Last December I left a firm that I loved (and was managing) to move to a downtown firm. There were many reasons for this life change – some good and some difficult. Yesterday I ran into some people from my old firm.
One of the women (someone I helped and supported when she arrived at the firm) clearly still held some kind of grudge against me. I hugged her right away when I saw her (ok – I just can’t help myself with the hugging thing!) and I noticed how quickly she moved away. She never once made eye contact in the five minutes of our conversation. It made me feel sad.
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of someone else. Our parents may criticize our parenting skills, a colleague can walk out on a project or a partner can breach our trust. These wounds often leave us feeling angry and bitter. But as I was watching her, I realized that she was the one paying the price for not forgiving me. This is true for every grudge-related issue – the one who holds the grudge will always be the one to suffer.
Ego plays a large part in forgiveness. It is really difficult to put one’s own feelings aside and forgive someone who has hurt us. It is easy to feed our anger: “How could that person do THAT to me?” Or, “Why should you forgive her after what she’s done?” We allow those tapes to play and fill up that empty space called anger. Anger is the wrong source of energy and is the opposite of forgiveness.
To forgive someone requires effort and a lot of emotional energy. We must have patience and compassion. One of my partners from my old firm has not spoken to me since I left. Recently, I found a reason to send him an email. He almost immediately responded – in a very nice way. It’s the first response I’ve received from him in a year. Maybe enough time had passed and my patience was rewarded.
Frankly, I think holding grudges takes more energy than forgiveness. I am amazed at how a friend’s ex still refuses to acknowledge him — 10 years later. I have confidence that his love and patience will pay off someday but it’s a pretty long payoff! It requires the use of a lot of energy to hold anger for that long. I recall that same feeling when I was getting divorced, but thankfully we quickly realized how unproductive and harmful a grudge (and the anger that feeds the grudge) could be on our children.
So, when leaving my former colleague yesterday, I smiled, touched her arm and told her that it was great to see her. Maybe someday I’ll get the same thing back. I’ll be waiting.
Have a wonderful day!
theyearof50 