Monthly Archives: January 2013

Some of you know that I will often start writing this blog in the evening and finish it in the morning. I usually have something that’s happened to me or something on my mind. I had that plan for today. I began writing today’s post last night and was going to finish it just now (it’s 4:00 am as I write this). I decided to check my email first (read addiction) and I see an email from a very important person in my life … the heading: Blogging and Love. “Well now,” I say to myself, “that sounds interesting!”

I won’t go into the details (that’s for another year of blogging!) but let me remind you (and me) of something critical in life and love – the key to a deep personal and long-lasting relationship is a feeling, no, really a commitment to the idea that we are connected to something bigger than ourselves.

We forget how attached we are to our fears, our childhood and our insecurities. Being in a healthy relationship with someone requires us to step outside of our “self-centered” world-view. The relationship should force us to “let go” and move beyond ourselves, again and again and again.

The love letter did just that. It was about the willingness to be kind, open (flexible), to learn from one another, to catch each other when we become caught in our “selves” and to laugh about it. It was him stepping back, looking at me and seeing me for the person that I don’t often see in myself. And, he had to do it by stepping away from his own needs and desires.

While it is critical to put it into words (and those words were beautiful), it is even harder to actually do it … yet, we must all have faith that our actions and words match (most of the time!). And that, my friends, it’s the key to true (internal and external) honesty … matching words and actions.

Love, the relationship, us, soul mate, whatever you call it … it is the experience of seeing the “me” as smaller, much smaller, than the “us.” Yes, we are interconnected but from that very human relationship, that very human view of “me,” will emerge something that will transcend the “us.”

When we stop, step out and listen and watch the people in our lives, we can see how extraordinary they are and their purpose in our lives. Life is not perfect. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen anything perfect (other than that moment after our child is born … ), but rather than perfection, we can strive to give love and compassion every day. Thank you to my friend, for giving that to me today. I must tell you, it was a feeling so powerful that I can’t describe it.

True love and compassion requires us to walk away from anger, hurt, the past and see with clear eyes. It is necessary for life and love.

Please have a wonderful day.

Dear Kids,

I often wonder if you think of us like we thought of our parents.  You probably do.  My parents loved me but they didn’t say it much (or I didn’t hear it!).  We want you to know how much we love you.  Our love for you is so amazing and so deep that we can’t put words to it.

I have a feeling that if we asked you if you feel truly loved, you might say “Sure, my mom [dad] loves me but … ”   While that might give us pause, I hope it will force us to step back and ask, “Can we show you our love in a better way?”   Whether you become a mom or a dad, a step-parent or an adoptive parent, you will someday understand that the bond between a parent and child is the most incredible and awesome feeling.

Sometimes we are not fully present for you.  We are filled with the days activities, what’s happening at home, things in your life, things in our life, etc.   You will hear our frustration and sometimes anger with you about homework, doing chores and the choices you make.  Please don’t think for a minute that changes our love for you.

As awkward as these things are, here are some ways that we show you our love:

1. We will write you notes and send text messages: When we do those things, see it as  our way of connecting with you.  Try to respond – even if it’s just an emoticon!

2. We will hug you — please let us:  Hugging you reminds us of the days when you were little and you would hang on our necks and give us big wet kisses!  I know it feels awkward but try to put up with it or at least pretend it’s ok!

3. Let us brag about you:  We are so proud of all you do that we just want to tell the world how cool and wonderful you are.  Try to keep the eye-rolling down when we put your pictures on FB and know that it’s all about how proud we are!

4. We will try to talk with you: We long to be included in your life.  And, as you get older you will want to move apart from us.  Try to keep us posted a little bit.  You have no idea how good it feels when you share your thoughts with us.

5. We will try to include you in decisions: We sometimes forget that it is important to include you decisions and we will do a better job … maybe you can include us in some of yours too!

I could say so much about this thing called being a parent.  It is the best and most difficult job of our lives.  We may bitch and complain (and say we need a vacation!) but the truth is – we love every minute of it!

Have a fantastic day!

Love (your parents) mom.

As you know, I am in love with love.  We all need to be loved and need to experience companionship, respect, caring, trusting, admiration, appreciation and much more.  The truth is, we are not emotionally mature enough to get this from ourselves so we seek it from the outside – this is, of course, normal.

My question is how does compassion fit in?  Could it be greater than love?  Isn’t compassion really the essence of love?

I believe that in order to show love, we must show compassion.  Compassion makes us sensitive to the individuality and vulnerabilities of our loved ones.  It makes us appreciate and embrace those that are different from us.  It forces us to be aware of fear and shame, all of which leads to different behaviors in different people and allows us to feel compassion and empathy for their hurt feelings.

Compassion requires connectedness.  In order to be connected we must first understand that it is virtually impossible to avoid vulnerabilities in a relationship (even with our kids).  We must not only recognize our own fear and shame but also be sensitive to our partner or child’s fears.  This can can be very difficult because vulnerabilities are often expressed as anger, criticism or blame.

So, what does this say to us?  It says that we must be at our most compassionate, empathetic and loving when we feel the least like it!

Difficulties often arise in relationships when one person has more empathy and compassion than the other, especially during a disagreement. If one person is able to maintain his/her compassion even when angry or upset, but the other person shuts down his/her empathy and compassion when angry, this will create an imbalance in the relationship (again, think about this with your kids).  In the end, the one who accessed his/her compassion may end up feeling abused by the disagreement.  The trick is to find ways for both people to stay open to compassion, for themselves and others, even when angry or upset – at a time when those feelings usually go out the window!

If compassion is an essential element of love, how do we develop compassion?    We must understand that compassion comes from empathy and we must practice it every day.  At those critical moments, when someone is upset or angry, we must say to ourselves: My child/partner/friend is just trying to learn about life, is experiencing fear and sadness just like me and is seeking happiness just like me, so how can I help?  The key to this is to act on these statements when we too feel threatened, fearful or resentful.

True compassion and love is not when it is easy to do, it’s when it is most difficult.

Try practicing this today.  Maybe just for one disagreement.  See how it works?  Let me know.  This is and always will be a work in process.

Have a great day!

So, everything seems on track.  I’ve gotten myself up at 4, got everything ready, the blog posted, laundry sorted, muffins made for when the kids get up, the schedule taped to the fridge and I’m off to the airport.  It’s now 5:25 and I am in good shape for my 7:10 flight.  On my way a friend calls. We talk all the way to the airport and we eventually get off the phone as I get to the security line.  I get all the way up to the scanning machine and it hits me … I didn’t lock my car!  Shoot.  It ask 4 or 5 security guards if they think I should leave the airport and lock my car, when the last guard says: “Look  Ma’am,” (when did I get to be Ma’am?) “You can either miss your flight and go lock it or enjoy your trip and if someone cleans out your car, at least they might take some of the junk with them!”  Well, said.  So, I move on toward the gate.

I get on the plane.  Next to me (there are two seats on my side of the row, and I have the aisle), is someone who really needs two seats.  Now, granted I am small but I don’t want to give up my personal space for three hours!  My “neighbor” proceeds to ask me if he can raise the arm rest (because it must be hurting him) and I am thinking I need a cocktail (it’s 7:30 a.m.!).  A look of fear must have come across my face, which triggered the alarm for the flight attendant because before I knew it she was offering him another seat  — just across from me.  Thank you Ms. Flight Attendant!!!

I’m beginning to feel better and I fire up my lap top.  Then, it happens.  Someone has gas.  I mean really bad gas.  To the point where I have to turn my overhead fans (both of them) on my face.  I have a stomach ache.  It’s him.  I see him looking at me every time “it happens” just like my kids used to do when they were younger (well, the boys still do it sometimes!).  I try to put a good spin on this one … he could be sitting right next to me.  I look away and tell myself … I can do anything for 2.5 hours.

The rest of my trip was uneventful, the weather is warm and the outdoor pool (overlooking the ocean) is even warmer.  However, don’t think I am resting on my laurels.  I’ve got a bit of soul-searching and writing to do and that is my focus these next few days.

Meanwhile, I hope you all avoid such early vacation chaos on your next trip.  Truth is, I have no place to go but up!  Have a great day!

By the time you read this I will be on an airplane taking a much-needed four days away (short but warm!).  I used to travel alone quite a bit and loved it.  I gave it up for a period of time, as I had young children and after that I often traveled with a friend.   I am back to solo travel and I have a feeling this may become a new love of mine!

Here are my top 10 reasons for moms to take trips alone:

1. If you don’t make time for yourself no one else will (unless your amazing spouse makes it a possibility … spouses, take note!).

2. Getting away will allow you time to think and have some space from the stressors of your life (we all have them and if you don’t you shouldn’t be reading this blog!).

3. Being away will show your family how much you really do for them each day (one can only hope!).

4. It’s nice to go to the bathroom with the door wide open.

5. You will not have to load the dishwasher 7 times per day nor will you have to do laundry (until you come home to the mounds that should have been done while you were gone!).

6. You can do what you want, when you want and how you want … this will make you feel like a movie/rock/sports star.

7. You can eat at a restaurant and read a book without feeling the least bit rude.  You can also eat without having to talk with anyone but the waitress.

8. You will meet the most interesting people (and likely people you wouldn’t talk with if you were with a companion).

9. You can eat at the most expensive restaurant and you will only have one (not 4) mouths to feed. Plus, you can eat whatever you want and not have to be a role-model.

10. You can sleep until noon (or go to bed at noon … just as good)!

Hey moms, once you go on a solo vacation (even just a short one) you will be hooked and ready to go on your next trip immediately (I’m already planning!).  I hope you all have a wonderful start to your week!

To my kids: Welcome back to school!  Love ya!

Busy Mom. Sound redundant?  Recently a friend said that I do too much. “You don’t have time to smell the roses and you don’t take time for yourself?” There are roses to be smelled? Time for myself? Maybe he’s right, but as he was talking my thoughts went to how my being busy might be affecting my children.

Busy moms balance the world on their shoulders while juggling children, jobs (paid and volunteer), homes, significant others, health, family … Yet, we are also supposed to take care of ourselves physically and mentally AND do it in a way that it doesn’t interfere with the 10,000 other things we are supposed to be doing.

Many busy moms struggle to find the balance between being a “super mom” and nurturing themselves.  The trick is to be happy with being a “good” mother.  Good mothers accept that they make mistakes and can’t deliver 100% to everyone.  They understand that they are doing the best they can with what they have on that particular day.

I am just starting a book called “Unglued.”  I am enjoying the part of the book about accepting who we are and finding ways to balance our lives and our emotions (FYI – it has a religious base – which is not my focus but may be yours).

Who hasn’t come “unglued” with their kids?  It happened to me this weekend  – at a time when I was trying to do 10 things at once (that’s when it always happens).  Afterwards, I went to my son and apologized.  He immediately apologized for his actions and then told me he loved me.  How lucky am I?

I accept – no, I embrace being busy.  However, as the mother of teens, I know they are at a critical age, looking for guidance and in need of some limits.  So, I’ve tried to make an effort to ensure that I stay connected with my kids even with my (our) busy life:

1. Although my kids are eating two dinners each evening (well, the boys anyway) and they are in sports, I make a point of having at least three nights were I get everyone to the table. It may just be for a late night snack but its fun and phones, music and books are not allowed at this time.

2. Every week we have a night (usually Friday night) where we order Chinese food, watch a movie (or a game), eat popcorn and just chill together. Finding a movie that we all like does cause some bloodshed, but so far so good.

3. We laugh. We have a lot of funny things that happen in our house and we make a point of laughing together. In that same vein, we reminisce together as well. Which allows us to relive fun times from the past.

I’m not promising to smell all the roses just yet.  However, I am going to work at being less than 100% and taking some time for myself.  I hope you do too!

My kids get two weeks off from school and they think it’s a vacation.  Well, it’s a vacation to them.  It’s not always a vacation to me.  Let me just list for you the things that change during these so-called vacations:

1. Paper towels/toilet paper/tissue usage:  I thought as they got older, there would be less cleaning up to do.  I was wrong!  Plus, how much toilet paper can one kid use?  Geeze!

2. Garbage bags: Same as above. Where did all this stuff come from?

3. Electrical bill: I have to believe that my electrical bill goes up on holidays.  The TV is on so much that I hear it even when it is off!  Lights are left on.  Chargers are plugged in and charging phones, iPods and the like.

4. Food: OMG.  It is cheaper for me to pay school tuition then to feed these guys everyday!  You have no idea how much food is going in and out of my house each and every hour of each and every day.

5. Driving: Why can’t they coordinate where they want to go and when?  I’ve, obviously, increased my gas (and personal alcohol) usage as well!

6. Laundry:  I can’t even talk about the amount of laundry.  I have a stomach ache.

7. Phone calls: Even when I do get into the office, I just keep getting phone calls.  “Where is ____?”  “Can you drive me to _____?”  What the heck?  Can’t the TV entertain them when I am gone (see 3 above)?

8. Junk everywhere:  What happened to loading their dishes in the dishwasher or picking up their games, news papers, magazines, etc.?  Why do they seem cleaner during the school year?  Oh, I know … because they are not here!

9. I can’t find my _____: Let me tell you how many things have been lost in the last two weeks: a new GB Packer hat (lost after one day), a phone charger, a phone (not the same one as the phone charger), i Tunes cards, clothes, etc., etc.  Maybe this is why # 2 is such an issue!

10. More relaxing fun:  I do think there is something nice about getting up in the morning and not having to rush to school.  We have a homemade breakfast almost every morning and I don’t have to yell once about staying on task and getting ready for school.  I also get a lot of time with the kids, which I do love.

I know someday I will long for these days, and I did love them for the first  week and 1/2, but I think it is time to give them back to those loving teachers.  Today is the last regular day of break and while they are a bit melancholy, I think I can relieve that with a fun lunch downtown and a movie (or two)!

Have a great start to your weekend.

I ran into an old friend from college yesterday. It was someone I had dated well before I went to law school, before I met my ex and had kids. I was a different person back then (and much younger!) – at least I think I was!

He had married someone from college (I married someone from law school), had kids and then got divorced. We decided to get a quick cup of coffee and to catch up. We spent most of the time laughing about the differences in our “personalities” since college. Back then I was quiet, now I am a litigator. I was a carnivore, now I don’t eat meat. I hated running (was always last), now I love running (and I still am last). I was a serious liberal, now I have a small (oh so small) conservative streak.  I was heavier and taller back then (a function of less stress and more aging!).

We spent even more time talking about our relationships and our roles in the ending of our marriages. Interestingly, one of the main issues in our respective marriages was the same: not embracing the traits of the person we had married.  I commented that although we all start out looking for perfection, we eventually find that what we fall in love with are the flaws of the person. In fact, sometimes we love people because of their flaws!

We all need security and security is hard to come by when you are with someone who feels it is necessary to focus on pointing our your flaws rather than embracing them (or not looking at their own flaws!).  There are many movies that explore the meaning of loving someone for their flaws and finding a soul mate who is perfect, not for everyone else, but for you (I have a friend with a knack for finding those movies!).

Let me say this, (and I didn’t need this coffee experience to figure this out) I was far from perfect when I was dating this guy, I was not perfect in my marriage and I am far from perfect now.  I can only hope that my partner will embrace my flaws (and that your partner will embrace yours) and that we can appreciate their flaws as well!

In other words, we really need to love people for their imperfections rather than use them as an excuse for something else.  As usual, I think this holds true for all relationships.

Man, pretty deep for a quick cup of coffee.  How thankful I am that someone (?) continues to put people in my life to help me see, grow and learn. Chance encounters are sometimes the most incredible kind and I seem to happen upon them quite frequently.

Hope you have a chance encounter today!

Yes, in its most literal sense, football is just a game.  Even me, a rabid fan for my two teams (college and pro) has to admit that football adds up to no more than 22 people running around in pursuit of a little brown object, while a lot of people scream and drink beer.  No diseases have ever been cured by a touchdown.  No one is allowed sick days because their team lost.  No one has died due to the missing of a field goal (other than maybe the kicker).  So, to be cold and rational, football is nothing more or nothing less than a game.  But who wants to be cold and rational? Truth is, a football game can break my heart or make my day.

If football is just a bunch of guys running and shoving one another then I would have to argue the following; (1) that a movie is just some overpaid people reciting lines with some nice scenery; or (2) that music would really just be cords played in different orders with people “singing” words to the cords; or (3) that opera would be depressing cords and (often) overweight people killing one another while singing.   But, I don’t let my rational mind tear apart music, movies or the opera … so I won’t do it to football!

Hey, did you know there is a Facebook page called, “Football is not just a game, it’s a religion”?  I just found it yesterday.  It has almost 55,000 followers (I’m not one of them).  See, I’m not the only one with this obsession!

In my sports-obsessed mind, football is more than just a game — it’s an expression of teamwork, balance and focus – just like life.  In my rational mind, football is just a game – proof of which is even though my team lost yesterday, I was able to get out of bed today, have breakfast, write today’s blog and go to 6 am yoga.  Admittedly, someone else’s team beat mine so at least some people are happy today!  I guess life will continue on until NCAA football comes back again next year.

Have a great day!