Monthly Archives: December 2012

A friend gave me a retro eraser with this saying on it … “Smart Women Make Changes.”  There’s a company that manufactures items with this fantastic saying!  How cool is that!  Also, last night I went to a book signing for a friend of mine.  An attorney who made the commitment to begin writing every day and out of that commitment – three years later – came a book (which was just published)!!  That’s change.  I’ve written about change before but as we come upon the new year, I am examining this issue quite closely in my own life.

Most people don’t strive for changes because the unknown is scary.  I know that’s true for me.  Even though I may not like where I am at the moment (job, relationship, weight, anything), it is still familiar, comfortable, predictable and requires minimal effort. Why change, right?  Writing this blog was a change for me.  To write or even admit to and open up about all my flaws (and on a daily basis) was scary and a challenge.  I have never done anything like this before in all my 50 years.

I have a love/hate relationship with the familiar, the comfortable, and the predictable. I love it but I know that I can do more to change and grow.  I am also afraid of change, afraid of failing, afraid of leaving people, job security, routine, or all of the above.  But, I also am experiencing change every day and I know it’s what makes my life exciting!

On New Year’s Day, thousands of people resolve to change something about their lives. They start off strong, but as February approaches, many begin to lose their interest in the change.  Those that really do follow through are the ones who have “failed” several times.  I think trying with persistence, a common trait of change-makers, will result in success.

I’ve never made new year’s promises.  I’m not sure why.  My mom thought that was “odd” because “everyone makes them.”  Maybe I was even afraid to make a promise to myself!  In any case, I didn’t and still don’t.  On my birthday this year, I committed to making changes each day.  Of course, those close to me would agree that I have failed as many times as I have been successful (or even less).  I’ve made some small changes and a few with big heavy doors.

This year – starting today – I am going to make some that I never imagined I would make.  I have no idea what they are yet or how it will all turn out.  Scary?  Yes.  Am I likely to cry a few times as I push through? No question (but I’m Italian – remember?).  Yet, I am certain, absolutely certain, that I will be amazed (and happy) at how cool the changes are.

I really look forward to each new day and the changes and surprises it brings.  I hope you do too!

We only have two bathrooms and are about to start a remodeling project in one of them.  My fear?  We will kill each other due to the length of time that some of my family members spend in the bathroom.  Why do my boys (well really all men) spend so much time on the commode?

Recently, I’ve had to ask my boys not to bring their handheld devices (phones, ipods) into the bathroom because when they have them they spend twice as long in there!  When we are late to get somewhere it is invariably because one had to “go to the bathroom” at the last-minute!

A study by the National Association of Continence (seriously!) found that the average American spends about an hour a day on the commode.  That’s two weeks a year when no one will bother you.  Two weeks a year when you are totally (hopefully) alone with your thoughts.   That’s your two weeks of vacation time from work.  If I do my math right, by the time you are 80, you will have spent almost three full years in the bathroom.  These studies also show that men spend more time on the commode than women (not surprised, I’m sure).

But maybe that’s not such a bad thing.   Maybe in the increasingly complex world we live in, the bathroom represents a throw back to easier times.  A time when you can relax and think and … well you know, solve the world’s problems!

According to another study, women spend an average of two years of their life getting ready for their day in comparison to the six months men spend.  This study found that women spend ten minutes each day showering, thirty minutes applying make-up, twenty-four minutes fixing their hair and twenty-six choosing clothing and getting dressed (seems a little excessive to me … maybe a man performed this study). The average man spends just eleven minutes getting ready, which includes five minutes to shower, two to shave, one minute on hair and one minute dressing. If this study is true, it’s a wonder that women are able to get anything done considering they also spend more than twice as much time doing household chores than men!

I spend very little time in the bathroom, mainly because they are always in use.  I also spend very little time getting ready, mainly because I don’t wear make-up or have a significant wardrobe to choose from  (hmm, will I wear that black dress today or that other black dress today?).  My daughter is the same way.

So the debate rages on in our house about who is spending more time in the bathroom.  This one isn’t going away any time soon.  I’m sure by now you’ve recognized the incredibly highbrow topics that are debated in our house.

Enjoy your day!

All of our relationships are built on trust.  I’m fairly clear on that.  However, I recently read an article on how stress can break down the trust in a relationship.    Of course, I knew that but it really made me think about this issue in my own life and relationships.

I would venture a fairly educated guess that my marriage ended, in large part, to an overwhelming amount of stress that we suffered in a short period of time (turns out we are really very different people but stress prevented us from any reasonable attempt to work through those issues).   We both were not mature enough to deal with it at the time but in hindsight, I can see it as clear as day (and my part as well).

Whatever the cause of the stress within a relationship; not sharing problems with your partner, can lead to major relationship issues.  The sad part of this statement is that often the “issue” is something that can be dealt with by both parties, rather than allowing it to fracture the relationship or eat into the trust that is so important for every relationship.

One of the first steps is admitting that the stress is getting to you.  Many of us claim that we are “fine” when we really aren’t.   I was in a relationship where the stress was overwhelming for my partner, but he always said he was OK.  He wasn’t and it affected me, our relationship and those around him.

When one person can actually admit that they are stressed out (a sign that the person is being vulnerable), his/her partner should be supportive and find a way to  lessen the effect of the stress.   This assumes, of course, that the partners are able to let each other help and can admit to the vulnerability piece – a difficult task indeed and can own their own part (a critical element).

Use this same process with your kids.  I find that I have the shortest fuse and am the worst listener when I am stressed out.  This affects the children, our discussions and my own well-being.  I have made a point of admitting to my kids when my stress gets in the way of our family.  I am human, after all!

I am off for a bit of yoga and a nice smelling candle.  Stress-reduction at its best!  Have a great day!

Are there therapy groups for addictions to grocery stores?  If so, I need one.  I have a friend who says that every time he calls me I am in the grocery store.  It’s true!  Yesterday, I was in four different “grocery stores.”  By the end of the day, I had a headache (and a hole in my wallet) from so much food, carts and paper bags.  Here’s where I went and why:

1. Upscale grocery store:  I love this place.  Yes, it is more expensive than all the rest, but the lighting is great (for those of us old(er) folks).  The samples (if you go at the right time) can be an entire meal.  I almost never have to wait in line and how can you beat carpeting on the floor?

2. Organic grocery store:  The samples that they serve aren’t great but this is the place I buy all my fruits, vegetables and meats.   I am here the most often.  Everyone is so friendly — must be the healthy eating.

3. Store with big red bullseye: I go to this place to pick up the food that’s bad for us that the organic store doesn’t carry … like some muffin mixes (hydrogenated junk in it), low-fat cheese (who thinks of these things?) and the smoothie mix that we all love.

4. The big box you-need-a-membership store:  I really dislike this place.  I am overwhelmed by the large ketchup bottles and the multiple boxes of cereal that are attached.  I go there to get a few snacks (in large quantities) for the boys.  The parking stinks, I am not in love with the crazy big items and, BTW – a car full of items rolling around in the trunk can really be annoying.

In the “olden” days we went to ONE grocery store!  I spend more time and money on gas just getting all the different items and my boys are still eating me out of house and home.  In addition, I hear there is one place that I haven’t ever tried (has the name Joe in it).  Really??  Just what I need – store #5.

Yes, my name is Jessica and I am a grocery store addict.

Have a great start to your week!

From the moment we have our child … maybe from the moment they are in our womb, we are worrying.  We worry about toxins, the sun, too much sugar, not enough milk.  We fear they will try drugs, they will have sex too early or will meet the wrong people.  We worry about predators.  Will they be someone we know or someone we don’t know?  We worry about other drivers when they are on the road.  How are we going to protect them from danger?  We ask this question until we die.  I watch my father thinking about this question still, even though I am now 50.  It never changes.

I don’t have an answer.

We can’t control what will happen.  We want to but we can’t.  This is the faith that we must have.  I don’t know where the faith is supposed to come from or how to do it but I do know that it is about letting go.  Doing the best we can and then letting go.

We try to balance giving  our children enough information for them to pay attention to their surroundings but not too much so that they are afraid to live. We can feel all the pain of the world. And we can worry about our own children.  But, we also can live.

I am going to choose to focus on all that is going right today, in my life, with my family and loved ones, in my country and in the world.  I am going to use that positive energy to make a difference.  I know that the power of worry leads to inactivity, to fear, to walls.  Maybe you have experienced that too.  I want that to stop.

Worry can cause us to miss the beautiful moments of our lives, as if we weren’t even there.  Worry can keep us from experiencing happiness, passion and joy.

I will feel the pain of the recent events.  I will talk to my children about it.  I will continue to try to protect my children.  But I will also be conscious of the fact that worrying has taken enough of my moments and my moments are finite.  Remember, this powerful truth: Everything we have ever worried about ends up being resolved one way or another despite our worrying.

Live today and hug your kids.

I found this great example of the definition of commitment: Put your head underwater and keep it there for a while and you’ll soon realize that you’re 100% committed to breathing.  We don’t make excuses not to breathe. We don’t worry about motivating ourselves to breathe.  We certainly don’t need to justify our desire to breathe.  We just breathe.  Commitment is action.

No excuses. No debate. No analysis. No complaining about how hard it is. No worrying about what others might think. No delays or fears.  You just do.

We have been having a commitment discussion at home regarding various sports, the playing of stringed instruments and the commitment to focus on school during the week.  We have not been on the same page about its definition.  I’ve also had this conversation recently with a friend when talking about relationships. Again, the definition came up.

I think we overuse the word commitment.  I believe that a lot of what we do (when we say we are committed to doing something) is really just to promise to do something.  For example, I promise to do the laundry and not forget or I promise to be exclusive in a relationship. A commitment is a fact that is demonstrated by our behavior.  In other words, a promise is something you say and a commitment is something you do.  So, my kids have promised to finish the swim season but they don’t have a commitment to swimming.  Or, for example, when you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed fact.  However, as a couple you can have an uncommitted attitude.

Call it what you like … peeved, frustrated, mad … we all get Angry once in a while.  When anger is managed well, it can be healthy.  It can show us where issues are arising in our lives, it can help us take those issues and resolve them and sometimes it can be a motivator for self-reflection and change.   However, anger can be damaging and, when handled poorly, can affect our health and relationships.

While being angry may make us feel good for a very short while, it actually has the opposite effect on our partners and loved ones.  In fact, few emotions are less endearing than anger.  Truth be told, anger just fuels the feeling of “it’s me against the world” mentality.  This, sadly, will often destroy your relationships – personal and professional.

There are positive ways to deal with anger (again, we all have it).  First, it’s important to find the trigger for anger.  What brings it to the surface?  Is it old tapes? Or, are you upset about other things and just taking it out on the person closest to you?

Second, one must find a way to take a “time-out.”  Just move away from the situation and clear your head (but let people know what you are doing so they don’t think you’ve just left).  It is critical to cool down before the name-calling and degrading argument begins.

Finally, once in a calmer state, you can come back with the “I” statements regarding your feelings.  You can actually discuss and find a way to manage the situation and your own feelings.  Plus, this can be a time to look at your own anger and review whether it is misplaced or not.

One problem in relationships (friendships, with kids or with partners) is learning to take responsibility for our own actions. While situations may contribute to an angry feeling, you are ultimately responsible for your own response.  So, if someone makes you angry, first look inside and see if you are part of the problem.  If so, getting mad at someone else won’t help unless you address you part.

I’ve tried to tell my kids that being upset or angry is not bad – it’s normal.  It’s just what you do with it that can be damaging.  This is the think first, open mouth second philosophy that I keep trying to impart on them (and myself!).

Have a wonderful day!

What is personal truth?  How do we find it?  The search for our truth is a search for who we really are.  It requires introspection but, the introspective path does not go without the danger of finding less than pleasant truths about ourselves.

One of my goals this year is to figure out what personal truth really is.  Recently I read an article  on “truth” (which in my  line of work is almost non-existent). Here are my take-aways (and probably the reasons why I don’t like to look inwards):

Fear: When we begin to examine ourselves and uncover what has been hidden, we see the pent-up fear almost immediately.  Who wants to look directly at fear? So, we usually close the door and walk away.

Dark Side: When being introspective, some less than perfect and pleasant aspects of ourselves become apparent. While it isn’t fun to own up to personal flaws, if a person is willing to see the chinks in their armor, the real work of becoming a more genuine and transparent person can begin.

Painful Personal History: Memories of past wrongs that you’ve either committed or that have been committed upon you hang on through the tapes in your mind and spring out at the slightest provocation. So, we have a tendency to stuff our personal history and not try to resolve it.

In the end, we are products of our history, but we don’t need to be controlled by our history.  We can find our own truth –  which will help us eliminate the resentment, hurt, and blame of our past.

I believe that once we learn who we are, we can see how to get to where we want to go.  Looking inward and being honestly introspection can help us understand our negative tapes and self-assumptions.  Those tapes are, of course, false and identifying that will help us to move forward to correct our feelings and behaviors related to those negative tapes.  Moreover, knowing who you really are will lead to a more healthy and intentional life.  Decisions become easier and you will begin to ignore the “junk” that people try to put on you.

This notion of truth is critical for our children.  Helping them know and accept themselves will allow them to make better decisions when faced with the pressures of their peers and lead a happier and more productive life.  This is not easy to get their arms around.  Again, a work in progress.

I hope you all take one quiet moment today to look inward — to enjoy  the good (and the not-so-good) of what you see.  It will be  the start of a worthwhile journey.

As many of you know, the snow caused quite a bit of traffic issues these last few days.  Monday, I was in the car more than 3 1/2 hours, driving kids and picking them up again.  I vowed that Tuesday would be better.  I had a plan and as most plans go … it didn’t really work out as planned.

It started with my being 1/2 hour late this morning for coffee with my dad.  As always, he is so gracious and doesn’t say a thing, other than to remind me to drive carefully.

Then, I am almost late for a seminar (that I am giving) due to traffic, conference calls and a kid texting me that she is not feeling well and could I please pick her up asap.  Well, I realize, that will change all the other back-to-back plans (including my workout) … but that’s life.

I eventually pick her up, bring her home, get her situated and decide I am going to the club.  I am regretting not getting my workout in earlier in the morning.  I am sick of being in the car and really just want to RUN.  I look at the clock.  I’ve got 90 minutes before I have to pick up the boys from swimming … I’m golden!

I get to the club, run in, take off my coat, etc., get on the elliptical and my phone rings.  I look down and it is one of my sons.  I answer. “Mom, I missed the bus to swimming and I missed the regular bus to come home.”  Fear grips me! “WHAT???” I say. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU WANT ME TO GET OFF THE ELLIPTICAL, GIVE UP MY WORKOUT, GET INTO THE CAR AND COME AND GET YOU? ”  I am in panic mode now.  He says, “What do you want me to do, stay here all night,” (I hate that indignant tone).  I get off, get dressed and get in the car.  I am unhappy.  I am swearing at cars.  I pick him up and he can tell … this was not his best move.

It takes more than an hour in the car to get him and bring him to swimming.  Now I clearly don’t have time to go to the club.  Eventually, I get them all home, fed and at 6:15 p.m. I put on my headlamp and go for a run.  I run and run and run.  I start to feel normal again.

I come in the house, report on how beautiful the night is and get cleaned up.  Then, I hear what I believe is my daughter saying to her brothers … “Guys, listen to me.  Whatever you do, don’t mess with Mom’s workout.”

AMEN Sister!!!!!

Have a great (and non-stuck-in-traffic day)