By now, it’s no surprise that I have my fair share of flaws. Some of them big and some of them easily hidden (yea, right!). My cave is the place that I use to protect myself from one of those flaws – it’s the “f” word – fear.
We all have fear and it usually manifests like this: You are having what seems like a peaceful day and then all of a sudden a hurricane blows in. One of those big arguments that come out of nowhere and leave you wondering what the h*** happened?
Those crazy-making fights that blind side us are usually based on or fed by unspoken fears. Most of us have spent years developing strategies to control or protect us from our fears. Yet, fear is not a wallflower that will just sit idly by. No, fear wants to be out there – in front and ready to be heard.
Here’s an example: A husband feels isolated and lonely in his marriage because his wife is always busy with kids, etc. and no time for him. Instead of labeling his fear of abandonment, he gets angry and fights with her about a non-issue. She, gets defensive, doesn’t understand (because the wrong issue is on the table) and will ignore or check out. These scenarios can also happen with our children who have an even greater difficult naming their fears.
I know some want to look back and find the basis of their fear. But, my feeling is this: We all have it … who cares where it came from? We just need to deal with it!
I think the critical step to working through a fear situation is to actually name the fear – i.e. fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of vulnerability, etc. . Once it’s named it’s really less scary. We also have to focus on the fear itself, not what the other person is doing wrong (even if they are doing something “wrong”). Focusing on the fear will allow for more open communications. Listening, of course – something which is difficult to do when you are operating under the cloud of fear – will also move the ball toward resolution of your feelings and allow the other person to express theirs.
While I am not going to be deposed as an expert on relationships (not yet anyway!), I do know there is no getting around or away from fear. So, accepting it as a part of our family and our relationships, will help limit its effect on our lives. Fear will no longer be person you’ve unfriended on FB, the person who causes you to go down a different isle at the grocery store. Fear will become more like a puppy – always a part of your life (whether here or not) … sometimes it really needs your full attention and sometimes it just needs you to be there to play.
Have a great Saturday!
theyearof50 