theyearof50

There are days when I wonder what I am doing following the straight and narrow.  I eat healthy, I exercise, I don’t drink caffeine or smoke cigarettes (or anything else for that matter).  I rarely drink wine and I’ve never snorted a line of cocaine (no response necessary!).

So, when I saw the big billboard sign downtown, “Cocaine Addicts Wanted,”  I paused.  Hmm, really?  Was this a joke?  The sign indicated that they (the University of MN) would offer some pay (good idea), medication (yes, I could use some of that) and counseling (no question!).  All they needed me to do was become a cocaine addict.  How hard is that??

All kidding aside, I decided to look into the seriousness of is ad.  I have never seen anything like it before.  Apparently, the University of Minnesota is doing a study right now on drugs that can counteract the addictive cravings that accompany the use of cocaine. That’s awesome!

However, the location of the sign made me feel bad.  It’s on a street downtown, toward the north end of town, near the light rail, where there is, one might say, a mixed crowd of downtown employees and not.  I guess what made me feel bad is that the U knew that if it put a sign in that particular place, it was likely to get takers.  Now, I know that lots of other “kinds” of people enjoy cocaine.  But, those people were not targeted.  But with my half-full glass, it also makes me happy.  Happy that the participants in this study might get help and move to a better place.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the sadness and difficulty in the world.  When I told the kids about the sign, they thought it was cool. Cool that the U was going to help people who “need help.”  That’s the best way to look at this sign and the program.  I’m thankful that what I heard from them was pure loving sympathy for other people.

I have nothing more nor nothing less to say today.  Just be filled with gratitude for what you have and work through the s*** that fills all our lives.  What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger … right?

Have a great start to your weekend!

I love Bill Murray.  And, as I may have mentioned, I love the movie Groundhog Day.  First, I love the mindlessness of it – he’s so funny!  But even more so, I love the part where he is forced to relive his life until he makes life changes and can move to a new day.

You know how this goes in real life too.  You get up and are forced to keep doing the same thing over and over again.  The same people, the same projects.  In the movie, even when he tries to kill himself, he’s back the next morning in exactly the same place.   He didn’t see his blind spot and had to live each day over until he realized it and made a change.

We all do this at times.  We find ourselves in the same types of intimate relationships or friendships.  For some reason, each partner doesn’t quite have what it takes to give them the love they truly desire. Every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating an unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability and neglect.  Or we end up in the same types of jobs or communication styles with family and friends – the same conflict patterns, never really knowing, understanding or even seeing a way out.

The lesson of Groundhog Day is this:

Nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out.

It’s only when we stop blaming and feeling victimized by someone else and take responsibility for the fact that the relationship/friendship/job situation is partially our own creation – that we will see the shift.

So ask yourself: What needs to change inside you before you start getting a different result?  What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, by putting you in the same cycle, that you just don’t understand?

Look, we all have dysfunction.  But, either we bring this dysfunction from relationship to relationship (or life to life – if you believe that) or we don’t.  At some point, the frustration, dissatisfaction and loneliness should result in us realizing that we need to make the change.

Most of us cannot see our own blind spots (I’ve got multiple and quite large blind spots!) and need guidance from our partners and loved ones, to point them out.  When we are ready to learn, to listen and discover the truth about ourselves, then we need not repeat our mistakes over and over again.

So, ask yourself  — is your blind spot causing you to stay in the same life patterns?  If so, maybe it’s time to explore trying something different.  How can it hurt??!!

Have a wonderful day!  The birds are already chirping at 5:00 a.m!

My dad raised a question for me, which is there’s no real definition for the way or reason time feels like it moves faster or slower at any given point. The reason I fixated on this question is that my boys are out-of-town for the week with their dad and I don’t want this quiet time to go to fast (sorry guys, but it is a bit peaceful!).

Of course, it’s a widely accepted adage that, “The older you get, the faster time seems to go.” But why is this?  Time should be the same no matter what.  And why do they say that time flies when you’re having fun?  Aren’t we having fun in our old(er) age when it’s flying by?  Does that mean it’s not flying by when they are teens (our kids will say that’s true!).

As I was thinking about this, I remembered an article I had read once by Philip Yaffee where he said that time moves at different speeds based on anticipation or retrospection.  In other words, when we anticipate things that are important to us, they seem so far away.  Then, they happen and we look back the event is over, the anticipation was longer than the actual event … making time feel like it went fast.

For me, the high point of my life, thus far, has been my children.  It has been a joyful, difficult and amazing experience and the time is going so quickly.  When I had written 65 blogs I recall saying to my dad,  “how am I going to possibly write 300 more?”  And here I am, just 42 left – it went so fast!

The real issue for me is that I want to slow it down enough to appreciate the moments.  Like yesterday, I took 10 minutes to sit in the living room and just chat with my daughter.  Nothing big, just talking.  It was wonderful.  Or, my vacations with the kids.  The first days go slower as I enjoy the experience and the last days go faster as I get more tired and anxious to get home!

So here’s my take away:  When we do the same things over and over again, day in and day out, nothing new or exciting – the time just flies by.   When we take advantage of new and unique experiences, we make distinct memories and we live in the moment.  In other words:

When we hold a positive perception of life, people and the future, when we experience new things, we use our time more wisely and in turn, time “moves” more slowly.

So, I’m going to try to have at least one new experience a day.  It can be small.  Just something to make the day stand out and allow me to appreciate the moment.

Have a great one!

I had dinner last night with a good friend.  I was telling him that I was thinking of having a party to celebrate 365 blogs and my birthday.  I was hesitant though and asked his thoughts.  He said, “Jessica why is it so hard for you to celebrate yourself?  You are the bomb!  Are you sure you are in the right career? [Ha!] Have you really thought about what you’ve done here?”

What is so hard about celebrating who we are?  Even as I was talking to him about a party, I was feeling hesitant … unsure that maybe this was too forward of me to do for me.  Of course, he reminded me that this was not only going to be for me … it would be for all of us.

Here’s the thing, I really am freaking proud of myself for doing this blog.  But to say that out loud, to be acknowledged for something … that’s an incredibly difficult proposition.  It is a move way outside my comfort zone.

I have this voice inside me that constantly reminds me that I likely don’t really have a law degree.  That I must be faking it.  It tells me that it’s no big deal to build a practice with amazing clients or that I can’t be a good mom.  It’s also the voice that questions whether I deserve any attention whatsoever.

What’s the real truth here:  The world will not celebrate you if you don’t celebrate yourself.  Period.

No way around this one.  You will not get what you want out of the world if you don’t think you deserve it.  I once read this: “You won’t move forward, achieve great things, attract clients, find the partner of your dreams or make more money if permit yourself to get caught up in a conversation with the voice that tells you that you don’t deserve all of the good things coming your way.”

You do deserve the best you can imagine for yourself.

I really do deserve the great clients that are in my practice.  I also deserve a fantastic partner who will support me in all sorts of ways.  And, if I want to make more money … I deserve that too!  I also deserve my amazing friends and no wonder I’ve got such great kids!  

Wait! Stop! Ahh, my inner voice:  What makes you think that you deserve more than others?  What about all the people living in poverty or with life struggles? 

Yes, of course.  But my wanting the best for me does not take away from what I can and should do for the collective good of the world.  It is not an either/or.

So, for today (no every day!) give yourself some credit for the fantastic person you are.  Shove the other “voice” away.    Don’t be stuck in the negative tape of questioning your worth.  And, BTW – You do deserve all the good that comes your way – and even the stuff you do for yourself!

Have a wonderful day (and watch for my party invitation!) 🙂

Mental-health care has come a long way since the remedy of choice was trepanation — drilling holes into the skull to release “evil spirits.”  Now we have all different kinds of “help” from actual physicians to life coaches.

Everyone is exposed to stress, but we all handle it in different ways. For some, there’s emotional eating, tobacco use and having a few drinks (something I might like to try, just once!).  This stress comes from all avenues, such as work, relationships, kids, money, and on and on.

“They” say that stress can seriously derail your efforts to look and feel younger.   So, rather than spend too much money on facial creams and surgery, I run.  I run.  I run and run and run.  I go to yoga, swim, bike and just about anything else I can find.  My son asked me the other day if I was addicted to anything.  I said YES!  Running!

I don’t know about endorphin-thing.  I’ve experienced them at mile 17 at the marathon.  Instead of hitting the famed “wall,”  I get reenergized (it’s mile 22 where I hit the wall).  But, I do feel better on a day when I have a great work out.  I know the physical effects make a difference and my kids agree.  Maybe, I’ve already mentioned this but on days when I’m crabby, they kids will actually ask if I’m going for a run soon!  I hate when they actually “get” my s$$$!

Yet, as I write this, I’ve not yet gone out for my run.  But I know I will get it in soon and hopefully before one of the kids has to ask!

Have a great day and get out for some “therapy!”

There are some songs that stick with us and mean something.  I have lots of songs that I love from Elton John (although I’m not sure I understand all the words), the Beatles, Prince (showing my age yet?), etc.   The Man in the Mirror was one of Michael Jackson’s songs with a theme that I really believe in – changing the world.

Sometimes my kids will ask how they can change the world with so much pain and poverty in our country and around the world.  It’s a good question and my answer is usually the same; Every day think about what you can do to make a difference.

Some of us will have jobs or the ability to make big, sweeping changes for groups of people, some of us will do it one day at time, in smaller ways.  Both are critical to the collective good.  But the first step is to look in the mirror and ask yourself, how can I change?  How can I be a role model for change? How can I step outside myself to see all those things I can do to make a difference?

So, no matter how you feel about the way he lived his life, it’s hard to argue that Michael Jackson was an amazing artist and had some incredible words to live by:

I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right…

As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer’s disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man’s soul
They follow each other on the wind ya’ know
‘Cause they got nowhere to go
That’s why I want you to know

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
(Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)

I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It’s time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they’re not alone?
A willow deeply scarred, somebody’s broken heart
And a washed-out dream.

(refrain)

Have a really wonderful day!

I wonder what this says about me?  I didn’t start really training until I was going through my divorce … doesn’t everyone start kickboxing and training for a marathon when getting divorced???  My first marathon was at age 40.  I’ve done 4 or 5 since then, lots of 1/2 marathons and now triathlons.  I love the training!  I hate the competition.

The racing is not that fun for me.  I bring this up because my training partner is doing her first tri of the year today and she and I have a 1/3 Ironman Relay next weekend (I do the swim/run and she does the bike – which I think is brutal!).  I am only looking forward to it because I have a partner to do it with.  Sure, I can swim 1+ miles in a lake and run 9.  It’s tough, but very doable.  It’s just the thought of having to do it for time, not for fun!  I find it stressful … and maybe that’s what true athletes like!

My training runs are so fun!  I often go out with a group of fantastic women.  We chat about everything under the sun. We stop for water, the bathroom (thankfully) and still sweat and get in a work out.  When I run my 9 next weekend, I won’t be chatting with people (although I may stop at a bathroom!) and I will be trying to run those miles as fast as I can without throwing up (a common occurrence for me!).   Not as fun as my training runs!

When I train in the lake it is peaceful and enjoyable (unless I’m swimming with my daughter – then I feel like I have to keep track of her even though she’s a stronger swimmer than me!).  I’m not fighting off huge guys (and women) in wet suits (I don’t wear one), kicking me in the face and whacking me everywhere else.

So, why do it?  Why not go to yoga and count the ceiling tiles?  I really don’t have a good answer for that one.  It’s just one of those things I do in the summer so that I get that question from my kids  … “Did you win?”  Remember, the older I get, the slower the age group time and the closer I get to winning.  Check in with me when I get to the 80-85 bracket.  We’re sure to see a win then — if I can cross the finish line!

Good luck to all those racers out there today – and to those who are going off to do runs with their friends (like me!)!  Have a great Saturday.

Often in the course of life we are brought together due to a single event in tragedy or celebration. One pivotal moment that unifies the world for a moment in time. Often these events remain in our memory bank for generations to come.  The same is true in our own lives.  We do something with our children or partner that will become a critical memory for us, grandchildren are born, etc.  They are events that are often life changing.

There are also moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads.  We know that the choice(s) we make will define the rest of our days: college, relationships, children.  Of course, when faced with the unknown there is the immediate reaction to turn around and go back.  But, we don’t.  We can’t.

My year of 50 has been one of those “moments” where I’ve felt at a crossroads.  I’ve made some turns and have not stood still, but I’ve looked around.  Almost through a lens to make sure that I am focused on the things to be grateful for, rather than the things I want to accomplish.  Because, I know that the latter type of view is a never-ending race for happiness and fulfillment.  I don’t want to live that way – I know you don’t either.

As usual, I am pushing the envelope on time.  I’ve just biked with a friend and stopped at Home Depot.  It’s 95 degrees and I want to get home.  Plus, I’ve got three kids waiting for me who are hungry (I am too) and I’m walking quickly to my car.  As I get in I see a woman from the parking lot trying to waive me down.  I really try not to look.  I don’t want to get slowed down.

She catches my eye and asks me if they can use my car to jump theirs.  I don’t want to.  I want to get home.  I don’t give my whole-hearted yes but I do say OK.  I was not feeling the love or desire to help them.

As I pull over, another guy drives his car up to help them. They waive me off and I leave and go home.  I felt so guilty.  Why was I in such a hurry that I couldn’t help a stranger?  How would I have felt if it was me who needed a jump and some cold woman begrudgingly was my only option?  I thought about it all night (obviously, as I’m writing about it today!).

There are times when a sense of guilt can motivate us to make amends, change a destructive pattern or own up to a mistake. Once the wrong has been righted, this sense of guilt is often replaced with a sense of relief. But how do you let go of those things that you just wanted to say “no” to.  Where you’re either going to disappoint the person who asked or disappoint yourself?

Disappointing the expectations of others is something we all experience. Our partners, kids, co-workers, friends and family – can and will have ideas about who we are and what we should or shouldn’t do.

While it’s difficult to disappoint others, we have to understand that it will occur if we are to have any hope of living true to our deepest selves.  In other words, if I try to keep everyone else happy (i.e. fulfilling their expectations of me) I will truly not be able to tell what I need or desire.

There’s no formula for not being able to disappoint others and being true to ourselves, but a crucial first step is to understand that we often fear disappointing others because we don’t want to lose their love and respect and we think that who we are is making other’s happy.  The former is not true and the latter will only occur with people we really don’t care about.

In the end, I was glad not to stop to help these people.  I have to acknowledge that.  I know I help others and I know that there are times when I need to put myself first.  This, my friends, is a tough job for me.  I am (we are) just a work in progress.

Have a wonderful day!

I got a new toy and it’s forced me to think a bit more about my marriage to Mr. George Forman (GF).  Yes, we love our GF.  We make burgers, paninis, grilled cheese and grilled PB & J (awesome)!  But recently my sister told me about a new gadget.  A new love.  It’s something called the NutriBullet!

Maybe you have one?  It’s this cool little “blender” for smoothies, but it’s more than a regular blender.  This one pulverizes nuts and any frozen fruit into fantastic drinks.  It’s so easy that even my kids can make one without a huge mess or a million questions.

Lest you think I am being paid some royalty, I’m not.  And, I am so not a gadget person.  I’m just a mom who can’t seem to get any vegetables down the throats of my kids unless they are slathered in dressing or cooked until soggy.   Should I worry about all the articles I read about how damaged my children are going to be because of the “lack of a balanced diet.”  Will they look back and point a finger at my not forcing vegetables on them?

Pleeeaaasssse.  They would eat food off the floor because they are so hungry.  I can’t keep enough good food or junk food in the house and, I’m supposed to make sure they have the right amount of vegetables each day?  No way!   Yet, with this amazing thing, I can blend some spinach in with chocolate protein and strawberries and they don’t notice a thing (as long as I do it before they see what I put in!).

Now I’m on a mission to find things to blend up!  I’ve tried nuts, peanut butter (not a great idea), cereal (just an experiment) and apples (super cool!).   We’ve tried different powders, fruits and some vegetables (tried my all time favorite Kale — yuck!).

This was the extent of my excitement yesterday.  Thankfully, no creeps in the elevator, a nice 1.2 mile swim in the lake with my daughter, a glass of wine and a long and fun conversation with a good friend to top off the night (not to mention some work in there — lest my assistant think I did nothing last night!)

I am off to blend some new concoction!

I hope you have a great day (stay cool!).