Monthly Archives: May 2013

Yesterday, I heard that a lawyer in town said something quite mean about me (no love lost there and I recently beat him on a case that he felt strongly about).  Instead of asking what was said or confronting the person, I simply said – “Well, I’m sure he feels bad losing to a woman.”  All true but what were my real feelings?  I didn’t really feel sorry for him other than that he can’t see the world through his own ego-filled lenses.  Yet, I pretended to feel sorry for him.  Why wasn’t I direct about my thoughts?

When I read this Lily Tomlin quote, I immediately thought of lots of conversations I’ve had over the years.  Those conversations where I wanted to be nice, but was not really saying what I wanted to say.  That’s the Minnesota nice way, eh?

In another conversation this week, a friend and I discussed the definition of direct.  Sometimes people operate under the guise of direct when they’re really being passive aggressive or just plain mean.  Some people know how to nicely but firmly share their thoughts and feelings — which is tough to do.  I want to do the latter.  So, my question to myself was:

Do I say what I mean and mean what I say in a positive way?

Some of us have been trained in the art of sugar-coating or “verbal dancing.”  We dance around a subject without really getting out the point we are trying to make.  We think we will get what we want this way, but we don’t.

Sometimes we’re just afraid to rock the boat (happens a lot in the work environment).  We think that if we just push our own needs out of the way, the situation will work better.  After all, how could we survive if people didn’t like us or like what we are saying??

But here’s my thought on this:  every time I’m not straight forward and nicely direct, I diminish my self-worth.  I give away my power, my needs and my self.  I allow myself to become resigned to a situation that I’m not happy with and then become resentful, frustrated or I just leave and go elsewhere.

We need to decide if we feel better spinning our words out of fear of repercussion or do we want to calmly and clearly state our needs and desires and not worry about rejection.  If we are rejected in this situations or the person becomes angry or defensive, then the person doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to – and we should walk away.  If they listen, then we both retain our power and real work can be accomplished.

I want to leave you with two questions today:

1. What is the price I pay for dancing around my needs? and

2. Is that how I really want to spend my life?

Food for thought.

Have a wonderful day!

Setting:  We need to be to the baseball field by 5.  Boys come home at 3:55 and disappear into the bathrooms.

Me: (Yelling into each bathroom) We’ve got to leave in 45 minutes to get to the game on time.

Them: (No response)

Me: Guys, do you hear me? 45 minutes!

One or both: Okaaaay! (Frustration in their voices).  One says, “I can’t hear you.”   —  (Really??? I am right outside the door!)

Them: Nothing happens.

Me: Guys, we’ve got to leave in 30 minutes and your dinner is on the table.

Them: Silence (Still in bathrooms with headphones).  No one comes out.  I wait a few more minutes.

Me: Guys, we have to leave in 15 minutes. You’ve got to eat, get dressed and put your stuff in the car!

Them:  (A few minutes later, out they come).  They eat and start to get dressed – rather slowly chatting the whole time.

Me: Seriously! We needed to leave 2 minutes ago. What’s going on?

Them: Finally, one gets in the car and yells, “Mom! Let’s go! We’ve got to get going!” (Yea, I’m getting pissed now.)   The other one says, “I’ve still got to put my contacts in!”

Me: What?  No way!  That’s a 5 minute process.  Why didn’t you think of that before?  We’re already late!

Him: Because you didn’t give me enough time to eat!

Me: I walk out.  Smoke coming from my ears.

We get in the car.  No contacts.  I need a workout at the club ASAP.  I start driving.

Me: Listen guys.  This is ridiculous. You two need to pay attention to the time.  You spent 30 minutes in the bathroom and 10 minutes total for eating and getting dressed.

Them: Well, why didn’t you tell us?  How are we supposed to know?  If you would have given us dinner sooner, we could have gotten ready faster.

Me:  (Trying not to pull the car over, because of course, we are late.  The smoke from my ears has now turned to flames).  Why do you make it my responsibility? (We’re all cranky now!)

Them: Isn’t that your job?

Me:  I faint.

Next issue?

Have a great day!

I watched a movie last night – 50 First Dates starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.  The main character, “Lucy” (Barrymore) has almost no short-term memory due to a car accident. She remembers everything up until the time of the accident, but is unable to retain any memory of what’s happened since then. When she goes to sleep at night, she forgets everything that happened that day, and wakes up in the morning thinking it’s the day before the accident

Although the premise is difficult to imagine, the movie has a wonderful metaphor for new beginnings.  It made me think about how much baggage we bring to the start of each new day in our own lives.  How much anger we retain each day and how many things we hang on to and allow to affect us each new morning.

Though we can’t live like Lucy, we can decide to try to wipe the slate clean each morning and start over again.  I read a blog post once that said, “It is often our own refusal to let go and move on that causes the most pain. Each day can be a new beginning if we choose to make it so.”  I totally believe that statement.

As you know, I’ve been looking at myself this year.  Who am I?  What parts are unacceptable or need changing and what parts are those that people close to me love?  I’m finally discovering that after 50 years, maybe I am not that bad!  Sure, I’ve had got some rough patches.  But, I see them and try to acknowledge them.  I also have been trying to start each day happy and as a new beginning.  If my children can get up each morning and seem as if the day is new, why can’t I?

Having fresh thoughts should be doable because everything really is the power of our thoughts and intentions.  The question is, who do we want to be? Do we want to be the forgiving, loving person we should (or can) be (of ourselves and others) or do we want to be the one hanging on to old tapes and really never having a new day?

What about all of you?  Can you start your day as if it were a new beginning?  Are you ready to check your old thoughts?  Can you experience life in a happy and forgiving way from the day before?  I think so.  If we set our mind to it, we can do anything!

Have a wonderful day!

You have a choice.  You can be on the offense and move the puck or ball forward.  Or, you can be on the defense and protect your zone.  Despite the fact that I am a huge sports fan, this post really isn’t about sports.  This is about relationships.  Are you playing offense or defense in your relationships?

Defensive behavior seems to be one of the leading causes of ongoing conflicts with partners and with family and friends.  It is the type of behavior that will lead to long-term damage and actually end up destroying a relationship.  I’ve seen it and experienced it.

Being defensive tells your partner that you don’t really care about their ideas or feelings.  Instead, it’s about being right.  And, once you establish how right you are, someone has to be wrong …

If you can (honestly) look at arguments with your partner you can see that defensiveness is really based on feeling attacked and generally not safe.  This results in the other “side” putting on their armor and fighting back — and also having to be defensive.  This is how the battlefield is set.  There are no winners here.  Just a bloody mess.

I read a study on communication which found that defensive behaviors are often a sign of childhood issues (aren’t they all??).  Those who had childhoods where there was no one who “listened” to their needs or feelings, ended up being much more defensive as adults.  Those who grew up with someone who “listened” to them, were less defensive as adults. (good reminder for those of us raising kids!)  Easy enough, huh?

Sadly, defensive behavior is often difficult to change.  For many people it is easier to point out how their partner should change or what he/she should say rather than digging in, looking at their own S#$% and working as a team to solve the problem.  Defensive people feel more comfortable with a win — not a compromise.

But if we want to (and not everybody does), how do we really, truly love proactively and offensively?  How do we find love without walls, fear or judgement? And why is it so hard?

I leave this open for future debate.  Sometimes, it’s just enough to see and think about it.  Change will come when we really look at our behavior and are open to making a change.  Just don’t put it off until tomorrow.

Let’s enjoy the beautiful weather!

I’m Italian.  I’m superstitious.  They go hand-in-hand, don’t they?  Does being a bit Jewish make a difference too?

I’m a wood knocker.  Not just your average piece of wood and not one just in front of me.  No, that’s too easy.  If I’m out on a run, for example, and I think of something terrible or think of something good that I don’t want to change, I will run to the nearest tree and knock on it.  I try to avoid people seeing me but I can’t always be sure. I’m sure I look weird knocking on a tree in running clothes.

My mom used to tell me that it was “normal” to be so superstitious.  Maybe because her family was so wacky that way that it just seemed “normal.”  (like pinching heinies (butts) by the grandmas of the house to the grandkids of the house.  Don’t get me started on this one).  Having certain foods at funerals. Or, saying something in Italian  (with hand gestures) if someone said something bad.  I could go on and on.

I do know that I am not the only one who knocks on wood.  Many people will do similar things to avoid jinxing themselves if they comment or think about something good or bad and want to avoid making the “thing” coming true.  Athletes are notorious for being superstitious.  Like not shaving a beard or always wearing the same shirt under a uniform (to my boys — don’t even think of it!).

Athletes do not have a monopoly on superstitious behavior.  Most of us have at least one superstition.  I have to eat a banana before a marathon.  I need my shoes tied just right before a race.

I know generally that stress makes people more superstitious.  How  (not) surprising!  Clearly, we want to find reasons for the things that happen to us.  The less control we feel we have over our lives, the more likely we are to try to gain control through the mental gymnastics of superstitions.

Sometimes we’re smart like Calvin’s mom.  Sometimes not.  I won’t wage an opinion on this particular “idea.”  Being a parent of an adolescent is legendary for its difficulty.  Here Calvin’s mom played his game and won.  She was taking care of herself and Calvin by teaching him a lesson. As we know, that’s not always easy (or safe) to do!

Teenage boys and girls can be difficult and different.  Parenting a teen girl is about emotions.  Mine is the first-born so she’s a bit more compliant and helpful.  She doesn’t egg on her brothers the way they do to her.  She pushes away but gently (I pushed away like a Mack truck, but that’s another story!)

The boys, however are pushing away in an entirely different way from her.   Boys tend to brood more and talk less.  Sure, we see this in girls, but in a much more emotional way.  Boys can also be a bit darker as they move through this period.

With both I have to give clear and reasonable guidelines but with the boys I have to be careful not to over analyze their emotions and states of mind.  With boys, in particular, I can’t check their “temperature” too often or they will shut down.  Hmmm, as I write this I note that this is the same with grown men (sorry, guys!).

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed: most teenage boys don’t like engaging in long, philosophical conversations with their moms (although mine have been known to blow me out of the water with incredibly deep and meaningful discussions).  I’ve grown to understand that I should be satisfied with short answers and find other ways to obtain the information I’m looking for.  Gosh, again sounds like grown men?  Maybe, I’m missing something here????

The work of parenting is difficult, draining and time-consuming.  I’ve done a lot of dumb things as a parent.  I was telling someone that I got so frustrated the other day, with one of the boys, that I took my fist and smashed M & M’s that were on the kitchen table.  So adult-like of me!

What’s the lesson here?  Smart parents not only recognize that kids need to make a few mistakes, but they also learn to take care of themselves.  They take time away to rejuvenate – whether on a vacation or reading a book or a trip ALONE to Target (which usually does it for me!).

I actually enjoy this teenage time with my children.  I can really experience their moral compass now and I’m thankful for what I see.  Yet, I’ve also got to remember to be smarter, let them make a few mistakes and, at the same time, I need to take care of me.  Obviously, the goal is to not feel like smashing candy on the kitchen table (which, as you can imagine simply resulted in more for me to clean up!).  🙂

I’m heading out for a long run to keep me smart today.

Have a great day!

Why do we hate change so much?  This is one of the oldest questions in the relationship/life book.  I think we hate change because it requires us to rethink who we are and where we’ve been.  We have to regroup and alter our way of thinking about ourselves and others.

Yet, as we know, change is necessary if we want to continue to improve and grow.  Change also requires a certain amount of faith (not necessarily religious faith).  Faith that you can and will adapt to something new or different.

I had quite a bit of change this week.  And, by last night, I was a bit overwhelmed.  Yet, as if the week wasn’t enough, more was piled on by day’s end.  So, last night I started to think about why all the changes and why all of a sudden.  I forced myself to take out the “why me” and look instead at the bigger picture.

I also started to do some reading on this subject (as you might expect) and found 4 basic reasons why change is difficult:

It’s scary –One of life’s greatest fears is the unknown. It causes us to resist those things for which we cannot easily discern an outcome.

It’s challenging – Change stretches us out of our comfort zone.  Some of us like to be stretched more than other people do.

It’s uncertain – When we change, we are often introducing untested waters.  We prefer certainty.

It’s unpopular – The resistance to change is universal.

When change has occurred in my life, in the past, I’ve tried to sit back and say “this is happening for a reason and everything will be ok.”  This is easy to say but more difficult to actually accomplish.  Asking positive question rather than focusing on the “why me” has helped me through these periods.

I have decided that today I am going to welcome all the changes that happened this past week.  I am starting my week anew today.  I’m going to look for the next silver lining for me and for those around me who are also experiencing changes.

Frankly, we have two choices in life: Accept what is happening (and try not to control the change) or just become a puddle on the floor.  I’ve got enough water in my yard, so I’m going to try the former!

Have a great day!

Yesterday was a day full of cranky people. At first I wondered if it was me.  Was I cranky?  Was I making people cranky?  Was it the weather?  I never figured it out:

For example:

In the morning I watched as a woman rudely talked to a barista at Caribou who had made a mistake on a cup of coffee.  A small mistake!

I heard a guest at Target hammer a clerk because he couldn’t find the “stuff” that was on sale but the guest couldn’t recall the “stuff.”  Really?

A few of my kids were cranky about almost nothing.

They guy at the soup place (where I got lunch) never smiled once.  Not once!

I was flipped off by a guy who was pissed that I was going the speed limit (I have a few tickets so I have to go the speed limit!).

Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe some people are just naturally cranky.  Of course, it’s not hard to spot these people.  They’re always paying attention to what they want and are often accusing the people around them of “causing” their bad mood.   Could we liken them to black holes? Suddenly coming out of nowhere and sucking the life out of anyone around them? Sounds so exotic!

I hope none of you run into cranky people today.  But if you do, just ignore them. It’s great if you can be emphatic but better to just ignore them.  Don’t do as I did, which was to confront the nasty person at Target.  I tried to be nice and to offer some help.  I also suggested that he could lower his voice because it sounded like he was yelling at the poor  (and young) Target employee.  This did not help the situation and I found myself being yelled at by a guy twice my size in the vitamin aisle and getting a stare down from him in the check out line.  I think he needed a prescription of “something.”  Oh well.  I knew better.

So, I am going to make this short and sweet.  Be happy today.  The weather will change and we will all be feeling better soon.  If you feel cranky, try my “when-I-am-cranky list.”  Go for a run, a swim, lift a few weights, have a cup of java with a friend, or find a good book.  The feeling will pass and you’ll feel better for staying calm.

Have a great day!