Monthly Archives: December 2012

We are having an issue in our house – it’s about giving up control and gaining control. I can see that the age-old power struggle with teenagers has hit our house – namely, how much control to give them in making decisions.

Making decisions is a skill that teens need to learn to do well.  Whether it is about the decision to get a job, use drugs, start dating, having sex, whatever … teens have a lot of choices in front of them but very little experience making decisions on their own.  Mix in the decisions of how hard to study for an upcoming test, which will lead to good grades and then a good college … it is easy to understand how a they don’t see how one decision will affect many other ones.  Plus, studies show (there I go again!) that teens who have good decision-making skills have less stress.

After a long and unpleasant argument/discussion with one of my sons this weekend, I realized that getting into a power struggle was defeating the purpose and really what I needed to do was help him learn how to make good decisions rather than making them for him.  Here are the steps I’ve come up with for this process.

We all face tough decisions when it comes to personal and business relationships. How do we decide whether to stay in or leave a relationship? Take a job or quit one? Hire, fire, or partner with someone? Should we take on a client/job/task doesn’t seem to fit our vision?  Should we just say no and walk away?   Business and relationships need a clear decision path, yet, we often get stuck. Moreover, no decision is a decision (and I’m very good at that in my personal life).

I have two things running concurrently:   I need to make a personal decision and my son is feeling like he is not making enough decisions for himself (a source of significant frustration for him).  Today, I will briefly explore the former.  Tomorrow, the latter.

I am usually a pretty decisive person.  In my business,  I make split second decisions all the time without hesitation. With the kids, same thing.  This is more personal and I am having a hard time making the decision.  I know that decisions must be made rationally rather than in anger.  And, the most difficult decisions are the ones that are both emotional and intellectual.  When both are in conflict – like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other!  I got one on each shoulder right now!!!

So, I’ve begun to a list – the main pro and con arguments of each decision.  I’ve also started to look at what has caused the problem(s) that led me to this point and decide if it can be solved.  Sometimes problems can’t be solved, people are different and we have to let go and understand that we can’t change people or situations.

Difficult decisions are life-altering (I would suggest in a positive way no matter what the decision).  Yet, we often second-guess ourselves.  I have no answers right now, only questions. And, I am keeping an open mind about my own decision and the concerns raised by my son.

I recently heard a quote on decisions which stuck with me: Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right.  Dr. Phil

You know that when I start quoting Dr. Phil, I’m in trouble!

Almost a snow day today!!!  Enjoy!

Yesterday I went to two parties. One larger, one small.  One celebrating Christmas and one celebrating Hanukkah.  Totally different people and events.

The silver lining of going to a party by yourself is that you are forced to talk with people you don’t know (something I obviously do quite frequently!).  Yesterday was no exception and at one event I met a woman who I found to be so amazing.

People always start these conversations with, “What do you do for a living?”  When she asked me, I told her my theory on careers … we each get three. You don’t have to count being a parent because that’s a life experience.  I mean three real careers.   I’ve had two.  This woman laughed and told me that she has had at least eight so far.  Eight totally different careers.  Basically, she started in her early 20’s, built business after business and either sold them or moved on.  I was fascinated by this.  Not because of the variety of her jobs, but by the fact that she was so comfortable with all the changes.  Moreover, she used the changes as momentum to propel herself into something else.  Oh, and she has a disability on top of it all, which for most people would put them down … not this woman.

My take away was that she found the silver lining in change — And there is a silver lining in change.  Whether it’s a change in a job, change in a relationship or change in your life circumstances.  We can (and should) find the good in the difficult.

For some of us the holiday season can be trying.  We are tired, not eating right, missing those who are no longer with us and spending more money than we like!  We are also looking back.  Did we make the changes we hoped to make?  Was it successful?

This year, I am going to challenge myself to see the silver lining in the things I was able to move forward and the things I was not.   I am going to slow it down these next few weeks and enjoy those  people who are in my life and those with whom I will have those chance meetings.  There really are so many people who can teach us life lessons … all we have to do is keep our eyes open!

Enjoy the first snowfall!

So, I’ve been having some eye issues.  Just one eye.  Tried cleaning my glasses about 100 times over the last few days until I realized that the problem wasn’t dirty glasses  (Yes, I do have a real law degree).  I decide to make an appointment … I’m thinking, 1, 2 or 3 weeks out.  Maybe after the new year.  I’m in no hurry.  So, I call.

It took the scheduler about 30 seconds of my explaining the symptoms before she says, “let me get the triage nurse.”  Really?  I’m just calling for an appointment!  Less than 15 seconds and triage is on the line.  He asks me a few more questions and says, “you need to come in.”  YEA, that’s why I am calling!  “No,” he says, “right now.”

Now, one might think that seeing the ophthalmologist won’t be painful but it was.  After the “drops” the lights were so bright that I asked for a cocktail to match my dilated eyes!  They numb, they poke, they shine things … “look up, look right, look up right…”  Enough already!

Two hours later I had an answer.  Could be worse.  Gotta go back every three weeks, for now.  He tells me that although it won’t go away, my mind will adjust to the change and eventually I won’t even notice it.  Nice, really nice.  My mind can’t adjust to daylight savings time or the fact that my kids are taller than me.  How am I going to adjust to this?

So, I ask,  “how did this happen?”  He turns to me with a straight face (… mind you, he looks to be in his mid-30’s)  … “just by getting older,” he says.  That, my friends, is the name of the game.  We are getting older.  Sometimes gracefully.  Sometimes not.  But it is happening and there’s no turning back.  I decided, as I must .. as we all must, that it’s ok.  It’s going to be the new normal.  I’m going to love this change just like I “love” all the other “changes!” (Seriously, I can justify almost anything).

I leave and decide I need a “bump.”  So, when I get home I open up a bag of M & M’s, get a glass of wine and watch an old holiday musical.   If I have to get older, I want to do it with chocolate and wine in my blood stream with a little of Bing singing on the TV screen!

Have a wonderful day!

I am in love with my phone.  This doesn’t take away from my love for others but it does show that I can love inanimate objects.

Am I the only one who finds it difficult to leave my phone in a place where I might not hear it ring, beep or ding?  Is it bad that I’ve taken it into the bathroom (once or twice!) or into my bedroom at night?  Do you know that we spend almost as much money on our phone bill as our heating bill?

Cell phones have changed the way we live and work. No matter the location, whatever the time, we have grown accustom to constant available contact.  I’ve found a few amazing statistics that show just how much we’ve come to rely on them:

22,128,000 people voted for American Idol using their cell phones.  That’s approximately the population of Texas.

500 million cell phones weighing 250,000 tons are stockpiled and awaiting disposal.  That’s the weight of 25 Eiffel Towers.

4,239,956 people are having a cell phone conversation at any given second.

According to a new report from the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 67 percent of cell phone owners find themselves checking their phone for messages, calls, tweets, etc., totally unprompted by a beep, ringing or vibration.

The Urban Dictionary has a term called “phone dorking,” which is checking one’s phone without any real purpose … I phone dork!

I wonder … has this love become an obsession? Is it bad that I find myself taking my phone on a run (what if a kid or client calls?) or on the pool deck (what if a kid or client calls?).  I’ve got to be honest with myself here … it might be ok for me to run out of milk or gas in my car, but run out of cell phone reception — that could be a real issue for me.  How about the fact that I put my phone on silence when I am supposed to shut it off?   Please tell me that at least one of you can privately admit that you have some of these same tendencies!

I need to examine this love of mine and find a way to get it under control (why are things in my life either being controlled or out of control?? – for another blog, I suppose).  Maybe I’ll start with a phone free hour … no, wait – that might be too much.  I’ll start with a minute each hour.  What’s the point in killing myself the first day?  Plus, I don’t want to miss any of your communications!

Enjoy your Friday!

Does anyone you know play the games of “Lunch Bag,” “See What You Made Me Do,” or Why Does This Always Happen To Me?”  How about, “If It Weren’t For You,” “You Son of A B*&%$” or “Harried?” Although we can’t buy these games at the big box retailers, we can find them at the Transactional Analysis theory-store!  They are born out of my most recent read, Games People Play, by Eric Berne.  They are the names of some of the common games that people play (people we know and love!).  Let me describe a few … see if anything sticks!

Lunch Bag is an example of the kind of fairly harmless game that we all play.  For example, we can afford to have lunch at a restaurant but we bring our lunch each day.  This give us benefits, such as control over our finances, eating in peace or catching up on work during lunch.

Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a B*&$# is played by people who search out opportunities to get angry with other people as a way of letting out the “pent-up furies of many years.”  Any time they have even a tiny reason to feel that someone has done some injustice against them – however trivial – they will attack them anger.

See What You Made Me Do is a game played by people who don’t like to take responsibility for decisions, preferring to blame other people when things go wrong. Know anyone like that?

Harried is a game played by the harried wife or husband. For example, you take on everything that comes your way.  You feel that you must be the best conversationalist, spouse, parent, interior decorator, caterer and diplomat and on top of that you also will volunteer that morning to bake a cake for school.  Exhausting!

So why do we get involved in these games?  Usually, it’s an attempt to cover up our own insecurities.  No matter what the reason, these “games” form the basis of much of our social intercourse – at work, at social events and between spouses.

Game playing is fine when we are the only participants (as long as you are not being harmed) — sometimes it’s a motivator.  Sometimes it’s ok with others … until someone gets hurt (which usually occurs).  To stop the “games” we must first admit to ourselves, that we are playing a game.  Then, we have to examine who is affected by our “game.”  Sometimes, I play games with the kids because I want a particular outcome.  Sure, I may get it, but is it the healthiest interaction?  Not likely.  I really need to be more open about what I need from them – rather than manipulate.  I’ve been on the receiving end of game-players and it’s not fun.

Well, food for thought!  I’m off to play “What Can I Do Today to Justify My Existence!”

I love home remedies.  Ways to solve problems the “natural” way.  My mom was really into these sorts of things.  I saw yesterday that Dr. Oz has a way to cure wrinkles in 5 minutes.  Well, how cool is that??!!

I still remember some of my mom’s favorite home remedies … here are a few of them:

Onions: If you have a bruise, just place a slice of raw onion over the bruise and leave it at least six hours (when do you have six hours to hold a piece of raw onion on a bruise?).  You can tie it on the bruise as well.  When you remove it, the bruise should be better (but you will smell bad).

Sugar for Hiccups: A teaspoon of sugar is believed to relax the nerve muscles that cause spasms in the diaphragm.  Drinking a glass of water, upside down with a pencil in your mouth is also supposed to work!

Duct Tape for Warts: This does work – take duct tape and put it on the wart for three days and then change the tape. Every few days file the dead skin and the wart will be gone after 2 months (or you will need a new role of duct tape!)

Vodka For Foot Odor: Washing your feet in vodka is supposed to eliminate bad odors from your feet.  I don’t really care why.  I just care that I am washing my feet with something that I really should be ingesting.

Baking Soda for your Face: We keep a container of baking soda in the bathroom and use it a few times a week (a big handful with a bit of water) on you face to get the dead skin off.  It looks like we are doing some illegal drug in the shower but it’s just the baking soda.

Yogurt to treat Bad Breath: The neutralizing powers of yogurt and other probiotics treat bad breath.  No wonder so much yogurt is sold these days!

Potato for Excessive Sweating: If you have excess underarm sweating (and if you do, you are not likely to tell me!), take a potato, cut it in half and rub the cut part under your arm.  I suggest you don’t use the potatoes for some evening side dish.

Licorice for Calluses and Corns:  This one kills me because it is my favorite kind of candy.  Grind up a few licorice sticks, mix them with ½ teaspoon of petroleum jelly and rub the mixture into the rough areas of your feet, your calluses and corns will soften and disappear.

Peppermint or Cinnamon Gum: Peppermint is supposed to lower feelings of fatigue or anxiety and cinnamon is supposed to decrease frustration and increase alertness.  I’m running out to get some ASAP!

Have a great day (and don’t try these at home without adult supervision).

As if our lives were not complicated enough – Apple gave us the spinning color wheel of death.  For you Mac users, you know what I’m talking about … Just as you’ve completed a large document, you go to change one last word and BAM!  The color wheel.  You are screwed. You can’t get out and you can’t save.  You can’t do anything except utter some expletives or throw the computer out the window!  At this point you’ve lost your document and your mind.

This happened to me yesterday.  I got up at 4:45 a.m. to get some work done.  I make my tea and my oatmeal (moved off waffles, for now) and started working.  I get to 6:15 a.m. and I realize that I really should start the laundry.  I want to move one last paragraph, save it and run downstairs.  I move my cursor, highlight the paragraph, right-click, cut, and then I get it – the wheel.  I have a stomach ache.  I realize that this is it.  All my work from the morning … gone.  Why didn’t I just go to yoga, for a run, anything?  What made me think I could be efficient by getting work done before working out?  Won’t I ever learn the ways of the world?

So yesterday, when the color wheel popped up in its oh-so-negative way (making it a rainbow color wheel does not make it nicer!), I found myself talking to my computer. Look, I’ll be honest here … it’s not just the color wheel that frustrates me about my computer.  It’s not being able to get a document to print or get it saved, or even get it on the internet!  These things can be upsetting!

Yesterday, I found myself arguing, threatening and even calling my computer names.  Maybe I am one of those people who thinks that talking to an inanimate object will result in it obeying.  I heard myself asking it to compromise —- “give me the document and I’ll promise to save it every 32 seconds.”  What’s happened to me??? Still, you must admit there’s something satisfying about yelling “What do you mean ‘cannot locate printer!?’ It’s right there!”

Finally, after getting no response but that d%$# color wheel, decided I needed a do-over for my day ( it’s only 7:00 am at this point).  Seemed like a better idea than smashing my computer (which I really wanted to do!).  So, I went to the health club.

Try, just try, to avoid your computer today!

This is the statement from my son in response to my asking him to be a bit more pleasant this weekend.  There wasn’t any arguing, just not a lot of smiles … almost none.  He was walking around with the stone-coldest of faces on Saturday and when I called him on it he told me I didn’t know what I was talking about.  Yea, right.  It was the teenage I-am-cranky-for-no-reason attitude.  I can spot it a mile away.

Recently I read an article in Scientific America on smiling (yes, Dad – just because I went to law school to avoid your tough science world, doesn’t mean I can’t read some soft-science articles (smile)).  It discussed a slew of recent studies of Botox recipients and others, and suggested that our “emotions are reinforced—perhaps even driven—by their corresponding facial expressions.”  Hmmm.

This study found that people whose ability to frown is comp­romised by cosmetic Botox inject­ions, are happier, on average, than people who can frown (clearly a sales pitch for Botox!).  Interestingly, the Botox recipients reported feeling happier and less anxious in general.  More importantly, they did not report feeling any more attractive, suggesting that the emotional effects were not driven by a psychological boost that came from the treatment.

“It would appear that the way we feel emotions isn’t just restricted to our brain—there are parts of our bodies that help and reinforce the feelings we’re having,” said Michael Lewis, a co-author of the study. “It’s like a feedback loop.”  Apparently, the concept works the opposite way, too— people who frown during an unpleasant procedure report feeling more pain than those who do not …“It’s possible that people may feel less pain if they’re unable to express it.”

This isn’t a blog on those crazy “studies” if find (and believe me, I can find them!).  This is really about the simple notion of smiling.  The more we smile, the happier we feel.  I don’t need a study to prove that concept to me.  Plus, the more I frown (the worse I look) but the more stressed out I feel.  I really believe that the more negativity we are exposed to and emote, the more negative we feel and become … Ok, admittedly not  scientific, but I’m going with it!

Truthfully, no one seems to know why our facial expressions influence our emotions as they seem to.  However, all we need to know is that if we smile, we are more likely to feel happy.  Seems easy to me!

Enjoy your time smiling today!

Trust is one of the most important elements in any relationship. Without trust in your relationships, failure will follow.  Trust gives you a measure of peace and calmness that leads to security, openness and unconditional love.

Regaining broken trust is not easy and takes patience on both sides of the relationship.  I’ve been in relationships where I had total trust and those without any trust … and some in between.  There is little question which ones we want to commit to.  Here’s how I might characterize why I think trust important?

1. Without trust in a friendship/partner, you are not able to have complete confidence to share your feelings, emotions and self with someone else.  And, isn’t that the reason we are in intimate close relationships?  Trust means that you don’t have any doubt in your mind about the honesty, integrity and credibility of the other person.

2. Trust is so important is that no relationship can survive without it. As soon as the trust breaks, the relationship breaks.  I’ve seen and experienced this time and again. Cheating is a break in trust, lying is a break in trust, talking behind someone’s back … any break in trust creates problems and eventual dissolution of the friendship, especially if that trust is not restored (it can be restored but with effort, love and commitment on both sides).  Sometimes, people try to stop the offending behavior but still do things that really are not clear cut … causing a situation where the trust is never fully rebuilt. The relationship/friendship will never survive.

3. Let’s be totally clear here: trust is the foundation on which any relationship is built – it’s the cement. If you don’t trust a person, how can you love them … well, I guess in the broad sense you can love them as we love everyone but can you really LOVE them in the intimate/close sense of the word?  Not likely.  And for me, and I speak only for myself, if I don’t fully trust a friendship or relationship – I just can’t fully give myself.

4. Finally, a relationship will never grow without trust.  Trust that the friendship is stable, trust that the person does what he/she says, trust that the person is really there for you no matter what.

I want to be the kind of person my partner, friends and children can trust to be there for them.  I want to be the kind of person that will not the break trust in a relationship – regardless of the relationship … even if I don’t think the other person will find out.  I want to be the kind of person who has internal trust … trust that I am grounded enough to be honest with myself, so I can be honest with others.  In turn, I want to spend my life with those same kinds of people.  Don’t you?

Enjoy your Sunday!