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I had a great conversation last night about relationships where we agreed that you don’t just get lucky and have a great relationship.  You build it brick by brick. Of course, we all know this to be true but what we often forget is that even when we are arguing or disagreeing, we are building   –  and from that disagreement we often come back stronger, with a few more bricks in the joint wall. Fantastic idea!

As we spoke (sometimes him talking and sometimes me talking – sometimes heated and sometimes not!) I began to write down notes about our thoughts:

To have a great relationship, start with yourself.  It is never too late for improvement of ourselves.   We are never the perfect partner – we must focus on looking internally – to better ourselves first. We should also be saying “what can I do to make him feel better.”  Not, “what can he do to make me feel better.”   Of course, the reverse must be happening!

Say thanks.  If you both show your appreciation and gratitude for the small acts of kindness, you will find yourselves falling in love over and over again. I read once that happy couples say it is important not only to show kindness to the world, but also to each other. Cool!

Be faithful. The same article noted that happy couples say they never want to make their partner feel insecure about their love or doubt their loyalty. It is not enough to be faithful. You have to make sure not to give the appearance that you are anything but faithful.  That means you don’t do or say anything in public or private that you wouldn’t want your partner to see or know about.

Do things together and have some fun. Shared activities connect you and bring you closer.  Having fun solidifies the good feelings and gets you though the tough times. Think of it as an insurance policy.  Focus on what you admire about each other and say it out loud!!

Attitude, Attitude, Attitude. Look at differences between you as a way to learn more about your partner … not shut them out. Many problems are solved with the right attitude about these differences.

Don’t make winning the priority. When disagreeing, don’t make winning the goal.  Have the attitude or goal of wanting to listen with an open mind. Listen to the feelings not the words.  Critically important —  don’t put the other person down when you are angry.

Resolve issues quickly. There will be disagreements. Don’t avoid conflict.  Think of anger as a sign that something needs attention, not that there is a fatal flaw.  It means that someone’s needs are not being met.  A great relationship must be safe for both partners to express and resolve anger and differences without fear that the other person will walk.

Relationships are built and last on top of thousands of bricks, put in place in the good times and the not-so-good times. It is a fantastic process!

Have a wonderful day.

Last night I had dinner with my father, my sister, her husband, my brother and his girlfriend.  I don’t see my brother as often as I like and he has the most delightful significant other.  She is from Thailand and has a wonderful way of being herself.  As I sat at dinner and looked around the table, I began to think about my “family.”  Who is in my family and how do I define it?

My definition of family is something like, “people with whom I have bonds of love and commitment.”  So, in other words, for me, family is not just about the actual structure but also about the quality of the relationships.  It’s really about shared values, beliefs, and traditions; common experiences and activities; and unconditional, non-judgmental love and support.  Clearly not just blood, in my book.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think you can compare your parents, lets say, with a close friend.  Our parents are those people who teach us to discriminate between right and wrong and how to love and live in the world, among and other things. They help build our foundation which helps us move forward in healthy ways.  With friends, if you lose a friend, chances are you will meet a new one.  If you lose a parent, you can’t just get a new one.  There is something different about the bond with our parents.  And our children?  Well, that’s a whole different ball game all together, isn’t it?

I guess I’m speaking in the broader sense.  For example, I’ve experienced many different kinds of families – like “religious “families” that have spiritual connections and shared values, even though we were not formally related.  Or, work families, where we had common experiences and share activities without blood relations.  There are social networking/technology “families” where people create online or virtual families of individuals who share their beliefs, hobbies and values even if they have never met in person. We even marry into families and then they become our family!  I’m looking forward to that some day!

So, as I thought about it last night at dinner I realized that it really doesn’t matter how I define family.  What matters is that I let those people know that the bonds of love and affection are so strong that they fit within my definition of family.  I don’t have to rate them or decide which one is stronger.  All I need to do is tell them I feel that way.  Nothing feels better than hearing that someone feels so strongly about you that they consider you “family.”

Have a wonderful start to your weekend!

Scenario: Your partner/friend/child says something that hurts your feelings.  You retaliate with an angry or defensive and cutting remark.  Then, you come up with a justification for your response … one of those tapes that say: “She’s so insensitive to all my feelings.” or “No matter what I do, it is never enough.”   These thoughts are your “answer” to justify your anger or retaliatory comment.  However, these thoughts will actually cause you to distance yourself even farther from the love you feel for that person.  Yesterday, I had a series of communications with a friend and I know some of them were based on those same tapes.  It really made me think about how this process “works” (or, really doesn’t work!)

Emotional defensiveness or impulse control is, I think, an important secret for success in life and in relationships.  While I am no expert (as we all know!) it’s not difficult to understand that we live in a culture that is very “me” based. We want it all and we want it now. Why put off for later what you can have now? If it feels good then do it. Look at Tiger Wood, Ben Roethlisberger, Jonathan Edwards, Elliott Spitzer, Lindsay Lohan — all related to impulse control management.  This is what our kids are watching. But this way of being, not controlling our impulses and justifying our actions is not a good way to be in the world or in our relationships.

I’m sure you heard of that famous research study from many years ago, out of Stanford, where children were given a choice between having one marshmallow now or two later. Those who were able to delay gratification by selecting the two later option were more likely to complete their education, have better jobs, stay married, and live healthier lives, many years after the study, than those who went for the one marshmallow option. Amazing!

So, instead of your immediate impulse response to your partner/friend/child, think, “What’s inside me that’s making me angry right now?” or “What’s going on that’s making me hurt right now?”  You really can substitute any other emotion in this question and arrive at the answer about what your emotional self is trying to tell you. Usually, the reaction, whatever it is, is based on something greater than the current issue – it’s often based instead on something from your past that you relate to the current situation.

So, you have two choices:  You can choose to share what you are really feeling with your partner/friend/child – and drop the defensiveness part (this emotional honesty will likely bring you closer) with, hopefully, the other person saying, “I can understand how you might see it that way.”  Or, you can send the quick email or make the off-hand remark and allow the situation to spiral downward.

Non-defensive, empathetic listening and transparent sharing, when you defer your own needs for a while to concentrate your attention on your partner/friend/child while s/he is speaking is really the only way to go.  Maybe its better to look at it this way:  two marshmallows are always better than one because then you can share them.

Have a fantastic day!

It used to be that only the Jews went out on Christmas.  It was usually Chinese food, bowling and a movie.  I recall many years where only 1/2 the movie theatre was filled on Christmas and you could easily get a table at a Chinese place.   No so any more.

My father and I thought we had it all planned out.  I would hang with my kids in the morning, get in a quick run and then we would meet for lunch and a movie.  Plans changed slightly, as they do when you have an ex, and it became a movie and dinner.  I didn’t think it mattered.  We were likely to have the movie theatre to ourselves anyway.

We arrive at the theatre five minutes before the show started and were shocked.  The parking lot (which is large) was completely filled and there were lines outside the theatre.  I suggested to my dad (once we found a spot at the opposite end of the lot) that these people could not be in line waiting to see “our”move.  We were seeing one that had been out for weeks!  Once we navigated our walk on the icy parking lot, and stood in line for a few minutes, we were told, “It’s sold out.”  What?  Sold out?  Are you kidding?  Who are all these people?  Most of whom didn’t look Jewish to me.  What were non-Jews doing out? What happened to Christmas for the Jews?

We regroup and find another theatre (in a non-jewish area of town), buy the tickets off my phone and head that direction.  Dinner, we muse, will be much easier.

After a great film, we head for dinner.  We figure that all the people celebrating Christmas will be too full for food so it should be no problem finding a place with a table.  Eventually we found a place (it was packed) and yes we got a table (the last table and as close to the door as any table they had!), but we enjoyed our “Christmas” together anyway.

I’m not sure what’s happening.  Maybe the notion of Christmas is changing.  When we celebrated Christmas with my Mom we stayed home all day, playing cards, skiing, going for walks.  A movie or dinner out never entered our minds!  What ever the reason, my Dad and I have decided that a little more forethought is going to be required in future years.  I would invite you to join us but you must have been out anyway!

Have a great day!

No more letters from Santa. They just get letters from me. Here are this year’s letters.

To my daughter: I want you to know that I am incredibly proud of who you are as a person. I feel lucky (I mean really lucky) to have such a caring and present daughter. What I mean by that is that you never look too far ahead or too far behind. You enjoy the present and help us all do the same. You have the most incredible heart, for those in your life and those who are not. That is a gift – a real gift – that I hope you cherish — I do. I love you. Mom

To my son: I know you have some tapes going in your mind right now but I also know that you are fully aware of how much I love you. You are much like me with the spirit of life and the interest in the world around you. But you have more. You have the ability to think deep (well past what I could do at your age) and see yourself as part of the greater world/universe. Plus, you have the ability to feel just as deeply as you think. You try to hide it but I know it is there and love that about you. I wear your ring every day. That should say something to you. I love you. Mom

To my son: You are so willing to help your cousins, your family and even those you don’t know. Helping people and the interest in doing so will serve you well someday. Plus, you have a knack for being intellectually honest. What I mean by that is you are willing to come back (maybe not right way – but I always know you will) and apologize for something. That is a trait that not many people have but will be incredibly valuable in life. You have taught me to do the same – thank you for that. I love you. Mom

To everyone else – regardless of your religious preference, I am thankful for all of you who are in my life. I would not be here, in this exact spot, without each and every one of you. Somehow, each of you has affected my life and for that I want to say thanks!

Some gift giving with the kids and then a movie and chinese food with my father will finish off my day! Enjoy your day and stay warm!

We spent a long weekend in Lutsen and got back last night.  On the ride up I noted that my kids had their music on and their earphones in.  Ever notice how they don’t hear a word of what you are saying when those “things” are shoved in their ears?  I get so frustrated.  I’ve been trying to think of ways to deal with this and by the time we got back on the road home I had devised a plan.

Most teens spend a significant amount of time listening to music in their day-to-day lives.   Music is also an outlet for teens to express and explore emotions that they are not comfortable talking about.  Interestingly (or scarily), a  2011 study out of the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine found higher rates of depression in teens who listened to 4-5 hours of music a day versus those who read or did other activities (even watched TV).  I devoured the study and it’s theories on the findings.  Regardless, for those of you with teens (or upcoming teens), I suggest you check it out.

When I was growing up (back then we had handheld CD players), music defined certain times in my life.  I recall my mom being quite in tune (no pun intended) with the music that I enjoyed.  I think this was one of the things that my friends liked about her.  She loved a great beat and the 60’s and 70’s music was still big — we enjoyed it together.  So, how could I do the same with my kids when they have these buds shoved in their ears?  How could I hear all the new stuff they were listening to and loved, yet allow them their space to choose and listen?

So, here was my plan:  I asked the kids to each take turns playing, on the car system, their favorite song on their iPod.  This turned out to be the best game we could play! We listened to quite a few songs and  I learned that each one of my kids has eclectic but fantastic tastes in music.  They learned that they had songs in common (so often they hate to admit they are related let alone have something in common!) and that liked songs that their siblings had but they didn’t.

This game was the culmination of a great family bonding weekend.  We skied together.  Ate together.  Enjoyed the beauty of our surroundings together.  And jammed together!  There is nothing better.

Enjoy your family today — as tough as it can be sometimes, they are your family.

Happiness is a state of being. We all know that but our feelings of happiness feed off our experiences. We all have a tendency to look to our partners, our parents, our friends, etc. to make us happy. Happiness is not merely a moment of pleasure. It is a long-term experience that will inevitably come from what we put out there. I mean this: what we put in the world is what we will get back!

My son and I are struggling to hear each other on this one. I told him yesterday that if you act happy (even if you are faking it) it will rub off in others and on himself! I reminded him much fun it is to be around positive people and not so much fun around negative people. I’m not sure he hears me. He’s got those teenage tapes going in his head that are telling him how his parents and siblings (and almost everyone else in the world) don’t understand him.

I asked him to take just one day and try the four things: kindness, no blame, positivity, forgiveness and love – and put it out there to everyone…even strangers. It’s not perfect but I hope he will see what I’m talking about.

1. Be Kind: It’s easy to be kind to those people who are kind to us. But the key part is being kind to those who are not kind to us. Ever wish that when you are admitting a mistake, the other person would embrace you and thank you for coming forward – being kind about the apology rather than hammering again? Kindness breeds more kindness.

2. Don’t Blame: It’s not easy to take responsibility for one’s actions. So, instead we find ways to push the good person down so that we feel better about ourselves. However, there is no bigger waste of energy then trying to avoid that which you should admit.

3. Be Positive. There is nothing better than truly positive people. Not the fake, syrupy kind of people. Those “real” ones. You know who I am talking about!

4. Forgive and forget. Moving forward and being happy requires forgiveness of others and yourself. The latter is as important as the former.

5. Love. It’s a feeling you can project to anyone and everyone. As simple as a real smile to a stranger.

Thankfully, every day is new and we can try again and again until these notions become a habit. I believe that it will happen for my kids … Work in progress. Finally a good addiction!

Have a great day!

There is a song by Baz Luhrmann called Sunscreen. It’s not the music that I love but the words. He starts by telling a graduating class that if they were to take one piece of advice from him it should be to wear sunscreen. Here are excerpts from the rest of his “speech:”

“Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You’re not as fat as you imagine.”

“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”

“Sing.”

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.”

“Floss.”

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

…

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

….

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can… Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own…

Dance… even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

…

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

…

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.

… And, trust me on the sunscreen…”

Have a great day!

A friend gave me a retro eraser with this saying on it … “Smart Women Make Changes.”  There’s a company that manufactures items with this fantastic saying!  How cool is that!  Also, last night I went to a book signing for a friend of mine.  An attorney who made the commitment to begin writing every day and out of that commitment – three years later – came a book (which was just published)!!  That’s change.  I’ve written about change before but as we come upon the new year, I am examining this issue quite closely in my own life.

Most people don’t strive for changes because the unknown is scary.  I know that’s true for me.  Even though I may not like where I am at the moment (job, relationship, weight, anything), it is still familiar, comfortable, predictable and requires minimal effort. Why change, right?  Writing this blog was a change for me.  To write or even admit to and open up about all my flaws (and on a daily basis) was scary and a challenge.  I have never done anything like this before in all my 50 years.

I have a love/hate relationship with the familiar, the comfortable, and the predictable. I love it but I know that I can do more to change and grow.  I am also afraid of change, afraid of failing, afraid of leaving people, job security, routine, or all of the above.  But, I also am experiencing change every day and I know it’s what makes my life exciting!

On New Year’s Day, thousands of people resolve to change something about their lives. They start off strong, but as February approaches, many begin to lose their interest in the change.  Those that really do follow through are the ones who have “failed” several times.  I think trying with persistence, a common trait of change-makers, will result in success.

I’ve never made new year’s promises.  I’m not sure why.  My mom thought that was “odd” because “everyone makes them.”  Maybe I was even afraid to make a promise to myself!  In any case, I didn’t and still don’t.  On my birthday this year, I committed to making changes each day.  Of course, those close to me would agree that I have failed as many times as I have been successful (or even less).  I’ve made some small changes and a few with big heavy doors.

This year – starting today – I am going to make some that I never imagined I would make.  I have no idea what they are yet or how it will all turn out.  Scary?  Yes.  Am I likely to cry a few times as I push through? No question (but I’m Italian – remember?).  Yet, I am certain, absolutely certain, that I will be amazed (and happy) at how cool the changes are.

I really look forward to each new day and the changes and surprises it brings.  I hope you do too!