Fighting (and making up) – (adult-style).

Let me start by acknowledging that I’ve been divorced for 10 years and still not remarried.  So it might seem like I’m the wrong person to write this blog.  But, I’ve had my fair share of experience during my marriage, and since then … and I have three kids!  So, nothing is off-limits!

We all fight.  We don’t like it, but we do.  The first question is why do we fight?  Why does it seem like it’s always about the little stuff?  A friend once told me, “the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”   With love, we have connection.  With indifference, there is no connection and that is often the problem.

In relationships, we all need to know that our partner cares and that we matter. So, when we feel we don’t matter for some reason, we will often start a fight.  We don’t say it out loud, but that’s likely what’s happening. We feel vulnerable, not connected, we get upset and lash out.

I wish I’d have thought more about this topic years ago.  But, it’s never too late to learn how to fight fair – (future AARP article!):

1. Both people have the right to have needs, wants and to make requests of each other.  We must start with this premise but it’s a tough one, especially when we don’t agree with the needs and wants.
2. Even if your partner’s needs or wants make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, it is OK for your partner to be understood and heard.
3. Both people’s feelings matter and you must have the desire not to hurt their feelings.
4. If your partner brings up an issue, it is already important to them.  Dismissing, stonewalling, ignoring, minimizing, joking and making promises that are not kept is damaging to any relationship.
5. Keep your emotions in check.  This is often how things get out of hand.
6. Be at your best when you discuss issues.  When someone is angry, that’s not the best time to “respond.”  It is, however, the best time to listen and thank them for being vulnerable about something they’re frustrated about.  Promise to address the issue at some point (soon).
7. Please remember that your partner should be your equal.

Fighting is the “easy” part.  The hard part is making up – I mean real solutions (the other stuff is fun too!).  

First, when we’ve resolved an issue, we must stick to whatever agreement we made.  When you don’t, it erodes trust, which causes bigger problems.

Second, we must try to learn something about ourselves and our partner’s needs in the process of the disagreement.  

Finally, work together to create a safe environment where you can share openly with each other without fear of retribution, judgement or rejection.  If you don’t, your partner or you will shut down or fail to open up.

Once you feel that sense of emotional security, you and your partner/child/friend will build that connection of love and trust, which is what we’re all looking for!

Have a wonderful day!