“I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I’m sorry I did it.” (Calvin)
“Maybe you should apologize to her.” (Hobbes)
“I keep hoping there’s a less obvious solution.” (Calvin)
Calvin and Hobbes, February 1986
After “Please” and “Thank You,” “Sorry” must be the most powerful (and hardest) word to say and to act on. I agree with the notion that apologies are like the superglue of a relationship — when heartfelt, an apology can repair almost anything!
I recall reading a book over and over to my kids when they were younger, “I Am Sorry,” where the kid kept making mistakes. Sure, he kept apologizing to his mother but eventually the mom reminded him that sometimes it is not enough to say you are sorry – you must also change your behavior.
Lately, I’ve noticed that some “sorry” statements are really just ways to push the blame on others. They are words (not even great ones) with no actions behind them. Let me give you two examples from my own life recently:
“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
Do you notice a difference? The former is a real admission that someone did something wrong and they want to take responsibility for it. The latter is really just blaming – as if it was another person’s fault that their feelings were hurt.
When apologizing (regardless of to whom) I try (try is the operative word here) to follow a few “rules:”
Make sure you really mean it. The worst apologies are those that have no meaning – where the other person can say, “Sorry for what?” Try to be ready to mean it and back it up.
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. This is one of the main points of a true apology – acknowledge their feelings – this is not a time to express your frustration about their behavior.
Never use the word “but” in your apology. You are not apologizing when you include “but” in your apology. It totally negates the words and feelings.
Don’t ask if the other person is angry with you. An apology should be about you acknowledging what you’ve done to hurt someone’s feelings, not because someone is mad at you.
Always apologize right away. If it is for something small, say it right away. If it is for a larger issue, take time to meet and discuss your apology.
Make the change. Nothing is worse than an apology followed by the same offending actions. It will eventually erode the person’s trust in your words. This is critical.
Ask for acceptance of your apology. If they are not willing to accept your apology and forgive you, then you’ve got more work to do.
The wonderful thing about apologies – if they are sincere, you really only need three words – I am sorry.
Have a wonderful day!
theyearof50 