I am steeped in conflict most of every work day. And, I accept it in my work life. In fact, I sometimes enjoy it. But in my personal life … I don’t like it at all. I not only don’t like it, I am terrible at dealing with it … hence my beautiful and comfortable (yet dysfunctional) cave.
Whether we like it or not, conflict occurs in every relationship — with our kids, at work and with our partners. Sometimes we get stuck in situations where the conflict seems too difficult to manage so we just walk away. My modus operandi is sometimes to think (hope) that an ignored issue will go away. How could I be any more wrong???
Ignoring an issue does not mean that it has gone away. Rather, the opposite occurs … it never goes away. Instead, it comes back sideways, spinning out of control and causing harm to our partner and our relationship. However, I am a firm believer in repair – so I love the idea of working these things out! (Of course, there are times when the conflict is too serious and just can’t be resolved).
Disagreements can bring out the issues that you might be aware of and more importantly issues that you were in blissfully ignorant of. Conflict is a great opportunity to learn and grow. It is an opportunity to listen to your partner’s issues, acknowledge them and work through them with love, not fear. Maybe some of you have some difficulty with this, as I do … however, I am not pointing fingers at anyone but myself!
I’ve identified some ideas for me (maybe some of you too) to help do a better job at dealing with conflict:
1. Ask questions: Sometimes conflict comes from misunderstandings and miscommunications. Know what you are facing before you tackle it.
2. Listen for the expectations: Conflict can arise when someone’s expectations are not met or not understood.
3. Identify the miscommunications: Miscommunications often arises when people having different perceptions – where you or the other person saw things differently. But, in this step also watch for #4.
4. Avoid blame: Nothing will kill an attempt to resolve conflict more than one person blaming the other.
5. Watch for the emotional triggers: They are hidden landmines which will mask the real issues. This is the vulnerability piece that must be watched very carefully and lovingly.
6. Stay calm: This is not a time for angry outbursts or name calling. It will just escalate the conflict and cause more damage.
6. Commit to working it out: There is nothing more comforting than your partner saying – “Look honey, we can work anything out together.”
I know that there are those times when you just can’t work it out and a change is necessary. But there is almost always a way to work conflicts out with love and commitment.
Have a wonderful day!
theyearof50 