Monthly Archives: July 2013

My son recently asked me why I seem excited about everything, even the “stuff” that’s not really exciting to him.  He wanted to know if I also felt that way inside or if it was just on the outside (love the questions of 14-year-old boys!).

I told him that I once read a quote by an unknown author,

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” 

Now, let’s be honest: I am not happy or excited all the time.  But he’s talking about something a bit different.  He’s talking about a sense that I always seem happy.  In his mind, how can one be happy and excited so often?  Great question

So, when he asked me “how” I gave him this:

1. I enjoy the now and never look to tomorrow for happiness. How many ways can we say this?  As weird as it seems, the ability to appreciate what’s in front of us has nothing to do with what we have. It’s about how we choose to see the things in our life.

2. I love smiling and it feels good. Studies have shown that people who express more positive emotions with smiles are more mentally focused, have more successful marriages and enjoy a greater sense of well-being.  Plus, there is no question that feeling joy can improve your health (mental and physical).

3. Notice the details in life. This was the one I really wanted him to understand.  In life, we can get everything we want and still experience life’s highs and lows. If we haven’t learned to enjoy the little things – to notice the details – our well-being will parallel our life’s circumstances. In other words, every time something goes wrong, we’ll feel unhappy, rather than disappointed but able to make the best of the situation.

4. Give up perfection. I used to want to be perfect.  It was exhausting.  Now, I look at every failure as an opportunity to get better.  I feel much happier and less disappointed in myself.

5. Give. Give what ever you can.  If it’s not money, then give support or compassion.  Listening and appreciating someone is one of the best gifts they can receive. And, it feels good to give.

So, I suggested this mantra to him:  How can I be the person I want to be now.  Not tomorrow, not in an hour … now.  Because you never know when your “nows” will run out (and you want to get in as many as you can!).  I think this feeling – of happiness, of joy – is motivating and contagious.  I love being around people like that – don’t you?

I hope he gets what I’m saying.  And, I hope you have a very happy and wonderful day!

Last night I had dinner with a good friend. We talked about what men and women want in their relationship.  I started to think about it afterwards and realized (& I could be wrong) that what men and women want is not all that dissimilar.  In fact, what they want is more similar than dissimilar.  Here’s my take away from last night’s conversation:

1. Respect. You don’t have to agree with all that your partner says or does, but try to honor their opinions or feelings as valuable contributions to the relationship.  Not doing so will only make them feel worse.  When your partner asks for something – avoid the defensive response and try the, “Thanks for sharing that with me.  I want to make it better,” response.  It’s the golden rule – treat others as you would like to be treated: Be fair, kind, attentive and loving.

2. Intimacy (physical).  Everyone needs it.  It’s not just for men!

3. Romance. This should be a no brainer but it’s easy to forget.  Date nights, that card or bouquet of flowers.  Men and women like these things and they make us feel that love for one another.

4. Support.  Nothing feels better than having your partner cheer you on for something you’re doing – whether a race, some goal you set, some difficulty in your life or something at work. Be there and be present.

5. Communication.  Women are more vocal creatures than men. Women like to hear things.  Like, “I love you.”  Or “thanks for dinner (coffee/doing the laundry/ etc).  Men communicate more through activities – the things you do together.  So make sure both are happening.

6. Time. Time is difficult in this 21st century relationship-thing.  Honestly, I think most people would say that making time is more important than the fancy gifts or love letters (although don’t stop those coming – for those enlightened folks who do that!).  Finding ways to make your partner a priority says “I love you” all over it!

7. Being Positive.  Nothing is better than a partner that is positive about who you are, what you’re doing, the relationship and life.  My friend mentioned that his partner’s excitement about life is one of the things he loves the most about her! Think about it. Who wants the alternative to positive in a partner?

Easy to write (and read) … Now for the implementation!

Have a really wonderful day!

And to my friend, whose husband had surgery last night, I’m praying for you both.

I learned a few valuable lessons yesterday when I freaked out in the middle of my one mile lake swim (during a 1/3 Ironman Relay).  Here are those lessons learned, in no particular order:

1. Never, I mean never, do something new on race day.  I spent most of Saturday worrying about the predicted temps for Sunday morning.  I was scheduled to get in the water at 7:30 a.m. with the air temp at 47.  I don’t swim with a wet suit, yet I realized that I would likely be too cold to swim without one.  A friend lent me hers the night before, I tried it one (my kids said “Mom, you look beast!”) and thought I was good to go.  it was still cold in the morning, but the suit was keeping me warm.  As I ran into the lake at 7:30, it only took me 1/4th of a mile to realize that I was never going to make it with the wet suit.  I was having a difficult time breathing and was freaking out (never happens to me).  I waived to a guy in a kayak and he came over.  I told him I had to take off the wet suit.  He smiled and said the temps in the water were fine and to go ahead (yea, right.  He was in a boat with a winter jacket and hat!)  It took me close to five minutes to gently get it off over the chip around my ankle (while I’m in the water, cuz you can’t get out) and off I went to finish my swim.

2. Sometimes, it is just too cold to swim (for me). Sadly, I was so cold by the time I got the suit off that just never got back on track.  I did finish but almost 8 minutes off my regular time.  My partner likely thought I had drowned, given how late I was!

2. Seat heaters in cars really do work but when you have lake weed on your butt from a swim, it bakes into the leather seat.  I ran to my car, my jaw hurting from teeth chattering, after giving the chip to my partner.  I turned on the car and sat there for an hour with the heat blasting trying to warm up before my 9 mile run.  BTW – Lake weed can be scraped off leather – thankfully.

3. Never forget chapstick when in the sun.  I look like I’ve got Katy Perry lips today (see, I’m not that old!).

4. Drink Chocolate Milk.  All I could stomach after my swim was my chocolate milk.  The milk (and my sheer determination to get the hell out of Dodge) resulted in my fastest 9 mile run ever.

5. There’s a story in (almost) everything I do these days!

So, that’s my freaking day yesterday. I’m just glad to be done and taking a day off!

Have a fun day!

I am really, really good at being defensive.  In fact, painfully so.  Yet, at those moments when I am being defensive (and get stuck), I really do know that I am sending the wrong message to my partner or kids that their ideas or experiences or even feelings are wrong (and that I’m right).  This is not the person I want to be.

In the “old” days, it made sense that we needed to defend our honor or our family when being attacked.  But, we’re a bit more evolved now, right?  Looking at my own history (because why should I point out anyone else’s history??), I am defensive when I don’t feel safe or feel attacked. So, I pick up my sword (which is quite sharp) and attack.  Nothing positive is going to come from this scenario.

Isn’t it easier to point out how someone else needs to change rather than look at our own s***.    We think that pointing out what is “wrong” with someone will result in a change that we want.  Yet, I (maybe we) often forget that: people only change when they want to, not when we want them to.

I read a great analogy once – relationships are like a baby mobile, if you tug on one side, everything changes.  Tug at the other side, and you get a completely different result.  I totally agree.   If we shift our behavior, our partner (or child/friend) will have to shift their behavior in response.  Try shifting it the opposite way, and it will change.

I’ve been in some defensive conversations lately and here are a few things I think will help deal with my (our?) defensive behaviors:

1. Keep track of when and where we become defensive.  What is setting me or us off? Awareness is critical.

2. When I feel I’m getting into a defensive mode, I ask questions rather than expressing my frustrations.  Better to be sure I understand before talking!

3. Try to listen more and know that I will get my thoughts out at some point but it doesn’t have to result in my interrupting someone else out of fear that I won’t be heard.

4. I (try) not to demand anything – not even an apology.

5. Remember that the end goal is not just for someone to win or be right.  But, for everyone to feel good about the result.

So, I hope you have a wonderful start to your weekend and if in Minnesota — stay warm!

There are days when I wonder what I am doing following the straight and narrow.  I eat healthy, I exercise, I don’t drink caffeine or smoke cigarettes (or anything else for that matter).  I rarely drink wine and I’ve never snorted a line of cocaine (no response necessary!).

So, when I saw the big billboard sign downtown, “Cocaine Addicts Wanted,”  I paused.  Hmm, really?  Was this a joke?  The sign indicated that they (the University of MN) would offer some pay (good idea), medication (yes, I could use some of that) and counseling (no question!).  All they needed me to do was become a cocaine addict.  How hard is that??

All kidding aside, I decided to look into the seriousness of is ad.  I have never seen anything like it before.  Apparently, the University of Minnesota is doing a study right now on drugs that can counteract the addictive cravings that accompany the use of cocaine. That’s awesome!

However, the location of the sign made me feel bad.  It’s on a street downtown, toward the north end of town, near the light rail, where there is, one might say, a mixed crowd of downtown employees and not.  I guess what made me feel bad is that the U knew that if it put a sign in that particular place, it was likely to get takers.  Now, I know that lots of other “kinds” of people enjoy cocaine.  But, those people were not targeted.  But with my half-full glass, it also makes me happy.  Happy that the participants in this study might get help and move to a better place.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the sadness and difficulty in the world.  When I told the kids about the sign, they thought it was cool. Cool that the U was going to help people who “need help.”  That’s the best way to look at this sign and the program.  I’m thankful that what I heard from them was pure loving sympathy for other people.

I have nothing more nor nothing less to say today.  Just be filled with gratitude for what you have and work through the s*** that fills all our lives.  What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger … right?

Have a great start to your weekend!

I love Bill Murray.  And, as I may have mentioned, I love the movie Groundhog Day.  First, I love the mindlessness of it – he’s so funny!  But even more so, I love the part where he is forced to relive his life until he makes life changes and can move to a new day.

You know how this goes in real life too.  You get up and are forced to keep doing the same thing over and over again.  The same people, the same projects.  In the movie, even when he tries to kill himself, he’s back the next morning in exactly the same place.   He didn’t see his blind spot and had to live each day over until he realized it and made a change.

We all do this at times.  We find ourselves in the same types of intimate relationships or friendships.  For some reason, each partner doesn’t quite have what it takes to give them the love they truly desire. Every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating an unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability and neglect.  Or we end up in the same types of jobs or communication styles with family and friends – the same conflict patterns, never really knowing, understanding or even seeing a way out.

The lesson of Groundhog Day is this:

Nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out.

It’s only when we stop blaming and feeling victimized by someone else and take responsibility for the fact that the relationship/friendship/job situation is partially our own creation – that we will see the shift.

So ask yourself: What needs to change inside you before you start getting a different result?  What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, by putting you in the same cycle, that you just don’t understand?

Look, we all have dysfunction.  But, either we bring this dysfunction from relationship to relationship (or life to life – if you believe that) or we don’t.  At some point, the frustration, dissatisfaction and loneliness should result in us realizing that we need to make the change.

Most of us cannot see our own blind spots (I’ve got multiple and quite large blind spots!) and need guidance from our partners and loved ones, to point them out.  When we are ready to learn, to listen and discover the truth about ourselves, then we need not repeat our mistakes over and over again.

So, ask yourself  — is your blind spot causing you to stay in the same life patterns?  If so, maybe it’s time to explore trying something different.  How can it hurt??!!

Have a wonderful day!  The birds are already chirping at 5:00 a.m!

My dad raised a question for me, which is there’s no real definition for the way or reason time feels like it moves faster or slower at any given point. The reason I fixated on this question is that my boys are out-of-town for the week with their dad and I don’t want this quiet time to go to fast (sorry guys, but it is a bit peaceful!).

Of course, it’s a widely accepted adage that, “The older you get, the faster time seems to go.” But why is this?  Time should be the same no matter what.  And why do they say that time flies when you’re having fun?  Aren’t we having fun in our old(er) age when it’s flying by?  Does that mean it’s not flying by when they are teens (our kids will say that’s true!).

As I was thinking about this, I remembered an article I had read once by Philip Yaffee where he said that time moves at different speeds based on anticipation or retrospection.  In other words, when we anticipate things that are important to us, they seem so far away.  Then, they happen and we look back the event is over, the anticipation was longer than the actual event … making time feel like it went fast.

For me, the high point of my life, thus far, has been my children.  It has been a joyful, difficult and amazing experience and the time is going so quickly.  When I had written 65 blogs I recall saying to my dad,  “how am I going to possibly write 300 more?”  And here I am, just 42 left – it went so fast!

The real issue for me is that I want to slow it down enough to appreciate the moments.  Like yesterday, I took 10 minutes to sit in the living room and just chat with my daughter.  Nothing big, just talking.  It was wonderful.  Or, my vacations with the kids.  The first days go slower as I enjoy the experience and the last days go faster as I get more tired and anxious to get home!

So here’s my take away:  When we do the same things over and over again, day in and day out, nothing new or exciting – the time just flies by.   When we take advantage of new and unique experiences, we make distinct memories and we live in the moment.  In other words:

When we hold a positive perception of life, people and the future, when we experience new things, we use our time more wisely and in turn, time “moves” more slowly.

So, I’m going to try to have at least one new experience a day.  It can be small.  Just something to make the day stand out and allow me to appreciate the moment.

Have a great one!

I had dinner last night with a good friend.  I was telling him that I was thinking of having a party to celebrate 365 blogs and my birthday.  I was hesitant though and asked his thoughts.  He said, “Jessica why is it so hard for you to celebrate yourself?  You are the bomb!  Are you sure you are in the right career? [Ha!] Have you really thought about what you’ve done here?”

What is so hard about celebrating who we are?  Even as I was talking to him about a party, I was feeling hesitant … unsure that maybe this was too forward of me to do for me.  Of course, he reminded me that this was not only going to be for me … it would be for all of us.

Here’s the thing, I really am freaking proud of myself for doing this blog.  But to say that out loud, to be acknowledged for something … that’s an incredibly difficult proposition.  It is a move way outside my comfort zone.

I have this voice inside me that constantly reminds me that I likely don’t really have a law degree.  That I must be faking it.  It tells me that it’s no big deal to build a practice with amazing clients or that I can’t be a good mom.  It’s also the voice that questions whether I deserve any attention whatsoever.

What’s the real truth here:  The world will not celebrate you if you don’t celebrate yourself.  Period.

No way around this one.  You will not get what you want out of the world if you don’t think you deserve it.  I once read this: “You won’t move forward, achieve great things, attract clients, find the partner of your dreams or make more money if permit yourself to get caught up in a conversation with the voice that tells you that you don’t deserve all of the good things coming your way.”

You do deserve the best you can imagine for yourself.

I really do deserve the great clients that are in my practice.  I also deserve a fantastic partner who will support me in all sorts of ways.  And, if I want to make more money … I deserve that too!  I also deserve my amazing friends and no wonder I’ve got such great kids!  

Wait! Stop! Ahh, my inner voice:  What makes you think that you deserve more than others?  What about all the people living in poverty or with life struggles? 

Yes, of course.  But my wanting the best for me does not take away from what I can and should do for the collective good of the world.  It is not an either/or.

So, for today (no every day!) give yourself some credit for the fantastic person you are.  Shove the other “voice” away.    Don’t be stuck in the negative tape of questioning your worth.  And, BTW – You do deserve all the good that comes your way – and even the stuff you do for yourself!

Have a wonderful day (and watch for my party invitation!) 🙂