theyearof50

I met this guy yesterday.  The Bike Guru.  He’s helping fit my bike because I’ve had physical issues riding it (and some mental ones from my accident … long story!).  He looked fit and I figured he was a biker or triathlete.  So, in true form, I started to ask this guy questions about his life.

He tells me that he once was a big runner and biker, “I loved running.”  He was also big into yoga – a teacher trainer.  He knew my friend (the only real yogi I know). He talked about defining his life by his athletic pursuits.  While I couldn’t relate to that, because I’ve been a geek my whole life, I could feel how much he loved that part of his life.

Then all of a sudden I realized he’d paused.  I looked up and he had a quiet look on his face.  He told me that he now suffers from a neurologic disease which prevents any of those athletic pursuits (although he did tell me, with a smile, that he can still walk his dog).

Wow.  What a serious life change.  Totally out of his control.  Like those who suffer at the hands of others or who are just affected by “life.”  It made me think that we march along with our lives, thinking all’s good.  A blip here or there but most of us fully expect nothing big will happen (some of us knock on wood a lot too!).  But he reminded me to live in the moment. He says he does.  He says he has to and he tries not to worry about what’s to come.

So, I figure, we have two choices:  (1) Worry about the past and how it will color our future (or let it control our future); and (2) Not.

Seriously, why spend any time worrying about the things that can go wrong? Why spend time regretting the past?  The sun could burn out, wars could start, you could lose a job or even get a neurologic diagnosis.  Any of these things could happen in the next 5 minutes or 10 years or never.  However, once we let go of the fear of what “might” happen we are free to really live in the moment.

So, yesterday was a bike fitting and personal therapy session.  Gotta always try to multitask!

Have a fantastic day!

I guess I can’t really say that I was starving.  Hungry, yes, but starving – no.  Yesterday was a regular day, albeit feeling a bit tired.  My 1 mile swim could have been longer and faster but I didn’t feel like it.  I went to visit my dad, went to work and out to lunch.  I had a salad with some salmon.  Talked with my lawyer/friend on the phone in the afternoon. Nothing out of the ordinary.

By 4:30 I was feeling weird.  Hungry. I grab some almonds from my desk but that doesn’t seem to be enough.  I decide by 5 to leave and go home, have dinner and head to the baseball field.

As I’m driving home, my hunger gets worse.  I’m talking on the phone and I realize that I’m having trouble concentrating.  I get off and focus on my driving.  All I can think about is what I can quickly make to eat when I get there.

I pull into the garage and realize that I can’t even take the time to unload the car … I’ve got to get some food.  I literally leave my purse and phone in the car (unheard of for me).  I can hardly focus on what I am doing.

I get in and eat.  I have two pieces of toast with peanut butter, a salad and some milk (plus a cookie).  I start to feel better.  Then it hits me … and I begin to feel sick and my eyes tear up.

This is what it must be like.  This is how it feels for those people who can’t run home and get food.  Those that don’t have money.  Those people who really are hungry or starving.  How can they learn?  How can they concentrate?  How can life feel ok when they are so hungry?  That singular feeling of being hungry is overwhelming.  How have I missed that before?  It’s not like there haven’t been other days when I was hungry.

I’ve got to pay more attention and keep my eyes open.  I’ve got to stay present and remember, and remind my children, how incredibly fortunate we are to be able to open our refrigerator, have a glass of fresh, cold milk, make a sandwich and have a bowl of ice cream.  I always knew that, but now I have very strong feeling about it too.

Let’s make a point today of being thankful for what’s in our house.  Our ability to get up, feed ourselves and our children and enjoy our day without being focused on hunger.  Maybe one or more of us will find a way to make a difference in that regard for someone else.

Hmm, that was some lesson on what seemed like a very ordinary day.

Have a wonderful Thursday!

One of my boys will often come up for breakfast humming a song. Before I know it, I too have the same song in my brain.  He choses songs like the Sponge Bob theme or the other day is was Rain Drops Keep Falling on my Head (Really?  Isn’t he too young for that?).  Mainly, he hums holiday music – something he does all year round – which really drives me crazy!

So, I’m going to pay it forward!  Here’s what I hope you all sing today!!!

(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It’s easy

There’s nothing you can make that can’t me made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love, all together now
All you need is love, everybody
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
Love is all you need
Love is all you need
Love is all you need

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Beatles/_/All+You+Need+Is+Love

All You Need Is Love – The Beatles

Have a LOVELY day!

I had one of those days.  Example: when I drove into my office parking garage at 5:50 p.m., last night there was a long line in front of me … not moving.  I eventually honked my horn (I’m late for a dinner).  I figured someone was having trouble getting a ticket.  A woman comes running up to my car to tell me that she is just waiting for the ticket clock to turn 6:00 p.m., so she can get the lower evening parking rate and did I mind waiting in line another 10 minutes for that to occur!  Seriously????

It was also a day where I heard some “new” sayings (and a couple that are just annoying):

He’s very generic (a friend said it about someone we mutually know).  What does that mean?  He’s not as good as other people?  He’s a copy that is cheaper and has the same effect?  Who calls people generic?  What happened to Plain Jane?

He’s all hat and no cattle (whispered from the clerk at Caribou regarding some guy who was talking too much, resulting in me waiting in line).  Hmm, must be from Iowa  or Texas.  This apparently is a real phrase.  It’s describes a person that is all talk and no substance.  I’m not likely to use this one.  Plus, I don’t eat beef.

That’s just lip service (about some lawyer who was pretending to agree with me when he really didn’t agree – shocking!). Some of you may not know this but my maiden name is Lipsky. So, as a kid, anything with the word “lip” resulted in a new nickname for me.  I was a quiet high schooler but I would often hear, “Hey, lip service,” when I walked by a group of teenage boys (who are known for stupidity).   I don’t always think it always had a clean meaning.

I’m just saying (ESPN radio).  This is the worst!  It’s really like an emergency exit at the end of every rude, crude or stupid sentence.  It’s like “but,” only dumber.  It invites the listener to discount what’s just been said … even as we’re reeling from the stupidity of the first comment.  The Urban Dictionary website explains that the phrase makes it “possible to deliver a rude comment or burn and have it bounce off simply as an opinion disguised as an objective opinion, and who can argue with you over an opinion that you don’t apparently support.”   How about this one –  “What if Moses had told Pharaoh, ‘Let my people go! Just saying!'”  Enough said.

Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get (a close friend who said that she’d clearly been in the bath longer than me! I needed an explanation).  Love this!

That, my friends, rounded out a day filled with meaningless and somewhat stupid statements!  Honestly, what’s new?  I am an attorney after all!

Have a wonderful day!

p.s. Guess my request for a wife in yesterday’s blog was spot on!!! 🙂

The combination of my job, the house, paying bills, it being May and just plain being a mom is making me crazy and I need a wife.  Well, if I can’t have a wife (at least not yet anyway) then I’m going to move to the next level of help – my children.

The good news is that I have three of them.  The bad news is I’m going to have to commit some time to training them.  There’s going to be a learning curve.  There will be frustration.  And most certainly, there will be things ruined and broken.

People always told me to teach my kids early to help around the house and I thought I did.  Yet, here I am with teenagers – two of whom are still in the roll and shove phase of putting their clothes away and one who just doesn’t want to put them away until the 10th time that I’ve asked!

So, I’m going to have to find a way to make this transition easier.  I’ve started by making a list of the chores each week (I got a stomach ache just looking at how many there were!!!!!)

With that in mind, here are the tasks I want to assign to my children:

Folding laundry.  I know there will be a day when the boys will want to wear clothes that are not completely wrinkled and we need to start now in the learning-to-fold department.  Their rendition of folded towels would make anyone cringe.  This one needs work.

Unloading and loading the dishwasher.  I’ve been a bit territorial about my dishwasher.  I’m not sure where the comes from but I like it loaded a certain way.  I’m going to have to let go of that “issue” and just show them the efficient way and hope for the best.  I’m buying extra glasses just in case.

Food preparation.  I’m scared.  Scared of what they might cook.  Scared of what they might do with the stove.  Scared of what I might be forced to eat. And, scared of the clean up.  But this is a biggie – they need to learn to cook.  I am going to give each kid a night.  They have to create a menu.  No canned soups or packaged rice to heat in the microwave.  I’ll take them shopping, let them get ingredients and off we’ll go.  What happened to the days of Home Economics in school?  Even the boys learned to do a bit of cooking and sewing!

Beds.  Yesterday I stripped and remade the beds.  What was I thinking?  This is a no brainer.

So, I’ll give it a whirl and will keep you posted on the outcome. If you get a call from me wanting to go to lunch or dinner (near a laundry mat), please accept.  I may be desperate!

Have a great day!

It’s been a struggle to keep my head clear about motherhood lately.  The news has been filled with horrific tragedies against young people – some mother’s child.  Our collective hearts have been broken, our stomaches sickened and our sadness replaced (partly) with joy of their return or having found them.  Being a parent in these situations is (thankfully) beyond our wildest dreams.

Parenting is the single toughest job we will have.  These will be our biggest highs and some of our toughest lows.  When they are young, we have some semblance of control.  As they get older, however, we have less control and we are supposed to let go.

This, my friends, is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done – letting go.

Yes, my mother dying was horrible.  And, at a time when the boys were 6 weeks and my daughter 2 … it was almost indescribable.  But, there I was forced to let go.  I had no choice.  And, I suppose one could argue that I have no choice here … that I have to let go.  Let them mature into adults.  But it requires action on my part.  It requires me to do some hard work.

As I was talking with my daughter on the phone yesterday (about her going away next weekend), I started crying.  I tried to keep it quiet, but she knew. “Mom,” she said, “If it’s too hard for you, I can stay here.  It’s fine.”  (Ahh, the wisdom of 16!)   I tell her it’s ok but that my heart is breaking about how quickly it’s all going, how joyous I feel about her opportunities and how hard it is for us moms to just let go.  (I’m sobbing by this point).   The truth is, sometimes I feel lost in the midst of these inevitable changes.  I can hear in her voice and in her heart that she will remember this very conversation, when it’s her turn.

My boys are in those middle school years and it’s tough for them and me.  I can honestly say that when I look back on my life, there are three years I would not like to redo — middle school!  Yet, with all the talking back, the driving, the worrying about school, social life, etc., it’s great to watch them grow up, to hear the deeper voices, (to get a hug once in a while!) and watch them explore who they are as people! I love this part of momhood.

So, it’s Mother’s Day.  An awkward day because my mom is gone.  A day where my kids want to do nice things and recognize me, which is very nice.  But, I don’t really need a Mother’s Day – I love (almost) every day as a mom.

What I do want for this day and every day, is for them to have a strong moral compass, to feel good about themselves, be happy and safe and to do good things in the world.   That’s the dream we all have for them  — from the moment they are born until the moment we are no longer together on this earth and beyond.

Have a wonderful Mother’s Day!  XOXO

Yesterday, I heard that a lawyer in town said something quite mean about me (no love lost there and I recently beat him on a case that he felt strongly about).  Instead of asking what was said or confronting the person, I simply said – “Well, I’m sure he feels bad losing to a woman.”  All true but what were my real feelings?  I didn’t really feel sorry for him other than that he can’t see the world through his own ego-filled lenses.  Yet, I pretended to feel sorry for him.  Why wasn’t I direct about my thoughts?

When I read this Lily Tomlin quote, I immediately thought of lots of conversations I’ve had over the years.  Those conversations where I wanted to be nice, but was not really saying what I wanted to say.  That’s the Minnesota nice way, eh?

In another conversation this week, a friend and I discussed the definition of direct.  Sometimes people operate under the guise of direct when they’re really being passive aggressive or just plain mean.  Some people know how to nicely but firmly share their thoughts and feelings — which is tough to do.  I want to do the latter.  So, my question to myself was:

Do I say what I mean and mean what I say in a positive way?

Some of us have been trained in the art of sugar-coating or “verbal dancing.”  We dance around a subject without really getting out the point we are trying to make.  We think we will get what we want this way, but we don’t.

Sometimes we’re just afraid to rock the boat (happens a lot in the work environment).  We think that if we just push our own needs out of the way, the situation will work better.  After all, how could we survive if people didn’t like us or like what we are saying??

But here’s my thought on this:  every time I’m not straight forward and nicely direct, I diminish my self-worth.  I give away my power, my needs and my self.  I allow myself to become resigned to a situation that I’m not happy with and then become resentful, frustrated or I just leave and go elsewhere.

We need to decide if we feel better spinning our words out of fear of repercussion or do we want to calmly and clearly state our needs and desires and not worry about rejection.  If we are rejected in this situations or the person becomes angry or defensive, then the person doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to – and we should walk away.  If they listen, then we both retain our power and real work can be accomplished.

I want to leave you with two questions today:

1. What is the price I pay for dancing around my needs? and

2. Is that how I really want to spend my life?

Food for thought.

Have a wonderful day!

Setting:  We need to be to the baseball field by 5.  Boys come home at 3:55 and disappear into the bathrooms.

Me: (Yelling into each bathroom) We’ve got to leave in 45 minutes to get to the game on time.

Them: (No response)

Me: Guys, do you hear me? 45 minutes!

One or both: Okaaaay! (Frustration in their voices).  One says, “I can’t hear you.”   —  (Really??? I am right outside the door!)

Them: Nothing happens.

Me: Guys, we’ve got to leave in 30 minutes and your dinner is on the table.

Them: Silence (Still in bathrooms with headphones).  No one comes out.  I wait a few more minutes.

Me: Guys, we have to leave in 15 minutes. You’ve got to eat, get dressed and put your stuff in the car!

Them:  (A few minutes later, out they come).  They eat and start to get dressed – rather slowly chatting the whole time.

Me: Seriously! We needed to leave 2 minutes ago. What’s going on?

Them: Finally, one gets in the car and yells, “Mom! Let’s go! We’ve got to get going!” (Yea, I’m getting pissed now.)   The other one says, “I’ve still got to put my contacts in!”

Me: What?  No way!  That’s a 5 minute process.  Why didn’t you think of that before?  We’re already late!

Him: Because you didn’t give me enough time to eat!

Me: I walk out.  Smoke coming from my ears.

We get in the car.  No contacts.  I need a workout at the club ASAP.  I start driving.

Me: Listen guys.  This is ridiculous. You two need to pay attention to the time.  You spent 30 minutes in the bathroom and 10 minutes total for eating and getting dressed.

Them: Well, why didn’t you tell us?  How are we supposed to know?  If you would have given us dinner sooner, we could have gotten ready faster.

Me:  (Trying not to pull the car over, because of course, we are late.  The smoke from my ears has now turned to flames).  Why do you make it my responsibility? (We’re all cranky now!)

Them: Isn’t that your job?

Me:  I faint.

Next issue?

Have a great day!

I watched a movie last night – 50 First Dates starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.  The main character, “Lucy” (Barrymore) has almost no short-term memory due to a car accident. She remembers everything up until the time of the accident, but is unable to retain any memory of what’s happened since then. When she goes to sleep at night, she forgets everything that happened that day, and wakes up in the morning thinking it’s the day before the accident

Although the premise is difficult to imagine, the movie has a wonderful metaphor for new beginnings.  It made me think about how much baggage we bring to the start of each new day in our own lives.  How much anger we retain each day and how many things we hang on to and allow to affect us each new morning.

Though we can’t live like Lucy, we can decide to try to wipe the slate clean each morning and start over again.  I read a blog post once that said, “It is often our own refusal to let go and move on that causes the most pain. Each day can be a new beginning if we choose to make it so.”  I totally believe that statement.

As you know, I’ve been looking at myself this year.  Who am I?  What parts are unacceptable or need changing and what parts are those that people close to me love?  I’m finally discovering that after 50 years, maybe I am not that bad!  Sure, I’ve had got some rough patches.  But, I see them and try to acknowledge them.  I also have been trying to start each day happy and as a new beginning.  If my children can get up each morning and seem as if the day is new, why can’t I?

Having fresh thoughts should be doable because everything really is the power of our thoughts and intentions.  The question is, who do we want to be? Do we want to be the forgiving, loving person we should (or can) be (of ourselves and others) or do we want to be the one hanging on to old tapes and really never having a new day?

What about all of you?  Can you start your day as if it were a new beginning?  Are you ready to check your old thoughts?  Can you experience life in a happy and forgiving way from the day before?  I think so.  If we set our mind to it, we can do anything!

Have a wonderful day!