I recall being in fights with former partners where I (or he) would bring up an issue to be discussed and rather than my partner dealing with the issue, he would bring up something totally different! Then shots are being fired across the bow and while the words were being heard, neither of us was listening to the other person. The end result was that rather than digging into the one issue and resolving it, the issue was shoved aside and no issues were resolved. We know how this story ends!
The antidotes to blame are simple:
1. State your complaint without criticizing or accusing, which is admittedly not an easy thing to do. But in it’s most simplistic form, here’s an example: If your husband was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning and he forgot, say, “Shoot, my laundry isn’t here,” and don’t add one more word. As opposed to, “I can’t believe you forgot the dry cleaning again!” The former will elicit an “I’m so sorry.” The latter, defensiveness.
2. Let’s get over ourselves (I say that nicely, of course). We are not perfect and neither is our partner. We can’t fix or change our partner and any attempts to do so will drive them away … far, far away. Which is usually the opposite result the partner wanted.
3. Find one thing that you can own – I mean really own. There will be at least one thing. If not, (meaning you can’t even admit to one) – well, that’s a relationship killer. When you own it, change it. Words mean less than actions.
4. Don’t wait for the other person to say “I’m sorry,” unless you are always the one taking the first step, then that’s an issue. And, don’t just say you’re sorry … do something about it. Mean business.
Even with my own children, I’ve tried to pay attention to when the finger-pointing starts. And, it’s easy to do when we’re mad. But if we look inward and take stock of where we could be going wrong, that will certainly change the dynamic of the conversation and maybe (hopefully) even the relationship.
Enjoy the start of another beautiful week!
theyearof50 