Monthly Archives: January 2013

Last night the kids and I watched Hitch, with Eva Mendes and Will Smith.  We’ve  seen it a million times and love it!  It is about how difficult it is to interact with the opposite sex, fall in love and make it work.  And, even if you put all your efforts into avoiding missteps to your relationships, unintentional issues can occur.  This is the nature of relationships.  Yet, there are “tricks” or “rules” of relationships, some of which we got from the movie last night:

1. Be supportive:  While your partner/friend may know that you are in his/her camp, it is important to say and do things that let them know you support their endeavors.

2. Talk:  It is easy to push issues aside “for another day.” But, it is almost never wise to do so.   I am conflict adverse in my personal life so I am really good at NOT talking.  This is NOT my greatest trait.

3. Expect your relationship to change:  Nothing stays the same, not even relationships.  As long as you embrace these changes, rather than try to stop them, your relationship will continue to grow.

4. Do things for them: I’ve said this before … It’s the small things (notes, making coffee, sending texts) that bring the great return of love.

5. Say it:  Wear out the words, “I love you.”

6. Treat them as you want to be treated: Pretty easy to understand.

7. Choose your battles:  You won’t want to argue about every little thing so choose the issues you want to deal with and address them positively.

9. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable: Being vulnerable allows you to truly express your feelings and allows you to admit mistakes.  Being vulnerable means that you are honest about yourself and your past … as difficult as that might be.

9. Maintain intimacy:  In whatever form works for you (assuming it is legal!).  A friend once told me that he and his wife make a point of 3-4 long weekends away, each year.  No kids.  Usually taking a plane somewhere.  He mused that it was these times that filled the “bank” and keep the marriage fresh.  Love that idea!

10. Live in the moment: We lived in the moment last night … laughing, eating popcorn and talking about how something that should be so easy can be so difficult.  This is true for any relationship but particularly true for those where you are willing to open yourself up and let someone in.  Our kids will learn this from us … let’s be good role models.

Stay warm today!

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I had the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time with my friends, kids (some not my own!) and family these last few days.  I decided I was going to spend more time listening as opposed to chatting or entertaining.  I learned so much!

Do you ever find yourself mindlessly saying “uh huh” when someone is trying to tell you something only to have to say, “I’m sorry what did you say?”  Or, have you been in a conversation with someone and you are not really listening completely to what they are saying because you are formulating your own response?  Do you reflexively pick up your phone to start playing a game or checking email because you are checking out of a conversation?

In order to communicate effectively and be a participant in any conversation (which is they way we should be) we must hear what the other person is saying and remain present.  Not just hear what they are saying because the acoustics are good or because the other person is speaking loudly enough we must hear by actively listening (which includes focus – not multitasking).

This is critically important with our partners but also with our children.  We want the people in our lives to be healthy and safe, but we also want them to be happy.  Yet, sometimes our desire for them to be happy gets in the way of our really listening.

I know that sometimes I put in my emotional earplugs when my child is directing their frustration at me.  Yet, what I should be doing at that moment is listening.  This is the never-ending battle of we’re not listening to them and they’re not listening to us.  When we react first and listen second we judge rather than understand, which will prevent us from hearing the feelings and emotions behind the words.

My son and I had the most wonderful conversation the other day.  It started out tough – with me setting some boundaries.  Then, I noticed that we both were being defensive and not listening to one another.  So, I asked him how he would you solve the issue we were discussing.  He looked at me with this shocked expression and then went on to give me a fantastic solution that even I had not thought of! What made me think for one moment that I had better ideas than he did??!!  Clearly I need to listen more than talk.

The French writer and philosopher Voltaire once said, “The road to the heart is the ear.”  After that conversation with him – and many others since that point – I have learned how to ask questions and listen, really listen, to the response.  There is nothing better than the connection of total listening and understanding of one another – particularly with our children.

Have a wonderful (and stay warm) day!

Joke: Scene – Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health:

The first lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Yes.  That’s me.  I’m having issues and I’ve decided that I have developed CRS, aka… Can’t Remember S#*t.   It’s a problem.  If my assistant didn’t call me by name or my kids weren’t calling me mom 15 times per day, I don’t know if I would even remember who I was.

People used to tell me that with each progressive child, my memory would fade a bit (maybe we should say “thank you” for that one!).  And here I am … three teens and I’m 50 … the double whammy!  I can’t tell you how many times I walk from one room to the next to get something only to have forgotten what I went to get.  I literally find myself going back to where I started to see if it will jog my memory. Recently, it was so bad that I forgot the name of my quarterback — Aaron Rogers.  Who forgets Aaron Rogers?????

Two days ago, I put the butter in the cupboard and the oatmeal in the fridge.  Yesterday, I found the frozen waffles (not so frozen anymore) in the recycling!  I must have thought that the FULL box of waffles should be recycled.  I remember (I can remember a few things) last year when I was implementing a “consequence” one of the boys and he said to me, “that’s fine because you don’t have any short-term memory so you’ll forget anyway.”    He was right but once he reminded me … I made sure not to forget!!!  Sorry kid, it doesn’t pay to be honest all the time!

Not much we can do about CRS.  I usually laugh it off, pawn it off to menopause (sorry guys) or just apologize for not having all my synapses firing at the same time.  Whatever it is, I know that some of you are hanging right there with me, which would give me some comfort if I could remember who you are!

Have a wonderful Saturday!

It’s no secret that I am 50, but when did I become old?  People used to say to me, “You don’t look your age,” or “I thought you were younger than me.”   Now they say,”You look good, for your age.”  What does that mean?  Does it mean that at my advanced age, I look good?  Does it mean, I look better than most 50 year olds?

And, check out that comma after good!  It puts the tag on “for your age.”  Who wants a tag?  It’s like the “but” in an apology.  Do men get tags?  I hear men say to other men, “You look great!”  Not, “Hey man, you look good, for your age.” See what I mean?

I do get this compliment from people my own age, but I seem to get it more from people who are younger than me.  Do they think as you get older you can’t just look good?  Moreover, what happens when people stop saying  I look good for my age.  What are they going to say … “Wow, you look your age.”  Or, “You don’t look bad for your age.”  What’s next??

So, I ask again, when did I get older?  I know that I have a few gray hairs on my head (the ones I can’t reach with my tweezers).  I do see a few crows feet and maybe my skin is a bit more saggy (I pawn it off to my lighter frame rather than my age!).  Yet, the most telling sign (and maybe the most frightening) was when I saw a few “wrinkles” on my knees!  Where did they come from? Why didn’t anyone tell me that was going to happen?  Who is writing this book anyway?

I guess I will have to settle for the comma and the tag for now.  But, whether I am fooling myself or not, when I looked in the mirror this morning, I was sure I saw a 45 year-old woman!  Life moves forward despite ourselves.  Let’s enjoy the ride!

Have a great start to your weekend!

Last December I left a firm that I loved (and was managing) to move to a downtown firm.  There were many reasons for this life change – some good and some difficult.  Yesterday I ran into some people from my old firm.

One of the women (someone I helped and supported when she arrived at the firm) clearly still held some kind of grudge against me.  I hugged her right away when I saw her (ok – I just can’t help myself with the hugging thing!) and I noticed how quickly she moved away.  She never once made eye contact in the five minutes of our conversation.  It made me feel sad.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of someone else. Our parents may criticize our parenting skills, a colleague can walk out on a project or a partner can breach our trust.  These wounds often leave us feeling angry and bitter.  But as I was watching her, I realized that she was the one paying the price for not forgiving me.  This is true for every grudge-related issue – the one who holds the grudge will always be the one to suffer.

Ego plays a large part in forgiveness.  It is really difficult to put one’s own feelings aside and forgive someone who has hurt us.  It is easy to feed our anger: “How could that person do THAT to me?”  Or, “Why should you forgive her after what she’s done?”  We allow those tapes to play and fill up that empty space called anger.  Anger is the wrong source of energy and is the opposite of forgiveness.

To forgive someone requires effort and a lot of emotional energy.  We must have patience and compassion.  One of my partners from my old firm has not spoken to me since I left.  Recently, I found a reason to send him an email.  He almost immediately responded – in a very nice way.  It’s the first response I’ve received from him in a year.  Maybe enough time had passed and my patience was rewarded.

Frankly, I think holding grudges takes more energy than forgiveness.  I am amazed at how a friend’s ex still refuses to acknowledge him — 10 years later.  I have confidence that his love and patience will pay off someday but it’s a pretty long payoff!   It requires the use of a lot of energy to hold anger for that long.  I recall that same feeling when I was getting divorced, but thankfully we quickly realized how unproductive and harmful a grudge (and the anger that feeds the grudge) could be on our children.

So, when leaving my former colleague yesterday, I smiled, touched her arm and told her that it was great to see her.  Maybe someday I’ll get the same thing back. I’ll be waiting.

Have a wonderful day!

I ran into a friend yesterday – he’s a single parent too.  He’s got three kids and has them half-time.  He’s got a full-time job and a dog.  Whew!  I know what’s on his plate and suggested we order some stiff drinks!  We joked about getting the same question all the time, “How do you do it,” our friends ask with that look of pity and amazement.  We single parents often have the same response … “We just do it.”  What else is there to say???

There’s no question that being a single parent poses financial and other hardships.  And, I never thought my kids would graduate from high school and I would still be single parenting (looking that way at this point, huh?!).  But, there are some very nice positives to our situation:

1. You get to make all of the decisions: As a single parent, you don’t have to compromise with your partner. You decide what you are having for dinner, if you are going out, how to decorate your house and you can leave your clothes on the floor of your room (and take up the whole closet)!  Plus, I don’t have to wear anything fancy to bed!

2. You do get a few breaks: For many single parents, the kids go visit the ex from time to time.  At first I thought I might die when they left … now I (gently) shove them out the door (with a smile of course!)

3. You get great bonding time with your kids:  As a single parent, we get a lot of alone driving time with our kids and we have more flexibility regarding playing a long game of cards, etc.  I get to talk with them every night and every morning with no interruptions.

4. I like my ex:  There is no question that it is a better scenario (if you can’t stay married) to remain friends with your ex and his/her family.  Awkward at times — sure.  Interesting — very.

5. The kids have more opportunities to develop responsibility: I can see that my children feel more like partners in our household than “kids.”  They have more opportunities to contribute their opinions and participate.

6.  I can spend money on what I want:  No explanation necessary.

7. I have become more resilient:  There is no one to rely on but me.  I have had to learn to solve problems quickly and think on my feet.  In turn, my kids have watched this and have become more self-sufficient.

Most of us don’t go into a marriage thinking we are going to end up as single parents.  Every household has its “issues” and we must make the best of what we have and where we’re at.  Maybe someday my situation will change but for the time being, I love and embrace our “spot.”  That is the key to happiness – looking at and enjoying where you are now … today!

Have a wonderful day!

“I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I’m sorry I did it.” (Calvin)
“Maybe you should apologize to her.” (Hobbes)
“I keep hoping there’s a less obvious solution.” (Calvin)

Calvin and Hobbes, February 1986

After “Please” and “Thank You,” “Sorry” must be the most powerful (and hardest) word to say and to act on.  I agree with the notion that apologies are like the superglue of a relationship — when heartfelt, an apology can repair almost anything!

I recall reading a book over and over to my kids when they were younger, “I Am Sorry,”  where the kid kept making mistakes. Sure, he kept apologizing to his mother but eventually the mom reminded him that sometimes it is not enough to say you are sorry – you must also change your behavior.

Lately, I’ve noticed that some “sorry” statements are really just ways to push the blame on others.  They are words (not even great ones) with no actions behind them.  Let me give you two examples from my own life recently:

“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

Do you notice a difference?  The former is a real admission that someone did something wrong and they want to take responsibility for it. The latter is really just blaming – as if it was another person’s fault that their feelings were hurt.

When apologizing (regardless of to whom) I try (try is the operative word here) to follow a few “rules:”

Make sure you really mean it.  The worst apologies are those that have no meaning – where the other person can say, “Sorry for what?”  Try to be ready to mean it and back it up.

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings.  This is one of the main points of a true apology – acknowledge their feelings – this is not a time to express your frustration about their behavior.

Never use the word “but” in your apology. You are not apologizing when you include “but” in your apology.  It totally negates the words and feelings.

Don’t ask if the other person is angry with you. An apology should be about you acknowledging what you’ve done to hurt someone’s feelings, not because someone is mad at you.

Always apologize right away. If it is for something small, say it right away. If it is for a larger issue, take time to meet and discuss your apology.

Make the change.  Nothing is worse than an apology followed by the same offending actions.  It will eventually erode the person’s trust in your words.  This is critical.

Ask for acceptance of your apology. If they are not willing to accept your apology and forgive you, then you’ve got more work to do.

The wonderful thing about apologies – if they are sincere, you really only need three words – I am sorry.

Have a wonderful day!

On Saturday I decided to hit a yoga class at 1:00.  A busy time of the day but I got there 20 minutes early … thinking that would be sufficient.  It was, sort of.  The class space was already 3/4 full.  I was meeting my running partner and wanted to save a space for her as we had no idea this would be so busy.  By the time she got there, it was packed with two minutes before class starts.  We squeeze her in next to me and we are good to go.  I decide to dedicate my practice to focus.

About 20 minutes into the class a woman walks in.  I am fairly close to the door so I can feel the cold air fill my space as the door opens.  Before I know it, she has put her mat just behind mine.  In fact, it is so close that her mat is touching (actually about 2 inches under) my mat!

Now, let me admit that I am a bit territorial about my mat.  I know that all I need is the space of my mat but I like to have some personal space around me.  Not a lot but I don’t want my mat touching someone else’s and visa versa.

I begin to lose my focus.  We do a down dog and I can feel my leg brush the head of this woman (her hair is in a big bun and it is sticking quite far out of her head!).  Now I am really having a bit of an issue.  I stop, try to move my mat but there really is no room to move.  I now have lost my focus.

I make it through and as I stand up quietly and pull up my mat, she looks at me with the most intense smile and mouths “thank you.”  I feel it.  I understand immediately how important it was for her to be in this room with us, be present and receive the incredible energy of the group – and I must tell you it was a room full of positive energy.  I’ve been there, many, many times before.  “No problem,” I whisper to her with a knowing smile.

How quickly I moved from my place of compassion to my selfish place of “me.”  How important it was for me to see how easily I got tripped up … and how thankful I am that I could feel her appreciation and move back to a place of compassion.  While I may have helped her – she helped me even more.  I’ve still got a lot to learn.

These are the life lessons that happen in the course of minutes – sometimes seconds – and they make all the difference in the world.  We must be present to receive them.

I hope you have a day full of incredible experiences!

… maybe if you are the Dalai Lama (this is the title to one of his books, which I’ve just read).  But for me, a simple pedestrian, I have yet to find a “handbook” to help create my inner peace and a happier world.  I have, however, made a commitment to learn to be more compassionate (which I said in a recent blog, is the essence of love).  And with compassion will come both inner peace and a happier world (I hope at least around me!).  I’m not sure exactly how I (or anyone for that matter) will do this, but I am going to use these quotes from the Dalai Lama as a starting point.  I hope these quotes resonate for you as well:

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.  Without them humanity cannot survive. 

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

I hope that at this moment you are thinking of yourself as a human being rather than as an American, Asian, European, African, or member of any particular country.  These loyalties are secondary. If you and I find common ground as human beings, we can communicate on a basic level.  (This is true in our everyday life – we are all the same regardless of money, religion, color, etc.)

One of the chief reasons why lust and hatred arise is that we are overly attached to the current flow of life.  We have a sense that it will last forever, and with that sort of attitude, we become fixated on superficialities – material possessions, and temporary friends and situations.  … On the day of your death, nothing you have accumulated can help; we have to leave it all behind.  

You want happiness  and do not want suffering, and if you show other people kindness, love and respect, they will respond in kind, increasing your happiness.  If you show other people anger and hatred, they will show you the same, and you will lose your own happiness. 

In my own life, the most difficult periods have been the times when I have gained the most knowledge and experience.  If everything is going well, you can maintain the pretense that life is a smooth ride.  However, when you face really desperate situations you have to deal with realty. 

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Regardless of your beliefs, the Dalai Lama has a way of distilling our insanely complicated world down to the most simplest (and most important) of terms: compassion, peace, gentleness, happiness and love.  Really hard to find fault with that!

Have a wonderful day!

We all have them and I had one yesterday.  It was a day when nothing much went right but nothing really went wrong.  The kind you can’t really put your finger on as a “bad” day or a “great” day … just a day that was a bit more out of sorts than most.  A day which could have just phoned itself in instead of me experiencing it.  You would think that at 50, I would be better able to spot these days or manage them.

It was little things: one kid missed the bus to the swim meet so I had to drive across town, pick him and drive him to meet the group, while at the same time my daughter is freaking out that she might miss her practice (never mind that I am about to miss my workout). Or, that the cleaning people came and couldn’t get into the house so I had to clean the house myself last night (perfect Friday night assignment!).  Or, that my teenage son was moody, sassy and inhabited by a person (no, alien) that I didn’t know.  Or, maybe it was the episode at the grocery store where the check out person said my card was declined (thankfully, their machine wasn’t working!).  You know, that kind of stuff … where I got my groceries but not without a heart attack.

What do you do with those days?  I didn’t have the patience of a saint, but I did maintain some semblance of composure (until my son talked back … !)  It’s tough and usually we are sorry for how badly we’ve handled it.

I’ve decided that I am going to finally take my father’s advice (sorry it took me so long) … I am not going to let things bug me (well, I’m going to try anyway!).  I am not going to allow all the negativity in.   I think it really is true … the more positively you think … the better your day.  We LET things bother and control our feelings and thoughts.  Again, I come back to my mantra … we have complete control over how we see and experience our day.  It is the incredible power of our minds … our choices about how we will react and feel about what’s happening to us.