I’m struggling. This teen thing is difficult. Way more so then when they were young and you could just impose your will. Seriously, have you asked your teenager to complete a simple chore and somehow ended up with your “baby” pushing back and walking away? That’s my world. That’s when I am screaming inside but nothing (positive) is coming out of my mouth.
This is the sort of stuff I’m hearing: “Why do I need to take out the garbage and do the laundry?” “I’m on vacation. Why do I need to do anything?”
While these are reasonable questions, my old response of “Because I’m bigger and older than you,” isn’t working! If I were a smart mom (something that likely only happens as a grandparent), I would enlist productive responses, such as, “You can have free time when you finish the laundry,” “Or, we all need to chip in,” and then walk away! I’ve not found that coming out of my mouth lately.
I know these power struggles happen in every relationship and takes two to tango.So, if I choose not to engage in the struggle, it won’t occur. I also have to remember (so incredibly difficult), that with teenagers, it’s not personal!
Unfortunately, I’ve totally forgotten that it’s my job to model appropriate ways to navigate these difficult situations (yeah, who’s the adult now?). I’ve also totally forgotten that keeping my cool, setting limits and walking away are the game changers.
I might argue that the problem with power struggles, whether it be family/kids or our partner, is that once engaged in the struggle, we miss an opportunity to grow and learn because we are so focused on the “me.” That’s why, of course, power struggles with teens (in their “me” world) are so common place.
Truthfully, getting rid of the power struggles should not be the goal. They are necessary in all relationships to get our needs met and to just put our feelings out there. Rather, the goal should be to eliminate the defiance and negativity (finger-pointing) in the struggle. It is the negativity and personal attacks that cause the most damage and enhances the struggle.
Here’s my thinking about this teen thing: they can’t walk into your boss’s office and say, “This s@#$*, I’m not going to do this. You’re a jerk,” and expect that they will get an explanation (and retain their job!). No, our kids (and us “adults”) need learn the skill of negotiation and advocacy for ourselves in order to gain power — to get what we need in appropriate ways.
So, I’m going to try to be more “adult-like” in my responses and see if that helps. No one ever said this would be easy!
Have a fantastic start to your weekend!
P.S. For those reading the blog (and their significant others), please join me for my Blog Bash, on September 7, from 6:30 to 8:30 (and likely thereafter at some local establishment!), at the home of my good friend Howard Chanen. Address: 9905 Oakridge Trail, Minnetonka, 55305. NO Gifts. There will be alcohol! Please rsvp to jroe4574@yahoo.com
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