Monthly Archives: March 2013

Dear ______, I’m sorry that …

Kids:  … I am tired (did I say that) and sometimes I am so distracted by work, the house, feeding and cleaning up after you and paying the bills that I am sometimes short or just not listening.  I am going to make an effort to be present a bit more often.

House:  … I have totally neglected your walls and your exterior.  I have been too tired, broke, tired, broke or just not interested in getting to these projects.  However, I promise to get you sometime this year.

Friends: … We’ve not seen each other. I do want to get together. I’m not just saying that. During the day, I’m distracted by work, kids and work.  At night, I am either at the grocery store, Target or feeding and cleaning up kids.  I’m thinking that if you bring over your laundry and hungry kids, we can kill two birds with one stone!  I’ll have the wine too!

Long-distance friends and family:  … We’re apart. I love you.  But if you’re not on Facebook, I probably won’t be in contact as often as I should. Nothing’s perfect … certainly not Facebook.

Splashers and Dashers:  … I’ve been absent.  I miss you.  Working does not allow as many visits but I love seeing you at the health club and I am glad you still love me.

Yoga: … I am not focused.  I am trying.  But, having that time where there are no kids and just my mat, leaves me open for solving problems, making mental lists, and just plain thinking (read worrying!).  I know that the more intention I put into you the better it will be.  Give me time (like a lifetime!).

Hobbies and Books:  … I have not played you or picked you up.  After all of the above, I just can not find time for us to be together … not yet anyway.

So, I am MIA on occasion.  But, there are times when I just need to sleep, spend time with my family or just plain run and run and run as fast as my little 50 year-old legs will take me.  And for that, I can’t say, “I’m sorry.”

Have a great day!

We are a bit (some more than others) cranky in our house.  What is it about this time of year that’s so difficult?  We are sick of winter, it’s too cold and wet to go out, spring is still far away, still a lot of school left … and on and on …

For me, my happiness is often thwarted by one of my kids being unpleasant.  This seems to be happening with greater frequency.  I have written that being happy is a choice – I totally buy into that!  And, maybe I just need a reminder (as do my kids) on this choice-thing.   It’s kind of like when you feel a lack of energy … the best thing to do is to get your body moving.  Happiness is the same way.

When I am feeling down, I intentionally create happiness in my life (and try to get my kids to do the same thing):

1. Dance: I love music and dancing.  My kids think I’m crazy but I can do it in the car, in the aisle of the grocery store and in front of the big picture window at home.  They’ve taped me doing it!  And while I must admit I look like I am having a seizure, I can just feel the happiness oozing from my pores.

2. Smile: I make a point of smiling at everyone.  This sometimes requires a fake smile on my part but eventually it becomes more natural!

3. Laugh: Laughing is amazing.  When you laugh you release your body’s own natural opiates – endorphins which make you feel good. Why not do it all the time (except at that cop when he pulls you over)?

4. Make Someone Else Happy: I try to thank or compliment as many people as I can.  I do make sure I’m not blowing smoke!  It feels great!

5. Let Others Go First:  Whether in a line at the store, on the freeway, at the coffee shop or in a parking lot at the health club at prime time (well, I’m not perfect here!).

6. Remember What I am Thankful For: Yup.  Heard it before and I’ll say it again.  This one works!

7. Exercise. Moving my body makes me feel good.  I sometimes have to force myself because I feel tired but I know I’ll be glad I did.

I don’t know why we are having a bout of crankiness.  Is it me?  Is it them?  Do we need a vacation from each other?  Or one together?  Whatever the reason for the unpleasantness in the house, I am going to force feed some happiness all around (that includes me, of course).  I’ll let you know if I (or they) survive!

Have a HAPPY day!

I know a woman who recently ended a very rocky relationship.  For most of it, she knew something wasn’t quite right.  She knew she had done some things that were against the tenets of a relationship, but her tapes were playing about her worthiness … so she stayed.  Yet, something felt wrong to her.  She was listening but not acting on her inner voice.  I recall hearing these same stories when I was on the board of a battered women’s shelter.

I am finding myself doing the same thing in certain areas of my life.  I have gut feelings about how things are going and instead of acting on them I wait, I watch and sometimes I don’t act.  When I do act, I am thankful (albeit a difficult process) that I have listened.  We need to remind ourselves to listen to that inner voice – that gut feel.   The one that we sometimes silence and never should.  That voice, which will eventually tell you that if something just doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t.  

While some decisions are better made with a long analysis and thought process, there are many that are better made with quick thinking and reaction. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research (yes, got this off the internet!) concluded that people who deliberate about decisions make less accurate judgments than people who trust their instincts. In fact, in five separate studies, the researchers found that better judgments can often be made without deliberation!  This is such good news for me!!

So, all I really want to say today is that we need to learn to trust our own internal voices.   And, even more important is to teach our children how to listen to their own voices … the ones they will need when they are faced with those critical teenage decisions.

I often forget that the wisdom I need for my life is right inside me – and it’s inside my kids too.  While our culture has trained us to dismiss this useful resource, we really must consult our heart first … reason will almost always catch up later.   After all, no one knows us better than ourselves.

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.” – Michael Burke

Have a wonderful Saturday.

One of the things that makes me happy is spending time with my friends.  Yet, it’s one of the things that gets dropped out of my crazy-busy work-family-miscellaneous-stuff life schedule.  Every time I have the chance to spend time with friends, I realize that I need to make that time more of a priority in my life.

All of my friends have busy lives of their own so I get that it’s tough to get together schedule-wise.  And I know it’s not for lack of trying.  I have emails and text messages about trying getting together.  I’ve got dates on the calendar.  But, often something like kids, work or other “life issues” will get in the way.

My kids and I often talk about having “BFF’s” and they ask if you can you have more than one (other than your siblings, of course – yea, they are not buying that right now!).  My response is, “Yes!”  Lives take different paths and you can have many BFF’s.  Moreover, it is ok and normal for them to come in and out of your life at various times.

So to all my friends out there, here’s why I love and miss you:

1. You are always there for me. You laugh with me and cry with me.

2. You accept and love me for who I am.  You are not in my life expecting me to change for you.

3. You tell me the truth about my actions, whether I like it or not.

4. I know your advice is not for some ulterior motive.

5. You so easily bring a smile to my face when I’m sad.

6. You let me share my deepest darkest secrets and I know you will never tell anyone.

7. You listen to me when I need it the most.

8. You are sad at my failures and happy at my successes.

9. I never feel lonely when I am talking to or with you.

10. Even if I don’t talk with you for months, I still know you are there for me at a moments notice.

I’m reminded of the chorus to one of my favorite songs by Bill Withers:

Lean on me, when you’re not strong 
And I’ll be your friend. 
I’ll help you carry on. 
For it won’t be long, 
Till I’m gonna need 
Somebody to lean on. 

To all my friends: Although I don’t see or talk with you as often as I would like – I know you are there for me if I need a shoulder and I am always here for you too – to lean on me!

Tell your friends why they are special and important to you in  your busy and crazy life!

Have a great start to your weekend!

Well, here we are. I’ve blogged every day for 1/2 a year. If this is anything like life, I anticipate the latter half of this year will go faster than the first. Allow me to take a bit of stock thus far:

1. Has anyone gotten anything from these blogs? I wonder if it’s just my daily and incessant chatter about life, love, kids, work and chance encounters or if there is really any meaning to all this for someone other than me. Please do tell!

2. Have I gotten anything from these blogs? I have to admit that I have cried over blogs, cried over comments from people, experiences I’ve had and even cried over a pseudo blog I got from a friend – making (loving) fun of me – posting “theyearof50smifty.” I’ve learned: (a) that life is beautiful and complicated. I always knew this but writing about it every day brings new meaning to it; (b) that I’ve got issues. I always knew I had issues, but it’s soul-bearing and heart-wrenching to put them on the internet – daily – for all to read. I hope I haven’t affected your view of me; and (c) that I’m on the cusp of something else. I have known for a while that there is something else out there that I need to do or experience. I’m not sure if it relates to the kids, love, helping people or something in between (this is aside my all time dream of being a grandma (no hurry there, kids!)). What I do know is that something else is in my future.  Maybe that is true for all of us …

3. Do I have strange(r) experiences? I think that I have the odd (or if you want to be nice – unique) ability to connect with strangers. I’ve had friends tell me that it’s “unusual” to have all these experiences with people I don’t know. Has this happened so I can share their stories or insights? Am I just so out there that I drag their stories out of them? What ever the reason, I feel fortunate to meet people in the pool, in the coffee shop and even those people who are crying at the gas station. I hope I help them as much as their stories help me.

4. What have I realized from writing every day? I realize that I worry too much; I go to the grocery store way too much; that I have super cool friends and family members; that people I don’t know in foreign countries are reading this blog; that “blogging” is just another word for “typing”; that my kids think I’m awkward (I knew that already); that I’m still in Love with Love (yeah, some of you knew that already too); and that we can find a message in 500 words or less.

So, thank you for reading, for inspiring me, for loving me and for just being amazing human beings. Every one of you brightens my day!

Welcome to the second half of being 50!

I was at the health club and in the locker room was a woman with a baby that was 7 months old.  He was wrapped in a big white towel as she’d just showered him up.  I chatted with her for a minute and then headed out.  As I left, I felt myself starting to cry (sob, really, but who is going to argue with a menopausal woman?).

Do you ever have those days where it just hits you so hard — where you wish you could press the pause button on time?  Where you recall those moments when your child was just a baby, with those big cheeks and eyes that smiled at you when you said their name?  I clearly had one of those moments yesterday.

Recently, I noticed some of the girls in my son’s grade (7th).  I was blown away by how grown up they seemed.  I’m sure people say that about my boys – almost 5’11” and still growing. In a blink of an eye, my daughter will be leaving for college.  When did all this happen? Sometimes, when I really think about it – my heart starts breaking.

Yes, it was exhausting to be a single mom with three kids under 5, a million diapers, bottles, shoes, socks, laundry …. we all remember it.  Wanting to go to sleep at 8 when they did but knowing there was so much laundry or work to do.

Yet, like most difficult periods, we forget about the hard parts and remember the great things.   Actually, it almost feels like I’ve been under a magic spell – cast upon me when they were born so that the time from diapers to driving passed like a nanosecond.

Have you seen that commercial for Subaru with the Dad handing over the keys to his daughter while giving driving instructions?  The camera pans to the daughter who looks like she’s 5.  Then the camera resets and the daughter is really a beautiful sixteen year-old girl who replies (as they do), “DAD, I KNOW,” and drives off.   When I see that commercial, I can only stare and know that feeling way deep down inside of me.  That total love, excitement about their lives and worry about their safety.

So, through my tears yesterday, I remembered what my mom had told me about being a parent (yesterday was her 73rd birthday — I miss you mom!): that our job as parents is to help guide our kids to become independent, successful, happy adults and then to let go.

Yesterday, as watched my kids at the table, talking with one another, I was overcome with joy and sense of appreciation that literally filled my whole being.  Life is taking us all down diverse paths, yet we will always be a family.  I marveled at how fast these treasures I’ve been given have grown up and how lucky I really have been to have these experiences with them.

Treasure your kids today (unless they are crabby … then try tomorrow! (smile))

As if we can’t get enough ideas on how to live our life better (and I never can remember them unless they are on the refrigerator!), I read an article by Dr. G. Jampolsky where he proposed a number of life lessons.  His idea is that actively concentrating on these lessons will result in them becoming habit-forming.  I can always learn something new so here are a few of his ideas:

1. All That I Give is Given to Myself

The more love you give away, the more is returned to you. It’s the principle, “What goes around; comes around.”

2. Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness

Whenever we hold on to past hurts, we don’t allow ourselves peace of mind or true happiness. We need to learn to let things go and to forgive ourselves and give up our guilt.

3. I am Never Upset for the Reason I Think

This refers to the provocative thought that instead of our perceptions of the world outside of us being the cause and our emotions being the effect, the world outside ourselves is really the effect of the cause of our thinking.

4. I am Determined to See Things Differently

Making a conscious effort to stay present in the moment will help to see things differently without the context of the past to color our perceptions.

5.  Today I Will Judge Nothing That Occurs

When we make the decision to love, we become able to focus on people’s strengths and overlook their weaknesses. Can you even imagine what that might be like in all areas of your life?

6. I Could See Peace Instead of This

If we are constantly in a state of conflict, we cannot be truly happy. Living in the moment is the key to happiness.

7. I Am Responsible for What I See

We have created everything we have in our lives and if we are not satisfied, then we must change our thoughts to attract the love and happiness into our lives that we desire.

I hope you have a thoughtful and loving day.  Drive carefully!

I know we are supposed to cut ourselves some slack on days when we just can’t get it together in yoga.  Yesterday was so bad that I really did wonder if other people could hear the chatter in my mind!

Here’s some of the progression of my thoughts during my 75 minute class yesterday:

Why is the a woman so close to me?  Her foot is almost in my face.  Thank goodness she doesn’t have tattoos on her feet because she has them everywhere else.  Wow, that tattoo on her arm is pretty colorful.  I wonder where she got it and if it hurt.  How do these women have such great arm and back muscles?  Why can’t I have them?  Maybe I need to eat more protein. Maybe I need to cut down on fat. On carbs.  On nuts.  Oh, I need to get some more trail mix at Costco.  I really don’t want to go there today because it will be packed. I wonder how my friend is doing? He’s got a lot on his plate.  What is it about Karma? What is the most important part of love? How do you know if you are in love?  Gosh, that woman is so flexible. She must be young. She’s clearly not a runner.  What time is it? Wonder what the kids are doing? The boys are playing too much Xbox. Why do we have so many box elder bugs in the house right now? Do I need to hire someone to come and get rid of them?  I’ve got to do some research on that.  What time is it? I’ve got to get some work done when I get home.  I want to make some banana muffins too. Oh, we are doing our last vinyasa. Ok. I am going to focus now. Why does my flab seem to hang over when I touch my toes?  Why can’t I touch my toes? What am I going to make for dinner?  Maybe we can make burgers on the George Foreman.  I wonder how to add the cheese to the burger.  I need a George Foreman cookbook.  I am not focused.  I am going to try to focus now.  We only have 5 minutes left … how many ceiling tiles are the size of my mat …?

Yup.  Likely my least successful class thus far.  I can only go up from here!

Have a clear-minded day!

I went to the Joffrey ballet with my father earlier this week.  I loved it.  As I sat there I was reminded of how quickly time flies and how different life and relationships look at every stage.

A number of years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to hospice work and I became a hospice volunteer.  I was assigned a patient who was in the latter stages of his/her life (had nothing to do with age – just time left to live).  I would go and visit and be the “light” during that particular days visit.  It was wonderful and quite sad work at the same time.

Then, one day it hit me … why wasn’t I spending this time getting to know my dad?  Here I was spending hours with strangers and yet, I had a father who lived just miles from me.  I had no idea if he had an interest in this idea but last summer I decided to try it and took a break from volunteering.

I remember the first day I called my dad for coffee, he sounded shocked (he even said it!).  He asked if something was “wrong.”  I told him no, that I just wanted to have a cup of coffee with him.  He gave me a time and a place and we met. Admittedly, it was awkward at first.  I am sure he thought I needed money, or something of that nature because I never met him just to “chat.”

That’s how I get to the “date.”  The Joffrey was one day shy of 8 months since that first coffee date – which was on a beautiful summer morning.  I now see him at least once a week (usually for coffee) and I talk with him every day (he could be bored with that but he’s too kind to tell me!).  My kids have even gotten into wanting to see “Gramps” because they say he is so “hip” (they never say that about me!).  We’ve seen movies with the kids, dinners, the opera and now the ballet!

So, even though it’s not Father’s Day – I want to give a shout out to my dad.  I am lucky to have this experience and I am enjoying every minute.   Yes, time flies and I did miss a lot of time with him.  But you really can make up a lot of time over a cup of coffee!