Category Archives: Uncategorized

The dreaded question: “Do these pants make me look fat?”  What’s he to say to that one?  Should he lie about what he really thinks?  Should he tell you the full truth (even if he thinks they do make you look fat)?  Or, should he say something in between?

Given the Lance Armstrong “confession” I’ve been thinking about this issue.  It did give me a foray into the discussion with my kids but they asked questions that I struggled to answer.  We all tell white lies, but when we do, are we being irresponsible?  We tell lies about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause. to encourage our kids imagination – but they are still lies.

What about the other “little” lies.  Like telling your boss that you have to leave early for an appointment and you really are going to a soccer game.  Or what about the many (I’d rather not call them lies, I would rather call them protection-statements) … protection statements I’ve made to my kids about when I had my first drink, my first kiss, etc.  Plus, I realize that I’ve even encouraged my kids to “lie”  by suggesting, for example, that they tell a relative that they loved a gift that maybe they didn’t love!

Thankfully (for my current level of guilt), there are studies that say small white lies are ok (I feel weird even typing this).  They are called “pro-social” lies and they help kids develop sympathy and empathy, both of which are important aspects of a child’s development.  Yet, I am still struggling with when a white lie is not longer white.  I watch some politicians tell lies and I am struck by how much they believe their own statements.  I depose people who tell lies that have really become their own personal truth (this is part of my profession that I don’t like).

Here’s an illustration of my point:

A man who loses his bike outside his synagogue, goes to his rabbi for advice. “Next week come to services, sit in the front row,” the rabbi tells the man, “and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ see who can’t look you in the eyes. That’s your thief.” After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn about the advice and asked the man if it worked. “Like a charm,” the man answers. “The moment we got to ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike.”

Funny, sort of, but what does it tell us?  How can we expect honesty when we are doing things that we shouldn’t do? This is the $64,000 question.  We will never be able to stop people from lying. The thing we can do is focus on ourselves and our own internal code of conduct, which must be in order so we can each make our world a better – more truthful – place.

Have a great day!

Inc.com had a short article recently talking about a Gallup poll.  The poll itself was interesting.  However, the article laid out 10 things that can bring happiness – other than money.  Shocking, right?!  Here’s a portion of the article:

1. Life

It’s easy to forget that the mere fact of conscious existence–that you are alive–is itself a miracle. As the old saying goes “every day above ground is a good day.”

2. Health

Rather than thinking of illness as something bad that happens to you, start thinking of health as something good that’s happening to you.

3. Purpose

There is nothing more conducive to long-term happiness than knowing that your actions are making the world a better place.

4. Friendship

Almost everyone has friends, although it’s easy to lose track of them in the rush of events. Take a few minutes–today–to reconnect with some of them.

5. Family

If you’ve got a good relationship with your family, rejoice! You’re experiencing one of the deepest sources of happiness on the planet.

6. Self-reliance

Feeling secure that you can count on yourself to accomplish what you set out to accomplish creates a quiet but potent happiness.

7. Community

Having the support of a wider group makes you more aware that you’re part of something greater than yourself.

8. Gratitude

Rather than focusing on what you don’t have or what’s out of reach, be thankful for the wonderful things already in your life.

9. Laughter

It is impossible to laugh and be miserable at the same time. Regular doses of laughter are more than medicine… it’s the flavor of life.

10. Love

Enough said.

Acrasia – Lack of self-control; when you act against your better judgment.  I would suggest that this is occurring on a frequent basis in my house with three teenagers and a mom going through menopause.

Accismus – When you pretend to be not interested in something or someone, when you really are interested.  This is how teens behave on a consistent basis.  This is how I behave while I listen to their “private” conversations.

Autophoby – The fear of using the pronouns “I” or “Me.” A good example is Elmo of Sesame Street.  He never says those pronouns and I want to go back to those Elmo years!

 Epagomenic – This is when you notice or celebrate something that’s not on the calendar.   Like the Hallmark holidays.  They are  holidays that are not (or shouldn’t be) printed on calendars.  This is simply a way for a company to make money and for significant others to get in trouble when they miss said holiday.

Lately I have been distracted.  Well, let me say this … I allow myself to be distracted.   Yesterday I was walking back to my office, from getting a cup of coffee, and I was doing what 99.9% of all people do in this world … I was emailing on my phone – while I was walking.  I was completely looking down and ignoring the world around me.  Great, right?

As you might expect, I bumped right into someone.  I began apologizing before I even looked up.  When I did look up, he said, “Hi Jessica.”  I was shocked –  it was someone from my teen years.

I wasn’t in a hurry and neither was he so we moved over toward the wall to chat a bit.  We joked about how geeky we were in school, I reminded him that I was dead last in every race and that I became a cheerleader to avoid sports.  He said that he remembered me as the girl who was always happy and talked with her hands (nice, right!).

The point I want to make here is not how weird I was as a kid (I was weird) but to remind us all to pay attention.  I would have missed this guy because I was looking at my phone, not up at the world around me.  Not that anything big came of the meeting – but it’s one of life’s niceties … seeing and talking to people.

I notice that in the grocery store now so many people pull their phone out instead of talking to the check out person.  At one of my favorite stores, there’s a guy who bags the groceries and is always singing while he’s doing it … out loud!  I can’t tell you how many people ignore him – don’t even acknowledge him.  I love it and remind him of it every time I see him (he really does have a great voice!)

Maybe I am rambling today.  But I’ve got to tell you that in the last few days, I’ve had so many nice little experiences because I decided put my phone away, make more eye-contact with people and just plain pay attention to my surroundings.

So today, just for one day, put down your phone and talk to the people around you or just make eye-contact and smile!  You can’t imagine how many cool things will happen.

Have a great day!

Yesterday was a normal day, which almost ended badly until I made a choice.  What happened was that I could see someone else’s life “muck” creeping into mine and I stopped and asked myself: do I want to end my day in a closed off, angry way or do I want to end it with love and energy?  I chose the latter.

Maybe the best way to look at life is how we end our day.  Are we able to look back and shake our head, marveling at the craziness of the day? Or are we closing our eyes and shutting people out, exhausted from the energy necessary to be angry or frustrated? Let me say right here and now – I don’t want that life and I am going to make an effort not to end my days like that.  It is a waste of time and energy.

I was with my personal trainer yesterday (yes, the one luxury I afford myself!) and he told me that I had a positive vibe … an aura of happiness and genuineness. Then he asked, “Are you happy?” (I love that question!). Of course, I said “Yes!”  I have trials and tribulations like everyone else. Money seems elusive at times, a single mom, three kids, a job, a house to keep up, etc., etc. But, I would have to say that I am generally happy.

His next questions, “To what do you attribute your happiness and how do you stay happy in the face of all the craziness of life?” (I love those questions even more!). Hmm … I choose to be happy. I try to forgive myself and others.  I try to be thankful for what I have and to see the good in situations (even those that are not-so-good).  Like yesterday – I had a small spat with my son as I was leaving the house. Instead of dwelling on it, I texted him (thank g-d for phones!), said I was sorry and that I hoped he had a nice day. Then, I let it go and used my energy for more positive things.

I often look back on my day and see (and write about) the “stuff” that happened — and that’s ok. But I think the biggest question of all is, “How did you end your day?”  Friends, that’s the ticket!

No matter how bad, frustrating or disappointing your day was, you can always go into your kids’ rooms and kiss them goodnight. You can clean the kitchen and pick up the living room and know that you will feel great about it when you wake up. You can write a message to one of your close friends and let them know how fantastic they are. And then, you can close your eyes with a smile on your face. Maybe, life is just that simple.

Life – or living it – is a choice. No matter what happens, choose to end each day with love and gratitude.

Have a great day!

I am so tired of this battle regarding the wearing of coats.  My boys continually choose this battle and it’s driving me crazy.  While I know that virus’ are not caused by going out in the cold, this doesn’t stop me from acting on my instincts and my deep-seated parental impulses to protect and bundle my children up.  Plus, we are in Minnesota.  Culturally, it’s considered the right thing to do.

I know, of course, that the coat revolt starts early.  My toddlers threw tantrums over bundling up and by lower school I could see the battle mounting.  Now, in middle school I find my position slipping.

Yesterday was a perfect example.  I had high hopes of getting to work early and dropped my daughter off at 7:50.  I realized I forgot something at home and figured a quick stop back there would still get me to work by 8:15.  I walk in the door and what do I see?  My son’s coat.  He clearly walked out of the house, got on the bus with a short sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt … no coat.  Mind you, it’s -13!  I think, S%^&!!

I call him while he’s on the bus and he tells me he doesn’t need a coat!  What the freak?  Come on!  Half-way through the conversation (with me being frustrated and him ignoring my “issues”) he says, “Mom?  Mom?  I am running out of battery on my phone.  I’m going to have to hang up.”  Yea, right …. now I’m getting the “battery is running out” excuse?!

I know students choose their outfits very carefully and that many different factors can go into the decision-making process.  Clearly, weather appropriateness is not one of those factors.  For some reason at my daughter’s school almost all kids refuse to use their lockers and carry around these heavy backpacks all day.  Yet, they refuse to wear coats because they have to carry them around all day!  The thing with my son is, this is not a fashionista issue.  This is simply a guy-forgetfulness matter.  Even more frustrating!

Yesterday morning the air temperature was -13 degrees with the wind chill temperature even worse.  The weather service said that at this temperature, exposed skin will begin to suffer frostbite in 10 minutes.  Ten minutes in teen-time is 10 status updates on Facebook, 6 text messages, a couple of snap chats and all the while listening to 4 songs.

So, this is going to have to be one of those kids learn through experience things.  And, after being cold once or twice — he may learn his lesson.  Meanwhile, I got caught up in my “mom” thing yesterday and had to bring the coat to school (for me, mind you, not him) and was much later to work than I wanted to be.  Backing off doesn’t come naturally to me but I think that’s the only way this is going to work.  This is a frustrating parental experience (and I’m freezing doing it!).

Stay warm today!

• Monday – Creamy Pumpkin Seed and Green Chile Posole:  What the heck is Posole and where does it come from?  How do the pumpkin seeds get creamy?  This sounds like an entire trip to the grocery store … maybe the eating is easy but I’m not feeling the “easy” part for the rest.
• Tuesday – Sesame Noodles with Spinach and Salmon:  Does anyone have sesame noodles handy and just waiting for use?  If they are not white and enriched, I’m not so sure they will get eaten at my house. Spinach is a not-so favorite vegetable in our house but the salmon sounds great.  Easy?  Hmm, let me keep looking.
• Wednesday – Chicken with Pepperoni-Marinara Sauce:  Yea, I can do this.  I have chicken, pepperoni and red sauce.  Plus, there are three direction points and one is to heat the broiler! Finally seems easy.
• Thursday – Hoisin-Glazed Salmon in Ginger Broth:  Ginger broth?  Does that come in a can from Campbells?  Hoisin?  Please, I can’t even spell it. This one has 12 ingredients and I have only one at home … oil.  Who is this easy for?  Julia Child?
• Friday – Quick Pasta Bolognese:  Pasta I can do.  The rest, not so much.  Plus it says “ready in 40 minutes!”  My kids have eaten through the cupboards in 40 minutes.  It’s gotta be 15 minutes or less!
• Saturday – Tri-Tip Tacos:  Let’s just call them tacos and buy them from Chipotle.
• Sunday – Moroccan Lamb and Celery Root Puree:   Oh yes – I keep a supply of celery root puree at my house at all times in case someone drops off lamb (from Morocco).  NOT.
• Breakfast – Dr. Oz’s Immunity-Boosting Smoothie:  Ahh, now we’re getting down to business. An immunity boosting smoothie and from Dr. Oz no less!  This is simply vanilla soy milk, raspberries, banana and frozen OJ concentrate.  Yes, I can do this one! And, if I add protein powder to it, maybe we can skip one of meals above and use this as an “easy meal!”

I think it’s time for a fondue pot.

Have a great day!

Last night the kids and I watched Hitch, with Eva Mendes and Will Smith.  We’ve  seen it a million times and love it!  It is about how difficult it is to interact with the opposite sex, fall in love and make it work.  And, even if you put all your efforts into avoiding missteps to your relationships, unintentional issues can occur.  This is the nature of relationships.  Yet, there are “tricks” or “rules” of relationships, some of which we got from the movie last night:

1. Be supportive:  While your partner/friend may know that you are in his/her camp, it is important to say and do things that let them know you support their endeavors.

2. Talk:  It is easy to push issues aside “for another day.” But, it is almost never wise to do so.   I am conflict adverse in my personal life so I am really good at NOT talking.  This is NOT my greatest trait.

3. Expect your relationship to change:  Nothing stays the same, not even relationships.  As long as you embrace these changes, rather than try to stop them, your relationship will continue to grow.

4. Do things for them: I’ve said this before … It’s the small things (notes, making coffee, sending texts) that bring the great return of love.

5. Say it:  Wear out the words, “I love you.”

6. Treat them as you want to be treated: Pretty easy to understand.

7. Choose your battles:  You won’t want to argue about every little thing so choose the issues you want to deal with and address them positively.

9. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable: Being vulnerable allows you to truly express your feelings and allows you to admit mistakes.  Being vulnerable means that you are honest about yourself and your past … as difficult as that might be.

9. Maintain intimacy:  In whatever form works for you (assuming it is legal!).  A friend once told me that he and his wife make a point of 3-4 long weekends away, each year.  No kids.  Usually taking a plane somewhere.  He mused that it was these times that filled the “bank” and keep the marriage fresh.  Love that idea!

10. Live in the moment: We lived in the moment last night … laughing, eating popcorn and talking about how something that should be so easy can be so difficult.  This is true for any relationship but particularly true for those where you are willing to open yourself up and let someone in.  Our kids will learn this from us … let’s be good role models.

Stay warm today!

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I had the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time with my friends, kids (some not my own!) and family these last few days.  I decided I was going to spend more time listening as opposed to chatting or entertaining.  I learned so much!

Do you ever find yourself mindlessly saying “uh huh” when someone is trying to tell you something only to have to say, “I’m sorry what did you say?”  Or, have you been in a conversation with someone and you are not really listening completely to what they are saying because you are formulating your own response?  Do you reflexively pick up your phone to start playing a game or checking email because you are checking out of a conversation?

In order to communicate effectively and be a participant in any conversation (which is they way we should be) we must hear what the other person is saying and remain present.  Not just hear what they are saying because the acoustics are good or because the other person is speaking loudly enough we must hear by actively listening (which includes focus – not multitasking).

This is critically important with our partners but also with our children.  We want the people in our lives to be healthy and safe, but we also want them to be happy.  Yet, sometimes our desire for them to be happy gets in the way of our really listening.

I know that sometimes I put in my emotional earplugs when my child is directing their frustration at me.  Yet, what I should be doing at that moment is listening.  This is the never-ending battle of we’re not listening to them and they’re not listening to us.  When we react first and listen second we judge rather than understand, which will prevent us from hearing the feelings and emotions behind the words.

My son and I had the most wonderful conversation the other day.  It started out tough – with me setting some boundaries.  Then, I noticed that we both were being defensive and not listening to one another.  So, I asked him how he would you solve the issue we were discussing.  He looked at me with this shocked expression and then went on to give me a fantastic solution that even I had not thought of! What made me think for one moment that I had better ideas than he did??!!  Clearly I need to listen more than talk.

The French writer and philosopher Voltaire once said, “The road to the heart is the ear.”  After that conversation with him – and many others since that point – I have learned how to ask questions and listen, really listen, to the response.  There is nothing better than the connection of total listening and understanding of one another – particularly with our children.

Have a wonderful (and stay warm) day!

Joke: Scene – Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health:

The first lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Yes.  That’s me.  I’m having issues and I’ve decided that I have developed CRS, aka… Can’t Remember S#*t.   It’s a problem.  If my assistant didn’t call me by name or my kids weren’t calling me mom 15 times per day, I don’t know if I would even remember who I was.

People used to tell me that with each progressive child, my memory would fade a bit (maybe we should say “thank you” for that one!).  And here I am … three teens and I’m 50 … the double whammy!  I can’t tell you how many times I walk from one room to the next to get something only to have forgotten what I went to get.  I literally find myself going back to where I started to see if it will jog my memory. Recently, it was so bad that I forgot the name of my quarterback — Aaron Rogers.  Who forgets Aaron Rogers?????

Two days ago, I put the butter in the cupboard and the oatmeal in the fridge.  Yesterday, I found the frozen waffles (not so frozen anymore) in the recycling!  I must have thought that the FULL box of waffles should be recycled.  I remember (I can remember a few things) last year when I was implementing a “consequence” one of the boys and he said to me, “that’s fine because you don’t have any short-term memory so you’ll forget anyway.”    He was right but once he reminded me … I made sure not to forget!!!  Sorry kid, it doesn’t pay to be honest all the time!

Not much we can do about CRS.  I usually laugh it off, pawn it off to menopause (sorry guys) or just apologize for not having all my synapses firing at the same time.  Whatever it is, I know that some of you are hanging right there with me, which would give me some comfort if I could remember who you are!

Have a wonderful Saturday!