I’m my own best defensive back (football analogy).

I am really, really good at being defensive.  In fact, painfully so.  Yet, at those moments when I am being defensive (and get stuck), I really do know that I am sending the wrong message to my partner or kids that their ideas or experiences or even feelings are wrong (and that I’m right).  This is not the person I want to be.

In the “old” days, it made sense that we needed to defend our honor or our family when being attacked.  But, we’re a bit more evolved now, right?  Looking at my own history (because why should I point out anyone else’s history??), I am defensive when I don’t feel safe or feel attacked. So, I pick up my sword (which is quite sharp) and attack.  Nothing positive is going to come from this scenario.

Isn’t it easier to point out how someone else needs to change rather than look at our own s***.    We think that pointing out what is “wrong” with someone will result in a change that we want.  Yet, I (maybe we) often forget that: people only change when they want to, not when we want them to.

I read a great analogy once – relationships are like a baby mobile, if you tug on one side, everything changes.  Tug at the other side, and you get a completely different result.  I totally agree.   If we shift our behavior, our partner (or child/friend) will have to shift their behavior in response.  Try shifting it the opposite way, and it will change.

I’ve been in some defensive conversations lately and here are a few things I think will help deal with my (our?) defensive behaviors:

1. Keep track of when and where we become defensive.  What is setting me or us off? Awareness is critical.

2. When I feel I’m getting into a defensive mode, I ask questions rather than expressing my frustrations.  Better to be sure I understand before talking!

3. Try to listen more and know that I will get my thoughts out at some point but it doesn’t have to result in my interrupting someone else out of fear that I won’t be heard.

4. I (try) not to demand anything – not even an apology.

5. Remember that the end goal is not just for someone to win or be right.  But, for everyone to feel good about the result.

So, I hope you have a wonderful start to your weekend and if in Minnesota — stay warm!