theyearof50

This is odd coming from an attorney, but if there’s anything I hate in my personal life is if someone is mad at me.  And, sometimes, because it bothers me so much, I do things I shouldn’t do and I make the situation worse.  I’ve been working on this “flaw” of mine and here are my personal tips for you to avoid my missteps (read – stupid behaviors):

1. Keep Pushing For Resolution

Sometimes I just can’t let go.  I want an answer as to why the person is angry or something is not working.  I want that explanation!  The problem is, this almost always backfires on me (and visa versa).  This makes the other person more angry than they were before.

2. Trying to Make it Better

This is when we (read “me”) go to far in trying to get the other person to stop being made.  This comes from our (yes again, read “my”) insecurities of wanting to be liked.   This comes off as insincere and also makes matters worse.

3. Beating Ourselves Up

I’ve got my own boxing gloves and do a pretty good job at this one.  Why not just say we are sorry and then move on.  Why keep beating ourselves up about the words and actions.  It never helps.  Sorry, learn from it and move on — end of story!

4. Getting Defensive

Never, ever, ever works.  Never.  It causes you to stop listening and them to get more angry and hurt.

What to Do?

There is nothing like a sincere apology. This is hard to do when we really don’t think we are wrong.  But the truth is, when we dig deep, we can see our mistakes.  They are just hard to admit.

Also, true compassion and understanding about someones frustration with us, will go a long way to resolving the situation.  We don’t have to always agree with the reason someone is angry with us, but to them, their anger is valid.

This in no way means you should accept abusive anger – walk away from that.  But, it does mean that there is some validity to frustration and anger and we can learn from stepping outside ourselves and exploring those reasons.

The truth is, it is hard to stay angry at a sincere and understanding person — so be that person today.

Have a great one!

I am experiencing Groundhog’s Day at my house right now.  Thankfully, I am not Jim Carrey.

Yesterday was the same as the day before and the same as the day before ….

1. Woke up at 2:14, 3:45 and then finally got out of bed at 4:45 (night sweats … welcome to the change!).
2. Ate breakfast at 5:15 (which means lunch will be at 9:45 a.m.). No electricity.
3. Went to yoga at 6:00 (already started and hotter than h***).
4. Left yoga and had to shower at the club (no electricity – did I say that already?)
5. Went home, sat down and wanted to go to sleep.   It’s only 7:30 a.m.  It’s going to be a long day.
6. Get to work at 8:45.  This is the first time I have been south of 9:00 a.m. in a long time!
7. Boys texting me, asking about things that are not urgent, like where are the stamps?  Where’s my t-shirt?  Where’s a flashlight? Where’s my brain?  (Oh, wait.  They didn’t ask the latter question.)
8. Two conference calls and a meeting, all before 10:30.
9. I’m hungry for lunch – it’s 10:45.
10. Meetings at 12, 12:30, 1 and 2.  Seriously?
11. Leave work at 5:15.  Still no power.  I realize, once I am stuck in rush hour traffic, that I need to use the restroom.  Sheeze.
12. Get home and get a call from my daughter’s best friend (remember, my daughter is out-of-town).  She’s locked out of her house and her parents are out-of-town. She has no electricity. I get her and she agrees to tag along on some errands.
13. After 5 errands, a baseball game and gas, we return home at 8:45 p.m.  Still no electricity.
14. I finally admit to myself that I’ve got to empty the fridge and freezer.  I eat three ice cream sandwiches because I can’t stand to throw them out! I am heart-broken as I throw away my favorite refrigerated peanut butter.
15. I pick up dinner number 2 for my boys at 9:15 p.m. – Chinese food.
16. They eat, I work (with flashlights) and we all go to be by 10:15.
17. This morning: 5:30 run with friends … and it starts all over again.  Still no electricity.

Anyone want to take me out for dinner … or maybe just alcohol!!

Have a great day!

A friend was talking to me yesterday about being an idealist. I took offense for a moment and then I decided to look up the word.  An idealist is someone who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals – someone who believes that anything is possible.

I think he could be right – I am an idealist.  I write a lot about personal choice, love, happiness — that anything is possible if we want it.  But the truth is that sometimes I forget that there will be times when life is difficult and we just can’t be happy all the time.  So, how do we stay idealistic during those times?

It’s kind of hard to feel super happy these days.  We have rain, rain, rain, no electricity, gray skies, etc., etc.  But, much as I’d like to wallow in my frustration, I know that it’s really my attitude about the whole thing, that matters.

Last night I went to a few gatherings.  I saw lots of pictures of kids, grandkids and hear about everyone’s new adventures.  People seemed happy.  That’s the fun thing about a party.

This is not always the case.  We often let outer events influence our moods and then we become slaves to those feelings and then lose our choice, our freedom about being happy.

I’ve talked a lot about choosing happiness but it is easier said than done.  Happiness is by definition, a feeling of inner peace and satisfaction.  It usually occurs when there are no worries, fears or obsessive thoughts.  Seriously, that almost never happens for me!!!  Worry is my first name!  However, in keeping with do as I say, not as I do (smile), there are things that I talk with my kids about how to at least make it easier for us all to choose happiness.

In talking with my kids awhile back, I told them we need to make happiness a habit (this is where they rolled their eyes at me!).  I suggested that we need to make it easier to choose happiness (here’s where they tried to walk away!).  Fortunately, I was buying dinner so they were forced to stay and listen to my ideas:

1. Think about solutions, not problems.  The problem won’t help but the solution will.

2. Look at someone’s negative comments as really wanting to say something better, but they just need help.  And, don’t let negative comments become your reality.

3. Pay attention to your thoughts, your tapes.  They will drive you in a direction you don’t want to go.

4. Don’t wish you had done X, Y, Z.  Look at what you have done already!

5. Do one nice thing for yourself every day.

6. Do one nice thing for someone else each day.

7. Expect happiness.

8. Smile more.  This is a no brainer.

9. Associate with happy people.  Happiness is contagious.  Be the one who people want to associate with!

10.  Anyone can be cool and anyone can be sullen.  But being awesome and happy is a whole other level. And, while it takes practice, it’s totally worth it!

Today, I’m just going to love the gray day and my sump pump going off every 32 seconds! Stay dry and find some happiness today!

Yesterday was the longest day of the year.  That’s not that there’s more hours in the day (although I shoved more into the day than I normally do – which is a feat in and of itself).  No, it’s just more hours of daylight to play with.

Last year, at this time, when we had nice sunlight months before the summer solstice, I read a list of things to do to change the yuck factor in our lives (we all have some of that!).  Here’s the list with my commentary (of course):

Yeerrrrrr outta here!: What’s not working for you?  What is unsatisfying?  Is it work, your relationships, your health, weight, your schedule?  Just name it and list it.  You’ve got to start somewhere.

Look in the mirror: Now that you’ve labeled it, what are you going to do?  The first thing is to look in the mirror.  It’s easy to blame someone else for our anger, bad job or relationship.  But, we are not always the victim.  More often than not, we need to own the behavior as ours and take action.  We control our behaviors.

Look Back: Control will take place once you know where the issues come from.  Often people say, “Why bother.  This is the way I am.”  Why?  Because you need to understand the where your limiting beliefs and patterns come in order to but some distance between you and the beliefs.

What do you want?: What do you want? What do you want in your life? What does your life look like in 6 months, a year, 5 years?   Think about your children.  When you ask that question, they’ve got it all planned out …  “I want to be a singer, a dancer an engineer …”   As we get older, we need to keep asking ourselves the question and not let ourselves get so busy battling life that we forget to life it!

Energy follows focus!

Intention: When we focus on what we want, then everything we do must align with that decision. We must set our intention and commit to that path, allowing change to come into our plan, if necessary.

Support: Fill you life with people who support you.  Not those who feel negatively about who you are and how you live.  Create and enjoy the wonders of a great support system.

So, enjoy these long days!  They’re an opportunity to look internally and decide what needs to be tossed and what can be kept!

Stay dry and have a great day!

Yesterday I decided to meet my friends for a run at their early morning time – 5:30 AM.  What the h*** was I thinking.  Since I’m the kind of person who needs to eat before a run, I had to get up at 4:45.  This was a seriously crazy decision.

As you would expect, if you’ve read any of my blogs, I had to go to the bathroom 1/2 way through the 6 mile run.  So, my friends graciously stop at a porta potty and start walking.  I step in, knowing that the oh-so-particular smell will come over me and I’ll have to stop breathing for a period of time.

However, I immediately notice that there’s no smell.  In fact, I realize that I’m the  first person to go to the bathroom in this porta potty (don’t ask me how I knew!).  I was also the first person to take the wrapping off the toilet paper.  How cool is that?!  I finished up by telling my friends how fantastic the potty was!!!  They murmur their support but I realize that I’ve likely hit an all time low when the porta potty excites me.

At home, the boys seemed in a decent mood (always better with food in front of them) and, I head out for the first of many meetings.

The rest seemed to go rather smoothly:  two complements on my dress, someone asked me where I get my hair cut, someone at the gas station paid $5.00 of my gas (so nice!), I got a new client and someone bought me a sangria at the end of the evening and I drank the entire thing!

When I got home, I got to thinking, we all have good days and bad days.  And, sometimes we just think that there’s a sign about how our day will go (fitting that for me, that sign was a potty) or that the day will just “happen” due to events beyond our control.  Yet, the truth is, we have significant power to create good day or not-so-good day.

Honestly, as simple as it sounds, I think gratitude results in good days for me.  Even though I’m having teenage boy issues here at home, if I remind myself how lucky I am that they are who they are and how grateful I should be about what I have, my day feels better.  When I play those negative tapes (of which I have many!) my day does not feel as good.

I suppose this is Psychology 101 … but I must have needed a reminder that whether or not the porta potty smells or is clean, it will not effect my day (although, it does help!).

It’s a choice – we make our day good or not good.  And, even more importantly, our attitude can make the day of those around us!

So, today, let’s make it a great day, help someone and have a fantastic start to the weekend!

I’ve had a lot of “coffee” dates lately.  New friends.  Old (familiar!) friends and clients.  And, I think I am hitting the end of my useful shelf-life on coffee right now.  As a result, I’ve switched to iced tea.  However, even that’s getting a bit long in the tooth.  So, for those of you who are reading this blog who are likely to spend time with me on a coffee “date”  in the near term, here are some other ideas I have for spending time together:

1. Walk around the lake:  There’s nothing more intimate (or relaxing) than a walk around the lake on a warm summer evening – I’ll even go when the sun rises!

2. Walk around Target:  There’s nothing more intimate (or relaxing) than walking through Target getting toothpaste, paper towels and that really thick red licorice.

3. Bike ride:  I am a fearful rider, but I can talk, ride and drink my water bottle at the same time.  I gotta believe that’s the entire package.

4. Mani/Pedi:  Since this  list is for my women friends as well as my guy friends, I can only imagine that the latter would not find this interesting.  That’s fine.  I’ll give this one up for you guys, unless you are one of those cool, enlightened ones.  If so, let’s go!

5. Alcohol:  No explanation necessary.

6. Twins game (with a beer):  Given their stats, the beer is mandatory.  See 5 above.

7.   Old Country Buffet:  I’ve not been there since I was pregnant with the boys.  I could use some nostalgia (and some high fat/high sodium food).  I’m sure the people watching is just as interesting now as it was then.

8. Brookstone:  You’ve got to admit that this store has some cool stuff!

9. Bookstores:  Remember my failed attempt at opening a bookstore?  I love books!  Even though you can’t chat loudly, I love looking. You’ll find me in the cooking, sports and travel sections (plus, I like the magazines too!).

10. Movies:  Actually, I really go for the popcorn and the opportunity to turn my phone off for more than an hour.  I love those art flicks!

It summer (finally) and I’m up for anything!  Any takers on a spa weekend???

Have a great Thursday!

Dear Love (my daughter):

So, in order to survive my plane ride home, (my daughter is at a rowing camp in Connecticut), I did what any new-age mom does for mind-candy, I got on the internet.  And, as I was searching for something, up came a list of popular searches.  One of them was “How to keep him interested.”  Really?  It’s 2013 – we need articles like that?  We have Oprah now!  I pulled up the list and started to check it out.

After I got over my shock, I got a bit upset.  Love, it is not, nor will it ever be your job to “keep him interested.”  All you need to do is be your loving self.  Know your own soul.  That place that isn’t affected by rejection, loss and a fragile ego.  Boys, this holds true for you too.

Remember, you are worthy of interest.  If you can also remember that everyone else is worthy of interest, your life struggles will be greatly lessened.   

The person of your dreams should not need to be kept interested.  He will know you are interesting – Be Yourself!  It doesn’t matter if he has a few difficult habits (we all do!).  As long as his eyes are on you and the focus is on your soul – then nothing else matters.

It really doesn’t matter the amount of money he makes. What matters is that he follows his heart and does good things in the world and all that he does leads back to you.

It doesn’t matter what kind of car he drives, the clothes he wears or the schools he attended.  What matters is he wants to learn about the world, his life and he understands that you bring color to his world.

Nor do I care about the color of his skin or the way he votes (kind of don’t care about how he votes!).  As long as he wakes up next to you and places you in his heart and mind each day.  As long as he protects your vulnerabilities and tenderness.  I know you will do the same for him.

I guess it’s never to early to send this message to our future young adults: stay true to yourself, be with those who will love and protect you and don’t worry so much about outward appearances.

So, love — have a great couple of weeks.  Soak it all in and enjoy this exciting new privilege and adventure.  I’ll look forward to catching up with you each day!

I love you.  Mom

P.S.  I guess this blog is for all of us.  The right people in our lives, whether partners or friends, will remain interested as long as we are true to ourselves.

Have a great day!

I’m in Connecticut, dropping my daughter at camp (tomorrow’s blog will be filled with tears, I’m sure) and I was doing some laundry in a fairly sketchy neighborhood.  While I was waiting for the washer, I decided to walk next door to a CVS.

Contrary to the dirty and somewhat unsafe neighborhood outside, the store was beautifully clean and well-lit.  I felt like I was in heaven!  I walked around, picked up a few things and went to the register.

There, at the checkout, was a guy, a customer, who was less than 5 feet tall.  He clearly had not showered that day, nor maybe for weeks!  His clothes were dirty and he was missing a number of teeth (I didn’t want to start counting them but I think there were at least three missing in front!)

As my things were rung up, the cashier asked me if I had a CVS card (answer – no).  The customer asked me if I wanted to use his points card to get a discount and then asked if I just wanted to use his points.  He called me “Lady.” I haven’t been called Lady in a long time!

I ended up saving $5.  As we were walking out together he started telling me about his life.  No parents, no siblings, lived above the laundry mat.  His wife divorced him because he couldn’t hold a job and now he cleans the washers and dryers at the laundry mat.  He told me he shops at CVS every day.

We parted ways and I thanked him again.  He went into his apartment and I was headed to put the clothes in the dryer.  Then I stopped, ran back to CVS and asked the cashier about this guy.  They told me that he is a great guy.  Broke, would help anyone he could and that he comes in every day to buy a few things to eat.

I pulled out my credit card and bought a gift certificate in his name.  I asked the cashier if he would give it to him tomorrow.  (I’m counting on his honesty too).  He said of course and suggested that it was the nicest thing he’s seen in a long time.  Clearly, he’s not living in Minnesota where nice is our middle name!!!

Please, let me say this – I don’t have a lot of money.  I’m a working single mom, trying to keep it together and do the best for my kids.  And, this isn’t about money.  This was about helping … that’s all … helping.

As I sit here now and write this blog, I realize that there are so many people I will meet in my life time that I’ll only meet once.  I will only have one opportunity to make a difference.  That was yesterday.  It’s a sad but important realization about life.  Take advantage of it.

Have a wonderful day and, if you can, make a difference with a chance encounter.

We spend a lot of time and energy looking over the fence to find a way to get to the other side.  You know the side – where the grass is greener, where there’s more money, completely happy people with great jobs and relationships and no weeds.  This “looking”  begins when we are young … always talking about, “when I ….. (graduate, get married, lose weight, get a job) my life will be perfect.”  But the truth is, there’s always something else that we “want” and we never really get there.

The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that when we get “there” everything will be better.  The truth is we never get “there” because we are always right here. 

When we look over the fence, we ignore all the weeds on that new side and we stop paying attention to the positive features of our current side.  And, as I’ve written about before, I think the attention and focus on where we want to go or be can make all the difference in the world to our happiness and satisfaction with where we are.

Lately, I’ve been thinking of selling our house.  No one wants to move, other than me.  I keep thinking that I’ll like entertaining more if I had a house I loved.  That it will just feel better to move – a fresh start.  This is me just thinking that something is better than what I have.  Why do I need something better?  I have something great already.  (I’m still looking for justifications, if you have any!).

This fence looking occurs a lot during our (read: me) mid-life crises.  We think a better relationship, better car, more s** (with a different person), a new job … all of that will stop the feeling that we are aging and time is moving past us.  Sound even remotely familiar?

The real truth is that we are already on the side that is the greenest.   Sure, as I’m getting older I have more “weeds” to pull and I have to use a bit more fertilizer to keep the grass green.  But if I really am honest, my grass is just what I’ve cultivated for myself and it’s just the kind of grass I need (not want – there’s a difference).  My focus and attention should be internal and on making the collective world better, not on jumping over a new fence.  

I read this once: “Imagine how beautiful our world would be if we all tended to our own garden.  The entire world would be covered with flowers and the grass [would be} the most magnificent shade of green ever!”

So today, appreciate the weeds in your garden.  Plant a few more flowers (literally and figuratively) and just keep watering what you have.  Amazing things will happen right in your own garden.

Have a wonderful day!