Monthly Archives: April 2013

I hope this doesn’t feel like a soap box blog.  I want to stay away from that.  But something has been bothering me since Monday’s pictures and I just have to write this very briefly.

When I saw the first pictures of the 19 year-old bomber, I said to my kids, “He looks like someone who could be in school with you.”  My son asked if I was feeling sympathetic.  I turned to him and asked him how he was feeling.  He said he was angry but confused.  I agree.

What we’ve been talking about in our house (after trying to mentally manage the pain of those suffering from the blast) is how does this happen?  This boy (both of them) were born clean.  Every baby is.  Ours were.  They have no preconceived notion of the world or anger, religion, killing … nothing.  Something happens to them.  Something so horrible that they get to this point.

There’s no question that there are more good people, than bad.  There are more people who can manage life, than not.  But, I have to admit, my heart is breaking for everyone, including the bombers who, while they did something unthinkable, were once little babies born to (hopefully) loving parents.  What happened?

Somewhere we too go wrong because we know it happens here too with no ties to religion or extremism.  We … should I even say that?  We, the collective heart of the world?  Is there something more we can do as individuals and together?

I am thinking, thinking, thinking about how this will affect my children, as they watched it in real-time, with all those pictures and all those people whose lives have been changed forever.  Well, everyone’s lives are changed forever when something like this happens — yours, mine, everyone’s.  But, usually it’s done by someone older.  Someone who makes it easier to hate him/her.  This time, it’s a young boy.  Not much older than my own.  If I show my total hatred and anger, without forgiveness, what will my kids learn?  It’s these crossroads, as parents and citizens, that are critical.

Life is inexplicably beautiful and painful, as we all know.  But we can learn.  We can teach our children about hatred and teasing of kids who are different from them.  We can teach them to embrace more than just their little social world.  That’s how we change the world, one person … one child at a time.

Thank you for allowing me to write this.  It’s been bothering me all week.  Have a peaceful day.

I never set out to have these experiences.  They just happen.  And, I never really understand the significance until I write it down or tell someone.

1. In talking with a guy at the health club yesterday, I learned that working out is a form of ultimate joy for someone who thought he would never walk again.  His story was a car accident with spinal damage at 29.  He was completely focused on  his recovery and there he was, standing up and lifting weights.  Never take your health or the ability to move, for granted.

2. In chatting with the stranger on the elevator, I learned that how you feel inside will be the determining factor for how you look outside.  When I got on, she was already there.  Her eyes looked red, as if she’d been crying (been there, done that).  She looked beaten down.  I opened my mouth (as I always do) and simply said, “No matter what happened, you will have a fantastic day.  And, I totally love your boots! ”  She looked at me and smiled.   Later, when I went out for coffee, she walked by me.  She looked so different – really nice – that I almost didn’t recognize her.  She came over and touched me on the shoulder, “Thanks for this morning.  You made my day so much better.  Oh, and I love your boots too!”   Small connections make a big difference.

3. After talking with my ex yesterday about a million different things, I realized that if I can’t be married, I’ve got the next best thing – a nice ex-husband.

4. I realized (as I do some days) that my kids are getting older.  Yesterday, my daughter was invited to a prestigious rowing camp out east for three weeks this summer.  I am excited but sad she will be gone so long.  To that, she says, “it’ll be OK – it’s only three weeks.” Feels like a life time to me.  Time – every moment of it – is precious.

5. I met someone at the store tonight – a police officer (so scared of them normally) who told me that he decided on that line of work because he wanted to help people.  But what he’s realized that even though he does help people, “All the true helping is done by the average person in their daily life.”  What an amazing statement.  That means us!

What do I take from these experiences?

That there’s more good than bad.  That we persevere no matter what the end result.  That time is gone as soon as it comes. That talking with people provides us and them with connections that, although fleeting, are permanent.  And, that all these connections create the collective good of our world.  

If I hadn’t talked with any of these people, I wouldn’t have received these great life lessons.

Life is beautiful.  Enjoy today.

There are some things I easily say “no” to.  “No, you can not order soda at the restaurant.”  “No, you can not stay up late to watch (name the sport).”  “No swearing!”  (No eye rolling from my kids here!).   Those are the easy things.

It’s harder when a friend or someone at work wants help with something.   Of course we’ve good intentions and the reason it’s difficult to say no is because we want help others.  Totally get that.

The problem is some of us are doing too much.  We run around stressed out because we have too much on our plate and suck at saying no.   We, read me, must learn to say no.

The trick is knowing when and how to say no.  I am not advocating being selfish – far from it.  But, maybe it’s time to take care of ourselves and put a no or two out there.

Most times, saying no can be a daunting experience.  Intellectually, you know you have to say it but when it comes time to actually using this two-letter word, we become anxious and guilty.  So, instead of saying what we really want to, we say, “yes, of course” and then later feel frustrated that we didn’t speak up.

I was thinking of creating a list of some ways to say “no” but then I decided that there is no one way, especially for people like us who say “yes” all the time.  What we need to do is step back and pick one thing at a time.  We need to not pressure ourselves to “take back our lives” as we read in all the rags.  That will create even more stress.

Learning to say no could likely be the best gift you can give yourself and those you love (and those who love you!).  It will reduce your stress level and give you time for what is really important.

So, today, just do as you normally do.  And, if something comes up – someone asks you to do something – think about it.  Is it something you love?  Is it something your passionate about?  Could you squeeze the time in and not lose time for something important to you?  If the answers are yes — then don’t worry and do it.  If not, allow yourself to say no and do not feel guilty about it!

This is going to be a fantastic day!

To my son: Yesterday was a terrible day.  And, by the time I got home I had just had enough of the world and I lost it with you.  I’m sorry.

When I was growing up, we didn’t worry about bombs or people coming into our school and killing us. We worried about drugs and AIDS – and those seemed like big worries back then.  You, your kids and your grandkids will have worries we don’t yet know or expect.

I was stressed out already from the amount of work on my plate and the number of things I needed to fit into my day.  But, from the moment I heard – minutes after the first bomb went off – I lost my focus.  I started to think about you and your brother and sister and how the world will once again have to deal with a horrible tragedy that will affect all our feelings of safety.  Plus, it was so close to home … running.

You had a scare yesterday too and I failed to recognize its effect.  You were called to the office by your dad for an appointment (which I forgot to mention) and for that period of time between leaving the classroom and seeing your father, you thought that someone in your family had died.  I failed to recognize how stressed out you were about incident when I came home.

So, with both of us scared and uncertain about the world, it set us up for our disagreement and I totally lost it.  This is the funny (not ha ha funny) thing about life — sometimes the outside world affects us so much on the inside that we just can’t figure out how to separate the two.  Maybe that’s what happened to me yesterday.  At a greater level, that’s what happened with the person who went into Sandy Hook or who set those bombs.  

After yesterday, the only thing I am really certain of (other than love) is that we have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect and we have to forgive those who remind us how imperfect the world is.

Yes, I am unhappy with your general teenage attitude and you need to work on some changes there!  But I also played a role by feeding into it and engaging in the “fight.”  I didn’t extinguish the behavior yesterday I lit it on fire.

So, I am sorry for losing it.  My tears were about you and me and the world.  

I am going to run this morning.  It will be after my apology to you and will give me time to think about us and those who are suffering from yesterday and earlier this year.  Yesterday was a horrible and scary day.  Sadly and thankfully, we will move on – hopefully stronger than before.   That’s the amazing part of being a human being.

I love you.  Mom

Stay safe everyone.

When my kids were little, I used to take them out for dinner and afterwards I would wonder what I had been thinking. It was never calm or relaxing.  The boys would be throwing food across the table or on the floor, smashing cars into each other or just plain busy.  My daughter would have her nose in a book, completely ignoring us (as well she should) and I would be exhausted and would have spent too much money on food that ended up outside of a child’s stomach.

Last night I went to a movie and dinner with my three kids, my friend and his two kids (People, please go see the movie 42.  Fantastic!).  The 7 of us have been going out to dinner for more than 10 years now and I could write a book about the interesting “conversations” we’ve all had over the years.  Let me give you last night’s list of “conversations” (please note: there were 3 teenage boys and 2 teenage girls):

1. Farting;

2. Snoring;

3. Farting with a purpose or intent to annoy family members;

4. Racism and segregation (a lot of discussions about the movie);

5. iFunny (and a demand (by me) that it be deleted from one of my children’s phone … my hawk eyes missed that one);

6. People who jump off buildings and survive (and how stupid I think that is);

7. Miscellaneous school subjects (WWII), summer camps and singing lessons;

8. Whether Freddie Mercury (from the band Queen) was gay, how he died and how cool their music was/is;

9. Which brothers are NOT going to ride in their sister’s car and if they do, what are the rules of the ride!;

10. Farting again (mine, apparently, are quite funny to the kids); and

11. How “hot” some waitress was at a restaurant in Florida.

While I’m sure I’m wrong here, my memory of being a teenager was that I listened to the conversations and didn’t say much.  I would never think to talk about farting … never.  I would not tell racy jokes or even reference them.  Talk about drugs – not likely.  And, “hot?”  I would have been afraid to say anyone was “hot.”  This is what I get for banning portable electronic devices and demanding face-to-face interactions!

While I enjoyed the food (albeit a bit soggy), I’m glad they all feel free to speak their minds.  Plus, I really did enjoy the conversations (other than the discussion about my farting).  Kids see the world in a fresher more exciting way and while I might think jumping off buildings is stupid (it’s so stupid!), they think it’s cool and it’s a good reminder that I need to clear out the old (in my brain) and bring in a bit of the new.  Who’d have thought they could (or would) watch YouTube videos of Queen!???

Happy Monday!

I have always liked the saying in this post title.  It really is so true – in both our personal and professional lives.  Yet, on a daily basis we continue to make assumptions all the time – often negative ones.

The problem with assumptions is that when we presume we know the person’s intent rather than asking, we are making judgments about the other  person – essentially taking that person for granted. This is particularly true when someone makes a negative assumption.

Most assumptions are based on the need or desire to understand a person but often are colored by the individual’s own life experiences.  Usually people see what they want to see or make connections where there are none — all in an effort to make the assumption seem more probable or reasonable to them.  Then, based on those experiences and assumptions, people convince themselves that they are “right” about the assumption.

Assumptions almost never reflect the true intent of the person.  Frankly, no one has the ability to know everything a person is thinking or feeling.  Yet, in relationships we have a tendency to think we do.  This will often be the demise of a relationship because it prevents one person from listening or trying to understand his/her partner.  Just writing this blog makes me realize how harmful it is to make assumptions about other people’s statements, actions and intentions.  We even make assumptions of people we don’t even know when we are out in public.

So, how can we avoid making assumptions?  It’s simple — ask!  Say what you are thinking and ask when you are wondering.   It might seem awkward or make you feel vulnerable, but it’s better than the alternative — arguments and hard feelings.

I’m going to watch my own assumptions.   Whether they be about my family and friends or people I meet in the grocery store.  I have a feeling it will shed new light on how I think and need to think about the world and it will also help me to better understand the people who are important (and positive) in my life.

Have a great day!

I think of myself as liberal in most aspects of the word.  And, given my career, I’m someone who believes that woman should have equal footing to men.  However, recently we’ve had this battle in our family over my lack of “equality” in the household (amen!  I’m doing way too much!!!! …. wait, they’re not talking that kind of equality!)

Here’s the thing: My boys think I treat them differently than their sister.  For example, I have a rule that the boys let women off the elevator first or hold the door for them.  “That’s ridiculous,”  they say.  “Women are equal.  Why don’t they let us off the elevator?”  Or, “Won’t that offend the women who believe in women’s lib?”  (who says women’s lib anymore??).    I get their argument but I still believe in the process …  hmm … was I born in the 50’s or the 60’s?

Then, last night as we were discussing my wanting the boys (I didn’t mention my daughter) to learn to be handy around the house, I heard something come from my mouth that almost made me faint:

“She’ll marry someone who can fix things in the house.”

I felt the world stop.  Did anyone hear that come out of my mouth?  Was I inhabited by Joan Cleaver?  Nope.  It was me and they did hear it.   Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I’m sexist (they don’t really know what it means but it sounds sexy!)

My daughter can cook (the boys can’t).  My daughter can clean up after herself (they can’t – or won’t).  My daughter can manage her time and theirs.  They can’t even manage their backpacks and junk that falls out of them.  Yet, they all do laundry, put it away, fold towels (kind of) and are learning to put their dishes in the dishwasher.  So, maybe I’m partially sexist and partially not.

Yesterday when my son went to baseball, he left his half eaten sandwich on the table with crumbs everywhere.  Instead of cleaning it up, we took a picture and left it there for when he got home.  Upon pointing it out, he lifted up the sandwich and put it in the garbage.  When I told him to pick up the crumbs he said, “How am I going to do that?”  Wow, have I created sexist monsters?

Actually, all joking aside, my boys are very good about helping when I ask and they are quick to admit that the girls at school are smarter than the boys!  They will be great in this woman’s world – I have no doubt about that.

But it’s the gray areas.  Is it ok to teach the boys about the elevator?  How about fixing things?  I think I’ve got to add my daughter to the mix.  Look, if the boys wanted to get their nails done with us, I would certainly let them! 🙂

Never a dull moment! Have a great day!

In the hustle and bustle of getting ready for work, getting the kids ready for school, making dinner, paying the bills, working all day and doing this and that, I take life for granted.  Here are 10 “life” things I take for granted:

1. The Shower: I have warm water and as much of it as I can justify.  Yet, there are millions without it.  Each time I get in, I’m sure I forget its luxury.

2. My Memory:  I forget how precious my memory is (no pun intended) and we still don’t understand how we lose it.

3. My Health: The old saying is true – We don’t know how important it is until it’s gone.  I had a scare a few years back and thought I would never forget how thankful I was that it was just a scare.  Yet, here I am … forgetting again.

4. My Job: Although I worked my way through undergrad, law school and have developed a great practice, I often forget how lucky I am and how many people would love to have a job they loved … or any job, for that matter.

5. My Parents: My mom is gone.  My dad is not. I am sure I took her for granted and I only got 6 weeks from diagnosis to death to make sure that I took important time with her.  I’m going to make an effort not to take one more minute with my dad for granted.

6. My Kids: Absolutely!  Some friends’ daughter has a bat mitzvah this weekend. During the service, there will be that moment (or many of them) where they will be filled with that incredible joy, love, (sadness) and recognition that their daughter is now a young woman.  I wish we could have that feeling all the time (but we can’t when we’re “frustrated” with our kids!). Life.

7. Nature: Despite the horrible weather, the birds were chirping this morning.  I know I take for granted the early morning sun, the evening breeze and the ability to stand outside and enjoy the entire experience.

8. The Noise:  I sometimes long for quiet time in my house … no kids and just a bottle of wine and the TV.  But in short order I will have all the time in the world for that … I’m not going to take these next few years for granted.

9. Love: We can’t live without it but we often take the love of another for granted.

10. Who I am:  I received a note from a close friend yesterday: “Here you were (in a prior post) worried about whether we would judge you for pulling out your grays, and yet you ran out to the parking lot to catch a woman without hesitating to consider the cost.  Which do you think we are more likely to remember? You are BEAUTIFUL my friend.  So beautiful.”  I don’t feel that way and I know I take myself for granted all the time.  Thx for the reminder!

Love yourself today and try not to take anything for granted!

Last night a friend invited me to a yoga class (thanks … I needed it!).  We heard during class he reminded us that we should remain playful in life – and not give it up as we “grow up.”  Wow – so true!

Sometimes, when we get so caught up in the stresses of everyday life (I know I do) such that it can be difficult to remain playful and lighthearted. But many of our best memories are made when we’re just being carefree.  Remember playing on the floor with your kids?  How much fun they had (and you did too).

When I got home, I had a long conversation with a close friend as we discussed ways that people can (try) to put their worries aside to tap into that playful state.  Here’s our list:

1. Live every day as if it were a fresh new start.  Don’t be held back by what happened yesterday, the day before or last week.

2. Don’t complain.  Rather than complain about your problems do something about them.  (I’ll allow for complaining about this snow, however!)

3. Be proactive.  Stop waiting for something to happen or someone to do something. You control your destiny.

4. Live more consciously.  As I wrote yesterday, if I had been sleep-walking through life, I would not have had the opportunity to pay for that woman’s prescription.

5. Do things you love.  Life is precious to spend it doing anything else.  No matter how you feel or what you have in front of you, spend time and energy on things and people who bring you fulfillment and happiness.

6. Find your passion in life.  This is something I am working on now.  I know what my passion is I just don’t know what to do with it!

7. Learn from criticism.  Be open to criticism.  It will help you be a better person so learn from it.

8. Be positive. Don’t you love being around those that are glass half-full rather than half-empty?  Maybe we could work on being all full!

9. Don’t badmouth others.  This goes without saying.  It sucks energy out of you.

10. Be compassionate and empathetic.  Look at life from another’s view point and show compassion and kindness to everyone.

11. Dance!!!! Whether in your mind or with your body!

Have a great (and safe) day!