theyearof50

Yes, today is the unofficial first day of summer (really?), and a day off for most Americans. Fire up the barbecue. Do some shopping.  Pools and beaches typically open today, although it was still winter last week.

But we have the day off for a reason. Because we want to celebrate and remember the millions of Americans who have given up their lives for their country. Memorial Day began as Decoration Day in the aftermath of America’s Civil War. Did you know that on this day, the American flag is run all the way up to the peak in the morning, then immediately lowered to half-staff until noon?  The flag is returned to full-staff thereafter.

While we often fill this day up with other things, it’s important that we remind our children why we have this day off.  We must tell them there is no greater sacrifice than a life — a life to protect other lives. My kids, and maybe yours too, think of going into the service as a way to have college paid for them.  The aren’t taught that it is service to the country.  We also need to tell them how critical it is to take care of these men and women when they return home.

I also use this day to remember my grandparents and mom — and others who have passed.  I plant flowers, bring up  a few memories and remind myself why I miss them.  Today, the kids and I are going to spend time together. We’re going to join my tri-group for a family track work out, go out for lunch and plant some flowers at the cemetery and join in on a BBQ later this evening.  My poor daughter has her first final tomorrow morning so she’ll be doing a bit more studying.

Whatever you do, take a moment to remember those who died for their country.   And for those of you who’ve lost someone in service – Thank You.  We know your sacrifice is the ultimate one.

Have a wonderful day.

Here I am, 100 posts left in this year of 50.  I’ve learned so much about myself, being vulnerable and staying present.

I read a column called Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed, who asked her readers “What are you thankful for?”  Post 265 seems like a good place to ask that question:

1.  I am thankful for the ability to be uncomfortable.  It’s in the scary world of discomfort and vulnerability, that I can see the beauty of the world and life around me.

2. The ability to open my heart to accept the raw and the brutal pain of life, but at the same time be selfless and kind.

3. My scars.

4. My mom’s death.  She died in six weeks and, as a result, she only had a few weeks to feel the fear of death.

5. My dad.  I thought he might be a great guy, but it wasn’t until my mom died, that I really began to know him and understand how great he is.  Silver Linings.

6. Second chances, whether deserved or undeserved.  I’m also thankful for the times that I allow myself a second chance – which is not as often as I should.

7. True love.

8. For music and its ability to allow me to be lost in the feeling of it all.

9. For how often I screw up.  When I was younger (49), I was afraid of screwing up.  I’ve learned by screwing up, that I’m neither a good person nor a bad person.  Instead, I am a person whose trying to be the person I want to be. No more and no less.  I would not have realized that fact, were it not for my mistakes.

10. For true friendship.  I’m thankful that I’ve learned that the love of a true friend is as pure as the love of a partner.  And why not?  Isn’t a partner supposed to be your friend first?

10. Balance and more often than not, being out of balance.

11.  For all those people who see me as whole even with all my holes.

12. For those timely kicks in the butt, to move on, make a change and feel the pain and excitement of it.

13. For the fragility of health because it makes us slow down and pay attention.

14. For laughter.  The kind that makes you start crying because it’s so powerful and true.

15. For my kids and the insanity and joy of living with them and learning from them.

What are you thankful for?

Have a great day!

I recall flashing and streaking being big in my day.  There was even a song about it.  It was cool to streak!  I’ve gotten a bit more modest as I’ve gotten older.

Yesterday I went to the club for an early swim. As you know, it has been a tough week in every area of my life – sometimes it just rains and rains.  So, I was looking forward to a quick mile of quiet time.

Getting ready to swim is a bit more complicated than running (where I just lace up my shoes and go).  I need my goggles (prescription), ear plugs, my Packers swim cap, my suit, flip-flops, towels, water bottle and swim gear.

Yesterday was no exception.  I put on my suit, got all my gear and went out to the pool deck.  I put my stuff down and walked over to the drinking fountain.  I bent over, got a drink and walked back to my lane … the farthest one from the fountain.  I was ready to swim.

Just, as I’m about to get in the pool a woman a few lanes down motions me over.  I think maybe I know her.  I don’t have my glasses on nor do I have my prescription goggles, so I’m fairly blind.  Could it be one of my workout friends?

As I get closer she says, “I think you may have a problem with your swimsuit.  I think you have a bit of a hole in the back.”  I gasp.  I then realize that my butt had been feeling cold.  I reach back.  Sure enough, the suit is slit from the top to the bottom.  She looks up at me and sees the blood rush from my face.  She graciously says, “Who cares?  You gotta get your swim done!  It will be fine.”

I take a deep breath.  Could I have any more crazy s*^% this week?  Seriously.

I decide that I don’t care.  I gave birth to twins and in the process had to show more than I cared to, to more people than I cared to.  I had a bad bike accident with stitches in places I don’t want to mention.  So, why not swim with a big gaping slit in my suit?

I just get in and get it done (however, I do notice the guy a few lanes down doing more watching than swimming!).  Whatever.

I’m thankful this week is over.  It was a challenge.  But, I learned a lot about my life and the direction I’m heading and, more importantly, I realized that I really don’t care who sees my butt on any given day.

Welcome to the first holiday weekend of the “summer!”  Make it a great one!

I’ve had a s*^%%# week.  Really filled with “junk” in all areas of my life.  However, I pride myself in being half-full (most days) so, it was ok (and likely all for a reason).

Yesterday I decided to work from home.  I went to the health club over lunch, looking for some relief from my racing mind and practice.  As I walked out of the club, I saw a couple of friends.  I got hugs from each of them and I felt “golden!”

I got in my car and drove out of the parking lot.  As I got on the freeway, I noticed a piece of paper on my windshield under my wiper.  I was shocked that the paper didn’t fly off and I can see it’s a hand written note.  When I get to my destination, I pull the paper off and read it:

I may have scuffed your left rear bumper. My name and number is …  

Please call so I may provide my insurance information.

Wow.  I was floored.  How incredible!  I would never have known about the scuff had he not written the note (mind you, I’ve been hit in that parking lot before with no note, no nothing).  I contemplate what I should do about the car but I know what I want to do about him … I want to call him.  I do.

I tell him how fantastic, really so generous that he would leave me a note.  He said he felt bad and wasn’t sure how much damage there really was.  I thank him profusely and tell him that there is not enough damage to turn anything in.  He tells me if I change my mind, just give him a call.  Amazing, right?

My kids and I talk about this.  Life is full of those times where “no one knows”  or “no one sees” something that happens.  Where we can get away with things that we really, in good conscience shouldn’t.  This guy could have gotten away and chose not to.  It was a nice reminder that there’s honesty and good in the world.  It’s a nice way to start the weekend!

Have a wonderful Friday!

One of my life’s goals is to find balance, my equilibrium.  But, doing so is as elusive as being able to keep my mind clear for even 20 seconds of a meditation.

Think about it: when you’re balanced, you can feel it.  Everything seems to be running smoothly, you feel calm, healthy full of energy.  It’s fantastic, right?  Why can’t we feel it and maintain it all the time?

I read an article in Whole Living expelling the myths of balance.  Here’s my 50 year-old take on a few of their myths and truths.

Last night we went out for dinner.  It was a casual place which was supposed to have good wine.  It was cold and raining as we walked in.  We immediately noticed how empty the place was (first sign).  We decided to sit down and check out the menu.

Our server came up and introduced herself and told us about the wine specials they were having that night.  We decided to start with coffee (we were freezing) and as soon as we said no to the wine, the server seemed shocked, turned on her heels and quickly walked away without any response (second sign).

Being the half-full, former Ground Round server, I wanted to give her a second chance.  When she came to take our order we asked about the fish and the omelet.  “Don’t get your heart set on the fish,” she said.  “We’re out.”  As for the omelet she told us it would take 20 or more minutes because someone was out buying some missing ingredients.  (third sign).

That pretty much did it for me. We ordered a few vegetable dishes and as she walked away, I could see the “I wish I wasn’t here,”  look on her face that would eventually turn to rudeness.  Frankly, at this point I wondered if alcohol would have helped me ignore the attitude of our server!

When I was younger and waited tables, I know full well that the tables that had alcohol usually tipped more (they were also the tables that pinched my butt more and asked for my # — sexual harassment was not on the radar then!).   So, it makes sense to me why a server would not want their customers to order coffee (although a cup of coffee is about $3 anyway!). But this woman didn’t even try to hide her frustration with us.

I didn’t pay the bill but I think we left her only 15%.  I always feel bad doing that and in the days when I would get less of a tip, I usually had to admit to myself that my service could have been better.

Bad servers are out there and you don’t want to get burned (or poisoned or have your food spit on or be spilled on … it does happen!).  There are great servers out there as well so tip the good ones and after the bad ones have boxed your extra food, you can leave your “tip.”

Stay warm today!

I ask myself this question quite a bit.  Most times I say something like, “I just want them to be good people.”  Sometimes, when I ask other people, I hear – “I want my children to have an easier life than I’ve had.”  For me, this statement brings up the notion of an increase monetarily.  I’m not sure I really love that.

When I grew up, we shopped at the Goodwill or the Sears catalogue.  We almost never went out to eat and a treat was a 50 cent cone at the DQ.  I never heard of a private school and 80% of my high school friends never went to college.   I had one purse, two pairs of shoes (tennis and dress) and my mom  (or me) sewed my prom and homecoming dresses.  Clearly, in that way, my kids will have it better than me.  And, that’s ok – to a point.

But, I do want them to be better than me.  I want them to be better people than me.  I want them to care more about others than me. I want them to be more open-minded.  I want them to be happier, to make a difference, way more than I have.  I want them to smile more and to feel like smiling more.  I want them to want to do more in the world – no matter how big or small.

I’m one of those people who sees making a difference in someone else’s life as a source of happiness. I see making the right choice, when the wrong choice would be so much easier, as a source of happiness.  I see being kind to the world around me (and all the people in it) as a source of happiness.

Think about this:  Does a bus driver, who works from 9-5, who makes enough money to get by, but is happy because he gets a lot of time with his children at night and on the weekends, really going to wish that his daughter would grow up to be a lawyer or doctor who spends 80 hours a week working – never having enough time with her family?  I think not. But does he want his kids to be happy, just like he is?  Yes.

Most of us don’t put our job in front of our family.  We likely love our work and have found the right (sometimes) work-life balance.  So, when I think of what I want for my kids, I do want more.   Not with money or houses or things or jobs (although I do, admittedly, want a bit of those things too).

I want them to be more than me.

I want them to live a life rich in family time, rich in good deeds, rich in learning and in doing the “right” thing.  Rich in LOVE.

I know I’m not alone.  Isn’t that what you want for your kids?  Show them this post … or just tell them.

Have a great (dry) day!

The other day, when I picked up the kids, this is what I heard: “My back hurts.” I suck at (whatever sport was being played).” “I am so tired I almost fell asleep in school today.” “I’m sick of so and so.” “I hate when Y happens.” This went on and on until I was about to lose it. (Honestly, sometimes I lose it first and think second).  Instead, I tuned out.  I stopped listening.

I sometimes find this happens in other situations too.  Maybe in the middle of a conversation where I’m just not interested in the topic or where I’m focused on my own stuff, rather than the person whose talking.

So, my question is: If I tune out when I don’t like what I’m hearing or I’m distracted, am I really a good listener?  

I recently read a study where 5,000 adults were polled and asked what they wished their parents had done differently during periods of conflict. The top responses were:

• They wished their parents had listened more;
• They wished they could have talked more about their feelings; and
• They generally wished they had talked to their parents more often.

These results tell me that there’s nothing more empowering than to have someone to talk with and have them listen and acknowledge what you are saying.  (Isn’t this the key argument in relationships … “You don’t listen to me.”?)

Yet, the end result of not listening is more than not hearing.  Not listening results in us saying things we later regret because we hadn’t paid attention to the  words or, better yet, the feelings behind the words (also, a common partnership complaint!).

The other day, when I focused on the feeling behind the kids’ complaints, I could see the comments were really about something totally different from the words.   It was about needing some attention.  They were overwhelmed and in their own way, wanted me to just acknowledge how tough things were at that moment.

This was also the theme of a conversation I had over the weekend … If we could really listen to our partner, without fear or defensiveness, there would be a whole lot less arguing in the world!  Wonder where else that might work??!!

Listening is a learned skill and while I may be a slow-learner, I don’t think I’m a no-learner!  So, with my kids, I’m going to try to pay more attention to the feelings behind the words.  And, in my personal life, I’m going to do the same thing, without my best friends – Fear and Defensiveness – whispering in my ear!

Have a great one!

I found this writing by Deepak Chopra, from the The Chopra Center.  It’s a view of life by looking in a mirror rather than looking outside ourselves.

The essential nature of the universe is the coexistence of opposites. You cannot be virtuous if you do not have the capacity for evil. You cannot be wise if you do not have an inner fool. And you cannot be generous if you do not have a stingy person inside you. In fact, the most enlightened people are those who accept their own ambiguity and full potential for light and dark.  

The measure of your enlightenment is your level of comfort with your own paradoxes.

Everyone we see in the world is a reflection of ourselves and the traits we see most clearly in others are the ones that are strongest in ourselves. This is called the mirror of relationship and it is a powerful tool for emotional freedom.

When we have a strong negative reaction to someone, we can be certain that they’re reflecting traits that we also possess but have been unwilling to embrace. We spend so much time denying that we have a dark side and then end up projecting these denied qualities onto other people. For the same reason, we are attracted to certain people because they have the same traits that we have, only more so.

The Chopra site put together a really cool exercise (which I did last night!) to help “embrace the coexistence of opposites within ourselves:”

Step One: Think about someone you find attractive. On the left side of a piece of paper, list ten or more qualities that you love in that person. Write quickly. The secret is to not give your conscious mind time to edit your thoughts. You can put down as many qualities as you wish, but don’t stop until you have at least ten.

Step Two: Now focus on somebody who totally irritates you, annoys you, or makes you uncomfortable in some way. Why does this person infuriate you so much? On the right side of the paper, list ten or more of their undesirable qualities.

Step Three: Look at your list for the person you find attractive and circle the three qualities that you find most appealing about him or her. Then look at the list on the right side of the paper and circle the three qualities you find most repulsive. Now read the six words you circled out loud. You are all of these qualities.

Once we see ourselves in others, and accept it, we can connect at a much deeper and honest level and at the same time maintain emotional wellbeing.  Sometimes it takes 50 years to get there.

Have a very fulfilling day!

I’ve had issues with police lately.  Nothing like Reese Witherspoon, but a ticket here and a ticket there.  Here’s what’s bugging me:  so many people get away with things that I never could.

For example, my last ticket was because I didn’t use my blinker to make a left hand turn (actually, I had my blinker on but I pulled my steering wheel back and it clicked off).  Seriously, a ticket for that!  I saw at least 20 cars yesterday that must have had their blinkers disconnected! No cops.

I also notice a lot of cars whose speedometer must also be disconnected.  One ticket I got last summer was going 45 in a 40.  Really?  How many of you are driving 40 in a 40?  The year before I got a ticket for going 71 in a 60.  You know what the cop told me when he pulled me over?  “I know Ma’m it seems like not very fast but some days we just pick a number and anyone over that number gets a ticket.  You just got the day of 71.”  Come on!!!

Here’s what I didn’t know:  traffic tickets are a multi-billion dollar industry.   I also didn’t know that you should never pay your first ticket, even if you’re guilty (this seems counterintuitive to me – the rule following attorney).   Here’s another thing that shocked me: fighting a ticket can cost up to $1,000+.  That’s even for failure to use a blinker!

Look, I totally agree that we need to reduce accidents.  And, I agree that there are too many people out there who have forgotten how to drive (or don’t care).  But, why don’t they seem to get tickets and I do??

Now, at 50, I’m the one driving like I’m in my late 80’s (sorry fellow AARP members).  I’m the one you’re honking at on the freeway.  The one whose going 55 in the 55 zone and 30 in the 30 zone.

Driving like this has been a test of my inner strength.  Yesterday, I was honked at for waiting for a pedestrian to go through the cross walk.  Now I can see why there are so many “fingers” being shown out of car windows!

So, be gentle with me when you see me following each and every road rule.  My full and complete stops.  My blinker within 100 feet of the stop sign.  And remember, as you’re getting frustrated with that driver in front of you, he/she (it could be me!) may just have one too many stupid tickets!

Have a safe day!