theyearof50

We planned this road trip about a month ago.  On Thursday, I decided I couldn’t go – too much work.  On Friday morning my son said, “You haven’t had a vacation, so you have to go.”  (In his mind, traveling with his siblings and his mom driving a car is a vacation!).  I looked at him and realized that he wanted me to go as much as he wanted to go.  So, off we went!

I’ve had a ball! I haven’t had a really relaxing day all summer – not one full 24 hour period and when we got in the car to leave, I realized even I was excited!

I’ve had a lot of little pleasures on this trip:

1. There’s nothing like stopping at a truck stop, all going into some fairly smelly bathrooms and then getting candy for the next leg of the trip (this is at 10 a.m.!).

2. I love looking in my rear view mirror and watching the kids chatting with one another.  I know we do it at home but in a car, just the four of us — it seems much more special.

3. Gotta love the crushed Cheese-its, crackers, muffins, gummy worms, etc. on the floor of the car.

4. I really do enjoy the disgusted looks on my kids faces when I ask yet another stranger to take a picture of us!!!

5. Sitting at a restaurant on vacation is so different from doing it at home. You really do focus on each other, the conversation and having a good time.  Yea, they wanted to go to Chili’s … but it was still fun!

6. No work!

7. No phone service for 1/2 of the drive … yippee!

8. The complete and total awe we all felt walking into our favorite NFL team’s stadium.  Honestly, we were grinning from ear to ear — all of us!  Worth the price of admission!

9. I love that my kids pay attention to whether I am spending, what them deem as “too much money.”  I told them they could buy some things from the pro shop and I watched each of them check price tags first.  Too cute!

10. Nothing stays with you like great memories with your family!

Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!  We are off for a stadium tour!

There are so many things I’ve not written about in this year.  My personal life, for one, or lack thereof, at times.  I am generally pretty open about my life but I’ve been uncertain about sharing that private aspect.  I think I made the right choice (but I don’t want to be precluded from doing so after my 365 days!).  In any case, I saw something yesterday that made me feel good and a bit reflective in this one area and I thought it worth sharing.

As I was walking in the skyway yesterday, I looked down and saw a couple.  They were standing there talking.  She was taller and larger than he.  They had different skin colors.  The didn’t look like we might assume a “couple” would look like.   They were smiling that so-excited-to-be-together smile.  He reached over and took her hand.  I had to stop and watch.  He was talking to her in such a loving way.  She smiled and touched his arm.  Then they hugged – hugged like they didn’t want to let go.  Then she went one way and he came up the escalator.

As I watched him come up the escalator, he bounded up the stairs.  He had a big smile and a total glow from the interaction.   It felt so good to me to watch them and I wasn’t even a participant!

There’s no such thing as the “look” of a “couple.”  And there’s really something about love.  True love.  I don’t know whether they’re in love but it sure felt like love was oozing from their pores.

I am in love with love.  I’m not talking about first date or fifth date passion/”love.”  I’m talking about accepting-of flaws, kind of love.  The I-can-listen-to-your-needs-and-act, kind of love.  The I-have-your-back-even-when-I’m-frustrated-with-you kind of love.  That’s seriously special.   It’s seriously not perfect.  But, it’s seriously special.

We can have love with our family and friends. But this was different.  You know what I’m talking about.  And whatever my path is (no judgment here and enjoying my current spot!), I look forward to either watching others feel that way or feeling it myself.  Either way, love (with all its flaws) can fill a day – a lifetime – with the colors of a rainbow.

Enjoy your beautiful Saturday!

Sometimes “life” has to give you a swift kick in the gut to get you to pay attention.  I got that yesterday.  It was such a hard slam that I almost couldn’t think.  I certainly couldn’t talk.  It happened early in the day.  Afterwards, I walked to my car and drove straight home.  The tears were so thick that I was surprised I could drive.  I walked in the house, stripped out of my dress clothes, dropped them in the kitchen (kids were gone), walked into my bedroom and laid down.

I took a deep breath.

Have you ever had that happen to you?  Something so powerful that you have to stop and really focus on the message?  It really doesn’t matter “what” happened.  What matters is, “it” happened.

Here’s what I didn’t do:  I didn’t revert into my negative thinking.  I didn’t pick up the phone and make a call that I really shouldn’t make.  I didn’t fall asleep.  I didn’t talk.

Here’s what I did do:  I stopped crying.  I got up and got dressed in my favorite shorts and t-shirt.  I put on my flip-flops and walked outside – without my phone.  I walked.  I walked and walked and walked.  I reminded myself that this is an opportunity.  An opportunity to look at my life and make some serious changes.  An opportunity to get a new perspective.

Here’s what else I did:  I asked myself, “Have you been taking care of you?”

The answer I heard?  “No. Not one bit.”

It’s odd that “this” happened now, because I think in a recent blog post (I don’t go back and read them) I talked about taking a tough situation and making the best of it.  And here I was, in the throes of just that.

In the last few months, I’d forgotten my “space.”  That quiet place in me – where I go to recharge.  It’s not my cave (although I do LOVE my cave).  It’s that place of slowing down.   Of (metaphorically) driving slowly and checking out the scenery.

Look, we all live this way.  It’s a fast paced world and we’re all  moving quickly.  Sometimes with our eyes closed.  We are electronically connected for a million reasons.  But do we ever unplug?  Do we have our breakfast sitting down, reading the paper and not doing 10 other things?  Lately, I haven’t been and I’m going to start.

Maybe this reminder/lesson was for me and maybe it was also to share with you.

Please take the time for you.  Even if for a day or an hour.  Even like the 15 minutes I laid quietly on my bed with my eyes closed but very wide awake.  Find that place for you.  Where you can breathe deeply and connect with your soul.  Take care of it.  It’s the only thing that will hang with you until the day you go.

Have a very, very peaceful day! XO

p.s. I’m ok. Just wide awake now. 🙂

Yesterday a friend asked me if I regretted anything in my life (well, she asked me about something in particular, but I moved away from that to wondering if I had any regrets as all).  Serious and good question.  I thought for a long time and then, as you might expect, I had to say “No.”

There’s no question that there have been many things in my life that didn’t work out as I expected or even as I wanted.  Some of those experiences so painful that they brought me to my knees.  But each of those decisions also brought me to where I am today.  As painful as they were, I’ve grown as a person because of each and every one of them.

One thing I don’t want to do is wish my life away.  If there’s something you really want, you should work as hard as you can to make it work.  If it doesn’t work, then you were meant to go a different direction.  That too is painful but also comfortable, don’t you think?  As the Caribou guy and I agreed –  if you don’t try, and you walk away, you will have regrets.  If you try, and it didn’t work, you can move forward.

The other important point to regret, is understanding that we can’t change the past and we can’t change others.  We can change our circumstances.  We can change ourselves.  We can change our reactions.  And we can change and even burn our negative tapes.  But, we have to let go of situations that are beyond our control … this has likely been my toughest life lesson – letting go.

Living with regrets is living in the past.  The past was over a second a go (and likely overrated!).  I want to (and try to) live by the idea that when one door closes another one opens. That’s the beauty of choice and serendipity.

Let’s not get stuck looking back at closed Door No. 1 so long that we miss out on a new door opening.  It will be different from Door No. 1 — no question.  But, it will be better because you will be moving forward, not looking backward!

Congrats to all the new couples!

Have a wonderful day!

My son recently asked me why I seem excited about everything, even the “stuff” that’s not really exciting to him.  He wanted to know if I also felt that way inside or if it was just on the outside (love the questions of 14-year-old boys!).

I told him that I once read a quote by an unknown author,

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” 

Now, let’s be honest: I am not happy or excited all the time.  But he’s talking about something a bit different.  He’s talking about a sense that I always seem happy.  In his mind, how can one be happy and excited so often?  Great question

So, when he asked me “how” I gave him this:

1. I enjoy the now and never look to tomorrow for happiness. How many ways can we say this?  As weird as it seems, the ability to appreciate what’s in front of us has nothing to do with what we have. It’s about how we choose to see the things in our life.

2. I love smiling and it feels good. Studies have shown that people who express more positive emotions with smiles are more mentally focused, have more successful marriages and enjoy a greater sense of well-being.  Plus, there is no question that feeling joy can improve your health (mental and physical).

3. Notice the details in life. This was the one I really wanted him to understand.  In life, we can get everything we want and still experience life’s highs and lows. If we haven’t learned to enjoy the little things – to notice the details – our well-being will parallel our life’s circumstances. In other words, every time something goes wrong, we’ll feel unhappy, rather than disappointed but able to make the best of the situation.

4. Give up perfection. I used to want to be perfect.  It was exhausting.  Now, I look at every failure as an opportunity to get better.  I feel much happier and less disappointed in myself.

5. Give. Give what ever you can.  If it’s not money, then give support or compassion.  Listening and appreciating someone is one of the best gifts they can receive. And, it feels good to give.

So, I suggested this mantra to him:  How can I be the person I want to be now.  Not tomorrow, not in an hour … now.  Because you never know when your “nows” will run out (and you want to get in as many as you can!).  I think this feeling – of happiness, of joy – is motivating and contagious.  I love being around people like that – don’t you?

I hope he gets what I’m saying.  And, I hope you have a very happy and wonderful day!

Last night I had dinner with a good friend. We talked about what men and women want in their relationship.  I started to think about it afterwards and realized (& I could be wrong) that what men and women want is not all that dissimilar.  In fact, what they want is more similar than dissimilar.  Here’s my take away from last night’s conversation:

1. Respect. You don’t have to agree with all that your partner says or does, but try to honor their opinions or feelings as valuable contributions to the relationship.  Not doing so will only make them feel worse.  When your partner asks for something – avoid the defensive response and try the, “Thanks for sharing that with me.  I want to make it better,” response.  It’s the golden rule – treat others as you would like to be treated: Be fair, kind, attentive and loving.

2. Intimacy (physical).  Everyone needs it.  It’s not just for men!

3. Romance. This should be a no brainer but it’s easy to forget.  Date nights, that card or bouquet of flowers.  Men and women like these things and they make us feel that love for one another.

4. Support.  Nothing feels better than having your partner cheer you on for something you’re doing – whether a race, some goal you set, some difficulty in your life or something at work. Be there and be present.

5. Communication.  Women are more vocal creatures than men. Women like to hear things.  Like, “I love you.”  Or “thanks for dinner (coffee/doing the laundry/ etc).  Men communicate more through activities – the things you do together.  So make sure both are happening.

6. Time. Time is difficult in this 21st century relationship-thing.  Honestly, I think most people would say that making time is more important than the fancy gifts or love letters (although don’t stop those coming – for those enlightened folks who do that!).  Finding ways to make your partner a priority says “I love you” all over it!

7. Being Positive.  Nothing is better than a partner that is positive about who you are, what you’re doing, the relationship and life.  My friend mentioned that his partner’s excitement about life is one of the things he loves the most about her! Think about it. Who wants the alternative to positive in a partner?

Easy to write (and read) … Now for the implementation!

Have a really wonderful day!

And to my friend, whose husband had surgery last night, I’m praying for you both.

I learned a few valuable lessons yesterday when I freaked out in the middle of my one mile lake swim (during a 1/3 Ironman Relay).  Here are those lessons learned, in no particular order:

1. Never, I mean never, do something new on race day.  I spent most of Saturday worrying about the predicted temps for Sunday morning.  I was scheduled to get in the water at 7:30 a.m. with the air temp at 47.  I don’t swim with a wet suit, yet I realized that I would likely be too cold to swim without one.  A friend lent me hers the night before, I tried it one (my kids said “Mom, you look beast!”) and thought I was good to go.  it was still cold in the morning, but the suit was keeping me warm.  As I ran into the lake at 7:30, it only took me 1/4th of a mile to realize that I was never going to make it with the wet suit.  I was having a difficult time breathing and was freaking out (never happens to me).  I waived to a guy in a kayak and he came over.  I told him I had to take off the wet suit.  He smiled and said the temps in the water were fine and to go ahead (yea, right.  He was in a boat with a winter jacket and hat!)  It took me close to five minutes to gently get it off over the chip around my ankle (while I’m in the water, cuz you can’t get out) and off I went to finish my swim.

2. Sometimes, it is just too cold to swim (for me). Sadly, I was so cold by the time I got the suit off that just never got back on track.  I did finish but almost 8 minutes off my regular time.  My partner likely thought I had drowned, given how late I was!

2. Seat heaters in cars really do work but when you have lake weed on your butt from a swim, it bakes into the leather seat.  I ran to my car, my jaw hurting from teeth chattering, after giving the chip to my partner.  I turned on the car and sat there for an hour with the heat blasting trying to warm up before my 9 mile run.  BTW – Lake weed can be scraped off leather – thankfully.

3. Never forget chapstick when in the sun.  I look like I’ve got Katy Perry lips today (see, I’m not that old!).

4. Drink Chocolate Milk.  All I could stomach after my swim was my chocolate milk.  The milk (and my sheer determination to get the hell out of Dodge) resulted in my fastest 9 mile run ever.

5. There’s a story in (almost) everything I do these days!

So, that’s my freaking day yesterday. I’m just glad to be done and taking a day off!

Have a fun day!

I am really, really good at being defensive.  In fact, painfully so.  Yet, at those moments when I am being defensive (and get stuck), I really do know that I am sending the wrong message to my partner or kids that their ideas or experiences or even feelings are wrong (and that I’m right).  This is not the person I want to be.

In the “old” days, it made sense that we needed to defend our honor or our family when being attacked.  But, we’re a bit more evolved now, right?  Looking at my own history (because why should I point out anyone else’s history??), I am defensive when I don’t feel safe or feel attacked. So, I pick up my sword (which is quite sharp) and attack.  Nothing positive is going to come from this scenario.

Isn’t it easier to point out how someone else needs to change rather than look at our own s***.    We think that pointing out what is “wrong” with someone will result in a change that we want.  Yet, I (maybe we) often forget that: people only change when they want to, not when we want them to.

I read a great analogy once – relationships are like a baby mobile, if you tug on one side, everything changes.  Tug at the other side, and you get a completely different result.  I totally agree.   If we shift our behavior, our partner (or child/friend) will have to shift their behavior in response.  Try shifting it the opposite way, and it will change.

I’ve been in some defensive conversations lately and here are a few things I think will help deal with my (our?) defensive behaviors:

1. Keep track of when and where we become defensive.  What is setting me or us off? Awareness is critical.

2. When I feel I’m getting into a defensive mode, I ask questions rather than expressing my frustrations.  Better to be sure I understand before talking!

3. Try to listen more and know that I will get my thoughts out at some point but it doesn’t have to result in my interrupting someone else out of fear that I won’t be heard.

4. I (try) not to demand anything – not even an apology.

5. Remember that the end goal is not just for someone to win or be right.  But, for everyone to feel good about the result.

So, I hope you have a wonderful start to your weekend and if in Minnesota — stay warm!