Monthly Archives: January 2013

You can’t have a silver lining without the experience of the dark clouds. Many times in my life, and again most recently, I thought I was heading in one direction and then realized that I might be heading another direction, albeit unintended.  Sometimes I find myself focused on the dark cloud of the change but I should focus on the fact that I will eventually find the silver lining around the cloud.

These are no bad turns or forks in the road. There are simply turns, changes, adjustments.  These are elements of life.  All of us experience change. In fact, change happens regularly. Some people consider it a challenge and embrace it by looking forward to what is ahead.  Others (like me!) resist change because we are comfortable and secure with things the way they are.

Yesterday, I was having lunch with a friend when something came up that shocked both of us – quite simply we realized that there was a deep issue between us.  At first I wasn’t sure what to do. I could see how big it was and I began to immediately worry about how to analyze and fix it. I got scared, angry and defensive.  He did the same.  I let all my tapes play so loudly that I’m surprised I’m not deaf!  I ran to my ever beautiful cave.

Yet, when I sat back afterwards and just allowed his words to float in front of me, I realized that we are all good at pushing “issues” in our caves, closets or out the door.  But those issues come back (usually sideways instead of straight forward).  And, regardless of the outcome, talking about it will eventually bring the silver lining of compassion and  a new understanding of the person or possibly a new direction.  Of course, some things just are going to hang there and it’s better to at least lovingly acknowledge those issues (if they can’t be discussed) rather than stuffing them in a closet.

Good things often come from the challenges we face. When you focus on those challenges you are less likely to get swamped by the darkness of anger, frustration and confusion. When things in life become fearful or they push the play button on your tape player, you can ground yourself by being very clear about who you are, your strengths, weaknesses and priorities in life — With the clear understanding that you are not perfect nor is your partner, child or friend.

These things happen for a reason.  Usually to force us to obtain more clarity about ourselves (critical) and others.  So, rather than focus on fear and anger, I’ve decided to focus on the silver lining.  There’s a plan, a reason why this issue came up, a reason why we both stumbled (badly) in the discussion.   I am going to learn from this.  I am going to keep my eye out for the silver lining!  I know it’s there.  It always is.

Have a great day!

We all love deals. This is especially true when it comes to grocery shopping (certainly when you have teenage boys).  Plus, the idea of clipping, saving and actually finding any coupons in my purse is a pipe dream.  The megastores (you know what I am talking about) make you think you’re saving money by buying in bulk, but are you really getting a deal?

The dreaded question: “Do these pants make me look fat?”  What’s he to say to that one?  Should he lie about what he really thinks?  Should he tell you the full truth (even if he thinks they do make you look fat)?  Or, should he say something in between?

Given the Lance Armstrong “confession” I’ve been thinking about this issue.  It did give me a foray into the discussion with my kids but they asked questions that I struggled to answer.  We all tell white lies, but when we do, are we being irresponsible?  We tell lies about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause. to encourage our kids imagination – but they are still lies.

What about the other “little” lies.  Like telling your boss that you have to leave early for an appointment and you really are going to a soccer game.  Or what about the many (I’d rather not call them lies, I would rather call them protection-statements) … protection statements I’ve made to my kids about when I had my first drink, my first kiss, etc.  Plus, I realize that I’ve even encouraged my kids to “lie”  by suggesting, for example, that they tell a relative that they loved a gift that maybe they didn’t love!

Thankfully (for my current level of guilt), there are studies that say small white lies are ok (I feel weird even typing this).  They are called “pro-social” lies and they help kids develop sympathy and empathy, both of which are important aspects of a child’s development.  Yet, I am still struggling with when a white lie is not longer white.  I watch some politicians tell lies and I am struck by how much they believe their own statements.  I depose people who tell lies that have really become their own personal truth (this is part of my profession that I don’t like).

Here’s an illustration of my point:

A man who loses his bike outside his synagogue, goes to his rabbi for advice. “Next week come to services, sit in the front row,” the rabbi tells the man, “and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ see who can’t look you in the eyes. That’s your thief.” After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn about the advice and asked the man if it worked. “Like a charm,” the man answers. “The moment we got to ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike.”

Funny, sort of, but what does it tell us?  How can we expect honesty when we are doing things that we shouldn’t do? This is the $64,000 question.  We will never be able to stop people from lying. The thing we can do is focus on ourselves and our own internal code of conduct, which must be in order so we can each make our world a better – more truthful – place.

Have a great day!

Inc.com had a short article recently talking about a Gallup poll.  The poll itself was interesting.  However, the article laid out 10 things that can bring happiness – other than money.  Shocking, right?!  Here’s a portion of the article:

1. Life

It’s easy to forget that the mere fact of conscious existence–that you are alive–is itself a miracle. As the old saying goes “every day above ground is a good day.”

2. Health

Rather than thinking of illness as something bad that happens to you, start thinking of health as something good that’s happening to you.

3. Purpose

There is nothing more conducive to long-term happiness than knowing that your actions are making the world a better place.

4. Friendship

Almost everyone has friends, although it’s easy to lose track of them in the rush of events. Take a few minutes–today–to reconnect with some of them.

5. Family

If you’ve got a good relationship with your family, rejoice! You’re experiencing one of the deepest sources of happiness on the planet.

6. Self-reliance

Feeling secure that you can count on yourself to accomplish what you set out to accomplish creates a quiet but potent happiness.

7. Community

Having the support of a wider group makes you more aware that you’re part of something greater than yourself.

8. Gratitude

Rather than focusing on what you don’t have or what’s out of reach, be thankful for the wonderful things already in your life.

9. Laughter

It is impossible to laugh and be miserable at the same time. Regular doses of laughter are more than medicine… it’s the flavor of life.

10. Love

Enough said.

Acrasia – Lack of self-control; when you act against your better judgment.  I would suggest that this is occurring on a frequent basis in my house with three teenagers and a mom going through menopause.

Accismus – When you pretend to be not interested in something or someone, when you really are interested.  This is how teens behave on a consistent basis.  This is how I behave while I listen to their “private” conversations.

Autophoby – The fear of using the pronouns “I” or “Me.” A good example is Elmo of Sesame Street.  He never says those pronouns and I want to go back to those Elmo years!

 Epagomenic – This is when you notice or celebrate something that’s not on the calendar.   Like the Hallmark holidays.  They are  holidays that are not (or shouldn’t be) printed on calendars.  This is simply a way for a company to make money and for significant others to get in trouble when they miss said holiday.

Lately I have been distracted.  Well, let me say this … I allow myself to be distracted.   Yesterday I was walking back to my office, from getting a cup of coffee, and I was doing what 99.9% of all people do in this world … I was emailing on my phone – while I was walking.  I was completely looking down and ignoring the world around me.  Great, right?

As you might expect, I bumped right into someone.  I began apologizing before I even looked up.  When I did look up, he said, “Hi Jessica.”  I was shocked –  it was someone from my teen years.

I wasn’t in a hurry and neither was he so we moved over toward the wall to chat a bit.  We joked about how geeky we were in school, I reminded him that I was dead last in every race and that I became a cheerleader to avoid sports.  He said that he remembered me as the girl who was always happy and talked with her hands (nice, right!).

The point I want to make here is not how weird I was as a kid (I was weird) but to remind us all to pay attention.  I would have missed this guy because I was looking at my phone, not up at the world around me.  Not that anything big came of the meeting – but it’s one of life’s niceties … seeing and talking to people.

I notice that in the grocery store now so many people pull their phone out instead of talking to the check out person.  At one of my favorite stores, there’s a guy who bags the groceries and is always singing while he’s doing it … out loud!  I can’t tell you how many people ignore him – don’t even acknowledge him.  I love it and remind him of it every time I see him (he really does have a great voice!)

Maybe I am rambling today.  But I’ve got to tell you that in the last few days, I’ve had so many nice little experiences because I decided put my phone away, make more eye-contact with people and just plain pay attention to my surroundings.

So today, just for one day, put down your phone and talk to the people around you or just make eye-contact and smile!  You can’t imagine how many cool things will happen.

Have a great day!

Yesterday was a normal day, which almost ended badly until I made a choice.  What happened was that I could see someone else’s life “muck” creeping into mine and I stopped and asked myself: do I want to end my day in a closed off, angry way or do I want to end it with love and energy?  I chose the latter.

Maybe the best way to look at life is how we end our day.  Are we able to look back and shake our head, marveling at the craziness of the day? Or are we closing our eyes and shutting people out, exhausted from the energy necessary to be angry or frustrated? Let me say right here and now – I don’t want that life and I am going to make an effort not to end my days like that.  It is a waste of time and energy.

I was with my personal trainer yesterday (yes, the one luxury I afford myself!) and he told me that I had a positive vibe … an aura of happiness and genuineness. Then he asked, “Are you happy?” (I love that question!). Of course, I said “Yes!”  I have trials and tribulations like everyone else. Money seems elusive at times, a single mom, three kids, a job, a house to keep up, etc., etc. But, I would have to say that I am generally happy.

His next questions, “To what do you attribute your happiness and how do you stay happy in the face of all the craziness of life?” (I love those questions even more!). Hmm … I choose to be happy. I try to forgive myself and others.  I try to be thankful for what I have and to see the good in situations (even those that are not-so-good).  Like yesterday – I had a small spat with my son as I was leaving the house. Instead of dwelling on it, I texted him (thank g-d for phones!), said I was sorry and that I hoped he had a nice day. Then, I let it go and used my energy for more positive things.

I often look back on my day and see (and write about) the “stuff” that happened — and that’s ok. But I think the biggest question of all is, “How did you end your day?”  Friends, that’s the ticket!

No matter how bad, frustrating or disappointing your day was, you can always go into your kids’ rooms and kiss them goodnight. You can clean the kitchen and pick up the living room and know that you will feel great about it when you wake up. You can write a message to one of your close friends and let them know how fantastic they are. And then, you can close your eyes with a smile on your face. Maybe, life is just that simple.

Life – or living it – is a choice. No matter what happens, choose to end each day with love and gratitude.

Have a great day!

I am so tired of this battle regarding the wearing of coats.  My boys continually choose this battle and it’s driving me crazy.  While I know that virus’ are not caused by going out in the cold, this doesn’t stop me from acting on my instincts and my deep-seated parental impulses to protect and bundle my children up.  Plus, we are in Minnesota.  Culturally, it’s considered the right thing to do.

I know, of course, that the coat revolt starts early.  My toddlers threw tantrums over bundling up and by lower school I could see the battle mounting.  Now, in middle school I find my position slipping.

Yesterday was a perfect example.  I had high hopes of getting to work early and dropped my daughter off at 7:50.  I realized I forgot something at home and figured a quick stop back there would still get me to work by 8:15.  I walk in the door and what do I see?  My son’s coat.  He clearly walked out of the house, got on the bus with a short sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt … no coat.  Mind you, it’s -13!  I think, S%^&!!

I call him while he’s on the bus and he tells me he doesn’t need a coat!  What the freak?  Come on!  Half-way through the conversation (with me being frustrated and him ignoring my “issues”) he says, “Mom?  Mom?  I am running out of battery on my phone.  I’m going to have to hang up.”  Yea, right …. now I’m getting the “battery is running out” excuse?!

I know students choose their outfits very carefully and that many different factors can go into the decision-making process.  Clearly, weather appropriateness is not one of those factors.  For some reason at my daughter’s school almost all kids refuse to use their lockers and carry around these heavy backpacks all day.  Yet, they refuse to wear coats because they have to carry them around all day!  The thing with my son is, this is not a fashionista issue.  This is simply a guy-forgetfulness matter.  Even more frustrating!

Yesterday morning the air temperature was -13 degrees with the wind chill temperature even worse.  The weather service said that at this temperature, exposed skin will begin to suffer frostbite in 10 minutes.  Ten minutes in teen-time is 10 status updates on Facebook, 6 text messages, a couple of snap chats and all the while listening to 4 songs.

So, this is going to have to be one of those kids learn through experience things.  And, after being cold once or twice — he may learn his lesson.  Meanwhile, I got caught up in my “mom” thing yesterday and had to bring the coat to school (for me, mind you, not him) and was much later to work than I wanted to be.  Backing off doesn’t come naturally to me but I think that’s the only way this is going to work.  This is a frustrating parental experience (and I’m freezing doing it!).

Stay warm today!

• Monday – Creamy Pumpkin Seed and Green Chile Posole:  What the heck is Posole and where does it come from?  How do the pumpkin seeds get creamy?  This sounds like an entire trip to the grocery store … maybe the eating is easy but I’m not feeling the “easy” part for the rest.
• Tuesday – Sesame Noodles with Spinach and Salmon:  Does anyone have sesame noodles handy and just waiting for use?  If they are not white and enriched, I’m not so sure they will get eaten at my house. Spinach is a not-so favorite vegetable in our house but the salmon sounds great.  Easy?  Hmm, let me keep looking.
• Wednesday – Chicken with Pepperoni-Marinara Sauce:  Yea, I can do this.  I have chicken, pepperoni and red sauce.  Plus, there are three direction points and one is to heat the broiler! Finally seems easy.
• Thursday – Hoisin-Glazed Salmon in Ginger Broth:  Ginger broth?  Does that come in a can from Campbells?  Hoisin?  Please, I can’t even spell it. This one has 12 ingredients and I have only one at home … oil.  Who is this easy for?  Julia Child?
• Friday – Quick Pasta Bolognese:  Pasta I can do.  The rest, not so much.  Plus it says “ready in 40 minutes!”  My kids have eaten through the cupboards in 40 minutes.  It’s gotta be 15 minutes or less!
• Saturday – Tri-Tip Tacos:  Let’s just call them tacos and buy them from Chipotle.
• Sunday – Moroccan Lamb and Celery Root Puree:   Oh yes – I keep a supply of celery root puree at my house at all times in case someone drops off lamb (from Morocco).  NOT.
• Breakfast – Dr. Oz’s Immunity-Boosting Smoothie:  Ahh, now we’re getting down to business. An immunity boosting smoothie and from Dr. Oz no less!  This is simply vanilla soy milk, raspberries, banana and frozen OJ concentrate.  Yes, I can do this one! And, if I add protein powder to it, maybe we can skip one of meals above and use this as an “easy meal!”

I think it’s time for a fondue pot.

Have a great day!