I ran into an old friend from college yesterday. It was someone I had dated well before I went to law school, before I met my ex and had kids. I was a different person back then (and much younger!) – at least I think I was!
He had married someone from college (I married someone from law school), had kids and then got divorced. We decided to get a quick cup of coffee and to catch up. We spent most of the time laughing about the differences in our “personalities” since college. Back then I was quiet, now I am a litigator. I was a carnivore, now I don’t eat meat. I hated running (was always last), now I love running (and I still am last). I was a serious liberal, now I have a small (oh so small) conservative streak. I was heavier and taller back then (a function of less stress and more aging!).
We spent even more time talking about our relationships and our roles in the ending of our marriages. Interestingly, one of the main issues in our respective marriages was the same: not embracing the traits of the person we had married. I commented that although we all start out looking for perfection, we eventually find that what we fall in love with are the flaws of the person. In fact, sometimes we love people because of their flaws!
We all need security and security is hard to come by when you are with someone who feels it is necessary to focus on pointing our your flaws rather than embracing them (or not looking at their own flaws!). There are many movies that explore the meaning of loving someone for their flaws and finding a soul mate who is perfect, not for everyone else, but for you (I have a friend with a knack for finding those movies!).
Let me say this, (and I didn’t need this coffee experience to figure this out) I was far from perfect when I was dating this guy, I was not perfect in my marriage and I am far from perfect now. I can only hope that my partner will embrace my flaws (and that your partner will embrace yours) and that we can appreciate their flaws as well!
In other words, we really need to love people for their imperfections rather than use them as an excuse for something else. As usual, I think this holds true for all relationships.
Man, pretty deep for a quick cup of coffee. How thankful I am that someone (?) continues to put people in my life to help me see, grow and learn. Chance encounters are sometimes the most incredible kind and I seem to happen upon them quite frequently.
Hope you have a chance encounter today!
theyearof50 