without her.  She promised me that my life with my daughter (and the boys – they were 6 weeks old when she died) would be different.  Maybe she’s helping me.  Maybe my kids are more advanced emotionally than I was at that age (highly likely!).  Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for how it is right now.

I know it’s a lot of work when they are little but the real work is when they are teenagers.  They are trying to wrestle control from you but all the while needing you to maintain some control and requiring open, non-judgmental conversations with a willingness to allow for their emotional growth.

We’re supposed to do all that and keep the rest of the world going at the same time?  Calgon, take me away!!

Have a wonderful day!

… no, not for the blog.  I’m on my 30th blog and haven’t even hit the 3 months of posts on my control issues.  Nor, have I gotten to the, at least, 40 blogs on LOVE (my absolute favorite topic!). No, I’ve run out of ideas for dinner.

What did June Cleaver and Aunt Bee (there’s my age again) do for dinner every night?  They didn’t have the fast food options we have now.  Nor, did they  know as much as we do about diabetes, trans fats, sugars, etc.  But they had vegetables on the table, desserts and real meat and potatoes every meal!!!   For vegetables at my house … either it’s carrots every night (yuck) or in my desperation (and guilt) I had them try this new juice that is supposed to give the kids a serving of vegetables in each 8 oz glass.  What kind of mom have I become???

Here’s my additional struggle … they eat two meals from the 5:00 to 9:30 p.m. period.  Please!  My mom shut the kitchen down at 7 and that was it.  If you didn’t get dinner you got PBJ’s … made yourself!!  Now, I spend an entire 4 1/2 hours in the kitchen cooking, cleaning and doing it again — all the while, trying to get some work done, laundry and get ready for the next day.  That doesn’t address the number of times that I am at the grocery store at 9 p.m. (I’ve got a blog on that one all right!)

So, yesterday, feeling guilty, I took out the Four Ingredient Cookbook.  Who can’t find something to cook there?  I picked out orange chicken with asparagus — chicken, an orange, asparagus and soy sauce (I cheated and added rice as a side dish).   We got home at 6.  Still in my work clothes, I start dinner, reading the cookbook, cutting, cooking … whew, it took less than 40 minutes.  At this point I’m feeling really good about myself!

During dinner I thought someone might mention how great the food was but there was too much chatter about school, soccer and homework.  No problem.  I was relaxed knowing that with all this homemade food I wasn’t going to have to make a second meal later and I could have a nice calm evening!

Finally, at the end of dinner, one of them looked up at me and said, “I’m still hungry.  Can I have a can of soup?”

I need a wife.

Have a fantastic day!

Last night I was out for dinner with a friend and we were talking about life in the single world.  He’s been married, divorced and in and out of relationships.  He said that it’s hard to commit because he hasn’t found his definition of “the one.”  He mused about the current dating scene, the on-line and dating services.  I told him that I recently heard that at our age friends with benefits means dating someone on social security (this really might be true!)

After we ordered our second glass of wine I took out a piece of paper and I told him to give me his “checklist.”  I was a bit worried about making this suggestion but I was on my second glass of wine so what the heck!

Here’s the list:  smart, happy, passionate and loving.  Hmm, where were all the other things, attractive, physically fit, blonde (or fake blonde), other fake things, etc., etc.?  Nope, that was it.  “Well,” I asked, “do you think you’re putting your best into your relationships?”  He hesitated and said, maybe not.

I struggled for a minute before I found and gave my advice  —- OK, now please note that the woman whose been single for 10 years is about to give relationship advice!

I reminded him that if he wants the best a relationship can offer, then he has to put his best in.  This is for all relationships – with our kids, our families and at work.  The amount of energy and attention you give a relationship will determine its long-term success.

Great relationships just don’t happen; they happen because both people  treat the relationship with care, respect, gentleness and thoughtfulness. Both is the operative word here.  I read once that it’s easy to cut corners in our daily life. We do it all the time. I never balance my bank accounts to the penny every month.  I also don’t remember to recycle every plastic bottle (ouch).  Yet, if we cut corners in our relationships, we will never have the kind of relationships we want.

It really is about the little things (like the notes to our kids, quick calls to our family members, etc.) that show the other person that you care about them.  My assistant has been with me almost 17 years.  I hope it’s because she knows that she’s important to me all the time (I’m sure I’m a pain in the you-know-what but thankfully, she overlooks that!).  Seriously, that’s what’s needed in all our relationships ….. To make any relationship a long-term success, the other person needs to know, see and feel that they matter.

I barely got started with the second glass of wine and it was time to head home.  We hugged each other and while he was thanking me I told him I needed to thank him.  The conversation was a good reminder about how I want to be in my relationships and how I want others to be toward me.  Insightful.

Do something special for the ones you love today – no, every day!

Why is it that the kids are always looking for things to be “fair?”  Where did they get that?  Certainly not from my side of the family because we know that life’s not fair!   With my kids, it could be anything —  from who got the most strawberries at dinner to who got more playing time on an electronic device.  Yesterday it was about a strings lesson and because I made an executive decision (Yes, I do make them) that didn’t comport with the “fairness” rule, all …. broke loose.

I got into the fray too, “Hey, do you think it’s fair that I have to plunge the toilet when there’s an “issue – even when I didn’t use it”?  That’s not fair to me! And, furthermore is it fair that I am forced to sit in a car with you after soccer, sweaty and with all sorts of other sounds and smells coming from your body?  That’s my airspace!!!”  (Ok, now I was getting into it).  “And really, if you aren’t careful and stop arguing with me there will be a consequence!”  Oh, the dreaded, invisible consequence!  I use it all the time and it hasn’t worked once.  They laughed and one of them reminded me that even when I do “issue” a consequence, I never remember to follow through.  “Short-term memory loss, Mom,”  one of them said.  Man, a tough crowd.

Why do we hear this fairness stuff all the time?  In my house, there are three main reasons:  (1) sibling rivalry – enough said; (2) it isn’t fair and I really have screwed up (gotta admit to that happening once in a while); or (3) usually when my kids want to do something that “other parents let their kids do” and I am not going for it.   The first one, I really can’t do anything about other than embrace their differences and similarities and give them some reassurance.  The second one … well, I am not perfect and when I screw up (and I see it!) I would like to believe I am willing to admit it.  For the last one, I typically remind them how horrible their life is, what a monster their mom can be and how they can be the same kind of cruel parent when they have kids (smile).

So, yesterday’s issue ended with an explanation of why I had made my executive decision, a compromise to equal the playing field next time and ice cream sandwiches.  Food cures all problems (Italian proverb).

Have a great day!

I went for a walk last night.  The moon was out.  The feeling of fall was in the air.  I was “unplugged” and just experiencing the moment.  If you’re like me, once it gets dark, I am in the house, cooking, cleaning, getting kids ready for bed.  I don’t always take the opportunity to appreciate the beauty of the evening.

Moreover, evening is often when I have the least amount of patience.  I am tired from the day, I usually see how much I still have left to do and I become a bit more short-tempered and controlling.  Last night I made an effort to be different, to remain calm with the kids and just stay centered.  For a bit, I almost got off track.  Something came up and I immediately got trapped in my old ways – trying to control rather than recognize that I can only control my own thoughts, actions and behavior.  I forced myself to step back and look at what I was thinking and feeling at that moment.  This “stepping back” is a change for me – not trying to control a situation and more importantly not allowing situations to control me.

I love the notion that once we become calmer and more trusting of ourselves and our surroundings (and stop controlling) we actually become more comfortable in our lives.  Really, control is just an illusion. It is a way of trying to prevent pain and uncertainty.  Which is why trying to “control” a situation just brings anger and frustration.  It also prevents us from taking a step back, looking at that situation with a clear lens and from being open (really with ourselves) about our feelings.  For me, control can be a way of avoiding a look at my own issues – sound familiar??

So, I am trying (there’s that word again) to remind myself that I really can’t predict the future or even control it.  I am thankful for where I am and what’s in my life right now and if that changes (and it always does!) I will be comfortable with the change and not try to control or prevent it.  Life is all about staying present, accepting change and being comfortable with uncertainty of it all.

Have a great start to your week!

Yesterday was a really great day and I learned a few things in the process:

1. I went running (yea!) with a couple of women in the morning and I learned that I am not the only one working to improve communication skills with my kids and in my personal life.  One woman, married for 20+ years, talked about how easy it is to get stuck in her communications with her spouse because she is thinking, “What am I getting from this conversation/relationship,”  rather than thinking “What can I give to this conversation/relationship.”  Fantastic thought … I’m going to use it!

2. In talking to a friend about how people move through life — getting from A to B , he reminded me that it’s not about our path or how long it takes us, it’s about where we end up.  Sometimes the path is a bit crooked but it will still lead us to the place we are supposed to be.  Nice.

2. I learned that at high school varsity games, the parents are terrible in the way they yell at the referees.  I mean really bad.  My kids say this is how it is.  I think it is not how it should be.  I believe we were supposed to be respectful so as to be good role models for our athletes.  This was highly disappointing to me.

3. I noted that 13 year-old girls like to hang out in swarms and that 13 year-old boys like pretend they don’t notice the girls but really are watching their every move.  Some things never change.

4. I learned that there is nothing more fun than watching my daughter and her friends.  They are so honest, care about one another and have such a great time together.  Those are the sorts of friendships we should have forever!

5. I was reminded how critical it is to make eye-contact with people.  This occurred when an employee of a local coffee shop thanked me for asking how her day was going and actually making eye contact.  She said that sometimes the employees at this location place bets on how many people will actually make eye-contact during a shift and it is usually less than 10% of those who order.  Unbelievable.

6. I learned that spending time with my kids, when I am not rushed, not talking to a client, not needing to fix, cook or clean something, really is fun!

Have a great Sunday – bet you’ll learn something today!

So, my son gets up in the morning the other day and starts frantically doing homework (this is standard fare!).  I ask him something like, “Why isn’t it done?  I told you all homework had to be done before you turned on your electronic game.”  He then says something like, “You didn’t say it had to all be done but that I needed to get it done sometime.”  That bugs me.  Seriously.  That is not what I said and I can’t tell you how many times I KNOW that I say something and all I hear from them is, “You never said that.”  What follows is total defensiveness (on both the sides – the 13 year-old and the 50 year-old) and nothing gets accomplished.  Is it that miscommunication, misunderstanding or is he just not listening?

I would like to say that it’s my son that’s not listening but that might not be a very intellectually honest statement.  It’s likely both of us  — and if both of us are listening poorly, not listening at all or just not being clear, miscommunication will occur.  Then, when we misunderstand each other we get defensive and take actions or come to conclusions based on wrong information.  Ever have that happen with your child or significant other?

This issue is really one of active listening.  One of those phrases that sounds good, right?!  Active listening means really listening with intent and concentrating on what it is the other person is saying BEFORE coming up with your response/argument/position  (really, I’ve developed this into an art form … coming up with my position before someone’s even finished talking — ever do that? – not one of my finer traits!)

I often tell my kids that attitude plays a very important role in listening and even if you don’t agree with what is said, keep your attitude in check and realize that you are not in an argument but rather a conversation .  While I may be better at doing this with my children … it is much harder in one’s personal life, right?

Frankly, I am so tired of hearing my kids say that what I said isn’t what I said that it might be worth it to try “active listening” and watch my and their responses.  I’m just going to do it today … Remember, Rome wasn’t build in a day!

Enjoy the beautiful weather!

I am not in love with complaining.  In fact, I’ve been know to get a bit frustrated when my kids get in the car after school and complain about a class, something at recess, an assignment, that they are hungry, tired,  etc. (what a rough life!).  It’s easy to complain because life is full of frustrations – I get that and want to support them.  But, when is it too much?

Yesterday I was on a walk with a friend and he asked if I was cold (I was) and I said, “No.  I’m fine.”  He said, “No, you’re not fine.  Your cold.   What’s wrong with saying you’re cold?”  Great question and I had no answer (frankly, I was too cold to talk!) but I did squeak out that I didn’t like complaining.  Would that have been a complaint?  Maybe I’ve got my definitions wrong – we want the people around us to share their feelings (especially when we know the feeling but they won’t admit it) yet, we don’t like complainers — what’s the difference?

Maybe complaining is not the same thing as having a negative emotional reaction.  That first-response negative reaction is ok and it is at that point (when I got cold) that I should have said something.  The next step would be me complaining about the weather, that I was dumb to forget a jacket, etc.  That act of true complaining is the act of reinforcing what you don’t want and intending even more of it.  It’s the act of dwelling on the negative that’s tougher to deal with … (don’t think I don’t do my fair share of complaining — check out this blog!!!).

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be around a chronic complainer?  What’s so interesting to me is that these people tend to attract like people and situations into their lives and then they complain about that too.   It seems as if the world is darker to them and that’s sad.  Don’t get me wrong … there are times in our lives where we need to vent and that is an important part of our relationships.  I want to be there for my friends at that moment and they want to be there for me.  That’s different from the chronic complainer or the avoider (me) – both of which are frustrating.

I tell my kids that we are as happy as we allow yourself to be — that happiness is really a state of mind.  That the more we dwell on what we don’t like and then verbalize it, the more it will become a part of our being.

The other day, when one of the boys was complaining again about X, I said I was done listening.  I told him to complain in his head but not in my air space (man, I sound like my mom there!).  Yesterday he said to me, “I’m done complaining about X and I’ve decided to change my attitude and see if that helps!”  I almost passed out!   Maybe my good stuff is rubbing off on him … (now if only he didn’t acquire my bad stuff (read – swearing) too!)

Have a fantastic start to your weekend!!!