As you know, I am in love with love. We all need to be loved and need to experience companionship, respect, caring, trusting, admiration, appreciation and much more. The truth is, we are not emotionally mature enough to get this from ourselves so we seek it from the outside – this is, of course, normal.
My question is how does compassion fit in? Could it be greater than love? Isn’t compassion really the essence of love?
I believe that in order to show love, we must show compassion. Compassion makes us sensitive to the individuality and vulnerabilities of our loved ones. It makes us appreciate and embrace those that are different from us. It forces us to be aware of fear and shame, all of which leads to different behaviors in different people and allows us to feel compassion and empathy for their hurt feelings.
Compassion requires connectedness. In order to be connected we must first understand that it is virtually impossible to avoid vulnerabilities in a relationship (even with our kids). We must not only recognize our own fear and shame but also be sensitive to our partner or child’s fears. This can can be very difficult because vulnerabilities are often expressed as anger, criticism or blame.
So, what does this say to us? It says that we must be at our most compassionate, empathetic and loving when we feel the least like it!
Difficulties often arise in relationships when one person has more empathy and compassion than the other, especially during a disagreement. If one person is able to maintain his/her compassion even when angry or upset, but the other person shuts down his/her empathy and compassion when angry, this will create an imbalance in the relationship (again, think about this with your kids). In the end, the one who accessed his/her compassion may end up feeling abused by the disagreement. The trick is to find ways for both people to stay open to compassion, for themselves and others, even when angry or upset – at a time when those feelings usually go out the window!
If compassion is an essential element of love, how do we develop compassion? We must understand that compassion comes from empathy and we must practice it every day. At those critical moments, when someone is upset or angry, we must say to ourselves: My child/partner/friend is just trying to learn about life, is experiencing fear and sadness just like me and is seeking happiness just like me, so how can I help? The key to this is to act on these statements when we too feel threatened, fearful or resentful.
True compassion and love is not when it is easy to do, it’s when it is most difficult.
Try practicing this today. Maybe just for one disagreement. See how it works? Let me know. This is and always will be a work in process.
Have a great day!
theyearof50 