Yesterday.

To my son: Yesterday was a terrible day.  And, by the time I got home I had just had enough of the world and I lost it with you.  I’m sorry.

When I was growing up, we didn’t worry about bombs or people coming into our school and killing us. We worried about drugs and AIDS – and those seemed like big worries back then.  You, your kids and your grandkids will have worries we don’t yet know or expect.

I was stressed out already from the amount of work on my plate and the number of things I needed to fit into my day.  But, from the moment I heard – minutes after the first bomb went off – I lost my focus.  I started to think about you and your brother and sister and how the world will once again have to deal with a horrible tragedy that will affect all our feelings of safety.  Plus, it was so close to home … running.

You had a scare yesterday too and I failed to recognize its effect.  You were called to the office by your dad for an appointment (which I forgot to mention) and for that period of time between leaving the classroom and seeing your father, you thought that someone in your family had died.  I failed to recognize how stressed out you were about incident when I came home.

So, with both of us scared and uncertain about the world, it set us up for our disagreement and I totally lost it.  This is the funny (not ha ha funny) thing about life — sometimes the outside world affects us so much on the inside that we just can’t figure out how to separate the two.  Maybe that’s what happened to me yesterday.  At a greater level, that’s what happened with the person who went into Sandy Hook or who set those bombs.  

After yesterday, the only thing I am really certain of (other than love) is that we have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect and we have to forgive those who remind us how imperfect the world is.

Yes, I am unhappy with your general teenage attitude and you need to work on some changes there!  But I also played a role by feeding into it and engaging in the “fight.”  I didn’t extinguish the behavior yesterday I lit it on fire.

So, I am sorry for losing it.  My tears were about you and me and the world.  

I am going to run this morning.  It will be after my apology to you and will give me time to think about us and those who are suffering from yesterday and earlier this year.  Yesterday was a horrible and scary day.  Sadly and thankfully, we will move on – hopefully stronger than before.   That’s the amazing part of being a human being.

I love you.  Mom

Stay safe everyone.