The other day, when I picked up the kids, this is what I heard: “My back hurts.” I suck at (whatever sport was being played).” “I am so tired I almost fell asleep in school today.” “I’m sick of so and so.” “I hate when Y happens.” This went on and on until I was about to lose it. (Honestly, sometimes I lose it first and think second). Instead, I tuned out. I stopped listening.
I sometimes find this happens in other situations too. Maybe in the middle of a conversation where I’m just not interested in the topic or where I’m focused on my own stuff, rather than the person whose talking.
So, my question is: If I tune out when I don’t like what I’m hearing or I’m distracted, am I really a good listener?
I recently read a study where 5,000 adults were polled and asked what they wished their parents had done differently during periods of conflict. The top responses were:
- They wished their parents had listened more;
- They wished they could have talked more about their feelings; and
- They generally wished they had talked to their parents more often.
These results tell me that there’s nothing more empowering than to have someone to talk with and have them listen and acknowledge what you are saying. (Isn’t this the key argument in relationships … “You don’t listen to me.”?)
Yet, the end result of not listening is more than not hearing. Not listening results in us saying things we later regret because we hadn’t paid attention to the words or, better yet, the feelings behind the words (also, a common partnership complaint!).
The other day, when I focused on the feeling behind the kids’ complaints, I could see the comments were really about something totally different from the words. It was about needing some attention. They were overwhelmed and in their own way, wanted me to just acknowledge how tough things were at that moment.
This was also the theme of a conversation I had over the weekend … If we could really listen to our partner, without fear or defensiveness, there would be a whole lot less arguing in the world! Wonder where else that might work??!!
Listening is a learned skill and while I may be a slow-learner, I don’t think I’m a no-learner! So, with my kids, I’m going to try to pay more attention to the feelings behind the words. And, in my personal life, I’m going to do the same thing, without my best friends – Fear and Defensiveness – whispering in my ear!
Have a great one!
theyearof50 