Every once in a while – I get pissed. Seriously mad. Usually, it’s with someone closest to me. Yes, I get frustrated with the handyman who doesn’t show up on time. Or my internet when it’s not working. Or, even my computer when it gets the spinning color wheel. But it’s not the kind of frustration that happens with people we love … those are the situations where our feelings can really be hurt.
Even the best relationships (this includes our kids) have problems. This is where communication, negotiation, and maturity come in. No one is perfect and each person in a relationship has their own wants, need and desires. When that happens, and naturally so, conflict arises.
I had an argument like that the other night. I was digging in my heals about something I wanted and so was he. We both felt “wronged” and not listened to. I had one with my son as well … it was about the dreaded Xbox. I imposed my will and unplugged it. Yea, there’s the adult in me! But it didn’t solve the problem of how to manage this devil shaped like an electronic device (and I showing too many cards here??).
In both these situations, I didn’t handle the conflict well. I have a tendency to want to bolt – run away as fast as I can. Give my 2 cents and leave. Some like to duke it out. Others get frustrated and say things they wish they had not said in the heat of anger. Hmm, sounds familiar to me!
We (I) need to learn how to point out concerns and correct behavior but in a respectful way. Quick forgiveness doesn’t teach anything. Prolonged punishment or avoidance doesn’t either. We really must do the hard work to solve problems. Discussion and a process for change really are the most effective. Being fair about what the problem is, not pointing fingers and giving examples of what might work “better” is way more effective.
The truth is, that we have to start with enough self-confidence to not take everything personally. If our partner or child tries to talk to us about a problem and all we hear is “you’re not good enough” or “you’re not smart enough” or “I don’t love you” than the issue is with us, not them. We’ve got to fix that first. Well, I’ve got to fix that first – you all are probably way more enlightened!
I’m going to do myself and those close to me a favor … I’m going to take the time to learn the skills to use effective communication skills and not take everything personally. Sounds easier than I think it will be but it is definitely worth a try!
Have a great day!
theyearof50 