Yesterday, I heard that a lawyer in town said something quite mean about me (no love lost there and I recently beat him on a case that he felt strongly about). Instead of asking what was said or confronting the person, I simply said – “Well, I’m sure he feels bad losing to a woman.” All true but what were my real feelings? I didn’t really feel sorry for him other than that he can’t see the world through his own ego-filled lenses. Yet, I pretended to feel sorry for him. Why wasn’t I direct about my thoughts?
When I read this Lily Tomlin quote, I immediately thought of lots of conversations I’ve had over the years. Those conversations where I wanted to be nice, but was not really saying what I wanted to say. That’s the Minnesota nice way, eh?
In another conversation this week, a friend and I discussed the definition of direct. Sometimes people operate under the guise of direct when they’re really being passive aggressive or just plain mean. Some people know how to nicely but firmly share their thoughts and feelings — which is tough to do. I want to do the latter. So, my question to myself was:
Do I say what I mean and mean what I say in a positive way?
Some of us have been trained in the art of sugar-coating or “verbal dancing.” We dance around a subject without really getting out the point we are trying to make. We think we will get what we want this way, but we don’t.
Sometimes we’re just afraid to rock the boat (happens a lot in the work environment). We think that if we just push our own needs out of the way, the situation will work better. After all, how could we survive if people didn’t like us or like what we are saying??
But here’s my thought on this: every time I’m not straight forward and nicely direct, I diminish my self-worth. I give away my power, my needs and my self. I allow myself to become resigned to a situation that I’m not happy with and then become resentful, frustrated or I just leave and go elsewhere.
We need to decide if we feel better spinning our words out of fear of repercussion or do we want to calmly and clearly state our needs and desires and not worry about rejection. If we are rejected in this situations or the person becomes angry or defensive, then the person doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to – and we should walk away. If they listen, then we both retain our power and real work can be accomplished.
I want to leave you with two questions today:
1. What is the price I pay for dancing around my needs? and
2. Is that how I really want to spend my life?
Food for thought.
Have a wonderful day!
theyearof50 