I had the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time with my friends, kids (some not my own!) and family these last few days. I decided I was going to spend more time listening as opposed to chatting or entertaining. I learned so much!
Do you ever find yourself mindlessly saying “uh huh” when someone is trying to tell you something only to have to say, “I’m sorry what did you say?” Or, have you been in a conversation with someone and you are not really listening completely to what they are saying because you are formulating your own response? Do you reflexively pick up your phone to start playing a game or checking email because you are checking out of a conversation?
In order to communicate effectively and be a participant in any conversation (which is they way we should be) we must hear what the other person is saying and remain present. Not just hear what they are saying because the acoustics are good or because the other person is speaking loudly enough we must hear by actively listening (which includes focus – not multitasking).
This is critically important with our partners but also with our children. We want the people in our lives to be healthy and safe, but we also want them to be happy. Yet, sometimes our desire for them to be happy gets in the way of our really listening.
I know that sometimes I put in my emotional earplugs when my child is directing their frustration at me. Yet, what I should be doing at that moment is listening. This is the never-ending battle of we’re not listening to them and they’re not listening to us. When we react first and listen second we judge rather than understand, which will prevent us from hearing the feelings and emotions behind the words.
My son and I had the most wonderful conversation the other day. It started out tough – with me setting some boundaries. Then, I noticed that we both were being defensive and not listening to one another. So, I asked him how he would you solve the issue we were discussing. He looked at me with this shocked expression and then went on to give me a fantastic solution that even I had not thought of! What made me think for one moment that I had better ideas than he did??!! Clearly I need to listen more than talk.
The French writer and philosopher Voltaire once said, “The road to the heart is the ear.” After that conversation with him – and many others since that point – I have learned how to ask questions and listen, really listen, to the response. There is nothing better than the connection of total listening and understanding of one another – particularly with our children.
Have a wonderful (and stay warm) day!
theyearof50 