Monthly Archives: July 2013

What’s happening to me? I think I might finally have a quantifiable reason for therapy (as if the other 100 reasons weren’t enough!).

Monday we had one of those big black flies moving back and forth through our kitchen.  It was driving me crazy.  My first swipe at it resulted in the screen falling off the window.  The second, I spilled a glass of juice.

The third time I knew I got him, but all I could find was a wing left on the kitchen table.  My heart broke.  Where was he (notice I named him a “he”)?  How was I left with one wing?  Then I saw him.  Flopping around on the table – wingless.  I had to pick him up, smash him in a napkin and throw him away.  I felt horrible.

Have I become too soft at 50?  Am I going to be afraid to swat Minnesota’s state bird (mosquitos – for those of you not from MN) as it’s sucking my blood?  Will I have issues with setting a trap for mice (praying that I don’t have any), rather than just letting them scurry around?

Honestly, this seems serious.

A few weeks ago, our kitchen was suddenly overrun with ants. The little ones. Marching all over the floor and picking up every little piece of food dropped by the kids (and there’s a lot!)   This resulted in an ant tsunami where I literally took a wet paper towel and swiped up a few hundred of them.  I wondered if the ants thought I was a cruel and powerful force of nature.  I am, aren’t I?

I never think twice when I am paying the exterminator to get rid of those box elder bugs or the bees (actually, I did bee spraying last night too!).

I’m feeling a little violent with all the killing.  In fact, I hate to admit this but last year I had a huge ant hill in my backyard.  So, I did the only thing a civilized woman could do — I poured a large bucket of boiling water into the ant holes and stood there.  I almost felt like they were screaming to me.

All of a sudden I’m worrying about the karmic effect on my life for killing these creatures.  But fair is fair, if you’re going to invade my territory.  Thank goodness I’m a vegetarian!

Have a fantastic day!

We’ve been talking a lot about our feelings at my house.  About how much energy goes into stuffing feelings or hanging on to negative feelings rather than letting go and enjoying life.

It’s hard to say “no” when you don’t want to do something.  We just stuff it and say “yes” and then we beat ourselves over saying yes.  Then, we get frustrated with ourselves for continuing to use energy on these stupid things and then we try to bottle it up and move on.  Yes, I agree with the “letting go motto.”  But, there’s also the need to give ourselves permission to feel angry.  And, when we don’t, we inhibit our ability to say what’s on our mind without fear of losing the love or respect of others.

The problem is, as we’ve been discussing in my house, hurt feelings are inevitable in life particularly in our fast-paced world of imperfect communication between people.  The trick to letting go of our hurt feelings is to express those feelings appropriately.  “What do you mean?”  “What does that look like?”  they asked.

I reminded them of the typical scenario:  We hold our feelings in, thinking it will be ok, then at some minor infraction we explode out of proportion, often bewildering everyone around us and causing us to be disappointed in us!

I like to think of anger as a constructive emotion.  It’s a sign to me that I am hurt and I must find a way to resolve the issue.  This is a critical first step.  Resolution means listening to your own needs and not trying to convince others of your same needs.

Changing, as my son reminded me yesterday, is not an overnight process.  He’s absolutely right.  To begin, we first must learn to set limits with others and begin the process of stopping the repetitive tapes being played in our minds.   We need to stop worrying about pleasing everyone.  We also need to (mostly because we don’t feel great about ourselves) stop discounting compliments we receive and accept them!

So, our motto at home this week is to take responsibility for our own actions and our own feelings.  To let go when appropriate and to express our emotions in a respectful way.  So far, so good and we are half-way through the week!  We’ve also decided to recognize that each of us is going to be part of the problem and part of the solution.  This is tough for 14 and 16 year olds – but they seem to be getting my drift!  Gotta start ’em young!

Have a great day!

I met someone about 3 weeks back.  I wanted to write about it but I wasn’t sure what to do, so I didn’t.  Yesterday, I saw him again.  I’m still not sure what to do about it but I’m going to write the story anyway.

I first met him at Caribou near my office.  We were joking about the Caribou question of the day.  We got to talking about our kids and how they would just google the answer in line before they bought their “coffee.”  We, of course, wouldn’t think of doing that! He told me he has 5 kids and that he and his wife had been married 25 years (I think – I can’t recall exactly).

Then, as we were waiting for the actual drinks, he said that his wife had just told him that she’d cheated on him and he was trying to decide what to do next (At first I wanted to run.  I was just there for a sparkling tea!).  He loved her but thought maybe it was time to move on.  He worried about his kids, he still loved his wife … but he was very angry about what she did.  (At one point, I again looked around for the Candid Camera, camera … what the heck!?).

I shared a bit of my own experiences and said that he should only leave if he was sure he wouldn’t look back and wonder if he gave it his all at repairing.  His wife wanted to stay together.  We had our drinks by now and as we were leaving, I said I would send my positive thoughts his way.  He apologized for saying so much and thanked me for listening.

I debated writing about it but decided it was a freak thing and what was I going to write anyway?  That I met a stranger who told me a sad story?

Yesterday, at a different coffee shop, I ran into him again.  He walked up and asked if I was Jessica (he remembered my name and I could not remember his).   I realized who it was and asked how things were going.  He said that he left the coffee shop that day, called his wife, asked her to lunch, they talked all afternoon and decided to get into counseling.  He said it’s a struggle for him but he’s trying.  He also said that the day we met, he was planning on meeting someone else – he was feeling spiteful.  But after we talked, he cancelled and called his wife.

I wonder why life is so crazy?  Why is it easier to talk with strangers than other people?   (What kind of vibes am I sending out!?)  I have no conclusions here.  Only that relationships are hard work, but worth it with the right person — and talking to strangers must be easier!  I’ll have to keep getting coffee to see how this one plays out.  Fingers crossed!

Have a great day!

As you know, I’m Italian. I say that as if it explains everything about me … maybe it does.  We all experience the same emotions and most often, we deal with them in the same way.  I can tell you that my Italian family cries, hugs and laughs a lot (and the laughing usually results in more crying!).

My last remaining aunt (my mother’s sister) cried this weekend. The most heartbreaking was when she saw my daughter. I could see it coming and I could feel it myself. She grabbed her and just started to hug her and sobbed. I couldn’t help myself and cried too. Later that night, my daughter asked why my aunt cried when she hugged her. I reminded my daughter of how much she looks like the Grassi family and that she is a direct reminder to my aunt of the loss of her “favorite” sister (my mom). I cried because it hit me just how much my mom would have loved this whole experience of her grandkids becoming adults. My daughter nodded with some understanding. Friends, if your parents are still around, tell them how much you love them.

I cried when I was watching one of my favorite movies in the hotel – When Harry Met Sally. I love watching how slowly, ever so slowly, the walls come down between these two people … in such a real way. We all have those walls and we all need to find ways to let them down in safe situations (and sometimes even when we’re not so sure it’s safe).

I watched my daughter tear up (and I, of course cried) as she said good-bye to the girls from development camp. I know that feeling. People come into your life and they mean something. They make a difference. Some of them you will never see again (like some of the people I happen upon in my life). Some, will become long-standing friends (like these girls with my daughter).  But, saying good-bye, regardless of the circumstances, is one of life’s most emotional experiences.

I cried saying good-bye to my family. These are the members of my mom’s family that I don’t often see.  I am reminded of how much I love and miss them each time I visit.  I am also reminded how easy it is to reconnect with those you truly love (family and friends).  I miss you guys already!

So, all in all a typical weekend with me. Tears, tears, a lot of laughing and hugging everyone I could (including the parents of my daughter’s new friend).  Hey, why not – I’m Italian!!

Here we go — the second half of summer. Let’s ENJOY! Have a wonderful day!

Have you noticed that when you’re happy about something that’s completely unrelated to your looks is the moment you shine the most? Maybe you earned a promotion or finished a tough race.  It’s that sense of achievement that makes us feel beautiful and good about ourselves. True beauty comes from within.

Ask yourself the question: What do I know for sure?  What’s your list?

I know a few things for sure, I think:  I know my kids came from me and their dad.  I know that I’m sitting in front of a computer right now.  I know I’ve got a few bug bites from the last few days!   And, I know that I can hear the birds chirping.  

I believe that the sun will rise in the morning because I believe that it is likely that the pattern of the sun rising will repeat itself. I also believe that the earth revolves on its axis giving the impression of the sun “rising” every morning.  But am I sure it will happen tomorrow? Of course, the universe is subject to scientific laws and is generally consistent, right?  But, does the universe exists entirely within my own mind?  Maybe a little much for a Friday after a holiday but you get my point.

Every thing that we believe we “know” for sure is actually based on our own assumptions about reality.

I assume that the universe obeys scientific laws and is objective. Unfortunately, that’s an assumption I have to make, rather than an undeniable truth, because it would be impossible to prove that claim (sorry Dad).  But my point is not a scientific one (Obviously.  I’m an attorney!)  My point is that these assumptions or “constructs” we build in our minds to understand reality can be incredibly useful and incredibly destructive. 

I’ve come to realize that we have a built-in feedback mechanism — an inner GPS — that allows us to get accurate feedback on who we are and where we’re at.  However, we don’t always use our own GPS — in fact, sometimes we physically shut it off when it’s “bothering” us or we use someone elses!

The only way to really know anything is to listen to your inner voice – your true, authentic self.  It’s your compass…your directional force.  I’ve learned in this last year that it’s essential to pay attention to the whispers of my inner voice, those quiet nudges to make a change, to go on a different path in my life.

But, it takes courage.  Courage to take a no-holds barred, clear-eyed look at your life.  To pay attention to your own feelings and authentic inner voice and give them credence. It takes courage to take charge of your life and make your own decisions and to focus on what’s important to you, not someone else.

Take a look at your GPS.  Is it taking you where you want to go?  If not, throw in some fresh batteries and fire it up again.   Then, decide where you want to be, set the address and enjoy the ride!  

Today, my GPS is set for Connecticut to get my daughter!  I hope you all have a great start to your weekend!  

My daughter would say that 14 years ago today, her life ended.  I would say that 14 years ago, my life changed – in the most fantastic and dramatic of ways.

I learned I was pregnant with twins, when I was at the doctor’s office, bleeding and waiting to be told I was miscarrying.  I was, but I was also pregnant with two more.  I remember sobbing.  I was scared, excited and very shocked.  A million things were running through my head:  How would I carry them to term?  How would I work with three kids under three? Yikes, we needed a new car!

The pregnancy was beautifully simple, other than my size!  On the 4th of July 1999, I took my daughter to the park.  I was 3 1/2 weeks from my due date. Then, I felt something.  Intuition.  I brought her home and went to the ER.  One of them had pushed the other’s cord so far down that if my water broke, one would not survive.  I would not leave the hospital without giving birth.  There was no choice and the 4th would be the day – two healthy boys … 6.2 and 6.11.

However, their birth was followed with great sadness.  My mom was diagnosed the day I came home with the boys and died 6 weeks later.  In that period, I had surgery, one of the boys had surgery, I was trying to work and we were trying to manage two infants, a 2-year-old, a home construction project and taking care of my mother. Life.

Now, here we are.  I have two amazing and oh-so-different boys! They don’t like when I write about them but I forewarned them.  One asked me to write about the birth of the US today.  The other ignored me.  Story of my life.

My blonde son looks much like his father.  He’s an extrovert.  He is a very deep thinker.  He wonders about his purpose in the world and how he will make a difference.  He’s funny and a sports statistics savant.  We love him!

My brown-haired one is an introvert.  He’s quick at solving problems, he can fix anything, he’s Italian and one of the most sensitive boys I know.  It makes life difficult now but it will serve him well later in life. We’ll keep this one too!

Here’s how I lucked out: deep down, as tough as it is to be a non-identical twin, they really do love one other.  And, even better, they’ve got the moral compass that I long for with my children.  I could go tomorrow, if that was the plan, and they would know to follow the direction set for them.  Sure, they’ll make mistakes.  But they unquestionably know about how to be in the world. Thanks, boys, for making that a priority in your lives.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY guys!!!  I’m so lucky that you came into my life and I’m thankful for every (almost – 🙂 ) minute we’re together.  I really could not have asked for a better set of sons!

Love you!!!  XOXO

Three times yesterday, I was presented with a “message” that apparently I needed to hear.

In the morning, I was at a coffee shop and I, not surprisingly, struck up a conversation with a stranger.  We were discussing what we do to get going in the morning.  He told me that when his wife was alive, the two of them took a few minutes every morning to talk about their upcoming day over a cup of coffee.  It started him off right.  Now, that she’s gone, he’s not sure what to do in the morning.  He said, “We are what we repeatedly do,”  and given his life change, he didn’t know how to create a new and positive morning habit.  I have to admit, I kind of didn’t hear the quote, because I was focused on his story.

When I was out to lunch, the person I was with talked to me about a quote that he lives by, “We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then is not an act, but a habit.”  I immediately realized that this was the quote I had heard earlier.  Hmm.   I meant to look it up but got tied up during the day.

Later in the evening, I had a “communication” with a friend that reminded me of this quote and by the time I was going to bed, I noticed on FB that a friend had this quote!  Ok, enough already!  I looked up the quote and here’s the message I got:

It is important to make positive thoughts and actions a habit in our lives, both individually and collectively.  It is important also for us to learn mental skills which we can use to protect ourselves from negativity and hence make the world a better place to be.

We create our own reality.  We do that by continually and automatically playing our same old tapes over and over again.  This leaves us truly unable to seek positive change in our lives.

Excellence (in any area of our lives) is not an act, it is a habit.  It is about investing in the direction you want to go and focusing on it in a habitually positive manner.  We are what we repeatedly do.  When we get into the same behavior patterns, the same eating habits and the same communication patterns, we need to recognize what we are doing and then commit to something different and commit to doing the right thing (excellence) over and over again.

Maybe these “messages” to me were a reminder to move on from any negativity in my life to a better place.  To stop playing the old tapes and being in the same old negative situations and to really make a change.   In fact, if we all moved away from those places of negativity, I think the collective conscience of the world – would become a better place.

The “birthday” is almost here.  Enjoy today!