Monthly Archives: June 2013

I don’t like credit cards.  I have two.  One is a Macy’s card.  Recently, Macy’s sent me a new card.  I have no idea why but it came with a “Welcome to Macy’s” note and a coupon or two.

The first time I tried to use it I was in a hurry. The sales person said that I needed to call the main credit card number in order to get authorization to use the card.  What? Authorization for a card I’ve been using for years?  I declined, used my other credit card and was on my way.

The second time I tried to use it I was with my daughter.  We waited almost 20 minutes, through various phone calls with the “credit card authorization” people before I finally got frustrated, paid with cash and left.

The third time I tried to use it was yesterday.  I was not in a hurry and was going to get to the bottom of this issue.  I tell the sales person that once she swipes my card it will come up “Check Authorization. ” She swipes my card and up comes the message.  I give her my driver’s license, I know the drill, she calls and hands me the phone.

The woman on the other end tells me how sorry she is that my shopping has been disrupted but she’s got a few questions for me in order to verify that I am really Jessica Roe.  First question:  “Where did I live in 1985?”  Huh?  I don’t even remember 1985 and there’s no freaking way I recall the street name.  I was in college and moving around like crazy.  She suggests a neighborhood that sounds remotely familiar but I tell her to move on to some other question.

Second question:  “Do I know Bea Dulop?”  I look around.  Is this a joke?  What the h#@%?  I don’t know anyone named Bea except Aunt Bea on the Andy Griffith show.  I say that, but she’s not entertained.  I’m getting pissed.

Third question: “Where was I born.”  Easy!  I tell her a hospital.  Nope.  Wrong.  She wants the city.

Final question: “How long was I married.”  I’m stunned. I ask how she knows that I’m divorced.  No answer.  I ask her if she wants the date we started marriage therapy, the date he moved out, the first day I felt divorced or the date it was  actually final.  She tells me that’s enough, I’ve passed and can now use my card.

Is this some kind of new, bizarre process for shopping at Macy’s?  I’m now afraid to use the card in case it’s flagged again and I have to answer a question like, “Where do you buy your underwear.”  The answer’s probably “Macy’s.”  I’m going to say Walgreen’s.  That’ll get me passing with flying colors!

Have a great start to the week!

Before the kids joined us at this fantastic event (BTW – we’ve got amazing art in the Twin Cities!), we attended the launch party for Northern Spark.  An exciting and eclectic art crawl which was held in St. Paul last night.  The launch party was in a tent, with beverages and food.  It’s the kind of thing where you might get introduced to someone you don’t know and you get the pleasure of striking up a conversation with a total stranger.  Just my cup of tea!

One woman I was introduced to started talking about her days of selling real estate.  It sounded like the “past” so I assumed she was retired.  She asked about my (oh-so-boring) career and I asked her what was on her plate at this point in her life.  She told me that she was a life coach.

Now, there are many definitions for “life coach,” and I didn’t so much care about what kind she was, I just wanted to know what that meant in terms of her philosophy on life.  Her face lit up with that question and she proceeded to tell me that her whole focus in life and in coaching, for more than 20 years (see, makes sense that I might think retirement!), is two words:

Acceptance and Acceptance.

Here’s my take on her philosophy: there are only two things you really need to do in life.  Two things that lead to everything else.  The first is acceptance of yourself.  You have to accept who you are, where you are and accept where you are going.  Yes, you can and should have goals.  A process or plan for changing that which you don’t like about your life.  But, you must have acceptance of yourself first to really make changes.

Second, you have to accept others.  You have to accept and love their flaws, their differences and their effect on you and your life.   You have to accept why they are in your world and why the leave.  You have to understand that our differences are also our similarities (getting pretty deep for my first 1/2 glass of wine!).

Many of my blogs have been on this topic and it was a good reminder to me that life is fairly straight forward.  Work can be complicated, managing our children  (and setting them free) can be complicated and even our love relationships can be complicated.  But if we focus on these two words – Acceptance and Acceptance – it’s really not all that complicated.

Food for thought as you spend another rainy day in paradise!

Enjoy your Sunday!

By the time you read this I will have started or finished a 10 mile race.  My kids used to ask me if I was going to win.  They’ve (for obvious reasons) stopped asking me such questions.  But, I must say that one good thing about getting old(er) (other than a membership to AARP) is moving up in age groups in these races.  In my last race I was in the 50-54 category and I finished the 9 miles at 18th of 78.  Clearly, the only way I will ever win a race will be by age, not speed.  I did one time win a 2 mile open swim, but I was the only crazy in my age category!

Here’s the thing about me and races:  I hate them.  I love the training, the social aspect but I hate the race.  I don’t like the stress and pressure nor am I competitive (in sports, of course!).

My running career started rather slowly and painfully.  My first efforts, in my 30’s, was to run a block, walk a block, run a block, walk a block.  I eventually got to 3 – 4 miles at a crack and that was it.  Then, my ex and I separated and I started kick boxing and running.  My law partners at the time invited me to join them for 5 miles and I thought I would throw up afterwards.  As you might expect, they eventually talked me into my first marathon at 40 and off I went.

Now, here I am at 50, finished (I think!) with marathons, doing triathlons (not quickly) and running whenever my body will allow it. This morning, I’m off with my running group for a 10 mile race.  I try to soften my potential bad performance each time, by saying to my group, “Oh, I’m so tired today,” just so no one expects much from me.

I work out to relieve stress.  Don’t we all?  My kids will often say, on a day when I am particularly cranky, “Did you run today?”  Or, “Why don’t you go to the club?”  Even they get it!  It’s my therapy, without paying for a therapist (thanks to my running partners!).

I’m thinking that by the time I hit 70, I’m going to be the only one doing this stupid stuff and then maybe my kids’ dream will come true and I’ll win a race – a race with walkers!   Until then, there’ll be no win but a smile and a “thank goodness that’s over,” from me once I’m done.

Have a great Saturday – and pray for SUN!

When I started to write this post, I thought that nothing had happened yesterday.  I searched my menopausal brain for the elements of my day and nothing came up.  What had happened?  Where was I?  Did I even participate in yesterday?

As I looked back I realized that I rushed through yesterday.  In fact, I rushed through the last few days.  How is it that I can do so much but it seems like it’s just doing?

I’m not sure it it’s a good thing – this invention of the clock.  We (me) are always running against it.  It’s almost a professional skill to multi-task, to be amazingly efficient.  But is it our best and highest use of our time?  Does it result in us thinking that “nothing happened yesterday?”

Think about it.  How much more enjoyable would the drive to work be every morning if you weren’t in a rush?  How much more fun would it be to clean that closet or finish off that project you’ve been working on if you weren’t so pressed on time?

Yesterday was a constant rush.  Yes, I bought a homeless man a cup of coffee and a donut he wanted at a bakery.  Sure, I gave a hug to a woman I had just met, who bared her soul to me.  And, I had a glass of wine with one of my favorite people.  But the rest, was blur.  Here’s what I’m missing:

Time is more precious than all the money in the world.

We all have only 24 hours in a day and we need to find the quiet time for us in that time frame.  Since beginning the blog, I get up an hour earlier to write.  No one is up and it is me, a computer and my breakfast.   It’s amazing.  Try it!

I’ve also stopped speeding in my car (ok, too many tickets, but I did stop speeding!).  It really has changed my experiences in the car, whether alone or with the kids.  And, although I am the master multi-tasker, lately I’ve tried to learn to focus on one thing/person at a time.  I think this has improved the quality of my work and my relationships.

So, lots happened yesterday.  And, if I had slowed down, maybe more would have occurred. Life is much more pleasant when you take the time to appreciate each and every moment of it.  This is not the 100 meter dash.  It’s a marathon.  I, for one, have to pace myself, breathe, focus, have patience and enjoy the scenery.  There’s a long way to go and I don’t want to run out of gas midstream.

Enjoy your Friday!

The old wives’ tale about women is that they are terrified of getting older.  With women spending billions of dollars each year on botox, liposuction, face creams, hair dyes and health clubs, one might think that this “tale” is true.  Thankfully, for most women it’s not.  And it’s certainly not for the incredible women I know.

Sure we try to slow things down, post-45.  I pluck a few hairs, try to stay in shape and use lotion (generic) on my skin.  Research shows that a woman’s body image, her interest in sex and intimacy and her emotional maturity (and craziness from menopause) becomes stronger as she moves into her middle ages (YES!!!).

I read that women’s overall mental health and life satisfaction also improves with age as does marital satisfaction  – which goes up considerably when our children leave home (Yikes!  I better hurry up in that category!).  It’s also true that as we get older, we become more empathetic, patient, better listeners and become (or already are) great caretakers (big pats on the back here!).  These strengths give us the mindset to celebrate middle age as a time of joy and fulfillment.

So, my women friends (and my men friends too), getting older is not just about surviving.  It is about flourishing.  It’s about fulfillment and self-actualization. It’s about capitalizing on all of our years of experience and doing some really great and fun things – sans children!

Today I want to celebrate (before the start of our “summer”) and cultivate our psychological strengths, our increasingly frequent birthdays and all the sags and wrinkles that come with it (and P.S., I found a few around the knees this morning!).

Have a wonderful day!

Honestly, how do I meet these people?  Yesterday I went to a CLE – I needed credits before the end of the reporting period.  I was not super excited about the topic but I knew my assistant was about to strangle me if I missed one more class.  So, I went.  The place was packed.  I mean packed.  I got one of the last chairs in the very back of the room.

Just as I sat down a woman sat next to me.  She was wearing casual clothes, had a cup of coffee and a purse.  But she had no briefcase and no papers.  Nothing.  Well, I thought she had nothing.

Five minutes after sitting down she pulled a donut out of her purse.  Wow, it looked and smelled good.  And, although I don’t really eat donuts, my mouth started to water.  She wolfed it down and before I knew it, she had pulled another one from her purse.   Really?  I looked over to see if her purse was like one of those clown cars where 20 clowns get out of one tiny car.

We get a break and I am dying for some food.  I go out into the hall and I see her, drinking a smoothie from the shop down the way.  Hmm.  I walk over and buy one myself.  It hits the spot.

After the break, we sit down.  Not more than five minutes later I see her pull a bagel with cream cheese out of her purse!!!!  Come on!  I almost laugh but then I think that maybe I’m on some sort of Candid Camera show (showing my age here).  By the time she’s done, she’s spilled cream cheese on her chair, on her pants and on the floor.  I move my chair a little bit away so I don’t get nailed.  Clearly, she’s a hungry lawyer.

I’ve got 1/2 hour left before the lunch break and I see her reach to her purse.  I stare.  No way can she need more food.  Ahh, a Diet Coke.  Gotta wash it down with something.

That’s it for me.  I can’t stay any longer.  I leave, walk down to the street and head toward the street food vendor.  As I’m waiting there, I see her out of the corner of my eye.  She walks to me and says, “Boring CLE, right?”  I say, “Not too bad.”  She smiles and says, “Gotta run.  I’ve got a lunch date.”  Unbelievable.

Have a great day!

A few years ago I had a big scare. It turned out to be alright.  Some of my friends have not been so lucky.  For me, it was a month of tests and tests.  I lost weight, lost sleep and really spent a lot of time worrying.  When it was over, I had a new lease on life.  I focused on every day.  Then, I forgot.  I went back to my old “ways.”

For more than a year I’ve had a spot that seemed off.  But, we runners, bikers, etc., we have stuff all the time that we ignore.  So, after a month of it bleeding on and off I decided to get it checked out.  The short answer is, she doesn’t know quite yet if it is or if it isn’t.  This is a small spot.  Really.  I’m not worried either way – and, please, that’s not the focus of this blog.  I only bring it up for the bigger message:

We never know.  Sometimes we have time.  We have time to get things in order, time to plan, time to say good-bye.  Sometimes we don’t.  It’s over with no good-byes.  And, why don’t we live like the latter?  Because we are moving.  Moving, Moving, Moving.  We (read: me) don’t allow for time to stop. And, before we know it, the kids are gone, doing their thing, there are grandkids and we’re using walkers.  We look back and say, “Where did the time go?”  But we know where the time went.  It went with us being so busy and forgetting to pay attention – to be mindful .

LIVE.  I know this little episode is going to be nothing but a reminder to me to pay attention to the important things, like: Did I smile at everyone I could today?  Did I help someone?  Did I thank my kids for being my kids and putting up with my s%$#?  Did I thank you, my friends, for reading my blog and making me feel great every time I run, swim, bike with you or just see you out somewhere?  Have I told you, Dad, or my siblings, how much I love you?

I know I repeat myself here (fault: menopause) but here it is: Let’s remember to live each day fully and with love – no matter what challenges we face.   Hug your kids.  Hold someone’s hand.  Wear sunscreen.  Enjoy a good glass of something (coffee, wine) and listen to the birds chirping or the sound of the wind in the trees.  Take just one moment, each day, to be mindful of your world and the love you can give to others.

And remind yourself: if I get this day, hopefully I will get another one!

If you give a mouse a cookie (and she really appreciates and enjoys it), she’s going to ask for another one ….

Have a FANTASTIC and mindful day!!! XO

A colleague died recently and at his funeral another friend, who gave the eulogy said, “In the end, character and love trump all.”  What could be more true?

I, like all of us, have at one time or another thought that accomplishing or making something of myself meant I had character.  How many people do you know that think that a better, job, more money, new inventions, new relationships, will give them what they want …. the grass is always greener syndrome.  I’ve never believed that’s true.  Have you?

I think character comes from trust.  This guy who died, he was an attorney and people really trusted him (amazing for a lawyer).  And why did they trust him and how important was it to his relationships and his spouse?

Trust is not something all loving relationships (or even friendships) have at first. For some couples the trust becomes complete in a few years. For others, it takes years.  But one thing is for sure — happy and successful marriages and relationships survive and thrive on the basis of this trust.

True trust (read – character) is the kind that you never give a second thought to.  The partners expect it.  It’s always there.  It’s part of the fabric of the relationship.  This is not giving up your “looking” license!  Totally get how normal that is.  But it’s where the couple knows that their relationship is so much more important to them and where the couple understands that destroying the trust will cause the foundation of their marriage to crumble.  The relationship should be bigger than the individual desires.

For as many years as I can remember, I’ve shared a meal and a glass of wine when I went out for dinner.   Not only did I share, but I had to duke it out for my portion (I didn’t complain much, so it’s half my fault and maybe why I’m so skinny!).

Some of you know that I don’t eat red meat and never eat fried foods.  I always have a salad, but my dressing is on the side and not creamy.  I don’t eat from the bread basket.  I love to order wine, but never can finish a glass.  And, I enjoy coffee at the end of my meal.  I guess I’m easy to figure out and a relatively inexpensive (not cheap) date!

I wasn’t sure what to expect last night but I knew that this experience was going to be different.  I got dressed.  Put on my good luck  necklace and left with a hungry stomach.  When I arrived, I was immediately offered a drink.  Wow, I thought, my own drink!  I decided to venture out and ordered a Mojito instead of wine!  Of course, after the first 1/4 of the drink, I realize that I won’t be able to drive home if I finish the whole thing.  Typical Jessica behavior.  But, it did take the edge off and tasted fantastic!

Next came the meal and I was able to order my own food.  Gracious!  How was I going to do that???  It’s been quite some time since I could recall having my own plate (other than the bread plate, upon which I would shove some food).  This was completely foreign and exciting to me!

I started with a house chef’s salad (easy enough) – but in a daring sort of way, I tell the waiter to put the dressing right on the salad!!  Creamy Caesar dressing!  Cray, Cray, as my kids would say! I’m off to a good start.

Then, I was offered the hash browns, and without thinking, I nodded my head in excitement.  Really??  Fried hash browns?  Have I gone off the deep end?  They were crispy on the outside and soft on the inside.  And let me tell you this, these weren’t  just any old hash browns … they had cheese inside them!!!  Yup.  Something’s happening here.

The best part of all … I didn’t have to pay for the meal.

I’ve obviously turned over some kind of new leaf (pun intended).  Some people deal with change by taking trips or buying new toys (all of which sound fun and I’m going to try that too).  But what do I start with?  I order the hash browns.  This might just be the start of something beautiful!

Have a wonderful Sunday!!

Friends. Those who I love. Life is short and precious. We are not stuck in any one way, situation or relationship. We can start, end, change, grow, move forward and be happy. Nothing is certain except life and death.

The most important thing to remember about these two things, is that we don’t take anything with us. The only thing we really leave behind (no matter what your career or creations were while here) is how we treat others, how we love and how we live. And when we are done, and we leave this earth, we exhale before going, clearing our body and leaving nothing else behind.

So, today take the time to think about what you say and what you do and what legacy you will leave behind. For too many years I have been inhaling and then holding my breath. Scared at the prospect of true vulnerability. Today, I’m going to start exhaling. It’s only at that time when I’ve fully exhaled, that I can take in the maximum fresh air and really wake up to the beauty of myself, those who are truly in my life and to the world around me.

Have a peaceful and happy day!