Monthly Archives: July 2013

Mental-health care has come a long way since the remedy of choice was trepanation — drilling holes into the skull to release “evil spirits.”  Now we have all different kinds of “help” from actual physicians to life coaches.

Everyone is exposed to stress, but we all handle it in different ways. For some, there’s emotional eating, tobacco use and having a few drinks (something I might like to try, just once!).  This stress comes from all avenues, such as work, relationships, kids, money, and on and on.

“They” say that stress can seriously derail your efforts to look and feel younger.   So, rather than spend too much money on facial creams and surgery, I run.  I run.  I run and run and run.  I go to yoga, swim, bike and just about anything else I can find.  My son asked me the other day if I was addicted to anything.  I said YES!  Running!

I don’t know about endorphin-thing.  I’ve experienced them at mile 17 at the marathon.  Instead of hitting the famed “wall,”  I get reenergized (it’s mile 22 where I hit the wall).  But, I do feel better on a day when I have a great work out.  I know the physical effects make a difference and my kids agree.  Maybe, I’ve already mentioned this but on days when I’m crabby, they kids will actually ask if I’m going for a run soon!  I hate when they actually “get” my s$$$!

Yet, as I write this, I’ve not yet gone out for my run.  But I know I will get it in soon and hopefully before one of the kids has to ask!

Have a great day and get out for some “therapy!”

There are some songs that stick with us and mean something.  I have lots of songs that I love from Elton John (although I’m not sure I understand all the words), the Beatles, Prince (showing my age yet?), etc.   The Man in the Mirror was one of Michael Jackson’s songs with a theme that I really believe in – changing the world.

Sometimes my kids will ask how they can change the world with so much pain and poverty in our country and around the world.  It’s a good question and my answer is usually the same; Every day think about what you can do to make a difference.

Some of us will have jobs or the ability to make big, sweeping changes for groups of people, some of us will do it one day at time, in smaller ways.  Both are critical to the collective good.  But the first step is to look in the mirror and ask yourself, how can I change?  How can I be a role model for change? How can I step outside myself to see all those things I can do to make a difference?

So, no matter how you feel about the way he lived his life, it’s hard to argue that Michael Jackson was an amazing artist and had some incredible words to live by:

I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right…

As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer’s disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man’s soul
They follow each other on the wind ya’ know
‘Cause they got nowhere to go
That’s why I want you to know

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
(Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)

I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It’s time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they’re not alone?
A willow deeply scarred, somebody’s broken heart
And a washed-out dream.

(refrain)

Have a really wonderful day!

I wonder what this says about me?  I didn’t start really training until I was going through my divorce … doesn’t everyone start kickboxing and training for a marathon when getting divorced???  My first marathon was at age 40.  I’ve done 4 or 5 since then, lots of 1/2 marathons and now triathlons.  I love the training!  I hate the competition.

The racing is not that fun for me.  I bring this up because my training partner is doing her first tri of the year today and she and I have a 1/3 Ironman Relay next weekend (I do the swim/run and she does the bike – which I think is brutal!).  I am only looking forward to it because I have a partner to do it with.  Sure, I can swim 1+ miles in a lake and run 9.  It’s tough, but very doable.  It’s just the thought of having to do it for time, not for fun!  I find it stressful … and maybe that’s what true athletes like!

My training runs are so fun!  I often go out with a group of fantastic women.  We chat about everything under the sun. We stop for water, the bathroom (thankfully) and still sweat and get in a work out.  When I run my 9 next weekend, I won’t be chatting with people (although I may stop at a bathroom!) and I will be trying to run those miles as fast as I can without throwing up (a common occurrence for me!).   Not as fun as my training runs!

When I train in the lake it is peaceful and enjoyable (unless I’m swimming with my daughter – then I feel like I have to keep track of her even though she’s a stronger swimmer than me!).  I’m not fighting off huge guys (and women) in wet suits (I don’t wear one), kicking me in the face and whacking me everywhere else.

So, why do it?  Why not go to yoga and count the ceiling tiles?  I really don’t have a good answer for that one.  It’s just one of those things I do in the summer so that I get that question from my kids  … “Did you win?”  Remember, the older I get, the slower the age group time and the closer I get to winning.  Check in with me when I get to the 80-85 bracket.  We’re sure to see a win then — if I can cross the finish line!

Good luck to all those racers out there today – and to those who are going off to do runs with their friends (like me!)!  Have a great Saturday.

Often in the course of life we are brought together due to a single event in tragedy or celebration. One pivotal moment that unifies the world for a moment in time. Often these events remain in our memory bank for generations to come.  The same is true in our own lives.  We do something with our children or partner that will become a critical memory for us, grandchildren are born, etc.  They are events that are often life changing.

There are also moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads.  We know that the choice(s) we make will define the rest of our days: college, relationships, children.  Of course, when faced with the unknown there is the immediate reaction to turn around and go back.  But, we don’t.  We can’t.

My year of 50 has been one of those “moments” where I’ve felt at a crossroads.  I’ve made some turns and have not stood still, but I’ve looked around.  Almost through a lens to make sure that I am focused on the things to be grateful for, rather than the things I want to accomplish.  Because, I know that the latter type of view is a never-ending race for happiness and fulfillment.  I don’t want to live that way – I know you don’t either.

As usual, I am pushing the envelope on time.  I’ve just biked with a friend and stopped at Home Depot.  It’s 95 degrees and I want to get home.  Plus, I’ve got three kids waiting for me who are hungry (I am too) and I’m walking quickly to my car.  As I get in I see a woman from the parking lot trying to waive me down.  I really try not to look.  I don’t want to get slowed down.

She catches my eye and asks me if they can use my car to jump theirs.  I don’t want to.  I want to get home.  I don’t give my whole-hearted yes but I do say OK.  I was not feeling the love or desire to help them.

As I pull over, another guy drives his car up to help them. They waive me off and I leave and go home.  I felt so guilty.  Why was I in such a hurry that I couldn’t help a stranger?  How would I have felt if it was me who needed a jump and some cold woman begrudgingly was my only option?  I thought about it all night (obviously, as I’m writing about it today!).

There are times when a sense of guilt can motivate us to make amends, change a destructive pattern or own up to a mistake. Once the wrong has been righted, this sense of guilt is often replaced with a sense of relief. But how do you let go of those things that you just wanted to say “no” to.  Where you’re either going to disappoint the person who asked or disappoint yourself?

Disappointing the expectations of others is something we all experience. Our partners, kids, co-workers, friends and family – can and will have ideas about who we are and what we should or shouldn’t do.

While it’s difficult to disappoint others, we have to understand that it will occur if we are to have any hope of living true to our deepest selves.  In other words, if I try to keep everyone else happy (i.e. fulfilling their expectations of me) I will truly not be able to tell what I need or desire.

There’s no formula for not being able to disappoint others and being true to ourselves, but a crucial first step is to understand that we often fear disappointing others because we don’t want to lose their love and respect and we think that who we are is making other’s happy.  The former is not true and the latter will only occur with people we really don’t care about.

In the end, I was glad not to stop to help these people.  I have to acknowledge that.  I know I help others and I know that there are times when I need to put myself first.  This, my friends, is a tough job for me.  I am (we are) just a work in progress.

Have a wonderful day!

I got a new toy and it’s forced me to think a bit more about my marriage to Mr. George Forman (GF).  Yes, we love our GF.  We make burgers, paninis, grilled cheese and grilled PB & J (awesome)!  But recently my sister told me about a new gadget.  A new love.  It’s something called the NutriBullet!

Maybe you have one?  It’s this cool little “blender” for smoothies, but it’s more than a regular blender.  This one pulverizes nuts and any frozen fruit into fantastic drinks.  It’s so easy that even my kids can make one without a huge mess or a million questions.

Lest you think I am being paid some royalty, I’m not.  And, I am so not a gadget person.  I’m just a mom who can’t seem to get any vegetables down the throats of my kids unless they are slathered in dressing or cooked until soggy.   Should I worry about all the articles I read about how damaged my children are going to be because of the “lack of a balanced diet.”  Will they look back and point a finger at my not forcing vegetables on them?

Pleeeaaasssse.  They would eat food off the floor because they are so hungry.  I can’t keep enough good food or junk food in the house and, I’m supposed to make sure they have the right amount of vegetables each day?  No way!   Yet, with this amazing thing, I can blend some spinach in with chocolate protein and strawberries and they don’t notice a thing (as long as I do it before they see what I put in!).

Now I’m on a mission to find things to blend up!  I’ve tried nuts, peanut butter (not a great idea), cereal (just an experiment) and apples (super cool!).   We’ve tried different powders, fruits and some vegetables (tried my all time favorite Kale — yuck!).

This was the extent of my excitement yesterday.  Thankfully, no creeps in the elevator, a nice 1.2 mile swim in the lake with my daughter, a glass of wine and a long and fun conversation with a good friend to top off the night (not to mention some work in there — lest my assistant think I did nothing last night!)

I am off to blend some new concoction!

I hope you have a great day (stay cool!).

Yesterday had some good and some oddities to it.  It started out with my sleeping in (6 a.m. – yea!) and having a leisurely cup of tea with the paper. By 8:30 I was out the door.  I get into the office only to find a bit of a disaster, but I decide to remain calm, start putting out the fire and heading out for a work-related lunch.

The lunch was at my favorite place – Panera.  Love the soup and salad combo! These were new work-related contacts.  But, as soon as I walked in I knew it would be fun!  Ever have those experiences, where you meet someone and know immediately that this is going to be a friendship – not just a “meeting?”  We talked about everything non-work, including grocery shopping and bodily functions.  I’m sure that’s TMI but it tells you how fun it was!  Thanks for having lunch with me (in case she reads the blog)!

When I got back to the office building, this was my next interaction:

(Elevator dings and I get on with a guy whose got a big comb over, looks quite disheveled and about 65 … but who’s looking???)

Guy:  You were fast getting on the elevator.

Me: Yea, I’ve got a lot of work to do when I get up there.

Guy: Why are you working? Why don’t you go to a bar and meet a rich guy. (I’m thinking, who the f@#$ is this guy?  I look up and catch him looking at my ring hand.  He looks at me and smirks).

Guy: You won’t have to work a minute if you marry a rich guy.

Me: Really?  Gosh, never thought of that. (Please g-d, get to the 17th floor asap!).

Guy: Seriously.  It’s the way to go and you can do it.  Just go find a rich guy and then you don’t have to go to work.

Me: Hmm, maybe I’m doing the wrong thing by pushing my kids to go to college.  Maybe I should push the rich marriage thing. (I’m just hoping he gets my  sarcastic “drift” here).

Guy: Yes! You should!  (He mentioned something about them going to a bible college but I didn’t want to ask for any clarification). You should tell them about my idea!

Me: Well, don’t you think I might go down in the history books as a bad mom if I did that?

Guy: (the elevator gets to 17 and as I walk (sprint) out, I hear)  No!  You’d be ahead of the game!  Take my word for it … (the door closes).

Here’s my thinking:  If you want to pick me up or just act like a crazy creepy person in an elevator – then you better be attractive with no comb over and not look like you’d just had sex in the back of a car.

Who are these people and how do they find me?

I hope we have a normal day today!

I recall being in fights with former partners where I (or he) would bring up an issue to be discussed and rather than my partner dealing with the issue, he would bring up something totally different! Then shots are being fired across the bow and while the words were being heard, neither of us was listening to the other person. The end result was that rather than digging into the one issue and resolving it, the issue was shoved aside and no issues were resolved. We know how this story ends!

The antidotes to blame are simple:

1. State your complaint without criticizing or accusing, which is admittedly not an easy thing to do. But in it’s most simplistic form, here’s an example: If your husband was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning and he forgot, say, “Shoot, my laundry isn’t here,” and don’t add one more word. As opposed to, “I can’t believe you forgot the dry cleaning again!” The former will elicit an “I’m so sorry.” The latter, defensiveness.

2. Let’s get over ourselves (I say that nicely, of course). We are not perfect and neither is our partner. We can’t fix or change our partner and any attempts to do so will drive them away … far, far away. Which is usually the opposite result the partner wanted.

3. Find one thing that you can own – I mean really own. There will be at least one thing. If not, (meaning you can’t even admit to one) – well, that’s a relationship killer. When you own it, change it. Words mean less than actions.

4. Don’t wait for the other person to say “I’m sorry,” unless you are always the one taking the first step, then that’s an issue. And, don’t just say you’re sorry … do something about it. Mean business.

Even with my own children, I’ve tried to pay attention to when the finger-pointing starts. And, it’s easy to do when we’re mad. But if we look inward and take stock of where we could be going wrong, that will certainly change the dynamic of the conversation and maybe (hopefully) even the relationship.

Enjoy the start of another beautiful week!

I’ve lived 50 years without really knowing what it means to take care of all of me –  how to say “no” instead of “yes.”  There’s no question that I’m good at doing things for others.  And, there’s no question that I look like I’m taking care of myself.  And I am – the outside of me.  My question is, am I taking care of the inside of me?

My 40’s were great, even though I had some instability in my personal life, divorce, relationships and a health scare.  I ran marathons, triathlons and lots in between.  My kids grew up into fantastic human beings and I became much more self-confident and comfortable in my own skin.  Isn’t that what your 40’s are about?

Sometimes, however, I buried my vulnerability. I played the resilience card. I sought out quick-fixes. Sometimes I was unhappy in my personal life but I convinced myself I was okay.  I wasn’t always taking care of myself emotionally, I was taking care of others.  Unconsciously, I played “I’ll take care of myself later” card when I should have used the “I need to take care of myself now,” card.

Somewhere along the overachieving path and spending too much time looking into the future, I lost myself.  I forgot how to take care of my inner world.  I forgot that I get to say “no” rather than “yes” all the time.  I also continued to worry more about disappointing others than about disappointing myself.

I am trying to live my life differently now.  Yes, I have strong tapes that want to play into my insecurities and vulnerabilities.  Yes, I want everyone to be happy.  But, intellectually I know that’s not possible.  If I make everyone else happy, I am inevitably forgetting me.

My advice to myself (and you):

Listen to your body and my mind.  Trust your intuition.  Let go of the people and tapes that harm your psyche – those that have their back … not yours.  Don’t let others bring you down.  Their negativity is their problem.  Practice saying “no” when you need to (and when you want to).   Ask yourself questions and allow for the possibility that you won’t always have the answers.  Look for those special people in the world who love you unconditionally.  Don’t let others guilt you into decisions and don’t be afraid to disappoint someone … just don’t disappoint yourself.

With that focus, I have a feeling that the world will look different – kinder, more meaningful,  and more compassionate as will the people in your life.  You will have shown those in your orbit how important self-care and love for oneself really is.  It’s not until you’re at that point, that you can truly love someone else.

Have a peaceful day.

I’m tired of taking care of my house.  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … I need a wife (and it’s more likely now than before!).  There’s always something to do here.  And, no matter how many times I do dishes or laundry, there’s still more to do.

I’m sure every mom has thought about it — how much would I get paid for this non-stop job, if I was getting paid in dollars?  A friend sent me an article, posted on Mother’s Day by Salary.com, which answered this question.

They calculated how much a mom would make by comparing it to the cost to an employer if they had to pay cash for all the jobs that moms do.  The surveyed more than 10,000 moms who picked their top 10 “mom jobs:” housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, facilities manager, van driver, psychologist, laundry operator, janitor and CEO.   Then, they calculated the yearly mom salary for both working and stay-at-home moms!

Based on time spent doing the 10 jobs chosen, the annual salary for the stay-at-home mom was $122,732. Working moms ‘at-home salary was $76,184 (this is in addition to the salary they earn in the workplace).  OMG.  I could be rich!  But who would be paying me???  Oh, and the figure includes approximately 55 hours of overtime for the mom at home and 17 hours of overtime for the working mom.

Maybe I am just sick of the rain.  Or, maybe I am just sick of the laundry, dishes, bill paying, sweeping, dusting and refilling the toilet paper at every turn.   Of course, I’m not known for being a complainer and the rewards we get in lieu of cash are priceless.  But, I still wish I could get back in bed, go back to sleep and let someone else feed, cook, clean and drive the kids today!

Now, that I’ve done all that … if the rain would stop, I could go for a run without my fins!

Have a great one!