Category Archives: Uncategorized

As we all know, the constant drive for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting.  Yet, as hard as we try, we can’t turn off those tapes that fill our minds with negative messages like, “I’m not good enough” and “What do people think of me?”

Brene Brown wrote an article, which reminded me that there ‘s no such thing as being perfect – despite all our time and energy trying to achieve perfection.  I agree.

Moreover, I’m not drawn to perfect people – those people who claim they’re perfect and can’t seem to admit or discuss their flaws.  I’m really drawn to flawed people who can admit their flaws.  Those are the truly vulnerable and authentic people I want to spend time … the ones who can admit that their life is messy and imperfect.

I had lunch yesterday with someone who admitted, almost immediately, her imperfections.  It was so refreshing, fun and allowed me to do the same (she may say the reverse happened but who cares??)!

We have this distorted notion that perfection will eliminate the potential pain of blame and judgment.  So, we do this stuff to try to be perfect – to be “good enough.”  We worry about our weight, our hair, whether we will get a particular time in a race, or win a case.  We worry about our marriage being perfect and how our bodies age.   And, we push it on our kids – getting the perfect grades, perfect scores on ACTs, being the best athlete – it’s crazy.

In the past, I’ve cared what other people think of me (still do, of course) but back then, I would only share the “great” stuff.  Maybe because I was afraid someone might not like me if I wasn’t perfect – if they saw the real me.  But, here’s what I’ve learned this year, from all of you and from examining me:

We are not perfect.  We break.  We fall apart.  We make mistakes.  We get sick.

We all need to feel loved.  We are not meant to function alone.  We need each other in good times and in difficult times.

And, even with our mistakes, we are worthy of love.  Not after something happens.  Not after losing 20 pounds or fixing some financial problem.  We are worthy of love now.

We have to be willing to be vulnerable and share our imperfections.

Brown wrote: “If we want to live and love with our whole hearts and engage in the world from a place of worthiness, our first step is practicing the courage it takes to own our stories and tell the truth about who we are. It doesn’t get braver than that.”

This blog – these have been my stories … my imperfections.  And even though I am at post #345 – I have lots more “stories.”  I guess I’m just not perfect!

Have one of those imperfect but learning-opportunity kind of days.

As I inch closer to 51, I’ve found that a few things seem different (some I won’t mention here!).  Here’s my top 20 things that prove to me, that I’m getting old(er), but loving it!!!):

The twinkle in my eye is only the reflection of my bifocals.

My old clothes (from college) are back in style and my daughter thinks they are cool.

I’ve finally got my head together (sort of) and now my body is falling apart.

I am getting too many gray hairs to pluck.

70 sounds young.

I actually look forward to a dull evening, day or hour.

My kids tell me I keep repeating the same story about the price of gas when I was growing up.

My worst enemy is now gravity.

People in my office were born after I got out of college.

I don’t even remember how I became “over the hill.”

I’ve given up all (most) of my bad habits and it still doesn’t help.

I’ve added a bad habit and it does help.

I don’t even recall the last time I laid on the floor to watch a movie.

My kids are no longer shocked when, at 9:00, I say, “I’m going to bed.”

I listen to the 40’s station and my son says to me, “That reminds me how old you are that you like to listen to that music.”

A kid that I babysat as a baby is now playing in the big leagues.

I watch the weather channel – and like it.

I seem to have more patience but maybe it’s that I don’t care anymore!

I’m shopping for long-term care insurance.

I can recall the name of my second grade teacher but I can’t remember why I’m standing at the open refrigerator door.

A late night for me is now 11:00 p.m.

Since 50 is over the hill, I assume turning 51 and beyond is sliding down hill, making the descent easier and more fun!  Now, since this oldster just slept through an alarm (which she actually set for p.m. rather than a.m.!), she’s going to get her sorry a*** out for a run so she can keep a bit of her youthful self!

Have a fantastic day!

My former nanny (well, she’s really family now) came over for dinner with her three kids last night.  I’ve known her kids since almost birth and same with mine.  I met her when I brought my daughter to the Y for day care.  My nanny was one of the teachers.  When I had the boys, I asked her to work with us.  The rest is history.

She’s mixed with black and white (she gave me the term).  One of my sons is a similar color and he was often mistaken for her son (the white boy was clearly not hers!).

As we talked last night I realized something significant – we have the same life issues.  Now, let me explain:  She’s had a very hard life.  Her mother was an addict, she was out on her own from a very young age.  Three kids, never married, works her a*** off and has done an amazing job instilling values in her kids.  I am forever grateful for having her in our lives – she’s taught me a lot!

But, despite our different upbringings, the difference in our educational history, etc. – we have the same kind of issues: work, relationships, values, kids, getting old(er).  With such similar issues (and I think this is true for all of us), why do we act as if we are different from anyone else?  If you took color out of the picture there’s really no difference.   This is what struck me … this thing that I’ve known all along:

We are all the same unless we treat each other differently.

I’m not saying we should ignore the beauty of all our differences.  That would belittle the heritage of our diverse world.  I’m saying that we choose these divisions.  We allow others to use the differences to the advantage or disadvantage of others.

People often find it difficult to understand what it’s like not to be included, not to be at the center or the top.  However, if we could all experience that feeling of exclusion or even fear as I wrote last week, we might be able to get a peek at what it feels like to actually be the discriminated against or not fully included.  It’s not just race, it’s all sorts of differences.

I, for one, want to be sure that I recognize the beauty of our differences but respect and treat everyone equally and fairly — I really hope this is also instilled in my kids.

I hope you have a wonderful start to the week.

We make hundreds of decisions a day.  Most without thinking.  Some we should have thought about a bit longer!

I’ve been talking with a friend about decisions and why they can be difficult to make.  It’s usually when the decision will affect more than just us, that we struggle.

I recently read an article by Steve Pavlina, “How to Make Smart Decisions in Less than 60 Seconds,” where he encourages us to ask the following questions, “Is this really me?” Does what I am about to do fit my personality or my inner self? In this way, he opines, we will eliminate the outside interests when making a decision.  Nice idea but I need to dumb it down (for me) so here’s the question I ask, “Is this something I would advise a close friend to do?”

My typical modus operandi is to make decisions quickly and move on.  I don’t want to take too much time because I will have 10 other decisions behind it waiting to be made!  Not my greatest trait!

What I try to pay attention to is avoiding making a decision when I am angry or overly emotional – (shout out to my son who watches me blow this almost every day!). When I do this, my decision will almost always back fire.  Here’s where I do get tripped up, especially with the kids.

The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to make a decision.  And despite our attempts to predict the outcome, there are so many variables in life that it is nearly impossible to know where your path will take you.  We can only make the best decision we know how to make at the time we make it.  This has been my lesson to my kids as they are often faced with, what seems to them to be, tough decisions of friendship, behavior and other life choices.

The other thing I’ve employed lately?  My two “new” best friends:  Time and Patience.  When they’re in the picture, I seem to be alright!

Have a wonderful Sunday!  I hope you have no decisions to make other than when to take a nap!

By now, it’s no surprise that I have my fair share of flaws.  Some of them big and some of them easily hidden (yea, right!).  My cave is the place that I use to protect myself from one of those flaws – it’s the “f” word – fear.

We all have fear and it usually manifests like this:   You are having what seems like a peaceful day and then all of a sudden a hurricane blows in.  One of those big arguments that come out of nowhere and leave you wondering what the h*** happened?

Those crazy-making fights that blind side us are usually based on or fed by unspoken fears.  Most of us have spent years developing strategies to control or protect us from our fears.  Yet, fear is not a wallflower that will just sit idly by.  No, fear wants to be out there – in front and ready to be heard.

Here’s an example:  A husband feels isolated and lonely in his marriage because his wife is always busy with kids, etc. and no time for him.  Instead of labeling his fear of abandonment, he gets angry and fights with her about a non-issue.  She, gets defensive, doesn’t understand (because the wrong issue is on the table) and will ignore or check out.  These scenarios can also happen with our children who have an even greater difficult naming their fears.

I know some want to look back and find the basis of their fear.  But, my feeling is this: We all have it … who cares where it came from? We just need to deal with it!

I think the critical step to working through a fear situation is to actually name the fear – i.e. fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of vulnerability, etc. .  Once it’s named it’s really less scary.  We also have to focus on the fear itself, not what the other person is doing wrong (even if they are doing something “wrong”).  Focusing on the fear will allow for more open communications.  Listening, of course – something which is difficult to do when you are operating under the cloud of fear – will also move the ball toward resolution of your feelings and allow the other person to express theirs.

While I am not going to be deposed as an expert on relationships (not yet anyway!), I do know there is no getting around or away from fear.  So, accepting it as a part of our family and our relationships, will help limit its effect on our lives.  Fear will no longer be person you’ve unfriended on FB, the person who causes you to go down a different isle at the grocery store.  Fear will become more like a puppy – always a part of your life (whether here or not) … sometimes it really needs your full attention and sometimes it just needs you to be there to play.

Have a great Saturday!

Recently, I decided to start thinking about whether or not I could ever retire.  After all, at my advanced age, it’s about time to start the discussion (yea, I’m about 20 years late, but whose counting?).  So, this week I met with a financial planner.

First, he comes with a notebook and pen.  I know he thinks he’s going to have a lot to write down.  After all, he came to my “plush” downtown office and I am a partner in a firm.  So, of course he asks about assets.  I quite quickly and easily list them out.  He looks up and immediately says, “Is that all?”

I pause.  As I look at him, I realize that this kid is old enough to be my kid (if I had one at 16!).  That’s frustrating!  So, I quip back, “Oh yes, I have three kids. They are my most expensive and valuable assets.”  He pauses and kind of laughs.  I don’t think he thought I was funny.

In the end, after writing a few more notes on his paper, he tells me that I will be able to retire some day – some day, far far away (I realize that I’m glad I just got that long-term care coverage!)  We came up with an initial plan, doable if I don’t feed or clothes my kids for the next 10 years, and decide to meet up again once I’ve gathered a bit more information.

All in all an interesting meeting.  And,what have I learned?

That the days of seeing those handsome graying couples strolling on the tropical beach in retirement are not happening for me (and maybe they were just on vacation anyway!).  That the days of my house being a retirement vehicle are also gone (and thankfully, I can stay in this one level house forever – great for us old(er) folks!).  And, finally, the days of it feeling fun to rip open my 401(k) statement are  history.

So, I’m going back to the office today.  No Powerball lottery win here!  I’m going to keep feeding my kids and my savings account (well, gotta open one first!).  And, I’m still going to buy that Caribou iced tea at least once a week!  Baby steps.

Have a great start to your weekend!

Five years ago, I bought a beautiful triathlon bike.  I was ready to move away from marathons and on to something else – seemed like a natural transition because I love to swim and run … and who can’t ride a bike?

On the first day I have the bike, my running partners want to go on a ride before a client lunch. I’d put clip less (who thought of this name … don’t we clip in?)  peddles on.  I had a nice water bottle holder and a computer.  I was set!

I get the bike out of the car, get on, clip in and promptly fall.  Ok, I heard that might happen.  So, I get back on, ride a few blocks and fall again.  This is not feeling fun to me.

My partners are ready to go and we head out.  About one more mile into the ride and I need to clip out at a light.  As we start-up again, I can’t get it back in, my shoe slips and I slam into the bar.  Yes.  That bar.  I start to cry and the guys look at me as if I am a total wimp. I buck up, finish the ride but all the while feeling very sick to my stomach.

We get back (late to meet the client) and run to the locker room.  I pull off my bike shorts and find blood everywhere (sorry to be so graphic).  I realize, at that moment, I am not going to the client lunch!  Shoot, I love a free lunch!

I call the ER and they say, “Go to your Ob-Gyn.”  This is not sounding good.  Long story, short – I’m now known at the clinic as the woman with “that” injury.  All healed just fine (thankfully) but I clearly have a bit of PTSD.

My ex hung the bike on a wall for two years and any time I saw people riding fast, I got a stomach ache.  Eventually, my kids guilted me into taking the bike down.  I did, immediately sold it and got my current carbon bike.

Sometimes I think, “Hey, you’re 50.  What are you so scared of?”  Sometimes I think, “Hey, you’re 50.  What the h$@# are you doing on a bike?”

Why can’t riding a bike be like childbirth  – where you forget the pain and do it over and over again?   People tell me I just need to practice with these fancy new peddles.  But here’s my thinking: I’m not going to win any races until the 70-75 age bracket.  So, why worry about being faster and more efficient now?  Gotta save something for my golden years!

Yes, I’m still scared.  And, I’m still riding with tennis shoes – totally inefficient but feels safe(er) to me.  Sure I want to look like those fancy riders.  But, hey – looks aren’t everything when you get to be “my” age!

I’m off for a run – just me and my tennis shoes!

Have a great one!

Yesterday I did something unusual.  I went for a “healing.”  I’ve never done this before, but, as you know, I’ve decided to try some new things this year, so it fit with that goal (to my kids: “No. I’m not going to skydive.”). I really wasn’t sure what to expect, what to wear or what to bring. So, I did nothing but put on my work clothes and head to the session.

Let me cut to the chase: I have no idea what happened.  I laid quietly on a table with a blanket and tried not to fall asleep (I think I did!),  I really focused on the music she was playing, ignored (tried to ignore) the buzzing I could hear coming from my phone and relaxed.

Afterward the session, the woman and I spoke very little but she did ask if I’d experienced anything.  I relayed my focus as noted above and did say one thing:  I remember my son coming to me and I could just feel his happiness.  That part was amazing.

I’m not sure what to do with yesterday’s experience and I’ll likely just go about my day today, but I do have one big take away:

Self-Care

If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that self-care is critical.   To really feel balanced in our fast-paced world, we have to pay attention to our inner and outer needs.  Taking care of yourself will allow you to be “there” as a parent, partner and friend.  In fact, I believe that we will respond to our kids and partners in a more positive way and with more emotional intimacy when our own internal and external needs are satisfied.  Yesterday’s experience was one of self-care.

We (read “me”) have a tendency to care for others before ourselves.  This is where we can easily neglect ourselves and then turn to resentment.  Yet, when we connect to our needs, we can find balance and happiness – allowing us to give our full heart and mind to other situations.  Then there is no resentment and no regrets.

We all have different ways of self-care.  This blog has been one for me this year.  And, it’s forced me to accept that life has lots of hills and valleys. Exercise is another.  I’ve also learned not to focus on the things I can’t change and to focus on listening to my inner voice when it tells me to slow down, set boundaries and take care of your body.

So, that’s all.  I just hope that today (and every day) you take care of you.  Have fun! Our stay is short so enjoy every moment!

I hope your day is filled with joy and love! XO

Yesterday, as I was driving to work, I was stopped at a light.  There on the corner were three women.  Not super well dressed but just looked to be talking and laughing – waiting for a bus maybe.  I didn’t notice anything unusual but was memorized for a moment with how much fun they seemed to be having.  Before I could take my eyes off of them, a police car pulled up.  Two guys got out.  One of the women looked at me.   I felt like she was asking me with her eyes, not to go.  The police asked them to empty their purses.  They did so immediately.  The light changed.  She looked at me again.  I had to pull forward as there were cars behind me and I drove away.

Look, I have no idea what was happening there and, I am not passing any judgment.  But here’s what it made me think about: How did I get here and she got there?  How did I get to be born into this world, with this color skin and with the opportunities I have?  Why did she look at me that way?  What did she want from me? What could I have done differently?

I thought about her all day.  I have absolutely no answers.  I did tell my kids about it when I got home and as we talked, the word “privilege” came up.  We realized that just by virtue of birth, we have some privileges that others don’t.  We wondered out loud, what that meant for us.

My daughter, since middle school, has volunteered in an inner city program during the summer.  She loves it.  The boys joined her this year.  They too feel the same way.  They don’t even think of it as giving back. They don’t really even see the color difference. They just enjoy hanging with these kids.  Their world has been diverse since birth.  And while they don’t care about the color difference, they do see the difference in treatment.  They don’t like that part of the world.

I really have no direction for this blog.  I’m still thinking about the woman yesterday.  I wonder what happened.  And, I wonder how it feels to be afraid that you might be mistaken just by the color of your skin.  What was I supposed to take from yesterday’s experience?  Maybe it’s the opportunity to talk about it.  To have a dialog.  And, to be grateful for what I have, my opportunities and to give back.  I’m still working on this one …

Have a wonderful day with totally open eyes!

I’m a cheap date (as they say – in the $$ sense!).  I don’t require a lot of food.  I drink very little.  I’m happy with a small box of popcorn at the $2.50 theatre. The same is true for the things I buy for myself.  Not too long ago someone told me I looked great in a black dress and asked where I got it … “Target,” I replied.  So, when I spend more than $5.00 on an appliance just for me, it’s got to be good.  And, this one is … my new electric toothbrush!

A few years back, the dentist encouraged me to get these things for the kids.  The kids thought it was super cool (what kid doesn’t like anything electronic?).   Every 6 months they get glowing reviews from the dentist who always points to their great brushing habits  (Seriously? Do you know how many times I have to pull them out of bed to brush their teeth because they “forgot?”).

This last time I was at the dentist she said to me, “What’s going on with the electric toothbrush?  Why don’t you want to get one?”  I didn’t have to hesitate for a moment.  I’ve been suspicious of the electric toothbrush for years.  I don’t want to be a slave to a battery operated anything – especially something in my mouth (no comments, please!).  And, what the h#$% happened to the days when you could adequately clean your teeth by jabbing a stick of plastic into your mouth and moving it around for a while?  She shook her head and told me to get with the program.  So I did.

At first, I had no idea what to do.  Do I move it up and down while it’s moving?  What do I do when I want to spit? Do I shut it off?  Can I run it under water?  S#$@.  I just want to brush my freaking teeth!

Sadly, brushing my teeth has become quite mindless.  Unless there’s a timer going off or I’m drooling, I forget the time and the kids are banging on the door for me to get out.  When will these things start giving us the morning news when we brush?  Or giving us our schedule for the day?

Frankly, there was something satisfying about that elbow grease I used to employ in order to get the stuff from between my teeth.  But now I guess I can save that energy for something more important — like the sheer physical effort it takes to change the brushes on these things!  Can we get a device to help with that too?

Have a great start to your week!