I have never liked the question “why.” For example, when the kids were young I got a million “why” questions: “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do the clock hands turn?” “Why does a pizza get to the house faster than an ambulance?” “Why do your XXX hang down?” (it was at that point that they were banned from the bathroom!) While there are “answers” to these questions, they were never satisfied with the answer and kept asking and asking (aging me rapidly!).
As they’ve gotten older I get, “Why should I do the laundry?” “Why can’t I stay up until I decide to go to sleep?” “Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?” Look, is there really an answer to the laundry question other than because I asked you too?
Adults ask why questions too. They are usually in a different form and often directed at our lives: “Why is my boss a jerk?” “Why did this friend get mad at me?” or “Why is ______ happening to me/my family?” As I’ve gotten old(er), I notice that “why” seems judgmental – mostly about myself and never really gives me an answer I can do anything with.
Have you ever noticed that when you ask yourself a “why” question (internally) you don’t get an answer, you just feel more frustrated. For example, “why am I stuck in this rut of a relationship/friendship/etc?” Sounds deflating. Try this, “What can I do about this relationship/friendship to make it better or find another one?” It takes the focus off the circular and puts you an a path of doing. “Why” stops what you are doing. “What” or “How” moves you forward.
My father, a true scientist, likely uses “Why?” a lot. Maybe it even helps in therapy! However, in our personal lives it really doesn’t compel us to move in a forward direction. When you get in the “why is this happening …. ” rut, try:
*What can I do to change this?
* What do I want to do now?
* What do I really want from this situation?
* How can I do this differently next time?
Ultimately, a question that begins with the “why” is asking for your opinion. One that starts with “what” or “how” is asking for directions on how to do something. While your opinion is something that requires thought and the ability to form an opinion from the facts, a “what” question looks for a step-by-step solution to the situation.
So today, instead of asking myself “Why am I so blasted busy with stuff for the kids?” I am going to ask myself, “How can I get all this stuff done, stay happy and still watch my football game tonight?” The answer? It starts with my morning run with friends and a nice cup of coffee! See … I’ve got a direction!
Have a great day!
theyearof50 