theyearof50

Yesterday had some good and some oddities to it.  It started out with my sleeping in (6 a.m. – yea!) and having a leisurely cup of tea with the paper. By 8:30 I was out the door.  I get into the office only to find a bit of a disaster, but I decide to remain calm, start putting out the fire and heading out for a work-related lunch.

The lunch was at my favorite place – Panera.  Love the soup and salad combo! These were new work-related contacts.  But, as soon as I walked in I knew it would be fun!  Ever have those experiences, where you meet someone and know immediately that this is going to be a friendship – not just a “meeting?”  We talked about everything non-work, including grocery shopping and bodily functions.  I’m sure that’s TMI but it tells you how fun it was!  Thanks for having lunch with me (in case she reads the blog)!

When I got back to the office building, this was my next interaction:

(Elevator dings and I get on with a guy whose got a big comb over, looks quite disheveled and about 65 … but who’s looking???)

Guy:  You were fast getting on the elevator.

Me: Yea, I’ve got a lot of work to do when I get up there.

Guy: Why are you working? Why don’t you go to a bar and meet a rich guy. (I’m thinking, who the f@#$ is this guy?  I look up and catch him looking at my ring hand.  He looks at me and smirks).

Guy: You won’t have to work a minute if you marry a rich guy.

Me: Really?  Gosh, never thought of that. (Please g-d, get to the 17th floor asap!).

Guy: Seriously.  It’s the way to go and you can do it.  Just go find a rich guy and then you don’t have to go to work.

Me: Hmm, maybe I’m doing the wrong thing by pushing my kids to go to college.  Maybe I should push the rich marriage thing. (I’m just hoping he gets my  sarcastic “drift” here).

Guy: Yes! You should!  (He mentioned something about them going to a bible college but I didn’t want to ask for any clarification). You should tell them about my idea!

Me: Well, don’t you think I might go down in the history books as a bad mom if I did that?

Guy: (the elevator gets to 17 and as I walk (sprint) out, I hear)  No!  You’d be ahead of the game!  Take my word for it … (the door closes).

Here’s my thinking:  If you want to pick me up or just act like a crazy creepy person in an elevator – then you better be attractive with no comb over and not look like you’d just had sex in the back of a car.

Who are these people and how do they find me?

I hope we have a normal day today!

I recall being in fights with former partners where I (or he) would bring up an issue to be discussed and rather than my partner dealing with the issue, he would bring up something totally different! Then shots are being fired across the bow and while the words were being heard, neither of us was listening to the other person. The end result was that rather than digging into the one issue and resolving it, the issue was shoved aside and no issues were resolved. We know how this story ends!

The antidotes to blame are simple:

1. State your complaint without criticizing or accusing, which is admittedly not an easy thing to do. But in it’s most simplistic form, here’s an example: If your husband was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning and he forgot, say, “Shoot, my laundry isn’t here,” and don’t add one more word. As opposed to, “I can’t believe you forgot the dry cleaning again!” The former will elicit an “I’m so sorry.” The latter, defensiveness.

2. Let’s get over ourselves (I say that nicely, of course). We are not perfect and neither is our partner. We can’t fix or change our partner and any attempts to do so will drive them away … far, far away. Which is usually the opposite result the partner wanted.

3. Find one thing that you can own – I mean really own. There will be at least one thing. If not, (meaning you can’t even admit to one) – well, that’s a relationship killer. When you own it, change it. Words mean less than actions.

4. Don’t wait for the other person to say “I’m sorry,” unless you are always the one taking the first step, then that’s an issue. And, don’t just say you’re sorry … do something about it. Mean business.

Even with my own children, I’ve tried to pay attention to when the finger-pointing starts. And, it’s easy to do when we’re mad. But if we look inward and take stock of where we could be going wrong, that will certainly change the dynamic of the conversation and maybe (hopefully) even the relationship.

Enjoy the start of another beautiful week!

I’ve lived 50 years without really knowing what it means to take care of all of me –  how to say “no” instead of “yes.”  There’s no question that I’m good at doing things for others.  And, there’s no question that I look like I’m taking care of myself.  And I am – the outside of me.  My question is, am I taking care of the inside of me?

My 40’s were great, even though I had some instability in my personal life, divorce, relationships and a health scare.  I ran marathons, triathlons and lots in between.  My kids grew up into fantastic human beings and I became much more self-confident and comfortable in my own skin.  Isn’t that what your 40’s are about?

Sometimes, however, I buried my vulnerability. I played the resilience card. I sought out quick-fixes. Sometimes I was unhappy in my personal life but I convinced myself I was okay.  I wasn’t always taking care of myself emotionally, I was taking care of others.  Unconsciously, I played “I’ll take care of myself later” card when I should have used the “I need to take care of myself now,” card.

Somewhere along the overachieving path and spending too much time looking into the future, I lost myself.  I forgot how to take care of my inner world.  I forgot that I get to say “no” rather than “yes” all the time.  I also continued to worry more about disappointing others than about disappointing myself.

I am trying to live my life differently now.  Yes, I have strong tapes that want to play into my insecurities and vulnerabilities.  Yes, I want everyone to be happy.  But, intellectually I know that’s not possible.  If I make everyone else happy, I am inevitably forgetting me.

My advice to myself (and you):

Listen to your body and my mind.  Trust your intuition.  Let go of the people and tapes that harm your psyche – those that have their back … not yours.  Don’t let others bring you down.  Their negativity is their problem.  Practice saying “no” when you need to (and when you want to).   Ask yourself questions and allow for the possibility that you won’t always have the answers.  Look for those special people in the world who love you unconditionally.  Don’t let others guilt you into decisions and don’t be afraid to disappoint someone … just don’t disappoint yourself.

With that focus, I have a feeling that the world will look different – kinder, more meaningful,  and more compassionate as will the people in your life.  You will have shown those in your orbit how important self-care and love for oneself really is.  It’s not until you’re at that point, that you can truly love someone else.

Have a peaceful day.

I’m tired of taking care of my house.  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … I need a wife (and it’s more likely now than before!).  There’s always something to do here.  And, no matter how many times I do dishes or laundry, there’s still more to do.

I’m sure every mom has thought about it — how much would I get paid for this non-stop job, if I was getting paid in dollars?  A friend sent me an article, posted on Mother’s Day by Salary.com, which answered this question.

They calculated how much a mom would make by comparing it to the cost to an employer if they had to pay cash for all the jobs that moms do.  The surveyed more than 10,000 moms who picked their top 10 “mom jobs:” housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, facilities manager, van driver, psychologist, laundry operator, janitor and CEO.   Then, they calculated the yearly mom salary for both working and stay-at-home moms!

Based on time spent doing the 10 jobs chosen, the annual salary for the stay-at-home mom was $122,732. Working moms ‘at-home salary was $76,184 (this is in addition to the salary they earn in the workplace).  OMG.  I could be rich!  But who would be paying me???  Oh, and the figure includes approximately 55 hours of overtime for the mom at home and 17 hours of overtime for the working mom.

Maybe I am just sick of the rain.  Or, maybe I am just sick of the laundry, dishes, bill paying, sweeping, dusting and refilling the toilet paper at every turn.   Of course, I’m not known for being a complainer and the rewards we get in lieu of cash are priceless.  But, I still wish I could get back in bed, go back to sleep and let someone else feed, cook, clean and drive the kids today!

Now, that I’ve done all that … if the rain would stop, I could go for a run without my fins!

Have a great one!

What’s happening to me? I think I might finally have a quantifiable reason for therapy (as if the other 100 reasons weren’t enough!).

Monday we had one of those big black flies moving back and forth through our kitchen.  It was driving me crazy.  My first swipe at it resulted in the screen falling off the window.  The second, I spilled a glass of juice.

The third time I knew I got him, but all I could find was a wing left on the kitchen table.  My heart broke.  Where was he (notice I named him a “he”)?  How was I left with one wing?  Then I saw him.  Flopping around on the table – wingless.  I had to pick him up, smash him in a napkin and throw him away.  I felt horrible.

Have I become too soft at 50?  Am I going to be afraid to swat Minnesota’s state bird (mosquitos – for those of you not from MN) as it’s sucking my blood?  Will I have issues with setting a trap for mice (praying that I don’t have any), rather than just letting them scurry around?

Honestly, this seems serious.

A few weeks ago, our kitchen was suddenly overrun with ants. The little ones. Marching all over the floor and picking up every little piece of food dropped by the kids (and there’s a lot!)   This resulted in an ant tsunami where I literally took a wet paper towel and swiped up a few hundred of them.  I wondered if the ants thought I was a cruel and powerful force of nature.  I am, aren’t I?

I never think twice when I am paying the exterminator to get rid of those box elder bugs or the bees (actually, I did bee spraying last night too!).

I’m feeling a little violent with all the killing.  In fact, I hate to admit this but last year I had a huge ant hill in my backyard.  So, I did the only thing a civilized woman could do — I poured a large bucket of boiling water into the ant holes and stood there.  I almost felt like they were screaming to me.

All of a sudden I’m worrying about the karmic effect on my life for killing these creatures.  But fair is fair, if you’re going to invade my territory.  Thank goodness I’m a vegetarian!

Have a fantastic day!

We’ve been talking a lot about our feelings at my house.  About how much energy goes into stuffing feelings or hanging on to negative feelings rather than letting go and enjoying life.

It’s hard to say “no” when you don’t want to do something.  We just stuff it and say “yes” and then we beat ourselves over saying yes.  Then, we get frustrated with ourselves for continuing to use energy on these stupid things and then we try to bottle it up and move on.  Yes, I agree with the “letting go motto.”  But, there’s also the need to give ourselves permission to feel angry.  And, when we don’t, we inhibit our ability to say what’s on our mind without fear of losing the love or respect of others.

The problem is, as we’ve been discussing in my house, hurt feelings are inevitable in life particularly in our fast-paced world of imperfect communication between people.  The trick to letting go of our hurt feelings is to express those feelings appropriately.  “What do you mean?”  “What does that look like?”  they asked.

I reminded them of the typical scenario:  We hold our feelings in, thinking it will be ok, then at some minor infraction we explode out of proportion, often bewildering everyone around us and causing us to be disappointed in us!

I like to think of anger as a constructive emotion.  It’s a sign to me that I am hurt and I must find a way to resolve the issue.  This is a critical first step.  Resolution means listening to your own needs and not trying to convince others of your same needs.

Changing, as my son reminded me yesterday, is not an overnight process.  He’s absolutely right.  To begin, we first must learn to set limits with others and begin the process of stopping the repetitive tapes being played in our minds.   We need to stop worrying about pleasing everyone.  We also need to (mostly because we don’t feel great about ourselves) stop discounting compliments we receive and accept them!

So, our motto at home this week is to take responsibility for our own actions and our own feelings.  To let go when appropriate and to express our emotions in a respectful way.  So far, so good and we are half-way through the week!  We’ve also decided to recognize that each of us is going to be part of the problem and part of the solution.  This is tough for 14 and 16 year olds – but they seem to be getting my drift!  Gotta start ’em young!

Have a great day!

I met someone about 3 weeks back.  I wanted to write about it but I wasn’t sure what to do, so I didn’t.  Yesterday, I saw him again.  I’m still not sure what to do about it but I’m going to write the story anyway.

I first met him at Caribou near my office.  We were joking about the Caribou question of the day.  We got to talking about our kids and how they would just google the answer in line before they bought their “coffee.”  We, of course, wouldn’t think of doing that! He told me he has 5 kids and that he and his wife had been married 25 years (I think – I can’t recall exactly).

Then, as we were waiting for the actual drinks, he said that his wife had just told him that she’d cheated on him and he was trying to decide what to do next (At first I wanted to run.  I was just there for a sparkling tea!).  He loved her but thought maybe it was time to move on.  He worried about his kids, he still loved his wife … but he was very angry about what she did.  (At one point, I again looked around for the Candid Camera, camera … what the heck!?).

I shared a bit of my own experiences and said that he should only leave if he was sure he wouldn’t look back and wonder if he gave it his all at repairing.  His wife wanted to stay together.  We had our drinks by now and as we were leaving, I said I would send my positive thoughts his way.  He apologized for saying so much and thanked me for listening.

I debated writing about it but decided it was a freak thing and what was I going to write anyway?  That I met a stranger who told me a sad story?

Yesterday, at a different coffee shop, I ran into him again.  He walked up and asked if I was Jessica (he remembered my name and I could not remember his).   I realized who it was and asked how things were going.  He said that he left the coffee shop that day, called his wife, asked her to lunch, they talked all afternoon and decided to get into counseling.  He said it’s a struggle for him but he’s trying.  He also said that the day we met, he was planning on meeting someone else – he was feeling spiteful.  But after we talked, he cancelled and called his wife.

I wonder why life is so crazy?  Why is it easier to talk with strangers than other people?   (What kind of vibes am I sending out!?)  I have no conclusions here.  Only that relationships are hard work, but worth it with the right person — and talking to strangers must be easier!  I’ll have to keep getting coffee to see how this one plays out.  Fingers crossed!

Have a great day!

As you know, I’m Italian. I say that as if it explains everything about me … maybe it does.  We all experience the same emotions and most often, we deal with them in the same way.  I can tell you that my Italian family cries, hugs and laughs a lot (and the laughing usually results in more crying!).

My last remaining aunt (my mother’s sister) cried this weekend. The most heartbreaking was when she saw my daughter. I could see it coming and I could feel it myself. She grabbed her and just started to hug her and sobbed. I couldn’t help myself and cried too. Later that night, my daughter asked why my aunt cried when she hugged her. I reminded my daughter of how much she looks like the Grassi family and that she is a direct reminder to my aunt of the loss of her “favorite” sister (my mom). I cried because it hit me just how much my mom would have loved this whole experience of her grandkids becoming adults. My daughter nodded with some understanding. Friends, if your parents are still around, tell them how much you love them.

I cried when I was watching one of my favorite movies in the hotel – When Harry Met Sally. I love watching how slowly, ever so slowly, the walls come down between these two people … in such a real way. We all have those walls and we all need to find ways to let them down in safe situations (and sometimes even when we’re not so sure it’s safe).

I watched my daughter tear up (and I, of course cried) as she said good-bye to the girls from development camp. I know that feeling. People come into your life and they mean something. They make a difference. Some of them you will never see again (like some of the people I happen upon in my life). Some, will become long-standing friends (like these girls with my daughter).  But, saying good-bye, regardless of the circumstances, is one of life’s most emotional experiences.

I cried saying good-bye to my family. These are the members of my mom’s family that I don’t often see.  I am reminded of how much I love and miss them each time I visit.  I am also reminded how easy it is to reconnect with those you truly love (family and friends).  I miss you guys already!

So, all in all a typical weekend with me. Tears, tears, a lot of laughing and hugging everyone I could (including the parents of my daughter’s new friend).  Hey, why not – I’m Italian!!

Here we go — the second half of summer. Let’s ENJOY! Have a wonderful day!