theyearof50

Pleeeaaase — wikiHow has a whole page on the subject of how to look someone in the eye … It even has “how-to” steps: (1) relax (ok, with you on that one); (2) concentrate on just one eye (this sounds odd); (3) avoid staring (we are making eye contact – won’t we be staring?);  (4) listen (good); (5) show eye magnetism (what the heck is that??); and (6) smile with your eyes.

Yesterday at the boys’ conferences I noticed how painful it was for them to look at the teacher who was giving them their “report.”  I had to do the two-fingers-to-the-eye gesture so many times that I started hitting my glasses and leaving finger marks!

Why is this so difficult??  We all know that eye contact is an important aspect of communication. It makes us come across as more engaged, friendly, and confident. Also, it provides us with non-verbal information about what the other person is thinking and feeling. All of which is missed by looking down or away (as my boys did yesterday).  Another benefit is that making eye contact forces you to put some of your energy into focusing on other people, which means you are less likely to drift off and totally lose the conversation (sound familiar?).

Someone once told me that when I speak to large groups it appears as if I am talking directly to each person.  I do try to make eye contact and move around the room when I’m speaking but it’s usually to ensure that people aren’t falling asleep (and then I talk louder when I get near the sleeping individual!).

Recently, some researchers were looking at why direct eye contact with someone gives us that feeling of a special connection.  Interestingly, they believe they’ve found “eye cells” in the part of the brain that processes emotions and social interactions.  This finding could help those with autism and schizophrenia, which affect eye contact and social interactions.  So many fascinating things happening out there!!!

In any case, this is one of those social etiquette-things (a skill worth cultivating) that I push on my kids (yea, what’s new?).  They think that making eye contact is “awkward” and “scary.” I’m sure the scary part comes when I am “raising” my voice at them and want their FULL eye-contact attention!  I know that you parents KNOW what I’m talking about!

Have a great start to your weekend!

It’s conference time at the kids’ school.  Yesterday was my daughter’s conferences and, if you don’t know this already, she has an auditory processing issue.  It was a struggle for her until 6th grade.  From that point forward (and now in the upper school) we hear the same things about her (all good) with one important emphasis … she’s a great self-advocate!  I love that comment about her because I know how critical that skill is for life.

Self-advocacy is the ability to understand and effectively communicate one’s needs to other individuals.  Self-advocacy used to be a term applied to adults with disabilities, but more recently the focus has been placed on teaching this skill to preteens and teenagers.  This skill is important so that kids can learn how to (in a positive way) have their needs met in school, at home, with friends and in life.

For their first years, we are our child’s best advocate.  We work hard to protect them from the harsh realities of life and we help them find their way with minimal harm.  However, it is critically important to teach children to learn to advocate for themselves – to prepare them for the day when they are on their own (you mean there will be such a day?!).  We can teach them how to study, take tests and clean their rooms but positive self-advocacy is difficult to teach and harder to learn.

There is a lesson here for us adults too because most of us don’t do a great job of positive self-advocacy.  We may know what we want and need but we don’t put it out there – we don’t express it and then we (or our partners) become frustrated.  When our needs aren’t met (obviously because no one knows what we need), we become even more frustrated … not the most positive process!

This journey of self-advocacy, self-education, and self-exploration is ongoing and knowledge is the key to this process.  Think about it … like most things, the more you know, the better you understand and the easier it is to explain to someone.  Thus, the goal is to get better at knowing yourself and your needs and then presenting those needs in a positive way, so they can be met!  I give that same message to my kids: Know who you are, what you need (not what you want but what you need) and then tell (whomever) in a clear and positive manner.

As expected, my kids are ahead of me on the emotional IQ scale and clearly have this self-advocacy thing down (believe me, they are very good at self-advocacy at home!).   Yet again, I realize that I’ve got my work cut out for me!

Do a little self-exploration today!

Yesterday I got a chance to briefly chat with four friends.  And, while those experiences were short (two in person, one FB and one on the phone) it reminded me how incredibly important those connections are to feeling happy.

First, I connected with our old nanny (an oh-so-important person in our lives).  It was quick FB messaging about our upcoming day and the craziness of raising kids.  It set the tone for my day!  Then, I had lunch with one of my closest friends.  It was at a bagel place – I only had 45 minutes.  We connected, chatted about a few things and, as usual, we laughed out loud a number of times.  Perfect!

Next, I talked to a friend while we were watching our boys play soccer.  In between cheering them on, we caught up on the trials and tribulations of being a mom … as, as you might expect, we shared all the “intel” we could on the status of the girl/boy thing at school!  Finally, my friend from NM called.  She’s one of the best writers I know and is continually reassuring me that I am not failing miserably with this blog thing.  I, in turn, try to take every opportunity I can to tell her how cool I think she is (she is super cool!)

Whether it’s at work, at home or among friends, building and maintaining relationships is one of the most important parts of life.   I once read Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford To Live Without, in which the author, Tom Rath, analyzed friendships.  I recall he found a number of things including that married people reported that in the marriage, friendship was five times more important than physical intimacy and that only 1 in 12 people reported that they felt engaged at work unless they had a “best friend” there.  Not surprising, right?

I know you all are as busy as I am and finding time to get together is incredibly difficult (and stressful).  But we also know that whatever the connection time is, if it feels authentic — there is nothing better.  Last month I mentioned seeing a number of friends at back-to-school night.  I hugged many people I hadn’t seen all summer … no big conversations … all it took was a quick hug and the mutual knowledge of the strength of the connection – we’ll find a time to catch up!

So, to all my friends (and that’s likely all of you reading this!) you are at the top of my list in terms of making my life/world a better place.  Thank you so much! No wonder my kids are always wanting to hang out with their friends!!!!

Connect with a friend today!

I think I need a vacation.  It’s been almost two years since I had a weekend away – sans children (well, I did drive to St. Paul for dinner one night but I’m not counting that one).  Here are the things that make me think a vacation must occur – and soon:

1. I find myself looking at my friends’ (and strangers) FB pages to check out their vacations;

2. I find myself thinking I’m on a staycation when the laundry is done, dishes are clean, house is picked up, bills are paid, homework is completed, the fridge is restocked and I don’t have to drive someone for at least 1/2 hour;

3. I find that when my home phone rings, and I don’t know who it is, I pick it up and hang it up all in 1/2 a second;

4. I find myself a bit (understatement) frustrated when someone gets on the elevator to go down one floor (makes me crazy just writing it!);

5. I realize there is no one left who wants to take a vacation with me;

6. I find myself falling asleep at 3 p.m., regardless of location (no wonder! read #2);

7. I notice that finding a time to work out is almost as stressful as not working out;

8. I find that my assistant seems much happier and productive when I am not in the office;

9. I find that my kids seem much happier and productive when I am not at home;

10. I find myself writing a blog post about needing a vacation

So, what’s the plan?  IDK (as they say).  All I know is this:  taking time away from the stresses of daily life give us the break we need so that we can return to our lives refreshed and better equipped to handle whatever comes our way.  It helps job performance, our relationship with our partner (as long as the kids stay home), helps relieve stress and generally keeps us healthy.

I’m convinced … I need a vacation.  The next issue is where, when, how and with whom.  Whew – I might need a vacation from planning the vacation (or, at the very least, a travel agent)!

Take some time to recharge your batteries today!

My kids and I don’t see eye-to-eye on the need for “family time” (why am I not surprised?).  With multiple kids, getting them all together (or even getting them to want to be in the same room/house/planet) can be difficult.

Yesterday I told the kids I wanted us to have more family time.  The comments I heard were: (1) “We live together, why do we need family time?”  (2) “I think I’ve had enough of my family for right now.”  (3) “Mom that just sounds so awkward.” and the ever accurate (4) “You mean time where you talk and we listen?”  Yea, this was going to go over very well.

Here are my ideas for family time – they don’t seem all that awkward to me:

1. Breakfast together. Once a week I agree to go all out on breakfast – french toast, eggs, bacon, the whole thing!  Given our schedules, it likely means that I am going to have to force someone out of bed early (a dangerous proposition) or get up early myself … I think the latter is more likely.

2. · Dinner out. Once a week we will plan a dinner out.  When I suggested this, the verbal sparring began. “Who is going to pick the place?”  “I never get to got to the place I like.”  “What night? What time?”  I got tired just listening to the chatter and decided to table this one (pun intended).

3. Friday night dinner at home (or Sunday, if necessary) with a theme – like Chili Night or Thai night or Make Your Own Dinner Night (mom’s favorite!).  We usually have other kids over one of those nights and the kitchen turns into an eating and cooking extravaganza.  It’s family night – plus size.

Given the statistics regarding kids (particularly teens) eating with their families as a preventative measure to drug/alcohol abuse and eating disorders for girls, how can I go wrong?  Plus, aren’t they supposed to like being together … they are siblings!!???   We’re going to try this out and see how it goes.  I’ll keep you posted (no pun intended).

Have a great start to the week!

This morning, just as I finished my post, my computer gave me the color wheel.  I knew what I had written was gone.  My post was about being thankful.  I’m not feeling very thankful right now so I am going to write about patience (of which I have almost none right now!).

Patience is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It’s the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties.  Patience comes from the latin word pati, which means to suffer, to endure, to bear (my kids are in latin … don’t think I knew this on my own!)

When I was a teacher, patience was my first, middle and last name.  Then, I became a lawyer.  The word patience was wiped from my brain (all practical things are wiped from our brains in law school). What came next? Kids and a husband.  Talk about needing patience!

Developing more patience has been a recent goal of mine.  I’m sure my kids and close friends think I’ve done nothing in this area but I prefer to say that I’m progressing slowly.  Here are a few tricks I’ve used in this process (and until this morning, it was going quite well!):

1. I try (operative word) to establish a patience day once a month (it was once a week but I lost patience with that goal!).  This is a day where I am intentional about the patience I exhibit with others and myself.  It really is much like exercise, I don’t always like to start but I love it when I am finished!

2. Slowing down has been a goal of mine too (to my close friend from yesterday’s discussion — no laughing here!).  Moving fast can be a sign of impatience and while I admit that my efforts have been small and incremental, I do acknowledge the need to slow down.  Not everyone has to move at warp speed (including me!).

3. Listen and think before I talk.  This is a sign of patience that is often overlooked.  It’s the ability to pause and have the presence of mind to listen rather than blurt out an opinion, thought or solution.  I did a horrible job of it last night with one of my sons.  I was tired, not on a patience day and just lost my cool.  If we pause and think about what is likely to come out of our mouths, we can avoid hurting someone’s feelings – even if inadvertent.

So, my blog on thankfulness will have to wait.  Maybe that was the lesson for today anyway …

Have a calm and peaceful day!

This week I was asked, what not-so-good traits I have passed on to my kids.  Yikes!  While I’ve thought about it over the years, I’ve never had to say it out loud!!!  Plus, I’ve got so many, where was I supposed to start?

First, I suggested that the part about me where I take on the weight of the world … internalizing other people’s plights … that’s one that I wish the kids didn’t take on  to my extreme.  Of course, I want them to be compassionate (thankfully they are) but sometimes I go overboard (my close friends know what I’m talking about!).  The joke with my kids is that when I die they are going to put on my headstone, “She cared more about the poor people than her own children.”  If that’s the worst they can think of then go for it!

Second, I had to admit to my foul mouth.  Yes, I do have a tendency to use a few choice words .  When one of my sons was younger, he picked this trait up.  I would beg him not to say “those” words in front of his grandfather (my ex-father-in-law —- a retired pastor).  I figured that would just confirm their opinion of the “mother.”  Nothing like a 3 year-old swearing at his grandparent’s house.  My son has since cleaned his act up … I have not.

Third, I am Italian.  This really needs no explanation – but I’ll give it anyway.  While I am very passionate about people, issues, food, almost anything … I am also known to have a bit of a quick temper.  In my defense, I must say that I am quick to apologize – but that wasn’t the question I was asked.   As I write this I realize that the one kid who got this trait rarely exhibits it … I guess he’s figured out how to manage his passion with his understanding of appropriate behavior … What’s my problem still?

I could go on and on (I think I have done enough damage to your opinion of me) but I have to admit, it was an interesting exercise.  It’s caused me to pay a bit more attention to my own behavior and to focus more on the traits I want them to take … like how I neatly fold towels and put them away, how to load the dishwasher (and start it for goodness sakes!), and how not to burp with their mouths open … I’ve got a long way to go.

Have a great day!

I have a problem (yea, I’ve got lots but only one I’ll discuss today).  I like to eat the same foods.  I guess you could call it an eating rut, habit, routine or even an addiction.  It’s like my all black wardrobe (I’ll chat about that another time!), I like having my same whole wheat waffle and milk for breakfast, then my yogurt and crackers before lunch, my piece of chocolate is a must have after lunch, etc., etc.

True confessions: while most people get hooked on stuff like — burgers and fries, chips and soda, popcorn, coffee, chocolate, even processed cheese squirted from the can (yea, that was me as a kid) – now, I am hooked on kale.  I put kale on my morning crackers, kale salads, kale on my sandwiches, steamed kale … I even found myself switching off between bites of kale and last night’s popcorn!

Looking back, I had an addiction this spring to mangos.  At my favorite store, they were 5 for $5 and I would buy so many that there was no room left in the fruit drawer for the kids’ fruits!  It got so bad that in bringing some to work, I just shoved them in my brief case, only to find mango juice seeping out of one of my files … I went a little overboard.

Many people would be bored stiff by my repetitive eating habits.  I suppose, the answer to my “routine” lies in my personality (I’m only on day 39 of this blog and I just continue to admit my bad traits!).   Look, if I am going to develop “routines,” (read – addictions) I wish they were more productive; like taking vitamins every day or putting my clothes away each night instead of throwing them on a chair due to sheer exhaustion.  How about a routine of getting my car cleaned before someone marks on it “Wash Me!”  or even getting my nails done each week (that’s the addiction I want!)?   No, I have to be addicted to kale.  Again, just another subject for therapeutic intervention.

Have an adventuresome day!

Last night I had dinner with a couple of friends.  They’ve been married for a number of years.  We got to talking about how they met, what happened at the beginning, the middle and where they are today.  It was fascinating and real.

As a casual (not so much) observer of marriages over the last 10 years and as someone who assumes that she will (don’t hold your breath) get married someday, I have some thoughts on what the outsider (ok, divorced person) sees in those relationships that appear strong.  Please allow me to make a few observations:

1. What you put in is what you get out.  When you give more you get more.

2. Communication is key.   “They” say that 7% of all communications in a relationship are verbal.  The rest of the “communications” are actions.  I believe them.

3.  A view (by both parties) that the relationship needs constant attention and work.  It is not easy (or fun) sometimes.

4.  Both are affectionate with one another and show that they care – it’s often the little things that seem to make the difference.

5. Be accepting.  We all make mistakes.  Forgive rather than berate.

I read an article recently on the four things that failed marriages have in common (no it wasn’t a Yahoo article!).  Interestingly (and not surprising) they all have to do with communication.

1. Criticism.  He said criticism is close to complaining, but different in that it goes to the very nature of the person in question. Criticism begins by saying “YOU are…. (fill in the blanks)” while a complaint starts the sentence with “I…(need, don’t like, feel bad, etc.)”

2. Contempt. This is insulting your partner by hostile humor, subtle put-downs and negative body language, such as sneering and eye rolling.

3. Defensiveness. Our immediate response to thinking we are being attacked is to react defensively – yet it escalates the conflict.  This looks like denying responsibility, making excuses, or arguing with the other person before listening to their position – this last one is critical.

4. Stonewalling.  He said that the most devastating factor was this one.  This occurs when one partner shuts down and erects a brick wall to end the argument rather than find a solution. He claimed that men do this more than women (no argument guys!).

So, in keeping with my exploration of life, love, communication and just plain survival, I think these things (the good and the bad) fit for all our relationships.  So, why do we pay a bit more attention to some rather than others?  I guess that’s a topic for another day.

Love your partner/kids/friends today!

Recently, my sons ganged up on me refusing to allow their sister to go somewhere – saying I was too strict … (bring it on, I thought!).  They say I have the toughest rules.  When they were little and accused me of this I would say, “When you weigh as much as me, you can make some rules.”  Can’t use that one any more.  Then I went to, “When you are taller than me, you can be in charge. ”  Nope, not that one either.  Now, I have resorted to, “This is my house and I make the rules.”  Very democratic of me, right?

You decide. Here are my top 5 house rules:

1. Pick up your room.  Yes, it’s true.  I do ask them to pick up their room.  When they start paying me rent I may loosen my grip on seeing the carpeting under all the clothes on the floor — how can they even tell what’s clean???

2. No TV or games during the week unless all homework and lessons are done and even then I may say, “go read a book.”  My kids tell me that every other parent allows their kids hours of TV and game playing.  Most days I just want to throw the electronic devices out the window (unless the Badgers are playing).  Is anyone with me on this?

3. Take your head phones out of your ears when I am talking, during a meal and when you are going to the bathroom.  Look, they aren’t listening to me even when they don’t have those things shoved in their ears.   I just want the illusion of some attention.  Is that too much to ask?

4. Toilet seat down when you are done.  Do I really need to justify this one?

5. I had a rule about sounds coming from their bodies.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  My son used to argue that he had to let the “sounds” out of his body because he was sure that if he didn’t they would make him sick.  He was 3 at the time.  He’s still saying it.  Sometimes you just can’t argue with the logic of a kid.

Have a wonderful day!