theyearof50

Today, as we all know, is Father’s Day.  There is something incredibly special about fathers.  They have a way of relating to their kids without the (sometimes) hysteria of moms.   They can be calming and affirming in a “guy” sort of way.  My kids’ father is one of those guys.  While we didn’t have what it took to be married, I can honestly say that I got a great father for my kids.

My father and I weren’t particularly close for most of my life.  My parents were divorced when I was young and we moved north when I was a teen.  When my mom died, my father came to her memorial service.  While I didn’t see him there, he told me afterwards how amazing he thought my eulogy was, in front of 600+ people.  I was shocked.  Not that he had never complemented me but he really never complemented me.  From that tragic death, came the silver lining and our relationship began to change.

Last year, I decided to stop one of my volunteer activities and spend more time with my dad.  The first time we met for coffee he asked what the “occasion” was – did I need money?  Yup, this was going to be an interesting process.  Somehow, through our various life issues, we began to both share and open up more.  I am so thankful for this time with him – regardless of how long it lasts.  It’s been my complete and total pleasure to get to know him.

So, although this is a bit of a Hallmark holiday, it’s a perfect day to celebrate anyone who has played a father-type role in our lives or the lives of our children.   Nothing can substitute for the love and support of a parent in a child’s life.  In my world, there is no success I care more about than my role as a parent.  I know that there are fantastic male figures in my children’s lives.  And for that, I am incredibly thankful.

To my colleague: I am sorry about your news.  You are an incredible person and father.  All will be ok.  You, your children, your wife and all who love you will be better and stronger for the experience you are about to embark on.  Peace, health and strength.

Have a wonderfully special day!

Arrogance says, “I deserve a better (partner, job, life).”
Humility says, “The (partner, job, life) I have is a gift.”

Friends, I know something odd is going on in my world when my downward facing dogs result in my sniffing my yoga mat.  Clearly, I’m not focused.  Yes, I’m sure there are some psychological issues that you can glean from my sniffing but let’s leave that alone for now.

I usually don’t even think of sniffing anything in yoga.  In fact, the opposite is true, the body smells in that room can be so bad, that I wish I wasn’t breathing let alone smelling.  Yet, yesterday was different.  And, it happened right away as I moved from upward facing dog to downward facing dog.

At first, I wasn’t sure what that smell was.  I looked around to see if someone was eating (reminiscent of the woman at the CLE last week!).  Nope. Then, I wondered if one of my kids had been using my mat.  But there was no mistaking it … my yoga mat smelled like a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

I know you’re all interested in analyzing this so let me do it for you.  I think that this is a freudian sort of thing … where that which I’ve restricted in my life, is coming alive in yoga!  What a perfect place for even more mind wandering!

This made me think — how many things do I crave that I don’t allow myself to enjoy?

1. French Fries.  While I am not a fried food lover, I am a ketchup lover (must be the sugar) and there is nothing better than some crunchy fries slathered with ketchup.  I have not smelled fries at yoga.

2. Red meat.  I used to be a carnivore.  Then I became a vegetarian.  Now I’m AC DC but still no red meat or pork.  But those grilled steaks smell good! I wonder if the guy next to me tomorrow will smell like beef?

3. State Fair Foot Long.  Here’s a true story: when I was young(er), the only thing I wanted at the Fair was a foot long.  The kind with the crunchy ends, filled with ketchup, mustard and sauerkraut.  I wasn’t dating back then (for obvious reasons – read: eating habits) and, as a result, could eat a whole one all by myself.  Seriously, in a hot yoga class everyone smells like sauerkraut!

4. More than one glass of wine. Please friends, can one of you pick me up, take me out, let me drink two glasses and then drive me home – without passing judgment on how intoxicated I might be after the first 1/2 a glass?  Can I drink wine after yoga like we have beer after a race?

5. Krispy Kreme Doughnut.  Yet another reason for therapy.

I hope you have a wonderful start to the weekend!  I’m off to have coffee and maybe a doughnut!

Have you ever been stuck?  I mean really stuck.  The kind where you don’t know you’re stuck until you’re out?  Of course, we all get stuck at some point or another and it’s easy to do.  Staying in an unhealthy relationship,  a bad job, not staying in shape, etc. … even small things, like our habits of the day — these are all signs of us getting stuck.  When we get stuck we feel paralyzed about a decision and unsure what choice to make.  When we’re stuck, things feel immovable, entrenched, even hopeless. The good news is, they aren’t.

We are our own change agents.  We humans are extremely adept at getting unstuck, at seeing the same thing in new ways, discovering new insights and changing our attitudes.  But we need some tools to create that movement.  We need to shed the fear that comes with change and getting unstuck. 

Recently I got unstuck from something.  I’d wanted the change for a long time, and had seen glimpses of myself in the unstuck state,  but those visions didn’t last long.  Why? Because I was filled with fear of change and I didn’t understand that I had a choice about being unstuck.  Haven’t I seen the Wizard of Oz a thousand times — I had the ruby red slippers!

So, if you ever feel like you’re banging your head against a wall or just unhappy with what’s happening in your life or who you’re with … don’t just surrender and settle.  Don’t think that it’s normal.  Visualize what the change will look like and make a decision to get there.

We have the power to change anything in our lives – really.  But it takes confidence, the love and support of those around you (you can always count on me!!) and the knowledge that it’s your choice.  I strongly believe that the universe (or however you want to describe it) can’t give you what you really need unless you open yourself up to it.

We are here to live our best life.  And, in order to do that, we need to get unstuck, move away from the negative and live for the collective good.  Then, just keep your eyes open.  The rest will be laid right in front of you!

Have a fantastic day!

The hardest thing in life is to admit defeat but it is also the most noble thing to do. 

We are, all of us, stories.  The stories we tell about ourselves.  One story I tell about myself is that I should never admit defeat.  That any problem can be solved.  Any issue can have a good outcome.  But that’s just a story because sometimes defeat is inevitable.

In life,  from every defeat, we can learn more about our own truth and why a particular situation, what ever it is, didn’t work.

Once we admit defeat, we can resolve to start admitting what we really feel about people in our lives—not just parroting some greeting card version of our relationships.

We can start admitting what we really feel about ourselves —even the negative things— so that we can identify the areas of strength and can build on, and other areas we genuinely need to change.

Resolve to start saying more about what you really believe—spiritually and politically and ethically and morally—because to the extent that you declare your truth, you start living with honesty and conviction.

This journey toward one’s own truth isn’t easy.  But it is the most important journey you can take in your life. Because being absent from your own existence short circuits everything else. You can’t resolve to do anything, and mean it, if you are not clear on your self.

That’s all.  Today, be honest about your self, where you are, who you are with and where you are going.  I promise, great things will happen!

I don’t like credit cards.  I have two.  One is a Macy’s card.  Recently, Macy’s sent me a new card.  I have no idea why but it came with a “Welcome to Macy’s” note and a coupon or two.

The first time I tried to use it I was in a hurry. The sales person said that I needed to call the main credit card number in order to get authorization to use the card.  What? Authorization for a card I’ve been using for years?  I declined, used my other credit card and was on my way.

The second time I tried to use it I was with my daughter.  We waited almost 20 minutes, through various phone calls with the “credit card authorization” people before I finally got frustrated, paid with cash and left.

The third time I tried to use it was yesterday.  I was not in a hurry and was going to get to the bottom of this issue.  I tell the sales person that once she swipes my card it will come up “Check Authorization. ” She swipes my card and up comes the message.  I give her my driver’s license, I know the drill, she calls and hands me the phone.

The woman on the other end tells me how sorry she is that my shopping has been disrupted but she’s got a few questions for me in order to verify that I am really Jessica Roe.  First question:  “Where did I live in 1985?”  Huh?  I don’t even remember 1985 and there’s no freaking way I recall the street name.  I was in college and moving around like crazy.  She suggests a neighborhood that sounds remotely familiar but I tell her to move on to some other question.

Second question:  “Do I know Bea Dulop?”  I look around.  Is this a joke?  What the h#@%?  I don’t know anyone named Bea except Aunt Bea on the Andy Griffith show.  I say that, but she’s not entertained.  I’m getting pissed.

Third question: “Where was I born.”  Easy!  I tell her a hospital.  Nope.  Wrong.  She wants the city.

Final question: “How long was I married.”  I’m stunned. I ask how she knows that I’m divorced.  No answer.  I ask her if she wants the date we started marriage therapy, the date he moved out, the first day I felt divorced or the date it was  actually final.  She tells me that’s enough, I’ve passed and can now use my card.

Is this some kind of new, bizarre process for shopping at Macy’s?  I’m now afraid to use the card in case it’s flagged again and I have to answer a question like, “Where do you buy your underwear.”  The answer’s probably “Macy’s.”  I’m going to say Walgreen’s.  That’ll get me passing with flying colors!

Have a great start to the week!

Before the kids joined us at this fantastic event (BTW – we’ve got amazing art in the Twin Cities!), we attended the launch party for Northern Spark.  An exciting and eclectic art crawl which was held in St. Paul last night.  The launch party was in a tent, with beverages and food.  It’s the kind of thing where you might get introduced to someone you don’t know and you get the pleasure of striking up a conversation with a total stranger.  Just my cup of tea!

One woman I was introduced to started talking about her days of selling real estate.  It sounded like the “past” so I assumed she was retired.  She asked about my (oh-so-boring) career and I asked her what was on her plate at this point in her life.  She told me that she was a life coach.

Now, there are many definitions for “life coach,” and I didn’t so much care about what kind she was, I just wanted to know what that meant in terms of her philosophy on life.  Her face lit up with that question and she proceeded to tell me that her whole focus in life and in coaching, for more than 20 years (see, makes sense that I might think retirement!), is two words:

Acceptance and Acceptance.

Here’s my take on her philosophy: there are only two things you really need to do in life.  Two things that lead to everything else.  The first is acceptance of yourself.  You have to accept who you are, where you are and accept where you are going.  Yes, you can and should have goals.  A process or plan for changing that which you don’t like about your life.  But, you must have acceptance of yourself first to really make changes.

Second, you have to accept others.  You have to accept and love their flaws, their differences and their effect on you and your life.   You have to accept why they are in your world and why the leave.  You have to understand that our differences are also our similarities (getting pretty deep for my first 1/2 glass of wine!).

Many of my blogs have been on this topic and it was a good reminder to me that life is fairly straight forward.  Work can be complicated, managing our children  (and setting them free) can be complicated and even our love relationships can be complicated.  But if we focus on these two words – Acceptance and Acceptance – it’s really not all that complicated.

Food for thought as you spend another rainy day in paradise!

Enjoy your Sunday!

By the time you read this I will have started or finished a 10 mile race.  My kids used to ask me if I was going to win.  They’ve (for obvious reasons) stopped asking me such questions.  But, I must say that one good thing about getting old(er) (other than a membership to AARP) is moving up in age groups in these races.  In my last race I was in the 50-54 category and I finished the 9 miles at 18th of 78.  Clearly, the only way I will ever win a race will be by age, not speed.  I did one time win a 2 mile open swim, but I was the only crazy in my age category!

Here’s the thing about me and races:  I hate them.  I love the training, the social aspect but I hate the race.  I don’t like the stress and pressure nor am I competitive (in sports, of course!).

My running career started rather slowly and painfully.  My first efforts, in my 30’s, was to run a block, walk a block, run a block, walk a block.  I eventually got to 3 – 4 miles at a crack and that was it.  Then, my ex and I separated and I started kick boxing and running.  My law partners at the time invited me to join them for 5 miles and I thought I would throw up afterwards.  As you might expect, they eventually talked me into my first marathon at 40 and off I went.

Now, here I am at 50, finished (I think!) with marathons, doing triathlons (not quickly) and running whenever my body will allow it. This morning, I’m off with my running group for a 10 mile race.  I try to soften my potential bad performance each time, by saying to my group, “Oh, I’m so tired today,” just so no one expects much from me.

I work out to relieve stress.  Don’t we all?  My kids will often say, on a day when I am particularly cranky, “Did you run today?”  Or, “Why don’t you go to the club?”  Even they get it!  It’s my therapy, without paying for a therapist (thanks to my running partners!).

I’m thinking that by the time I hit 70, I’m going to be the only one doing this stupid stuff and then maybe my kids’ dream will come true and I’ll win a race – a race with walkers!   Until then, there’ll be no win but a smile and a “thank goodness that’s over,” from me once I’m done.

Have a great Saturday – and pray for SUN!

When I started to write this post, I thought that nothing had happened yesterday.  I searched my menopausal brain for the elements of my day and nothing came up.  What had happened?  Where was I?  Did I even participate in yesterday?

As I looked back I realized that I rushed through yesterday.  In fact, I rushed through the last few days.  How is it that I can do so much but it seems like it’s just doing?

I’m not sure it it’s a good thing – this invention of the clock.  We (me) are always running against it.  It’s almost a professional skill to multi-task, to be amazingly efficient.  But is it our best and highest use of our time?  Does it result in us thinking that “nothing happened yesterday?”

Think about it.  How much more enjoyable would the drive to work be every morning if you weren’t in a rush?  How much more fun would it be to clean that closet or finish off that project you’ve been working on if you weren’t so pressed on time?

Yesterday was a constant rush.  Yes, I bought a homeless man a cup of coffee and a donut he wanted at a bakery.  Sure, I gave a hug to a woman I had just met, who bared her soul to me.  And, I had a glass of wine with one of my favorite people.  But the rest, was blur.  Here’s what I’m missing:

Time is more precious than all the money in the world.

We all have only 24 hours in a day and we need to find the quiet time for us in that time frame.  Since beginning the blog, I get up an hour earlier to write.  No one is up and it is me, a computer and my breakfast.   It’s amazing.  Try it!

I’ve also stopped speeding in my car (ok, too many tickets, but I did stop speeding!).  It really has changed my experiences in the car, whether alone or with the kids.  And, although I am the master multi-tasker, lately I’ve tried to learn to focus on one thing/person at a time.  I think this has improved the quality of my work and my relationships.

So, lots happened yesterday.  And, if I had slowed down, maybe more would have occurred. Life is much more pleasant when you take the time to appreciate each and every moment of it.  This is not the 100 meter dash.  It’s a marathon.  I, for one, have to pace myself, breathe, focus, have patience and enjoy the scenery.  There’s a long way to go and I don’t want to run out of gas midstream.

Enjoy your Friday!