Monthly Archives: May 2013

I ask myself this question quite a bit.  Most times I say something like, “I just want them to be good people.”  Sometimes, when I ask other people, I hear – “I want my children to have an easier life than I’ve had.”  For me, this statement brings up the notion of an increase monetarily.  I’m not sure I really love that.

When I grew up, we shopped at the Goodwill or the Sears catalogue.  We almost never went out to eat and a treat was a 50 cent cone at the DQ.  I never heard of a private school and 80% of my high school friends never went to college.   I had one purse, two pairs of shoes (tennis and dress) and my mom  (or me) sewed my prom and homecoming dresses.  Clearly, in that way, my kids will have it better than me.  And, that’s ok – to a point.

But, I do want them to be better than me.  I want them to be better people than me.  I want them to care more about others than me. I want them to be more open-minded.  I want them to be happier, to make a difference, way more than I have.  I want them to smile more and to feel like smiling more.  I want them to want to do more in the world – no matter how big or small.

I’m one of those people who sees making a difference in someone else’s life as a source of happiness. I see making the right choice, when the wrong choice would be so much easier, as a source of happiness.  I see being kind to the world around me (and all the people in it) as a source of happiness.

Think about this:  Does a bus driver, who works from 9-5, who makes enough money to get by, but is happy because he gets a lot of time with his children at night and on the weekends, really going to wish that his daughter would grow up to be a lawyer or doctor who spends 80 hours a week working – never having enough time with her family?  I think not. But does he want his kids to be happy, just like he is?  Yes.

Most of us don’t put our job in front of our family.  We likely love our work and have found the right (sometimes) work-life balance.  So, when I think of what I want for my kids, I do want more.   Not with money or houses or things or jobs (although I do, admittedly, want a bit of those things too).

I want them to be more than me.

I want them to live a life rich in family time, rich in good deeds, rich in learning and in doing the “right” thing.  Rich in LOVE.

I know I’m not alone.  Isn’t that what you want for your kids?  Show them this post … or just tell them.

Have a great (dry) day!

The other day, when I picked up the kids, this is what I heard: “My back hurts.” I suck at (whatever sport was being played).” “I am so tired I almost fell asleep in school today.” “I’m sick of so and so.” “I hate when Y happens.” This went on and on until I was about to lose it. (Honestly, sometimes I lose it first and think second).  Instead, I tuned out.  I stopped listening.

I sometimes find this happens in other situations too.  Maybe in the middle of a conversation where I’m just not interested in the topic or where I’m focused on my own stuff, rather than the person whose talking.

So, my question is: If I tune out when I don’t like what I’m hearing or I’m distracted, am I really a good listener?  

I recently read a study where 5,000 adults were polled and asked what they wished their parents had done differently during periods of conflict. The top responses were:

• They wished their parents had listened more;
• They wished they could have talked more about their feelings; and
• They generally wished they had talked to their parents more often.

These results tell me that there’s nothing more empowering than to have someone to talk with and have them listen and acknowledge what you are saying.  (Isn’t this the key argument in relationships … “You don’t listen to me.”?)

Yet, the end result of not listening is more than not hearing.  Not listening results in us saying things we later regret because we hadn’t paid attention to the  words or, better yet, the feelings behind the words (also, a common partnership complaint!).

The other day, when I focused on the feeling behind the kids’ complaints, I could see the comments were really about something totally different from the words.   It was about needing some attention.  They were overwhelmed and in their own way, wanted me to just acknowledge how tough things were at that moment.

This was also the theme of a conversation I had over the weekend … If we could really listen to our partner, without fear or defensiveness, there would be a whole lot less arguing in the world!  Wonder where else that might work??!!

Listening is a learned skill and while I may be a slow-learner, I don’t think I’m a no-learner!  So, with my kids, I’m going to try to pay more attention to the feelings behind the words.  And, in my personal life, I’m going to do the same thing, without my best friends – Fear and Defensiveness – whispering in my ear!

Have a great one!

I found this writing by Deepak Chopra, from the The Chopra Center.  It’s a view of life by looking in a mirror rather than looking outside ourselves.

The essential nature of the universe is the coexistence of opposites. You cannot be virtuous if you do not have the capacity for evil. You cannot be wise if you do not have an inner fool. And you cannot be generous if you do not have a stingy person inside you. In fact, the most enlightened people are those who accept their own ambiguity and full potential for light and dark.  

The measure of your enlightenment is your level of comfort with your own paradoxes.

Everyone we see in the world is a reflection of ourselves and the traits we see most clearly in others are the ones that are strongest in ourselves. This is called the mirror of relationship and it is a powerful tool for emotional freedom.

When we have a strong negative reaction to someone, we can be certain that they’re reflecting traits that we also possess but have been unwilling to embrace. We spend so much time denying that we have a dark side and then end up projecting these denied qualities onto other people. For the same reason, we are attracted to certain people because they have the same traits that we have, only more so.

The Chopra site put together a really cool exercise (which I did last night!) to help “embrace the coexistence of opposites within ourselves:”

Step One: Think about someone you find attractive. On the left side of a piece of paper, list ten or more qualities that you love in that person. Write quickly. The secret is to not give your conscious mind time to edit your thoughts. You can put down as many qualities as you wish, but don’t stop until you have at least ten.

Step Two: Now focus on somebody who totally irritates you, annoys you, or makes you uncomfortable in some way. Why does this person infuriate you so much? On the right side of the paper, list ten or more of their undesirable qualities.

Step Three: Look at your list for the person you find attractive and circle the three qualities that you find most appealing about him or her. Then look at the list on the right side of the paper and circle the three qualities you find most repulsive. Now read the six words you circled out loud. You are all of these qualities.

Once we see ourselves in others, and accept it, we can connect at a much deeper and honest level and at the same time maintain emotional wellbeing.  Sometimes it takes 50 years to get there.

Have a very fulfilling day!

I’ve had issues with police lately.  Nothing like Reese Witherspoon, but a ticket here and a ticket there.  Here’s what’s bugging me:  so many people get away with things that I never could.

For example, my last ticket was because I didn’t use my blinker to make a left hand turn (actually, I had my blinker on but I pulled my steering wheel back and it clicked off).  Seriously, a ticket for that!  I saw at least 20 cars yesterday that must have had their blinkers disconnected! No cops.

I also notice a lot of cars whose speedometer must also be disconnected.  One ticket I got last summer was going 45 in a 40.  Really?  How many of you are driving 40 in a 40?  The year before I got a ticket for going 71 in a 60.  You know what the cop told me when he pulled me over?  “I know Ma’m it seems like not very fast but some days we just pick a number and anyone over that number gets a ticket.  You just got the day of 71.”  Come on!!!

Here’s what I didn’t know:  traffic tickets are a multi-billion dollar industry.   I also didn’t know that you should never pay your first ticket, even if you’re guilty (this seems counterintuitive to me – the rule following attorney).   Here’s another thing that shocked me: fighting a ticket can cost up to $1,000+.  That’s even for failure to use a blinker!

Look, I totally agree that we need to reduce accidents.  And, I agree that there are too many people out there who have forgotten how to drive (or don’t care).  But, why don’t they seem to get tickets and I do??

Now, at 50, I’m the one driving like I’m in my late 80’s (sorry fellow AARP members).  I’m the one you’re honking at on the freeway.  The one whose going 55 in the 55 zone and 30 in the 30 zone.

Driving like this has been a test of my inner strength.  Yesterday, I was honked at for waiting for a pedestrian to go through the cross walk.  Now I can see why there are so many “fingers” being shown out of car windows!

So, be gentle with me when you see me following each and every road rule.  My full and complete stops.  My blinker within 100 feet of the stop sign.  And remember, as you’re getting frustrated with that driver in front of you, he/she (it could be me!) may just have one too many stupid tickets!

Have a safe day!

I met this guy yesterday.  The Bike Guru.  He’s helping fit my bike because I’ve had physical issues riding it (and some mental ones from my accident … long story!).  He looked fit and I figured he was a biker or triathlete.  So, in true form, I started to ask this guy questions about his life.

He tells me that he once was a big runner and biker, “I loved running.”  He was also big into yoga – a teacher trainer.  He knew my friend (the only real yogi I know). He talked about defining his life by his athletic pursuits.  While I couldn’t relate to that, because I’ve been a geek my whole life, I could feel how much he loved that part of his life.

Then all of a sudden I realized he’d paused.  I looked up and he had a quiet look on his face.  He told me that he now suffers from a neurologic disease which prevents any of those athletic pursuits (although he did tell me, with a smile, that he can still walk his dog).

Wow.  What a serious life change.  Totally out of his control.  Like those who suffer at the hands of others or who are just affected by “life.”  It made me think that we march along with our lives, thinking all’s good.  A blip here or there but most of us fully expect nothing big will happen (some of us knock on wood a lot too!).  But he reminded me to live in the moment. He says he does.  He says he has to and he tries not to worry about what’s to come.

So, I figure, we have two choices:  (1) Worry about the past and how it will color our future (or let it control our future); and (2) Not.

Seriously, why spend any time worrying about the things that can go wrong? Why spend time regretting the past?  The sun could burn out, wars could start, you could lose a job or even get a neurologic diagnosis.  Any of these things could happen in the next 5 minutes or 10 years or never.  However, once we let go of the fear of what “might” happen we are free to really live in the moment.

So, yesterday was a bike fitting and personal therapy session.  Gotta always try to multitask!

Have a fantastic day!

I guess I can’t really say that I was starving.  Hungry, yes, but starving – no.  Yesterday was a regular day, albeit feeling a bit tired.  My 1 mile swim could have been longer and faster but I didn’t feel like it.  I went to visit my dad, went to work and out to lunch.  I had a salad with some salmon.  Talked with my lawyer/friend on the phone in the afternoon. Nothing out of the ordinary.

By 4:30 I was feeling weird.  Hungry. I grab some almonds from my desk but that doesn’t seem to be enough.  I decide by 5 to leave and go home, have dinner and head to the baseball field.

As I’m driving home, my hunger gets worse.  I’m talking on the phone and I realize that I’m having trouble concentrating.  I get off and focus on my driving.  All I can think about is what I can quickly make to eat when I get there.

I pull into the garage and realize that I can’t even take the time to unload the car … I’ve got to get some food.  I literally leave my purse and phone in the car (unheard of for me).  I can hardly focus on what I am doing.

I get in and eat.  I have two pieces of toast with peanut butter, a salad and some milk (plus a cookie).  I start to feel better.  Then it hits me … and I begin to feel sick and my eyes tear up.

This is what it must be like.  This is how it feels for those people who can’t run home and get food.  Those that don’t have money.  Those people who really are hungry or starving.  How can they learn?  How can they concentrate?  How can life feel ok when they are so hungry?  That singular feeling of being hungry is overwhelming.  How have I missed that before?  It’s not like there haven’t been other days when I was hungry.

I’ve got to pay more attention and keep my eyes open.  I’ve got to stay present and remember, and remind my children, how incredibly fortunate we are to be able to open our refrigerator, have a glass of fresh, cold milk, make a sandwich and have a bowl of ice cream.  I always knew that, but now I have very strong feeling about it too.

Let’s make a point today of being thankful for what’s in our house.  Our ability to get up, feed ourselves and our children and enjoy our day without being focused on hunger.  Maybe one or more of us will find a way to make a difference in that regard for someone else.

Hmm, that was some lesson on what seemed like a very ordinary day.

Have a wonderful Thursday!

One of my boys will often come up for breakfast humming a song. Before I know it, I too have the same song in my brain.  He choses songs like the Sponge Bob theme or the other day is was Rain Drops Keep Falling on my Head (Really?  Isn’t he too young for that?).  Mainly, he hums holiday music – something he does all year round – which really drives me crazy!

So, I’m going to pay it forward!  Here’s what I hope you all sing today!!!

(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It’s easy

There’s nothing you can make that can’t me made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)
(Love, love, love)
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love, all together now
All you need is love, everybody
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
Love is all you need
Love is all you need
Love is all you need

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Beatles/_/All+You+Need+Is+Love

All You Need Is Love – The Beatles

Have a LOVELY day!

I had one of those days.  Example: when I drove into my office parking garage at 5:50 p.m., last night there was a long line in front of me … not moving.  I eventually honked my horn (I’m late for a dinner).  I figured someone was having trouble getting a ticket.  A woman comes running up to my car to tell me that she is just waiting for the ticket clock to turn 6:00 p.m., so she can get the lower evening parking rate and did I mind waiting in line another 10 minutes for that to occur!  Seriously????

It was also a day where I heard some “new” sayings (and a couple that are just annoying):

He’s very generic (a friend said it about someone we mutually know).  What does that mean?  He’s not as good as other people?  He’s a copy that is cheaper and has the same effect?  Who calls people generic?  What happened to Plain Jane?

He’s all hat and no cattle (whispered from the clerk at Caribou regarding some guy who was talking too much, resulting in me waiting in line).  Hmm, must be from Iowa  or Texas.  This apparently is a real phrase.  It’s describes a person that is all talk and no substance.  I’m not likely to use this one.  Plus, I don’t eat beef.

That’s just lip service (about some lawyer who was pretending to agree with me when he really didn’t agree – shocking!). Some of you may not know this but my maiden name is Lipsky. So, as a kid, anything with the word “lip” resulted in a new nickname for me.  I was a quiet high schooler but I would often hear, “Hey, lip service,” when I walked by a group of teenage boys (who are known for stupidity).   I don’t always think it always had a clean meaning.

I’m just saying (ESPN radio).  This is the worst!  It’s really like an emergency exit at the end of every rude, crude or stupid sentence.  It’s like “but,” only dumber.  It invites the listener to discount what’s just been said … even as we’re reeling from the stupidity of the first comment.  The Urban Dictionary website explains that the phrase makes it “possible to deliver a rude comment or burn and have it bounce off simply as an opinion disguised as an objective opinion, and who can argue with you over an opinion that you don’t apparently support.”   How about this one –  “What if Moses had told Pharaoh, ‘Let my people go! Just saying!'”  Enough said.

Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get (a close friend who said that she’d clearly been in the bath longer than me! I needed an explanation).  Love this!

That, my friends, rounded out a day filled with meaningless and somewhat stupid statements!  Honestly, what’s new?  I am an attorney after all!

Have a wonderful day!

p.s. Guess my request for a wife in yesterday’s blog was spot on!!! 🙂

The combination of my job, the house, paying bills, it being May and just plain being a mom is making me crazy and I need a wife.  Well, if I can’t have a wife (at least not yet anyway) then I’m going to move to the next level of help – my children.

The good news is that I have three of them.  The bad news is I’m going to have to commit some time to training them.  There’s going to be a learning curve.  There will be frustration.  And most certainly, there will be things ruined and broken.

People always told me to teach my kids early to help around the house and I thought I did.  Yet, here I am with teenagers – two of whom are still in the roll and shove phase of putting their clothes away and one who just doesn’t want to put them away until the 10th time that I’ve asked!

So, I’m going to have to find a way to make this transition easier.  I’ve started by making a list of the chores each week (I got a stomach ache just looking at how many there were!!!!!)

With that in mind, here are the tasks I want to assign to my children:

Folding laundry.  I know there will be a day when the boys will want to wear clothes that are not completely wrinkled and we need to start now in the learning-to-fold department.  Their rendition of folded towels would make anyone cringe.  This one needs work.

Unloading and loading the dishwasher.  I’ve been a bit territorial about my dishwasher.  I’m not sure where the comes from but I like it loaded a certain way.  I’m going to have to let go of that “issue” and just show them the efficient way and hope for the best.  I’m buying extra glasses just in case.

Food preparation.  I’m scared.  Scared of what they might cook.  Scared of what they might do with the stove.  Scared of what I might be forced to eat. And, scared of the clean up.  But this is a biggie – they need to learn to cook.  I am going to give each kid a night.  They have to create a menu.  No canned soups or packaged rice to heat in the microwave.  I’ll take them shopping, let them get ingredients and off we’ll go.  What happened to the days of Home Economics in school?  Even the boys learned to do a bit of cooking and sewing!

Beds.  Yesterday I stripped and remade the beds.  What was I thinking?  This is a no brainer.

So, I’ll give it a whirl and will keep you posted on the outcome. If you get a call from me wanting to go to lunch or dinner (near a laundry mat), please accept.  I may be desperate!

Have a great day!

It’s been a struggle to keep my head clear about motherhood lately.  The news has been filled with horrific tragedies against young people – some mother’s child.  Our collective hearts have been broken, our stomaches sickened and our sadness replaced (partly) with joy of their return or having found them.  Being a parent in these situations is (thankfully) beyond our wildest dreams.

Parenting is the single toughest job we will have.  These will be our biggest highs and some of our toughest lows.  When they are young, we have some semblance of control.  As they get older, however, we have less control and we are supposed to let go.

This, my friends, is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done – letting go.

Yes, my mother dying was horrible.  And, at a time when the boys were 6 weeks and my daughter 2 … it was almost indescribable.  But, there I was forced to let go.  I had no choice.  And, I suppose one could argue that I have no choice here … that I have to let go.  Let them mature into adults.  But it requires action on my part.  It requires me to do some hard work.

As I was talking with my daughter on the phone yesterday (about her going away next weekend), I started crying.  I tried to keep it quiet, but she knew. “Mom,” she said, “If it’s too hard for you, I can stay here.  It’s fine.”  (Ahh, the wisdom of 16!)   I tell her it’s ok but that my heart is breaking about how quickly it’s all going, how joyous I feel about her opportunities and how hard it is for us moms to just let go.  (I’m sobbing by this point).   The truth is, sometimes I feel lost in the midst of these inevitable changes.  I can hear in her voice and in her heart that she will remember this very conversation, when it’s her turn.

My boys are in those middle school years and it’s tough for them and me.  I can honestly say that when I look back on my life, there are three years I would not like to redo — middle school!  Yet, with all the talking back, the driving, the worrying about school, social life, etc., it’s great to watch them grow up, to hear the deeper voices, (to get a hug once in a while!) and watch them explore who they are as people! I love this part of momhood.

So, it’s Mother’s Day.  An awkward day because my mom is gone.  A day where my kids want to do nice things and recognize me, which is very nice.  But, I don’t really need a Mother’s Day – I love (almost) every day as a mom.

What I do want for this day and every day, is for them to have a strong moral compass, to feel good about themselves, be happy and safe and to do good things in the world.   That’s the dream we all have for them  — from the moment they are born until the moment we are no longer together on this earth and beyond.

Have a wonderful Mother’s Day!  XOXO