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There are some things I easily say “no” to.  “No, you can not order soda at the restaurant.”  “No, you can not stay up late to watch (name the sport).”  “No swearing!”  (No eye rolling from my kids here!).   Those are the easy things.

It’s harder when a friend or someone at work wants help with something.   Of course we’ve good intentions and the reason it’s difficult to say no is because we want help others.  Totally get that.

The problem is some of us are doing too much.  We run around stressed out because we have too much on our plate and suck at saying no.   We, read me, must learn to say no.

The trick is knowing when and how to say no.  I am not advocating being selfish – far from it.  But, maybe it’s time to take care of ourselves and put a no or two out there.

Most times, saying no can be a daunting experience.  Intellectually, you know you have to say it but when it comes time to actually using this two-letter word, we become anxious and guilty.  So, instead of saying what we really want to, we say, “yes, of course” and then later feel frustrated that we didn’t speak up.

I was thinking of creating a list of some ways to say “no” but then I decided that there is no one way, especially for people like us who say “yes” all the time.  What we need to do is step back and pick one thing at a time.  We need to not pressure ourselves to “take back our lives” as we read in all the rags.  That will create even more stress.

Learning to say no could likely be the best gift you can give yourself and those you love (and those who love you!).  It will reduce your stress level and give you time for what is really important.

So, today, just do as you normally do.  And, if something comes up – someone asks you to do something – think about it.  Is it something you love?  Is it something your passionate about?  Could you squeeze the time in and not lose time for something important to you?  If the answers are yes — then don’t worry and do it.  If not, allow yourself to say no and do not feel guilty about it!

This is going to be a fantastic day!

To my son: Yesterday was a terrible day.  And, by the time I got home I had just had enough of the world and I lost it with you.  I’m sorry.

When I was growing up, we didn’t worry about bombs or people coming into our school and killing us. We worried about drugs and AIDS – and those seemed like big worries back then.  You, your kids and your grandkids will have worries we don’t yet know or expect.

I was stressed out already from the amount of work on my plate and the number of things I needed to fit into my day.  But, from the moment I heard – minutes after the first bomb went off – I lost my focus.  I started to think about you and your brother and sister and how the world will once again have to deal with a horrible tragedy that will affect all our feelings of safety.  Plus, it was so close to home … running.

You had a scare yesterday too and I failed to recognize its effect.  You were called to the office by your dad for an appointment (which I forgot to mention) and for that period of time between leaving the classroom and seeing your father, you thought that someone in your family had died.  I failed to recognize how stressed out you were about incident when I came home.

So, with both of us scared and uncertain about the world, it set us up for our disagreement and I totally lost it.  This is the funny (not ha ha funny) thing about life — sometimes the outside world affects us so much on the inside that we just can’t figure out how to separate the two.  Maybe that’s what happened to me yesterday.  At a greater level, that’s what happened with the person who went into Sandy Hook or who set those bombs.  

After yesterday, the only thing I am really certain of (other than love) is that we have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect and we have to forgive those who remind us how imperfect the world is.

Yes, I am unhappy with your general teenage attitude and you need to work on some changes there!  But I also played a role by feeding into it and engaging in the “fight.”  I didn’t extinguish the behavior yesterday I lit it on fire.

So, I am sorry for losing it.  My tears were about you and me and the world.  

I am going to run this morning.  It will be after my apology to you and will give me time to think about us and those who are suffering from yesterday and earlier this year.  Yesterday was a horrible and scary day.  Sadly and thankfully, we will move on – hopefully stronger than before.   That’s the amazing part of being a human being.

I love you.  Mom

Stay safe everyone.

When my kids were little, I used to take them out for dinner and afterwards I would wonder what I had been thinking. It was never calm or relaxing.  The boys would be throwing food across the table or on the floor, smashing cars into each other or just plain busy.  My daughter would have her nose in a book, completely ignoring us (as well she should) and I would be exhausted and would have spent too much money on food that ended up outside of a child’s stomach.

Last night I went to a movie and dinner with my three kids, my friend and his two kids (People, please go see the movie 42.  Fantastic!).  The 7 of us have been going out to dinner for more than 10 years now and I could write a book about the interesting “conversations” we’ve all had over the years.  Let me give you last night’s list of “conversations” (please note: there were 3 teenage boys and 2 teenage girls):

1. Farting;

2. Snoring;

3. Farting with a purpose or intent to annoy family members;

4. Racism and segregation (a lot of discussions about the movie);

5. iFunny (and a demand (by me) that it be deleted from one of my children’s phone … my hawk eyes missed that one);

6. People who jump off buildings and survive (and how stupid I think that is);

7. Miscellaneous school subjects (WWII), summer camps and singing lessons;

8. Whether Freddie Mercury (from the band Queen) was gay, how he died and how cool their music was/is;

9. Which brothers are NOT going to ride in their sister’s car and if they do, what are the rules of the ride!;

10. Farting again (mine, apparently, are quite funny to the kids); and

11. How “hot” some waitress was at a restaurant in Florida.

While I’m sure I’m wrong here, my memory of being a teenager was that I listened to the conversations and didn’t say much.  I would never think to talk about farting … never.  I would not tell racy jokes or even reference them.  Talk about drugs – not likely.  And, “hot?”  I would have been afraid to say anyone was “hot.”  This is what I get for banning portable electronic devices and demanding face-to-face interactions!

While I enjoyed the food (albeit a bit soggy), I’m glad they all feel free to speak their minds.  Plus, I really did enjoy the conversations (other than the discussion about my farting).  Kids see the world in a fresher more exciting way and while I might think jumping off buildings is stupid (it’s so stupid!), they think it’s cool and it’s a good reminder that I need to clear out the old (in my brain) and bring in a bit of the new.  Who’d have thought they could (or would) watch YouTube videos of Queen!???

Happy Monday!

I have always liked the saying in this post title.  It really is so true – in both our personal and professional lives.  Yet, on a daily basis we continue to make assumptions all the time – often negative ones.

The problem with assumptions is that when we presume we know the person’s intent rather than asking, we are making judgments about the other  person – essentially taking that person for granted. This is particularly true when someone makes a negative assumption.

Most assumptions are based on the need or desire to understand a person but often are colored by the individual’s own life experiences.  Usually people see what they want to see or make connections where there are none — all in an effort to make the assumption seem more probable or reasonable to them.  Then, based on those experiences and assumptions, people convince themselves that they are “right” about the assumption.

Assumptions almost never reflect the true intent of the person.  Frankly, no one has the ability to know everything a person is thinking or feeling.  Yet, in relationships we have a tendency to think we do.  This will often be the demise of a relationship because it prevents one person from listening or trying to understand his/her partner.  Just writing this blog makes me realize how harmful it is to make assumptions about other people’s statements, actions and intentions.  We even make assumptions of people we don’t even know when we are out in public.

So, how can we avoid making assumptions?  It’s simple — ask!  Say what you are thinking and ask when you are wondering.   It might seem awkward or make you feel vulnerable, but it’s better than the alternative — arguments and hard feelings.

I’m going to watch my own assumptions.   Whether they be about my family and friends or people I meet in the grocery store.  I have a feeling it will shed new light on how I think and need to think about the world and it will also help me to better understand the people who are important (and positive) in my life.

Have a great day!

I think of myself as liberal in most aspects of the word.  And, given my career, I’m someone who believes that woman should have equal footing to men.  However, recently we’ve had this battle in our family over my lack of “equality” in the household (amen!  I’m doing way too much!!!! …. wait, they’re not talking that kind of equality!)

Here’s the thing: My boys think I treat them differently than their sister.  For example, I have a rule that the boys let women off the elevator first or hold the door for them.  “That’s ridiculous,”  they say.  “Women are equal.  Why don’t they let us off the elevator?”  Or, “Won’t that offend the women who believe in women’s lib?”  (who says women’s lib anymore??).    I get their argument but I still believe in the process …  hmm … was I born in the 50’s or the 60’s?

Then, last night as we were discussing my wanting the boys (I didn’t mention my daughter) to learn to be handy around the house, I heard something come from my mouth that almost made me faint:

“She’ll marry someone who can fix things in the house.”

I felt the world stop.  Did anyone hear that come out of my mouth?  Was I inhabited by Joan Cleaver?  Nope.  It was me and they did hear it.   Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I’m sexist (they don’t really know what it means but it sounds sexy!)

My daughter can cook (the boys can’t).  My daughter can clean up after herself (they can’t – or won’t).  My daughter can manage her time and theirs.  They can’t even manage their backpacks and junk that falls out of them.  Yet, they all do laundry, put it away, fold towels (kind of) and are learning to put their dishes in the dishwasher.  So, maybe I’m partially sexist and partially not.

Yesterday when my son went to baseball, he left his half eaten sandwich on the table with crumbs everywhere.  Instead of cleaning it up, we took a picture and left it there for when he got home.  Upon pointing it out, he lifted up the sandwich and put it in the garbage.  When I told him to pick up the crumbs he said, “How am I going to do that?”  Wow, have I created sexist monsters?

Actually, all joking aside, my boys are very good about helping when I ask and they are quick to admit that the girls at school are smarter than the boys!  They will be great in this woman’s world – I have no doubt about that.

But it’s the gray areas.  Is it ok to teach the boys about the elevator?  How about fixing things?  I think I’ve got to add my daughter to the mix.  Look, if the boys wanted to get their nails done with us, I would certainly let them! 🙂

Never a dull moment! Have a great day!

In the hustle and bustle of getting ready for work, getting the kids ready for school, making dinner, paying the bills, working all day and doing this and that, I take life for granted.  Here are 10 “life” things I take for granted:

1. The Shower: I have warm water and as much of it as I can justify.  Yet, there are millions without it.  Each time I get in, I’m sure I forget its luxury.

2. My Memory:  I forget how precious my memory is (no pun intended) and we still don’t understand how we lose it.

3. My Health: The old saying is true – We don’t know how important it is until it’s gone.  I had a scare a few years back and thought I would never forget how thankful I was that it was just a scare.  Yet, here I am … forgetting again.

4. My Job: Although I worked my way through undergrad, law school and have developed a great practice, I often forget how lucky I am and how many people would love to have a job they loved … or any job, for that matter.

5. My Parents: My mom is gone.  My dad is not. I am sure I took her for granted and I only got 6 weeks from diagnosis to death to make sure that I took important time with her.  I’m going to make an effort not to take one more minute with my dad for granted.

6. My Kids: Absolutely!  Some friends’ daughter has a bat mitzvah this weekend. During the service, there will be that moment (or many of them) where they will be filled with that incredible joy, love, (sadness) and recognition that their daughter is now a young woman.  I wish we could have that feeling all the time (but we can’t when we’re “frustrated” with our kids!). Life.

7. Nature: Despite the horrible weather, the birds were chirping this morning.  I know I take for granted the early morning sun, the evening breeze and the ability to stand outside and enjoy the entire experience.

8. The Noise:  I sometimes long for quiet time in my house … no kids and just a bottle of wine and the TV.  But in short order I will have all the time in the world for that … I’m not going to take these next few years for granted.

9. Love: We can’t live without it but we often take the love of another for granted.

10. Who I am:  I received a note from a close friend yesterday: “Here you were (in a prior post) worried about whether we would judge you for pulling out your grays, and yet you ran out to the parking lot to catch a woman without hesitating to consider the cost.  Which do you think we are more likely to remember? You are BEAUTIFUL my friend.  So beautiful.”  I don’t feel that way and I know I take myself for granted all the time.  Thx for the reminder!

Love yourself today and try not to take anything for granted!

Last night a friend invited me to a yoga class (thanks … I needed it!).  We heard during class he reminded us that we should remain playful in life – and not give it up as we “grow up.”  Wow – so true!

Sometimes, when we get so caught up in the stresses of everyday life (I know I do) such that it can be difficult to remain playful and lighthearted. But many of our best memories are made when we’re just being carefree.  Remember playing on the floor with your kids?  How much fun they had (and you did too).

When I got home, I had a long conversation with a close friend as we discussed ways that people can (try) to put their worries aside to tap into that playful state.  Here’s our list:

1. Live every day as if it were a fresh new start.  Don’t be held back by what happened yesterday, the day before or last week.

2. Don’t complain.  Rather than complain about your problems do something about them.  (I’ll allow for complaining about this snow, however!)

3. Be proactive.  Stop waiting for something to happen or someone to do something. You control your destiny.

4. Live more consciously.  As I wrote yesterday, if I had been sleep-walking through life, I would not have had the opportunity to pay for that woman’s prescription.

5. Do things you love.  Life is precious to spend it doing anything else.  No matter how you feel or what you have in front of you, spend time and energy on things and people who bring you fulfillment and happiness.

6. Find your passion in life.  This is something I am working on now.  I know what my passion is I just don’t know what to do with it!

7. Learn from criticism.  Be open to criticism.  It will help you be a better person so learn from it.

8. Be positive. Don’t you love being around those that are glass half-full rather than half-empty?  Maybe we could work on being all full!

9. Don’t badmouth others.  This goes without saying.  It sucks energy out of you.

10. Be compassionate and empathetic.  Look at life from another’s view point and show compassion and kindness to everyone.

11. Dance!!!! Whether in your mind or with your body!

Have a great (and safe) day!

As you’ve figured out, I believe that if you do the right thing, the right things will happen. That’s not the reason to do the right thing … but it’s a nice consequence.  

Some people have convinced themselves (justified) that they are doing the right thing, even when we all know it is not the right thing.  Frankly, life is not meant to be complicated.  It is straight forward.  Do the right thing and you feel good.  Do the “wrong” thing and you feel regret, anger, blaming, etc. 

How does this fit with yesterday?  I was at a pharmacy and a woman was being told that she needed money for her prescription and she didn’t have it.  They told her that they would hold it for 10 days but that she couldn’t have it at that time.  As she left, I asked the counter person how much she needed.  She wouldn’t tell me but it didn’t matter. I ran out to get the woman and told her I would pay for the prescription.  I’m not sure she understood english, but she knew what I was doing.  When the counter person rang it up it was $1.00.  How was it that no one in that busy pharmacy could give the woman $1.00? I was prepared to pay a lot more.  That got me thinking …

It is so easy to just stay inwardly focused.  To just pay attention to what’s in our life and not stay present enough to see (and feel) what’s happening outside.  The people in the pharmacy were busy doing their job and I get that.  But, failing to keep track of our surroundings and the people in them will cause us to miss our opportunities to help.  

This was a good reminder to me.  I think I have been inwardly focused lately and I needed a moment to step outside and see that there is more than just my little world.  I have some friends who are constantly doing for others and I admire them so much.  We need more of us to join in.

So, I hope you all get a chance this week to step outside (not in the snow but you know what I mean!), and join the world.  Buy a cup of coffee for someone.  A smile or hold a door.  No matter how brief, it will change your day, week and maybe even more.

Have a great day!

I had a day, yesterday.  It was fine but filled with a few weird occurrences, which I will simply list:

1. I got an email from someone I have not talked with in a few years asking how I was dealing with being 50.  I said that I never even think about it (yea right!) and I send her the blog site.  Next question.

2. I stopped at the AAA store for something.  I see that they sell a pack of two pairs of underwear that can last for 30 days.  Something about “fast drying.”  It gives me a bit of a stomach ache.  I move on.

2. While waiting at an appointment, I decide to clean out my purse.  Here’s what I find: A fork (a real fork).  A 1/2 eaten protein bar.   Two already chewed pieces of gum wrapped in very small papers.  And, some note to myself from January 2013.  I’m clearly not paying attention.

3. At that same appointment, I need to use the restroom.  I try two different ones, only to open each door and find someone in there.  Don’t people lock the doors in public anymore?  I saw a butt and another “private.”  I never did go to the bathroom.

4. As we are leaving, my father and I walk past a door with a sign, “Human Specimen Waiting Room.”  Can a specimen wait?  I’m too afraid to dig deeper into this one.  We keep moving.

5. I missed lunch.

6. The judge at my pre-trial was clearly younger than me.  This is getting a little weird.  Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was younger than the judges?

7. I then go to my “yearly.”  Usually, this appointment is in the middle of the day and I’m rushing to get there and rushing to leave.  This time it was the last thing on my calendar.  I decide to use this to my advantage.  I get the paperwork clip board and take my sweet (and quiet) time filling it out.  I am finally beginning to relax.  The nurse says that she needs to measure my height to be sure I’m not shrinking.  If I’m shrinking, I really don’t want to know about it.

8. The nurse takes me to the exam room and she gives me what appears to be a very small paper “top” and “cover.”  Seriously??

9. I decide that instead of nervously reading a magazine while waiting for the doctor, I will lay down on “the table” and close my eyes.  I’m going to use this time to relax.  It’s sad that I need my “yearly” to find quiet time (I may have actually dozed!).

10. When done, I go to the grocery store, buy food and then, with the fork from my purse (because I’m starving by this point), I eat the food.  Now, I’ve recycled (a dirty fork) and I have a full stomach – life’s good.

The world is a “funny” place – enjoy your day!

Diana Ross had the most beautiful voice and performed many songs that just made you want to get up and MOVE.  I never used to memorize the words of a song until  I noticed my daughter singing every single word of every single song. What is it with kids and songs?  Were we that way?

Recently, we heard this song in the car and we decided that the words alone were enough for a blog post.  The kids think I am always there helping people — anyone.   I’m not sure that’s true but I’ll give it to them and post the words here anyway:

If you need me, call me.  No matter where you are, no matter how far, just call my name, I’ll be there in a hurry.  On that you can depend and never worry.  

No wind, no rain (No wind, no rain).  Nor winter’s cold.  Can stop me, babe, baby (Oh, babe, baby).  If you’re my goal.  Oh, no wind, no rain (No wind, no rain). Can stop me, babe.

If you wanna go, I know, I know you must follow the sun.  Wherever it leads.  But remember, if you should fall short of your desires, remember life holds for you one guarantee.  You’ll always have me.

And if you should miss my love, one of these old days.  If you should ever miss the arms, that used to hold you so close, or the lips that used to touch you so tenderly;

Just remember what I told you, The day I set you free …

Ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wild enough – To keep me from you.

Love, life and helping others.  That’s what the collective heart of this world is all about.  I really hope my kids get that (kids, pay attention to this message!).  It’s a chain reaction.  It’s the pay if forward theory.  It feels great!

Have a fantastic Monday — and be there for someone this week!