Some people are angry. They have generations of anger. I knew someone who was very angry. He didn’t want to be but he would explode in angry tirades about how horrible I was, how mean and uncaring I was and that I was a terrible person and mother I was. I tried to be compassionate but (being the imperfect person I am) I struggled with that. It wasn’t always red-hot anger but it was always brewing there and if one wrong thing occurred, one feeling shared that he didn’t like – it was over. Eventually, the anger was overwhelming to me and the last time I spoke with him – he spewed it at me like daggers.
Why is it so easy to get angry but so hard to control it? I recall someone telling me that anger is a form of frustration with ourselves. Rage is a form of unresolved internal issues. How can someone who loves someone else fly into an uncontrolled rage? Why are women and men abused with the abuser saying, “I love you.” There is a disconnect there that I don’t really understand.
Most of us don’t fly to those abusive tirades. But we do experience anger and it is important to find ways to use it to get closer to our partner, to talk about issues, to work through them, not to push them away.
I am by no means an expert other than I know that my earlier experiences with this person were not the norm. I am thankful for them (albeit painful) because it taught me to pay attention to and be compassion for others, but also to keep my boundaries (something I am not great at!).
There are a few ground rules about anger: First, it is important to avoid using words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. It might make you feel better but there is no “never” or “always.” Second, don’t humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Getting angry won’t fix anything, it won’t make you feel better and may actually make you feel worse.
Third, angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we can get hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them. That sets us up for failure.
So, it’s important to look at what you are feeling at that moment of anger and ask yourself the question: Is it me? Are my demands unrealistic? Am I playing old tapes? I am misinterpreting the situation? Or, is this a call to talk with and solve a problem with someone. Maybe that’s the first step. The next is pure compassion and love. Now that takes work (but it’s good work!!).
Have a great day!
theyearof50 