Monthly Archives: February 2013

I have not been able to come up with an idea for today. I have been consumed with my sadness for a family friend whose son (in my boys’ grade and class) lost his eye in an accident at school earlier this week. Let me say first that this family has beautiful spirit but has been tested these last two years. This last incident would be enough without all of the rest.

I won’t dwell on the accident itself but I want to talk about snaps – those snap events which color or change our lives. These “snaps” come with no apparent rhyme or reason.

It goes without saying (although we all say it as if to remind ourselves) that life is short. Yet, even though it’s gone in a snap, we still seem to think that we’ll live forever. We put off doing things for next year because we all assume we have another year. We don’t tell the ones we love how much we love them NOW because we assume there’s always LATER.

Some of you know that my mom thought she would only live to 59. We thought she was crazy. When she turned 59 she reminded us of this feeling and threw a big party for herself in honor of her and my daughter (they both loved Fred and Ginger movies and that was the theme!).

Four months later, she had a weird physical symptom. Turned out it was two brain tumors and she died six weeks later (when my boys were 6 weeks old) – at 59. I am still heartbroken.

Yet, it is a constant reminder to me that you can’t wait for that snap moment when life changes or is gone. You must enjoy it now. Our little friend is alive and fighting to avoid anything worse than the lost eye. He is a trooper and all of his friends are learning an incredible lesson right now – sadly at the expense of their friend.

So take a moment today to look at your life. What are you putting off? What are you avoiding trying? Go do it! Get on a dating web site if you are single. Tell your spouse/partner how much you value the relationship with all its imperfections. Tell your parents and children how much you love them. Buy those tickets…take that vacation. Love yourself. Don’t let a snap event leave anything behind.

Today is a new day. Enjoy it now!

So, I’ve got about 10 minutes before I leave for my movie and dinner with a friend and I really don’t want to use that time wisely. I don’t want to do yet another load of laundry. I’ve cleaned myself up so I don’t want to do the dishes. So, I do what we all do when we have a few minutes – I get on the internet.

I decide to google the last food item I had eaten – a banana. When I do, up comes hundreds of web sites – and one of them says: “How many calories in a banana?” Hmm, I wonder, “just how many calories are there in a banana?” As you can see, this is the high brow way of wasting time – something I do quite infrequently! So, I click on the web site and here’s the list that comes up:

1. How many calories are in a banana split? Not really my question but sounds good. Makes me think of having a dessert tonight!

2. How many calories are in a banana and apple smoothie? How do you chop apples into a smoothie? Too complicated for me and I am running out of time. I just want the calories in a banana.

3. How many calories are in a banana cream pie? Did I not just ask for the calories of ONE banana? Geeze. I move on.

4. How many calories are in a raw banana? What other kind of bananas are there? Weird.

5. How many calories are in a single banana? Ok, here we go. But before I can click on it I see #6 – which totally catches my eye.

6. How many calories in Chiquita banana? You mean to tell me that some brands grow bananas with more or fewer calories? Now I am hooked and going to be late as I see #7.

7. How many calories in a 6 inch banana? Seems a bit pornographic to me. Not going there.

8. How many calories in a Dole banana? Is this going to be more or less than the Chiquita (love that name) banana?

9. How many calories in a Costco banana? My guess is the Costco banana has fewer calories at a bulk price. Don’t you think? OMG – what’s happening to me?

10. How many calories in a big banana? Really? Am I going to get a web site of bananas or men? Yikes!

11. Do bananas neutralize stomach acids for an ulcer?
This is the problem with the internet. I ask about how many calories in one banana and I get stomach ulcers!

12. What happens when you eat a bananas only diet? I’m done. Who has the time to write this s$%#? And, why am I standing here reading it? I put my coat on and leave – but not before erasing the history. I don’t want my kids to know about the stupid stuff I do in the internet when they’re not around!

Have a great day!

Since starting this blog (since I’ve turned 50 – but whose counting?), I’ve set my sights on living a happier life and having a great day (almost) every day. I’m happy to report that I’ve had many more good days than bad. This has resulted in my sleeping better, feeling better, meeting the most incredible people and having more interesting opportunities come my way.

As a single, working mom, I have the typical single and working and mom issues – and a lot of them! We all have issues, right?  Yesterday was a typical Monday  – almost as soon as I got up,”issues” were arising.   However, I intentionally decided to set my sights on a great day, regardless.

First, I got up and out early because I was meeting an old (old meaning met him a long time ago) friend. As I drove in my cold car, I wondered what the h$%* I was doing out so early. However, when I arrived, he had a cup of coffee at the table for me! It was a no baggage conversation about life, love, kids and the new books we are reading. It was one of those times where you leave feeling refreshed and ready to start your day!

When I got to work my assistant had a smile on her face. After 18+ years, you’d think she would be sick of me (and maybe she is but won’t tell me!). In any case, I need to say thanks and Happy Birthday (today is her birthday!).

Later on I received a phone call from another friend. Someone with whom I trust my deepest secrets – who I can cry with, laugh with and eat and drink with. It made me feel good to talk and share my thoughts on my day and my life.  We both ended the call with smiles on our faces.  I finished my night at the health club with my work out partner — it feels great to work out and sweat with a good friend!

How is it that some days seem worse than others? I think it’s because we let minor annoyances get in the way and we give the little things too much power.

I could have looked at my day in reverse: I had a sick kid at home, spilled syrup on me and the wood floor when I was already dressed for work, someone didn’t get a project to me that I needed days ago, my car is filthy and I can’t see out the back window, my dress was full of static all day, etc.  Instead, I intentionally chose to have a good day — chose is the operative word.

Just for today, chose a great day.  Nobody has a perfect life and no one ever will. Try to focus on the good small stuff rather than the bad small stuff.  I promise, you’ll have an amazing day too!

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” Tony Robbins

This weekend I went to the opera – Doubt which focuses on that which we really are certain of … if anything.  It made me think about some things in my own life and whether I really am as certain as I thought I was.

So many of us are try not to let go of things and people – even when we’re not sure that’s where we’re supposed to be. It is usually at these times of doubt, those awkward, in-between places where we feel uncertain and unsure that we begin to question our purpose and direction.  I used to think that this meant my life was “bad” because I was uncertain, but I’ve come to realize that I have learned my most valuable lessons in times of uncertainty.

I’ve had a few pivotal moments thus far in my yearof50.  I have tried to think of these moments like that of a trapeze artist who has to let go of one bar and leaves an ever obvious gap before she grabs the next bar. I am in that gap right now and as breathtaking as that moment is … I can see that this gap requires me to look at myself and ask some tough questions:

1. Is my doubt, which prevents me from making a decision, just a way to avoid (fear) the quietness of nothing?  For most of my life, when something is ripe and right in front of me, I have no trouble making a decision. I have a sense of knowing and I act quickly and decisively.  It’s at these moments of uncertainty and doubt that I must stop, listen and look for direction rather than create it (see #2).

2. Am I trying to force something that just won’t work?  Maybe if I let go, I will find that what I thought I wanted and needed, really was not what I wanted and needed!

3. During these times of doubt, how can I stop my internal focus? I realized this weekend that being with and helping others, takes my mind off myself and allows me to give my energy to other people. In turn, I meet interesting people who return my energy ten fold!

So, I’m left with this: living with uncertainty and doubt is ok – in fact, I think it’s good. At times of uncertainty we should quietly pay attention to the signs for our next direction – not force it because of fear.

There really is only one truth in life, right?  It’s death. And with that certainty, we must fully live every day and every moment and embrace (and enjoy!) the uncertainty and doubt that comes with every day life.

Have a beautiful start to your week!

I will admit it – I am a chocoholic.  You might not know this about me but I am.  I love the way the piece of chocolate feels when I have my first one just after lunch.  It’s an indulgence that I have with my first cup of coffee (also after lunch — decaf please!).

Now, I would rank being a Mom right up there too (as I’ve written about many times) as one of those things in life that has no equal.  Today I would also add friendship – as another very important part of my life.  Sometimes, we allow our friendships to take a back seat to our kids, our careers, spouses, etc.  However, seeing my friends has that same soothing feeling as that wonderful piece of chocolate.  It makes me feel happy and energized.  Yet, I don’t always make it a priority.

I justify my chocolate addiction because of the studies which say that chocolate contains compounds that can help maintain a healthy heart, good circulation, and reduce blood clotting (great, huh?).  Similarly, a study at Harvard Medical school (must be valid, right?) found that women with friends were less likely to develop physical impairments as they aged.

I know for me personally, whether it’s a few minutes on the phone, a run in at the health club, a nice e-mail shared, lunch/dinner or a cup of coffee, I am left feeling fantastic after these connections with friends!  While I love being a Mom, I have found recently that I really need friend time too.  Now some of you have a spouse or partner where you get some of that and I am glad you do.  However, there is something special about friends, those people where you can talk about anything, love, relationships, finances, parenting and other such high-brow topics!

For me, talking with friends is like that wonderful piece of chocolate – once I finally take the time to make the call, send the email, have the coffee, I am already planning the next get together!  It is that “feel good” addiction, where I just can’t have one piece (or meeting) and move on – I want to do it again (although I really do try to limit myself to ONE piece after lunch!).

In my opinion, being a Mom, having chocolate and being with friends are all incredibly energizing and satisfying.  So, if you need to slow down and take some recharging time, think about doing it with a friend today … and bring along some chocolate!

Have a great Sunday!

There are instruction manuals for almost everything these days — whether it’s how to install your blinds to how to wash your delicates … plus, you can find it all on YouTube!  So, wouldn’t it make sense for people to come with instruction manuals too?

The first thing we look for when we have a problem is a book.  We think that if we find the right “manual” our problems will be solved.  Maybe this is because we are taught as children to “read the instructions.”  While these books might be on the bestseller list, they usually are not enough to fix our “issues.”  In our personal  lives, we have a tendency to gloss over that which we should be working on … often pointing our fingers at others.

In relationships, a divisive issue can resurface again and again, eventually destroying the reason(s) why we were attracted to the person in the first place.  It is when couples cannot get past the emotional sentiment of a conflict that the couple will often walk away.

I was talking with three different friends this week, all of whom are very unhappily married (two women and one man).  I know a number of people in this situation – as do you, I suppose.   I heard the same things, complaints and reasons for wanting to leave.  While I know there is no one-size-fits-all way to solve these problems (and I am divorced and still single, you know!), I do know one thing … you have to focus on you – not just the other person’s conduct.

1. Find someone to talk with:  There is no way to solve some of those deep-seated issues without a third-party —  someone who will call you on your stuff! That’s the critical piece – it takes two to tango, so fix you first!

2. Exercise: Nothing like it.  Sometimes you will have to push yourself to do it. You’ll be glad you did.  You will solve so many “issues” while you are in the middle of a work-out. I ran my first marathon as I was getting divorced (plus went to kick boxing!!! :))

3. Be happy:  Sometimes this has to be forced (just like I tell my kids, you might not feel happy right now but if you try it … pretend for a bit … it might actually change your attitude!).  Happy people attract happy people.

4. Take care of yourself:  It is important to refuse to be your partner’s problem.  We all play a role in relationships.  But, sometimes we have to sit back and let our partner make decisions about his or her life.  If we get caught in the drama – it only makes it worse.

So, take care of yourself if you are feeling down or concerned about a situation.  You will be surprised at the revelations that you have about who you are and what you really want or need in a partner and in life!

Have a great day!

I am steeped in conflict most of every work day.  And, I accept it in my work life.  In fact, I sometimes enjoy it.   But in my personal life … I don’t like it at all.   I not only don’t like it, I am terrible at dealing with it … hence my beautiful and comfortable (yet dysfunctional) cave.

Whether we like it or not, conflict occurs in every relationship — with our kids, at work and with our partners.  Sometimes we get stuck in situations where the conflict seems too difficult to manage so we just walk away. My modus operandi is sometimes to think (hope) that an ignored issue will go away.  How could I be any more wrong???

Ignoring an issue does not mean that it has gone away. Rather, the opposite occurs … it never goes away.  Instead, it comes back sideways, spinning out of control and causing harm to our partner and our relationship.  However, I am a firm believer in repair – so I love the idea of working these things out! (Of course, there are times when the conflict is too serious and just can’t be resolved).

Disagreements can bring out  the issues that you might be aware of and more importantly issues that you were in blissfully ignorant of.  Conflict is a great opportunity to learn and grow.  It is an opportunity to listen to your partner’s issues, acknowledge them and work through them with love, not fear.  Maybe some of you have some difficulty with this, as I do … however, I am not pointing fingers at anyone but myself!

I’ve identified some ideas for me (maybe some of you too) to help do a better job at dealing with conflict:

1. Ask questions: Sometimes conflict comes from misunderstandings and miscommunications.  Know what you are facing before you tackle it.

2. Listen for the expectations: Conflict can arise when someone’s expectations are not met or not understood.

3. Identify the miscommunications:  Miscommunications often arises when people having different perceptions – where you or the other person saw things differently.   But, in this step also watch for #4.

4. Avoid blame: Nothing will kill an attempt to resolve conflict more than one person blaming the other.

5. Watch for the emotional triggers: They are hidden landmines which will mask the real issues.  This is the vulnerability piece that must be watched very carefully and lovingly.

6. Stay calm: This is not a time for angry outbursts or name calling.  It will just escalate the conflict and cause more damage.

6. Commit to working it out: There is nothing more comforting than your partner saying – “Look honey, we can work anything out together.”

I know that there are those times when you just can’t work it out and a change is necessary.  But there is almost always a way to work conflicts out with love and commitment.

Have a wonderful day!