Does offense win the game or does defense?

You have a choice.  You can be on the offense and move the puck or ball forward.  Or, you can be on the defense and protect your zone.  Despite the fact that I am a huge sports fan, this post really isn’t about sports.  This is about relationships.  Are you playing offense or defense in your relationships?

Defensive behavior seems to be one of the leading causes of ongoing conflicts with partners and with family and friends.  It is the type of behavior that will lead to long-term damage and actually end up destroying a relationship.  I’ve seen it and experienced it.

Being defensive tells your partner that you don’t really care about their ideas or feelings.  Instead, it’s about being right.  And, once you establish how right you are, someone has to be wrong …

If you can (honestly) look at arguments with your partner you can see that defensiveness is really based on feeling attacked and generally not safe.  This results in the other “side” putting on their armor and fighting back — and also having to be defensive.  This is how the battlefield is set.  There are no winners here.  Just a bloody mess.

I read a study on communication which found that defensive behaviors are often a sign of childhood issues (aren’t they all??).  Those who had childhoods where there was no one who “listened” to their needs or feelings, ended up being much more defensive as adults.  Those who grew up with someone who “listened” to them, were less defensive as adults. (good reminder for those of us raising kids!)  Easy enough, huh?

Sadly, defensive behavior is often difficult to change.  For many people it is easier to point out how their partner should change or what he/she should say rather than digging in, looking at their own S#$% and working as a team to solve the problem.  Defensive people feel more comfortable with a win — not a compromise.

But if we want to (and not everybody does), how do we really, truly love proactively and offensively?  How do we find love without walls, fear or judgement? And why is it so hard?

I leave this open for future debate.  Sometimes, it’s just enough to see and think about it.  Change will come when we really look at our behavior and are open to making a change.  Just don’t put it off until tomorrow.

Let’s enjoy the beautiful weather!