Monthly Archives: February 2013

Life is funny.  One day we’re worried about something and the next day we realize that the “something” is overtaken by a worry about something else.   And this same thing happens over and over again.  We assume that the worry is about a particular direction or decision, but then once headed a different way, we realize that our worry was for naught.

Tom Cochrane wrote a song entitled Life is a Highway.  Here are some of the words to that song and my thoughts:

Life’s like a road that you travel on
When there’s one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There’s a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won’t haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won’t hesitate, break down the garden gate
There’s not much time left today

CHORUS:

Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you’re going my way
I want to drive it all night long

Through all the cities and all these towns 
It’s in my blood and it’s all around 
I loved you now like I loved you then 
This is the road and these are the hills 
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights 
The Khyber pass to Vancouver’s lights 
Knock me down – I’m back up again 
You’re in my blood – I’m not a lonely man 

There’s no load I can’t hold 
Roads are rough – this I know 
I’ll be there when the light comes in 
Just tell ’em we’re survivors  . . .

While this was Cochrane’s one hit in the U.S., I think the idea behind the words fit the direction we’ve been heading in this blog:  Life is a highway.  It’s not the destination that is the important part, but rather the journey and how you deal with the turns and twists of that journey.  We really are like travelers on this same road that many have gone before (sounds like Star Trek!).  However, we go down this road in different ways.  And yet, while we have all these differences, the road (or the highway) remains constant.

The truth is, we can’t control where life takes us.  For a long time I thought I was going in a particular direction – down a specific road – and now I find myself heading down a totally different path.  However, while there are many ups and downs in this journey, all we can do is ride along and enjoy every (almost) minute of life!  Let’s teach our kids the same thing.

Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long.  If you’re going my way, I want to drive it all night long.

Enjoy EVERY minute of your Monday!

Yesterday I said to my kids, “I am fried, fried, fried.”  When I asked my daughter what I should blog about, she said, “that you’re fried.”  I  almost never say I’m tired.  However, this was a tough week, some big changes in my life (good, but tough), some new news and a few difficult decisions.  Not to mention the general goings on in my house!  It was just one of those weeks!

Let me say this, I never get tired of doing things for others.  Some times those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts (and mine) and I love that.  However, I am tired of those people who take, take, take and still want more.  You know what I’m talking about?

I am tired of saying I am ok.  Sometimes when I say “I’m okay,”  I want someone to look me in the eyes, hold my hand and say, “No, you’re not ok and that’s ok.”  We need other people – so let them in when they ask.

I am tired of wanting someone to change.  People don’t change unless they want to and some people think they are perfect just the way they are!  No one is perfect. Also, equally as true is that wanting to be someone you are not is a waste of who you are.

I am tired of dishonesty – in any form.  No explanation needed.

I am tired of people who can’t see the beauty in flaws and failure.  I love flaws and failure.  It’s what makes life so interesting.

I am tired of wasting my time with people who are just wasting time.  I cherish (almost) every moment and I want to be with similar people.

I am tired of one-sided relationships.  I love those relationships in my life where when you give to them, they give back even more and then they let you give to them again!

I am tired of people who just can’t find happiness.  It is absolutely time to be happy!

I am tired of the expectation that I will be perfect.  I am far from perfect and I want to be loved for my imperfections (well, most of them anyway!).

I am super tired of people who look outside and blame others rather than look inside at their own behavior. Yikes!

I am tired of people telling me to listen to their words.  This is especially true when their actions have no relationship to their words.  There is nothing more beautiful than someone saying they love you when they are showing it at the same time or someone saying, I’m here for you and really being there.

I am tired of my kids saying they are tired.  How can they always be so tired?  They are too tired to get the mail or do the laundry but not too tired to play Xbox.  Really?

Sometimes I just look up and say, “Thanks.”  I never get tired of that!

Have a great and restful day!

Some people are angry.  They have generations of anger.   I knew someone who was very angry.  He didn’t want to be but he would explode in angry tirades about how horrible I was, how mean and uncaring I was and that I was a terrible person and mother I was.  I tried to be compassionate but (being the imperfect person I am) I struggled with that.  It wasn’t always red-hot anger but it was always brewing there and if one wrong thing occurred, one feeling shared that he didn’t like – it was over.  Eventually, the anger was overwhelming to me and the last time I spoke with him – he spewed it at me like daggers.

Why is it so easy to get angry but so hard to control it?  I recall someone telling me that anger is a form of frustration with ourselves.  Rage is a form of unresolved internal issues.  How can someone who loves someone else fly into an uncontrolled rage?  Why are women and men abused with the abuser saying, “I love you.”  There is a disconnect there that I don’t really understand.

Most of us don’t fly to those abusive tirades.  But we do experience anger and it is important to find ways to use it to get closer to our partner, to talk about issues, to work through them, not to push them away.

I am by no means an expert other than I know that my earlier experiences with this person were not the norm. I am thankful for them (albeit painful) because it taught me to pay attention to and be compassion for others, but also to keep my boundaries (something I am not great at!).

Yesterday was the day of love.  The day when those that truly care about you, make it known in a variety of ways.  Mine was the day of Ex’s.  It started as a normal day for me – a trip to the club and coffee with my Dad (always enjoyable).  Then, I went to the office.

I am texting (as usual) as I get off the elevator and there he is … Ex #1!  This is a guy I really liked a long time ago.  It was not the right time for us and we split amicably.  I hadn’t seen him in years (thankfully, I was dressed in “lawyer clothes” for a client mtg).  We caught up briefly, confirmed our current situations, exchanged cards and agreed to meet for coffee soon.  Hmm, odd but I’ll go with it for now.

I have a normal day at the office: five fires at one time, a kid calling because he’s forgotten something at home, my real Ex. calling to talk about something that I don’t feel like talking about and another oh-so-boring lunch from home.

It’s now 2:45 and I’ve got to meet a client.  As I walk through the skyway I see him … Ex. #2.  Come on, really?  Where are all my girlfriends???  He stops (meaning I have to stop) and tells me that he was thinking of calling me as he saw my name in the paper recently.  I hesitate but exchange yet another business card. This is feeling weird and if this is the Ex’s of Years Past, why can’t I choose the ones I run into??  Now I have to sprint (no, run) the rest of the way to my client’s office.

Thankfully, my day is almost over.  I pick up kids in various locations, make dinner, clean up and meet a friend for a quick bite (gotta hit the kosher deli on Valentine’s Day!).  Then, I head to Target.

I am focused on picking up one item in the men’s department.  As I walk toward that department, I see him … Ex. #3.  Now, I’ve got a stomach ache. I might throw up. My deodorant is not working.  I try to hide in the bra department.  He comes over to “talk.”  Look, this guy didn’t take our break up very well, so the conversation was a bit painful (and will not be repeated here).  Suffice it to say, no business cards were exchanged!

Honestly, I really don’t have that many Ex’s!  Less than 10 in 50 years! So, 3 in one day was dizzying (and bizarre)! I thought VD (maybe that’s not a good use of those letters!) was for current loves not former ones!

I think Hallmark should start a new section for Ex’s.   How about this: Weird to see you. Thanks for saying I look fine.  We never had a good picture together. That must have been a sign.  Happy VD.

Maybe I’ll stick to my day job!  Here’s to NO chance encounters today!

How could I not?  I LOVE love.  To me, this holiday is not about having a partner, boyfriend, spouse (cue, me!).  This holiday is about love – love of yourself and others.  And let’s remember, love is not perfect.  Love can be messy and painful. But ultimately, love should feel wonderful and make us happy.  If your love is not doing that – then it is not real love.

I like that Valentine’s Day reminds us to appreciate someone (and Hallmark has made it easy to do just that!).  They have cards for us to give to everyone: kids, parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, pets and even co-workers (although that might result in a visit from HR).

I’ve been talking with a close friend about the difference between love and control and how some people (we know) try to decorate control as love … hoping no one will see it.  Sorry, we are smarter than that!

So, for my friend – here are my thoughts regarding our conversation on love and control:

1. Love is not trying to dominate someone.  No one is perfect and if you love someone, then you should be able to step outside yourself and care for them – selflessly – not try to control or dominate their feelings.  If you can’t, then you don’t love them — you just love yourself.

2.  Take time to look at yourself instead of wondering what is wrong with your partner.  If you can do that, you may see that your love (read – actions) are really selfish and you may not have been making an effort to be compassionate to the true needs of your partner.

3. If you are single or in an unhappy relationship – take care of yourself.  Being single is great (the expert is talking!) and it’s certainly much better than being in an unhealthy relationship.  Enjoy this time and when the time is right, the right person WILL come along.

4. True love is going to be uncomfortable because you will make sacrifices with the exclusive end of benefiting the one you care about the most … and it’s not supposed to be you!

Valentine’s Day is about showing our love to the world and the people we care about.   It’s not about the gift, the dinner or the card.  It’s about the smile, the understanding, the love.

Love is what makes us human — what makes life worth living.  Nothing else matters  – not the size of our homes, not our bank balances, not the number of Facebook friends, not whether we are in a relationship.  It is about experiencing love – from whomever is in our lives: our family, our kids and even our friends.

No matter what stage you are at – perhaps single and having a ball, in a great relationship or recovering from a broken heart – I hope you make a point of loving yourself today.  Once you do, you will be able to love those close to you and the world.   Maybe that’s a bit unHallmark of me — but whose watching??

Have a great day!

So how to do you deal with that annoying, passive-aggressive, whiny, hostile, negative or martyred person or colleague in your life?  At times in my life, difficult people have put me over the edge!  If this blog title caught your eye, you likely know what I’m talking about!

At my first law firm, there was a woman partner that was so mean – I can actually say brutally mean.  She was having an affair with the associate at my level and because I was his “competition” she did everything she could to bring me down.  In the end, I left (best thing I could have done) and I hear that she is still a b&%$#.   Sadly, I was so unsure about myself as a lawyer back then, that I let it get to me, causing me great stress and many sleepless nights.

We all have to deal with difficult or mean people in our lives. We may have a co-worker who is grumpy and antagonistic.  We have to deal with teenagers or others in our lives who may be frustrated with who they are or where they want to go.  On top of all that, we have spouses and friends (who are human) who react overly emotionally to situations.  

Over the years, I’ve developed strategies for dealing with the different types of difficult people in my life (sometimes opening a bottle of wine, sometimes running farther and faster, and sometimes just giving up and hiding!).  However, the rational – newly minted 50 year old me, understands that I need appropriate ways to deal with these people: 

1. Understand that you can’t change them. There is very little you can do to effect change in other people.  You can only hope to manage your own experience, thoughts and actions and it is almost a relief to know that it is not your job to change them.

2. Respond but don’t react.  When you react, you are accepting responsibility for their actions and thoughts.  The negative feelings are theirs and there is no reason to accept or approve of them. 

Does this sound familiar?  You’re exhausted and you can’t wait to get to sleep.  In fact, you may have already fallen asleep on the couch.  You get up and get into bed.  Then in the middle of the night you wake up and find yourself looking at a clock that says 3:00 a.m.!  Not only are you frustrated, but you have read that people who sleep less than seven hours die younger and last night and the night before you got …!

We need sleep.  At least seven hours a night.  Yet, how many articles have you read about the obsessed CEO who claims to get up at 4 AM seven days a week so that they can hit the treadmill before their 8 am morning staff meeting? Although, note how these same CEO’s embezzle and run off to a remote tropical island.  Or, what about Edison?  He claimed to sleep 4 hours a night but he once electrocuted an elephant.  I guess you can draw your own conclusions!

I know I need more sleep.  Yet, I’ve tried everything: exercise in the morning/exercise at night; no coffee; red wine; not eating at night/eating at night.  I know that when I go on vacation, I sleep more and am more relaxed but much as I would like, I can’t go on vacation every day!  And, just like most Americans, I’ve gotten so used to chronic sleep deprivation that maybe I don’t know what it feels like to feel fully alert, awake, and aware.

Google the terms “sleep and aging” and you’ll get millions of search results, a good indication of how common insomnia is among older adults.  Moreover, there’s quite a bit of talk about insomnia, women and hormones.  First they say that in your 30’s your hormones and child-bearing will cause the lack of sleep.  Then there’s perimenopause (for about 8-10 years) that will do the same thing – what the heck??  Add menopause and post-menopause (another 10+ years) and your life is over — and without the joy of much sleep!  (Don’t forget the cartoon machine that shows all the balls moving around – indicating that women have millions going at one time (causing insomnia) and men only have two!)

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to solve this problem.  It’s not like there’s someone to do the laundry and clean up the kitchen each night before I go to sleep.  Nor is there someone to pay the bills, answer my emails or help kids with homework.  So where does that leave me?  Since I like to get up by 5:30 a.m. (no comments please!), I am going to make a point of getting into bed by 10:30 at least 5 days a week.  Maybe it’s like all those habits … the more we do it, the more ingrained it becomes.  So, here’s a message to my kids: on my “early to bed” nights, the kitchen is now going to close at 10 p.m. and I am cutting all electricity off to your rooms by 10:30 … (that should help, right???).

Have a great day!

Yesterday morning I had a flight to LV for a partner meeting.  When I left for the airport it was raining and then sleeting.  The weather clearly was telling me that we were not going to have an on time departure.

At the gate it’s clear that the flight before me had not taken off.  It was late by more than an hour.  When I look toward the  jetway I see people standing behind the glass door — their faces almost pressed against the glass door.  Turns out they were passengers who tried to get off the plane but were stopped before they could get into the airport!!  That shows real guts and a complete frustration with the amount of time they sat on the plane!

Turns out the airport was shut down.  The weather was such that nothing was taking off and landing.  Once the airport reopened, every plane in the airport that was delayed was boarded.  What’s the point of that?  Clearly, no planes are going to take off without sitting on the tarmac for hours … and that’s exactly what we did  — our 11:15 flight took off at 2!

As if that wasn’t enough (and I was sitting in the middle seat!), when they finally come to give us our drinks, I am offered one bag of peanuts.  I was starving and had eaten the only crushed and old food I could find in my purse (don’t ask). Could they not find a way to give us a bit more food … maybe two bags?!

In any case, I get that there is snow.  I get that we have to de-ice.  I appreciate the safety of it all.  But, could they let me hang by my Starbucks and snack stores, reading the magazines that I will never admit to reading, until it really is time to leave?  Now, that would make me a happy traveler!  Apparently not.

Hope you all have a great day!

I dance in the car, in the kitchen, when the music is playing during the credits of a movie, etc. (all an embarrassment to my children).  So, here are some of my favorite song quotes of all time (hopefully my age has not cut most of you out from knowing these quotes!):

All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. – The Beatles, All You Need Is Love

Before you accuse me take a look at yourself.  Bo Diddley; Creedance Clearwater Revival; Eric Clapton, Before You Accuse Me

Don’t ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. – Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well

Even the genius asks questions.  2 Pac, Me Against The World

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. Semisonic, Closing Time

Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters, too.   John Mayer, Daughters

Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart.   Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

I don’t need no money, fortune, or fame. I got all the riches baby, one man can claim.  The Temptations, My Girl

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.   The Beatles, The End

If you smile at me I will understand, cause that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language.  Crosby, Stills, and Nash; Jefferson Airplane, Wooden Ships

It seems to me, sorry seems to be the hardest word.   Elton John, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Love when you can, cry when you have to, be who you must, that’s a part of the plan. Await your arrival with simple survival, and one day we’ll all understand.   Dan Fogelberg, Part Of The Plan

Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on.   The Beatles, Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea. All we do, crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see, dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.   Kansas, Dust In The Wind

Since my baby left me, I’ve found a new place to dwell, down at the end of Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel.  Elvis Presley, Heartbreak Hotel

War is not the answer, because only love can conquer hate. – Marvin Gaye, What’s Going On

What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there is just too little of.  Jackie Del Shannon; Dionne Warwick, What The World Needs Now Is Love

Sing a song today!

Yes, the ever popular topic of our habits, patterns and fear.  Some good, some neutral and some we would rather not mention.  The good habits really don’t need much analyzing.  Enjoy and appreciate them.  It’s the habits and patterns that arise out of our fear that are problematic.

Any activity will become a pattern or a habit if we repeat it often enough. For example, driving a car: at first all we could do was clutch the wheel and look forward.  Eventually we can drive, listen to the radio, talk with out kids and think about life.

This is true for emotional habit and patterns.  Once we have them, they are so ingrained, that they run, consciously and unconsciously – in the background of our lives, like those tapes I’ve been talking about.  Various programs (or people) launch these tapes and cause us to act, sometimes in not so great ways.

I think that many of these habits patterns are laid down as a result of fears from our childhood.  These are things happen to us as kids that we quietly carry with us as adults.   Often they are perceptions of ourselves that become embedded in beliefs. The belief becomes a story that we play on those tapes, over and over again.  Before we know it these perceptions become our truths.

The biggest of all fears, that becomes a truth, is that we are not good enough, not worth enough of being loved.

This story, that we are not worthy of love, is just that, a story and yet it influences all aspects of our life.  We become on guard.  Scanning the horizon for evidence to support those tapes, to support our “truth.”  Think of the times (I have many of them!), where we react instantly to some comment or action against us that starts the tape playing, preventing us from hearing or experiencing the moment.   Sometimes, it results in us blowing up at someone in a hurtful way, as if we were a young child.  When we come to our senses we ask ourselves, “what is the matter with me?”

Then, comes our regret.

How can we break this habit and pattern?  Become aware. Someone one once wrote that a fear is like the dark, it “disappears once you turn the light on, although sometimes we need to keep turning the light on!”  We are not perfect and our habits, patterns and fears are part of our imperfections.  But if we embrace them, look at them and turn the light on (even if multiple times!), we can start letting them go – for the benefit of ourselves and those who love us.

So, choose to become aware of your fears (it’s your responsibility), do the work to make the change, allow for mistakes and then continue your efforts. Eventually, your fears will end and the desired perception will become the new default tape.  The one that you CAN play over and over again.

Have a wonderful day!