As usual, I am pushing the envelope on time. I’ve just biked with a friend and stopped at Home Depot. It’s 95 degrees and I want to get home. Plus, I’ve got three kids waiting for me who are hungry (I am too) and I’m walking quickly to my car. As I get in I see a woman from the parking lot trying to waive me down. I really try not to look. I don’t want to get slowed down.
She catches my eye and asks me if they can use my car to jump theirs. I don’t want to. I want to get home. I don’t give my whole-hearted yes but I do say OK. I was not feeling the love or desire to help them.
As I pull over, another guy drives his car up to help them. They waive me off and I leave and go home. I felt so guilty. Why was I in such a hurry that I couldn’t help a stranger? How would I have felt if it was me who needed a jump and some cold woman begrudgingly was my only option? I thought about it all night (obviously, as I’m writing about it today!).
There are times when a sense of guilt can motivate us to make amends, change a destructive pattern or own up to a mistake. Once the wrong has been righted, this sense of guilt is often replaced with a sense of relief. But how do you let go of those things that you just wanted to say “no” to. Where you’re either going to disappoint the person who asked or disappoint yourself?
Disappointing the expectations of others is something we all experience. Our partners, kids, co-workers, friends and family – can and will have ideas about who we are and what we should or shouldn’t do.
While it’s difficult to disappoint others, we have to understand that it will occur if we are to have any hope of living true to our deepest selves. In other words, if I try to keep everyone else happy (i.e. fulfilling their expectations of me) I will truly not be able to tell what I need or desire.
There’s no formula for not being able to disappoint others and being true to ourselves, but a crucial first step is to understand that we often fear disappointing others because we don’t want to lose their love and respect and we think that who we are is making other’s happy. The former is not true and the latter will only occur with people we really don’t care about.
In the end, I was glad not to stop to help these people. I have to acknowledge that. I know I help others and I know that there are times when I need to put myself first. This, my friends, is a tough job for me. I am (we are) just a work in progress.
Have a wonderful day!
theyearof50 