theyearof50

Have you noticed that when you’re happy about something that’s completely unrelated to your looks is the moment you shine the most? Maybe you earned a promotion or finished a tough race.  It’s that sense of achievement that makes us feel beautiful and good about ourselves. True beauty comes from within.

Ask yourself the question: What do I know for sure?  What’s your list?

I know a few things for sure, I think:  I know my kids came from me and their dad.  I know that I’m sitting in front of a computer right now.  I know I’ve got a few bug bites from the last few days!   And, I know that I can hear the birds chirping.  

I believe that the sun will rise in the morning because I believe that it is likely that the pattern of the sun rising will repeat itself. I also believe that the earth revolves on its axis giving the impression of the sun “rising” every morning.  But am I sure it will happen tomorrow? Of course, the universe is subject to scientific laws and is generally consistent, right?  But, does the universe exists entirely within my own mind?  Maybe a little much for a Friday after a holiday but you get my point.

Every thing that we believe we “know” for sure is actually based on our own assumptions about reality.

I assume that the universe obeys scientific laws and is objective. Unfortunately, that’s an assumption I have to make, rather than an undeniable truth, because it would be impossible to prove that claim (sorry Dad).  But my point is not a scientific one (Obviously.  I’m an attorney!)  My point is that these assumptions or “constructs” we build in our minds to understand reality can be incredibly useful and incredibly destructive. 

I’ve come to realize that we have a built-in feedback mechanism — an inner GPS — that allows us to get accurate feedback on who we are and where we’re at.  However, we don’t always use our own GPS — in fact, sometimes we physically shut it off when it’s “bothering” us or we use someone elses!

The only way to really know anything is to listen to your inner voice – your true, authentic self.  It’s your compass…your directional force.  I’ve learned in this last year that it’s essential to pay attention to the whispers of my inner voice, those quiet nudges to make a change, to go on a different path in my life.

But, it takes courage.  Courage to take a no-holds barred, clear-eyed look at your life.  To pay attention to your own feelings and authentic inner voice and give them credence. It takes courage to take charge of your life and make your own decisions and to focus on what’s important to you, not someone else.

Take a look at your GPS.  Is it taking you where you want to go?  If not, throw in some fresh batteries and fire it up again.   Then, decide where you want to be, set the address and enjoy the ride!  

Today, my GPS is set for Connecticut to get my daughter!  I hope you all have a great start to your weekend!  

My daughter would say that 14 years ago today, her life ended.  I would say that 14 years ago, my life changed – in the most fantastic and dramatic of ways.

I learned I was pregnant with twins, when I was at the doctor’s office, bleeding and waiting to be told I was miscarrying.  I was, but I was also pregnant with two more.  I remember sobbing.  I was scared, excited and very shocked.  A million things were running through my head:  How would I carry them to term?  How would I work with three kids under three? Yikes, we needed a new car!

The pregnancy was beautifully simple, other than my size!  On the 4th of July 1999, I took my daughter to the park.  I was 3 1/2 weeks from my due date. Then, I felt something.  Intuition.  I brought her home and went to the ER.  One of them had pushed the other’s cord so far down that if my water broke, one would not survive.  I would not leave the hospital without giving birth.  There was no choice and the 4th would be the day – two healthy boys … 6.2 and 6.11.

However, their birth was followed with great sadness.  My mom was diagnosed the day I came home with the boys and died 6 weeks later.  In that period, I had surgery, one of the boys had surgery, I was trying to work and we were trying to manage two infants, a 2-year-old, a home construction project and taking care of my mother. Life.

Now, here we are.  I have two amazing and oh-so-different boys! They don’t like when I write about them but I forewarned them.  One asked me to write about the birth of the US today.  The other ignored me.  Story of my life.

My blonde son looks much like his father.  He’s an extrovert.  He is a very deep thinker.  He wonders about his purpose in the world and how he will make a difference.  He’s funny and a sports statistics savant.  We love him!

My brown-haired one is an introvert.  He’s quick at solving problems, he can fix anything, he’s Italian and one of the most sensitive boys I know.  It makes life difficult now but it will serve him well later in life. We’ll keep this one too!

Here’s how I lucked out: deep down, as tough as it is to be a non-identical twin, they really do love one other.  And, even better, they’ve got the moral compass that I long for with my children.  I could go tomorrow, if that was the plan, and they would know to follow the direction set for them.  Sure, they’ll make mistakes.  But they unquestionably know about how to be in the world. Thanks, boys, for making that a priority in your lives.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY guys!!!  I’m so lucky that you came into my life and I’m thankful for every (almost – 🙂 ) minute we’re together.  I really could not have asked for a better set of sons!

Love you!!!  XOXO

Three times yesterday, I was presented with a “message” that apparently I needed to hear.

In the morning, I was at a coffee shop and I, not surprisingly, struck up a conversation with a stranger.  We were discussing what we do to get going in the morning.  He told me that when his wife was alive, the two of them took a few minutes every morning to talk about their upcoming day over a cup of coffee.  It started him off right.  Now, that she’s gone, he’s not sure what to do in the morning.  He said, “We are what we repeatedly do,”  and given his life change, he didn’t know how to create a new and positive morning habit.  I have to admit, I kind of didn’t hear the quote, because I was focused on his story.

When I was out to lunch, the person I was with talked to me about a quote that he lives by, “We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then is not an act, but a habit.”  I immediately realized that this was the quote I had heard earlier.  Hmm.   I meant to look it up but got tied up during the day.

Later in the evening, I had a “communication” with a friend that reminded me of this quote and by the time I was going to bed, I noticed on FB that a friend had this quote!  Ok, enough already!  I looked up the quote and here’s the message I got:

It is important to make positive thoughts and actions a habit in our lives, both individually and collectively.  It is important also for us to learn mental skills which we can use to protect ourselves from negativity and hence make the world a better place to be.

We create our own reality.  We do that by continually and automatically playing our same old tapes over and over again.  This leaves us truly unable to seek positive change in our lives.

Excellence (in any area of our lives) is not an act, it is a habit.  It is about investing in the direction you want to go and focusing on it in a habitually positive manner.  We are what we repeatedly do.  When we get into the same behavior patterns, the same eating habits and the same communication patterns, we need to recognize what we are doing and then commit to something different and commit to doing the right thing (excellence) over and over again.

Maybe these “messages” to me were a reminder to move on from any negativity in my life to a better place.  To stop playing the old tapes and being in the same old negative situations and to really make a change.   In fact, if we all moved away from those places of negativity, I think the collective conscience of the world – would become a better place.

The “birthday” is almost here.  Enjoy today!

I recently had an “ah-ha experience” with a friend who was asking me if I thought I was a perfectionist (he was telling me I am but I preferred to ignore it).   Yikes!  I hate where I’ve got to dig deep and admit stuff that I don’t even want to acknowledge.  Thankfully, I am not the only wacky woman perfectionist out there.

From my “research,” I found that generally women are more perfectionistic than men.  Typically, women are unhappy even if 10 of 11 things are going right and they tend to focus on the 1 rather than the 10 (men – you are not all off the hook, so don’t stop reading yet!).

One article I read suggested that women have this perfectionist aspect because they multitask more and then have more they feel need to be good at.  In fact, the article indicated that on average, men worry about three things every day, but women on average worry about 12 things every day.  Seriously?  (I hear it’s the reverse in thinking about s**!).

Of  course, there are some things that we need to be perfect at.  If you’re a surgeon, you need to be perfect during surgery – but you don’t have to have a perfectly clean kitchen!  I think it’s important to get to the gym most days, but you don’t have to get there every single day (those of you who know me, don’t roll your eyes).  How many people do you know that you think are attractive and have it all, yet there is still something that they don’t like about their life or appearance?  Why can’t they be happy with what they have?

Isn’t this an issue for all of us … not just women?  Isn’t it hard to be happy just with what you have – your body type, your relationship, job, house, spouse …?

Other than intensive therapy (which sounds relaxing right about now) I think we need to practice more active gratitude – paying attention to what’s good in our lives … those 10 things rather than that 1 thing.  How to do that?  Good friends keep you in check and humor helps too.

When my mom died a friend told me to think of one thing every day that I was grateful for.  At first, the things surrounded my mom.  Now (I still do it), I have so many things that I often can’t pick one!  Sometimes, I pick my perfectionism and I’m thankful for even that (huge!) flaw.

So, today pick one thing that you are thankful for — pick a flaw of yours (if you have one!).   Then, try to have a less than perfect day and enjoy it!

I fired up my computer quite early this morning to find, once again, the most bizarre titles for stories.  Who has the job of creating these pieces of “journalism?”  Don’t you want that job?

Just take a look at what I found this morning:

“Get Rid of your Beer Belly in a Weekend.”  Really, why can’t I drink on the weekend when everyone else does and get rid of it on a weekday?

“Wrinkle Free Solution Horrifies Surgeons.”  Anything wrinkle free would scare me.

“Waffle Irons aren’t just for Waffles anymore.”  Look.  I’ve got George Forman now.  My waffle iron can take a break and just be used for waffles.

“Grumpy Cat’s reasons to be happy.”  How do they know the cat is grumpy anyway?  Aren’t they eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom or rubbing up against you?  Hmm, sounds like some people I know.

“Hulk’s daughter gets engaged.”  I just can’t comment on this one.

“What can lead to dishonesty at work.”  This article says a bigger desk can make you more dishonest.  Now, how do you think they got the “facts” for this one?  Clearly, no one talked to me because my desk is not big.  But, my assistant, she’s got a whole cubicle and she seems pretty honest … hmm.  🙂

“Inexpensive summer wines.”  Now you’re talking!

Here are some titles I would like to create:

“How to make sure you kids listen and follow all your advice.”

“How to follow your own advice.”

“How to get a chef to cook your meals at a lower cost than eating out.”

“How to get exercise without sweating.”

“How to get exercise while staying in bed and sleeping.”

I have a feeling no one is going to create articles attached to my ideas … but one never knows!

I’m off for a morning run with friends (rather than sleeping!).  Have a great start to your week.

I have a friend who thinks I should just finish off this year and stop blogging. Be done. Enough is enough.  “You did it and now move on to exploring your life.”  While I won’t comment on this opinion, and I have not figured out what to do in 65 days — whether to continue in the same venue, different venue or not at all — it did raise the question for me, “How do I explore my life?”

There’s no question that I explore my life through my children.  In fact, we can all agree that our kids have provided us with a view of life that one can only have with children (I use this term “children” loosely, to account for lots of different options.).  I’ve certainly had to learn to temper my feelings in the face of harsh words.  I’ve had to let go and allow mistakes to happen.  And, I’ve learned about unconditional love.

I’ve explored my life through my love relationships, my marriage and other people I’ve met along they way.  In those relationships you have to allow for another’s needs, even when your needs are screaming loudly in your brain.   I’ve certainly learned the difference between physical attraction and emotional love.  And, I’ve learned the importance of respect and kindness.

My parents have taught me about the harsh realities of life, how to be a parent and how not to be a parent.

And, my blog.  My blog has taught me more about my life than I could have ever imagined 300 days ago.  It has forced me to think about my s***.  It’s allowed me to look at the things that happen to me on a daily basis and make some sense of it all.  Why do I meet certain people, who I will never see again?  Why am I afraid of certain things – like vulnerability?  And, why is change so difficult, but necessary?

I suppose that’s why people say journaling is so important.  It takes what’s in your mind, those things that you really are afraid to say out loud, and allows you to acknowledge them, even if it’s only with yourself.  Look, the only way to grow is to acknowledge the need for growth.  And, the only way to do that is an honest assessment of who we are, what we stand for and where we want to go.

So, here we are – day 300 on my quest to 51.  I’ll be there in 65 more days.  I have way more to grow and learn than could ever occur in the next 65 days.   So, what will come next?  I’m still not sure and am open to suggestions.

The really fantastic news, however?  We don’t have to explore our lives alone.  We definitely have each other!

Have a wonderful day!

Here’s the thing about being a parent.  We worry. We worry about things that don’t happen and we worry about the things that do happen.  What I worry about happened last night – one of the boys was hit in the base of his skull with a pitch.  He’s got a concussion … I know the symptoms  … my daughter has had two.  He  couldn’t recall the day.  His hearing was fuzzy.  Immediate headache.  Trouble getting out of the car.  Felt off.  Looked off.  I hate this.

When my daughter had her first one, I didn’t know what it was right away.  The second time, when a boy lit her into the boards at hockey (and he bragged about it … really, she’s a girl!?), I knew.  I could see it in her eyes.  I hate this.

What are our options?  They love sports.  And, even when they don’t play any sports, s*** happens.  Sure, we can lock them in a room and give them books and a deck of cards.  But then they turn crazy and do other s*** that gets in the newspapers.  Can’t win (or protect) either way.

We are at home.  He’s resting.  I have tears in my eyes and my stomach hurts.

We give birth to them.  Protect them as best we can.  But in the end, it’s in someone (something?) else’s hands and we have to let go.  We really have no control.  I hate this.

So, hug your kids today.  I know nothing will happen to any of them and I know mine will be fine, but hug them anyway — You just can’t get enough of that!

Enjoy a quiet Saturday.

That’s one of the many comments I got about the activity my boys were involved with  yesterday.  And, I fully admit that I pushed them into it.

Yesterday was their first day volunteering in the Whittier neighborhood of Minneapolis.  Their sister found this program a few years back that services the kids in the neighborhood for six weeks over the summer months and then through out the school year.  The boys are now old enough to volunteer and they started yesterday.

I must first congratulate the boys on going without their sister, who is still in Connecticut.  I’m sure it was difficult to walk into a totally strange place, with kids of all ages running around, find the person in charge and take on a completely foreign experience.  Tough for adults.  Even more so for 13-year-old boys.

Thursdays are field trip day and they took the kids bowling.  The boys recounted for me how fun and funny it was to watch these kids experience this activity, many of whom had never bowled before.  They also told me how cute the kids were and how really “awesome” it turned out to be.

But I did get a question which was — were all the kids were from difficult homes, because it didn’t “seem” that way.  Interesting observation.  I asked them if there was some way to tell what kind of family experiences the kids came from. No, they didn’t think so but could all these kids be “in need?”

So I suggested the following: We live in a world where we don’t see (really, open our eyes to) as much “in need” as we  see “too much.”  We don’t know what it’s like to go to the grocery store and wonder if we will have enough money to pay for the groceries.  And, we don’t have to worry about finding clean clothes and a nice bed to sleep in.

I told the boys that life is full of surprises and that there will be many times where what we think we see is not really what is there.  And, that their goal should be to treat everyone with respect, kindness and grace, regardless of how much they seem to have or not have.

When we got home I asked what they were going to do with the paycheck they received?  The looked at me with shocked faces and one asked, “We get paid?” I smiled and said, “Your pay are the great feelings you have.  What are you going to do with those?”  Only a brief silence was followed with, “Go back next week!”

I love these guys (and it pays to push just a bit!).

Have a fantastic day!

Clearly, there are a few disadvantages to getting older.  For example, I spend a lot more time in the bathroom and it’s not to fix my hair … (as indicated in the title!).  When I went to buy wine the other night, I didn’t get carded.  And I recently had to ask my daughter, “Am I too old to wear this?”  Wow!  Never thought I’d say that.

But there are some good things about getting older and I’m going to focus on a few today.  For example, we get a lot of discounts, us old(er) people.  The other day, while waiting in line for some food at a local fast food joint, I heard a guy ask for his senior discount.  Senior discount?  It made me think – do I count yet?  I did a bit of research and found that there are discounts for the 50+!  Way more at 55 and 60, but why rush it?  I’ve got to have something to look forward to.

For food, I noted that Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme offer discounts to 50+.  So, if you can survive the sugar and fat from these places, at 55+ you can get a 10% discount at Arby’s! Banana Republic and Kmart both offer discounts to those 50 and over.  Thus, when you admire that new dress I’m wearing, it’ll be from one of these fantastic locations!  If I need a break from the efforts of being a working mom, I can stay at the Mainstay Suites which offers a 10% off with the “Mature Traveler’s Discount.”   I’m “mature” now.

There are non-discounted advantages too.  For example, I get a lot more done in a 24 hour period because I can’t sleep due to trips to the bathroom or just inability to stay asleep.  I can drive slowly and not give a s*** if some kid is honking at me or giving me the finger.  Plus, I’m old enough to use the same finger and my kids think it’s “cute.”  I can use the excuse “menopause” for at least another 15 years.  Plus, if I forget your name, address or even that I know you, I can pawn it off on a “senior moment(s).”

When I run races now, I am in the “old(er)” age group and I look like I am running so much faster when I place 2nd out of 3.  Or, I’ve gained a lot of new friends … they are all MD’s but who cares if I have to pay them to visit with me.  Plus, when I don’t want to do something … anything … I can say, “I’m too old for that.”

So, as I inch closer to 51, I can see all the advantages and almost none of the disadvantages (well, I mainly can’t see them because my eyesight is so freaking bad!).

Have a wonderful day!